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Emotional intelligence

10 emotional intelligence tips from the masters | The Enterprisers Project

Being self-aware emotionally can both be a good and a bad thing, while being able to recognise how you feel and whats triggered it is always good, the not being able to do anything about it part is where it sucks. It’s like being given flat packed furniture with the end image and no instructions.

Maybe ignorance is bliss when it comes to emotional intelligence?

Because now you’ve become aware of that feeling in your chest, the one that’s telling you someones moved into a small space in your heart and ever so slowly they’re making renovations and expanding the space they’ve unknowingly claimed as theirs.

You know what this is going to mean, so you’re internally screaming at them to stop with the extensions they’re trying to build because falling in love is one of the scariest things you’ve every experienced in your life. To you, falling in love means a feeling of loss of control. Your emotions don’t entirely feel like your own and you’ve spent years priding yourself on the fact that the one thing that you have total and utter control over are your own emotions.

But you can feel it changing.

You can feel it changing as you make them laugh and their smile brightens up your whole day. You can feel it changing when they’re laying their head on your lap while you run your fingers through their hair. You can feel it changing in those moments of emotional vulnerability that the two of you share, the moments that belong to no one but the two of you.

You feel it when suddenly you’ve realised you’re preplanning things in your head with them that won’t be happening for months.

And you’re scared, I get it.

This is one of the times when you wish you couldn’t feel every emotional change thats happening inside you, because right now these heightened emotions are screaming at you and you can’t even try and ignore them. But the whole ‘I can’t even do anything about this‘ is whats making things worse.

It’s as if all you can do is stand and watch a building burn down in front of you despite knowing where to get water, except you can’t get the water because all of a sudden your arms have stopped working. So that’s it, all you can do is stand there and watch the destruction unfold.

And the destruction is alarmingly beautiful, in a way where you want to walk away but you can’t because you also have a desire to see what happens at the end.

Being self aware can be a good and a bad thing, but when it comes to love emotional intelligence sometimes often leads to more confusion because you’re so in tune to not only your own feelings but also the feelings of your partners.

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To chase or not to chase?

As women we’re always told ‘never chase a man‘ but the issue with this advice is the fact that it’s almost discouraging women from pursuing the man she wants, and what’s wrong with a bit of effort?

Does a runner win a race by standing still? Absolutely not.

If you’ve managed to go out and get the job you want, the pay rise you dreamt of, the car you’ve aspired to drive ….. you can’t say you managed to get all of those things by turning in the opposite direction and acting as if you didn’t want them. The odds are, you probably went after them with determination and perseverance.

So why treat the person we want any differently?

And I know what you’re going to say, people are different to material objects, they can make their own conscious decisions and yes I agree, however …. If effort is being reciprocated then you shouldn’t be scared to chase after what you want.

I also believe that making a man constantly chase you is a dangerous game, because if we think of it like a cat playing with a piece of string …. the longer you make the game last the less satisfied the cat is once the string is dropped, because the effort in trying to get it was more rewarding than actually having it and no one wants to feel like a piece of dropped string.

But maybe the chase is how we feel wanted? Maybe someone putting in unrequited effort for us is what makes us feel fully secure with the fact that they want us and only us?

At what point do we stop chasing or being chased and make the person we like feel wanted and appreciated with consistency? Because honestly, I can’t think of a bigger turn on when dating someone than that person showing you consistency.

If you’re like me, you’ll be worried that when you let people stop chasing you and give them your full attention, they’ll run off and won’t want you anymore, but maybe we need to let our walls down and give up on the idea of the chase for a while.

Maybe being honest with our feelings is the way forward, if you like the fact someone is chasing you, tell them ….. if you’re chasing after someone you like, TELL THEM!

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Attachment Styles & Relationship Hurdles

Writing about first hand experiences is nerve wracking enough, let alone when it comes to openly admitting your flaws because of your attachment style.

People seem to think that we all have one kind of attachment style and until we own it and recognise what one we have, we aren’t able to change it and develop more meaningful relationships, but what about us strange and complicated individuals who’s attachment styles seem to be as fluid as the tea we’re spilling to our friends about our tragic relationship paths?

What if, some of us will experience different levels of attachment depending on how the person were with is making us feel within the relationship we’re developing with them?

Speaking as someone who always initially starts a relationship in a dismissive avoidant attachment style – which is basically a ‘I don’t need you or anyone else, all I need is my freedom to do what I want and when I want it so please don’t crowd my space and expect too much from me‘ kind of vibe, it’s hard to create an initial bond with someone. I know what you’re thinking … if you recognise this, then why not do something about it?

The key part to this story is that to me, if someone pushes through the emotionally shut down version of myself then when they get through to the caring side of me that would do anything in the world for them, then they really see what they’ve worked for.

Except this just isn’t ever the case, what tends to happen is when people eventually break through the ‘I don’t need you and can look after myself‘ attitude and are greeted with the ‘I want you in my life forever and will show you that in any way I can‘ well they don’t tend to want it anymore.

My experience with toxic narcissistic relationships has bought out a fearful dismissive attachment style in me that I never thought I’d have, but it’s the side of me that turns into a clingy mess when I don’t feel secure in my relationship (ugh god I hate my clingy phase more than anything!). I know that I crave stability and I look for that in my relationships, I want someone to come into my life with the intention to stay and when I’m not sure where I stand, a side of me comes out that I don’t even recognise.

I can see myself behaving in a weird clingy way that I would never do with someone new who I had no emotional attachment to. But this seems to be where the problem lies …. it takes me such a long time to realise I like someone that once I do, all the emotional attachment seems to hit me at once. What I need is for the person I’m dating to tell me that everything is ok and I immediately go back to being myself again and jump straight back into a secure attachment style. For me, when I hit my fearful dismissive phase all I need is some reassurance which generally tends to be the last thing someone wants to give you when you’re behaving weird and clingy!

But hey …. that’s past trauma rearing its ugly head for you!

When the person you’re dating starts acting even a little bit differently, you typically jump into a head space of thinking they don’t want you anymore and you get so badly triggered by your fear of rejection that its the only thing you can seem to concentrate on, especially first thing in the morning and last thing at night (but meditation seriously helps me during this little phase by the way).

And instead of pushing that person anyway, you try to pull them closer and hold on for dear life, because we can’t stand the thought of them going anywhere, when in reality they might just need a little breathing room and that’s totally fine.

But if you’re dating someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style and you need some space, a simple ‘I know we’re going through a bit of a phase at the moment, but I want you to know I’m not going anywhere’ kind of text will save you both A LOT of stress, trust me!

So maybe we don’t have control over our attachment styles, but maybe if we can recognise what phase we’re in and try to understand why we feel the way that we do, we’ll be able to cope with our rollercoaster of emotions a lot better and we can advise the person we’re dating on how to help us deal with them too!

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All the ways you ‘shouldn’t’ ask her out

I Have A Feeling... That We Should Kiss. GIF - AdamDevin ...

So guys, listen up. There’s some ways that work when asking out a woman and some ways that just totally and utterly …. make us screen shot your attempt and send it to our friends. So I’ve complied a list of ways in which you should most definitely NOT ask someone out.

1. We can go if you want to – why doesn’t this work, well probably because you’re making it feel more like a chore and less like you want us to go somewhere with you.

2. We should go for dinner some time – VAGUE. so very vague, you obviously must think we sit around waiting for men to make plans with us. No, we’re busy people so if you want to go on a date with us, pick a date and stick to it!

3. You wanna do that ‘insert activity here’ you spoke about – how about you be more proactive? If we’ve mentioned we want to do something, surprise us and just book it/plan it and then tell us when to be there. Be ballsy! Especially if you can’t come up with your own ideas.

4. Let’s catch up – erm, on what? If we haven’t seen you for years, one coffee date isn’t going to fill you in on all the events of my life. So again, suggest an actual plan.

5. We could grab a drink if you want – LOW EFFORT! If you actually want to impress someone, put in some effort. If you think she’s worth it then do it. We won’t remember all these first date drinks we go on, but we will remember the ones where actual effort was made.

6. I’d love to take you out, followed by ‘well where do you want to go’ – nope. You’ve almost done it right with this one! You’ve said you’d love to see us, but then throwing the control back at us. If you’d love to take us out, you should know where you’d ‘love’ to take us.

7. We could do something this Saturday, oh wait no I’m busy – if we didn’t ask you out on Saturday, you don’t need to ask us and then subsequently announce you actually have other plans. No one asked. Tell us a day when you’re free or actually free one up for us.

8. I’ll let you know when I’ve chosen something – if you’re approaching us to ask us on a date you really should have already had a plan. This line makes us think we should carry on with plans with our friends, it doesn’t sound certain and we won’t sit around waiting for you to get your act together. Either get something set up properly or we’ll assume you’re going to bail.

9. We should go out – ok, firstly … said who? You’re not really asking me if I actually want to now, you’re just telling me, kind of like a caveman pointing at what he wants and thinking it will just happen. It probably won’t with this approach.

10. You wanna go on date then? – why do I feel like your mum who’s making you take her food shopping all of a sudden? I want you to want to go on a date with me …. I don’t want to feel like a chore. But thanks anyway.

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Just one more

Animated gif about love in r u mine? by mami on We Heart It

Do you think you’d be able to give me one more kiss?

Because maybe I’d be able to find closure on your lips and then I’ll feel like I can go.

Maybe, we could also have one more breakfast, one more lunch and just one more dinner, because then I’d be full and happy and then we can part ways.

But maybe in between the meals we could lay in bed together one more time and create one more prolonged moment where times stands still and everyone and everything around us just falls away as I rest my head on your chest.

I guess my hope is that if we add up all the one mores, they’ll add up to make a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the point where I let you go.

But that’s not real is it? There won’t be any one mores and there won’t be a version of us where everything is new and exciting and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. I mean they still are endless, for you and for me, but not for us.

Somewhere between here and there, and then and now, we just stopped working and we grew up. I guess that’s the thing with childhood love though, it seems perfect and unbreakable … until it isn’t.

So maybe I just want one more opportunity to accept that we’re done and that closure will never be found with you, but instead it will be found in the life I create without you. In all the new moments I have in my life where I don’t have thoughts of you and I and that’s where I’ll find my closure.

Because I don’t want to risk having my heart break all over again, just to have one more moment with you.

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Date Someone Who’s Sure Of You

gif couple movie Celebs radarplz x PS I love you permeate •

Date someone who pursues you endlessly and chooses to be with you every day.

Date someone who doesn’t take romance lightly and finds ways to brighten up your day, who takes the initiative to plan and take you out on dates. Date someone who treats you with utmost sincerity and respect, who showers you with sweet surprises and gestures to show you that you’re on their mind and I don’t mean an endless amount of expensive gifts, I mean small things that have made you think of them, it could be your favourite chocolate.

Date someone who has clear relationship goals and is honest with you from the very beginning, someone who’s transparent about their intentions and doesn’t string you along, someone who makes it blatantly clear that you’re the only one for them, who never plays mind games and gives you mixed signals. Date someone who isn’t afraid of commitment and wants to love you wholeheartedly, who wants grow into a relationship with you that will last the duration of your lifetimes.

Date someone whom you’re not afraid to show your vulnerability and flaws to, someone who accepts and loves you for who you are and never judges you, who appreciates your strength and is there to celebrate every accomplishment with you. Date someone who is there for you through every obstacle and quietly supports you in all that you do, even when you aren’t sure what direction you’re heading in.

Date someone who you connect with body and soul, you don’t just want physical attraction you want a mental connection too, because looks fade but your personality always be there. Date someone who you can see being your best friend, your partner in crime, and your biggest fan, someone who shares common values and vision of the future with you, who gets just as excited as you do when you talk about buying dogs and having children. Date someone who you’re excited to fall deeper in love with each day.

Date someone who makes the small moments count, because really, they’re everything, life is full of smaller moments that we have the opportunity to turn into big memorable ones. Date someone who loves unrestrainedly and gives you the best they have without you feeling like you own them anything.

Date someone who opens your heart and makes you believe in love even at the lowest point of your life, who makes your feelings feel validated and uses their actions to prove that they’re in it for the long haul. You should be with someone will trust you wholeheartedly without making you feel like you have to work for it.

Date someone who continues to stay by your side and reassures you that you have nothing to fear, even when you retreat into your shell because you’re terrified of getting hurt. Find someone who pulls you closer and loves you harder when life becomes stormy and dark and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because your mind is feeling messy and confused.

Date someone who never once makes you feel like a burden or that you’re difficult to be with, someone who never gets impatient and suggests that you’re acting crazy, someone who doesn’t blow hot and cold and triggers your insecurity further. You want someone who is as happy to be with you as you are to be with them.

Date someone who loves you the way you deserve and wants to spend the rest of their lives continuing to do so.

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When and how to have ‘the chat’

So here you are, suddenly enraged by the thought of the person you’ve been dating (for however long) seeing someone else … so how are you going to approach the ‘I don’t want you to see anyone else’ chat before someone’s feelings get hurt?

I’ll always stick to the opinion of communication being the make or break factor in a relationship, but yet when it comes to brining up conversation topics that have the potential to hurt us, we try and avoid them at all costs.

If you’re the one bringing up the conversation, and you ask the person you’re seeing if they’re still dating/sleeping with other people. Do you think you have the right to be hurt by the the answer (if it’s a yes) if you haven’t had ‘the chat’ with them before this point?

Difficult one to answer right?

Like surely you can’t just assume that there is some unspoken agreement between you guys when you’re in an early stage of your relationship?

So maybe do it slightly differently, maybe instead of asking them if they’re currently entangled (dating or shagging) with anyone else, you should simply state what you want, whether that’s to stay casual or get serious.

You want to be exclusive? Ok cool tell them … of course they could say they’re not on the same page, but is it not better to know that rather than going along with someone assuming they’re all in with you when actually they’re only all in with you when you’re in front of them?

What happens if your friends come across their online dating profiles and you guys haven’t had ‘the chat’ yet, do you really think you can be annoyed that they still have them if you haven’t been upfront with what you find acceptable or unacceptable?

So ‘when’ should the chat happen?

Well this isn’t a single answer question. Maybe don’t proposition them after your first date, but if you guys have spent two consecutive weeks together after date one, maybe having a ‘what are we’ conversation is ok to happen earlier on.

Basically, I can’t give an opinion on this because every relationship is different and not one has a single set of rules.

But if you’re really stuck on ways to approach the subject and you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, here’s some ways you could initiate the conversation.

1. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of exclusivity.

2. I’m a bit nervous in bringing this up, but I wanted to ask if you’re still seeing other people, I just want to make sure I know where I stand.

3. I want to make sure that we’re clear with what’s happening here, because I’m not seeing anyone else and I want to make sure you’re ok the same page as me to avoid any issues in the near future.

4. Hey I wanted to ask, because my friend came across you on a dating app, are you still seeing other people? I want to make sure we’re being as honest as we can be about what we want.

5. I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else, but I wanted to find out where your head was at and if you’re in the same position.

Good luck!

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I hope she’s done

I hope she’s done going above and beyond and getting left behind.

I hope she’s done finding men who are secretly broken and need her to fix them who then drain her of her energy and walk away with her heart.

I hope she’s done getting broken promises from men who claim to be honest and loyal but walk away as anything but.

I hope she’s done getting told ‘I’m your soulmate, you’re beautiful, and that you’re so important to me’, and then being left broken and crying watching the guy she was in love with carry on with someone else.

I hope she’s done feeling broken just because you couldn’t keep to your word and be there for her like she was there for you.

I hope she’s done trying to overanalyse why she wasn’t enough for you.

I hope she’s done feeling betrayed and broken when she gave so much of herself to someone who didn’t deserve it.

I hope she’s done allowing herself to be your shoulder to lean on only for you to walk away and not be there for her.

I hope she’s done trying to make excuses for you while you were so unbelievably inconsiderate and uncompassionate.

I hope she’s done trying to be loyal and loving to you when you took her trust and dismantled it.

Everyone has the right to choose who they want to spend their time with and invest in. This isn’t an Alanis Morisette song and she’s not some fatal attraction psycho. She showed respect and when she walked away, she spent months working on herself and crying alone, only to come out stronger, but she wouldn’t spend a second trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt because it fucking did.

She loved you, she was deeply attracted to you in every way, and she thought of you as her best friend. You were her first thought in the morning and her last thought at night. She thought of ways to look great for you and she loved your hands all over her. She was a fierce protector of your dreams and was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. She found you to be intelligent, rugged, sexy, kind and handsome. She raved about you to all of her friends. She invested in you, and would have walked across glass to be with you.

But here’s the thing, at the end of the day, she’s human, she’s sad, she’s hurt, and she’s angry, but she had also been your biggest supporter from afar, and I hope one day you will see that. But she deserves better.

I hope she’s done.

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You know both of you can feel that sexual tension, right?

Damn, there it is. That weird feeling in the room, you’re both in, you know she can feel it too, right? It’s not just you. You guys both feel it but yet neither of you are going to say a word.

You guys should ignore it, right? But wait, apparently there’s something fun about doing things when you know you shouldn’t and it becomes even more fun when the only people who know what’s going on are the two of you.

She knows you feel it too, because she saw the way you look at her still, did you think you could slyly check her out and she wouldn’t pick up on it? Don’t be silly, she knows you too well not to notice. And now the two of you keep making eye contact, creating tension in the air that’s almost palpable. She even saw the very brief way your eyes wondered down to her lips, it must be annoying to know she noticed something you probably didn’t even realise you’d done, but you know what it means when you look at someones lips right? It just means subconsciously you’re thinking about kissing them …. uh oh.

You know you shouldn’t look at her like that, especially if you’re not going to take control and do something about it, you should just stop it. All the eye contact going on is a slow killer and you know it’s working up the both of you. As soon as you locked eyes with her it threw you back to thinking about how she looked at you when she wanted your body close to her. A little eye contact can start a very dangerous game, but yet it seems you’re both excited to play.

When there are thousand words left unsaid in a room where the tension keeps growing, how much longer can it go on before the room explodes and one of you caves? It’s a game of willpower now, but you’re both stubborn so will it be left as a draw? Surely that’s too boring? … Everything deserves a climax, right?

This could be fine, things can be left without a resolution, just remember social distancing. As long as the two of you remain at least 1.5m apart from each other at all times it will be totally fine.

Because let’s face it, as soon as you step closer to each other that’s when the test will level up, as if the eye contact and smiles weren’t bad enough, just wait until you’re accidentally stood close enough to feel the heat coming off of each other’s bodies, or the way her perfume smells, that’s the smell you got used to having on your bedsheets, but it’s been absent for a while, so what’s going to happen, what if you remember you’ve missed it?

Is it even worth the risk to find out? Probably not, right?

It’s worth knowing though, this isn’t just in your head, you aren’t imagining this feeling because she feels it too, she can sense the way you want her just from the atmosphere that ever so slightly changes each time you guys look at each other. If only everyone else in the room knew what the two of you were actually thinking …. it would make a good explicit novel that’s for sure.

Why not take it one step further next time, stand closer to her, or maybe risk one more civilised kiss on the cheek to have her face close to yours again even just for a second, or are you worried you’ll want to keep her there for longer than a split second if you do it again? Risky game, right?

But what’s life without a bit of risk, well it’s just boring.

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I asked men and women for their biggest turn on’s and here are the results…..

  1. I like watching a guy get hard. Like watching them going from soft to erect is just magnificent. You never know what the end result will be, is he a grower, shower, curved? And knowing that you’re the reason … BEST FEELING!
  2. A man wearing a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Forearms are so sexy especially when they have very prominent veins!
  3. Men who aren’t afraid to make noise during sex! Come on, men! Moan! Grunt! Whatever! Let me know you’re enjoying it!
  4. Giving blowjobs. I like watching men come undone. Makes me feel powerful, I mean I already know I’m good at them, but I’ll never get bored of hearing those approving sounds.
  5. I have this problem when anyone even JOKINGLY calls me a “good girl” that I get immediately turned on. Especially if you have an Australian accent. Say it again …. seriously.
  6. Holy fucking shit do I have such a thing for suits. Like I don’t want to undress you I just want to admire how attractive a man looks in that. Suits are just so nice and elegant.
  7. Passion. I don’t see a lot of people talking about it, but something about passionate sex and making the girl enjoy it and feel satisfied just gives me chills man.
  8. I can’t get enough of black stockings. Not sure why, but it is always guaranteed to drive me wild, lift that skirt up girl and hop on my lap.
  9. Girls running their fingers through their hair and then tucking it back behind their ears or pushing it over to one side of their face.
  10. People smiling for real. Like after hearing a compliment or good news a full on smile that lights up their whole face.
  11. Necks, it’s weird but sometimes necks really turn me on and I don’t know why, I love having mine touched, kissed, stroked whatever, but I’ll also go straight in for someone else’s too.
  12. Premature ejaculation… it’s annoying because guys spend so much time trying to make sure that doesn’t happen. It’s very rare and actually I take it as a compliment so you do you boo.
  13. Thigh-high socks or boots. Yes, please.
  14. When a woman makes the first move. It makes me feel wanted, and it feels wonderful.
  15. Yoga pants and sports bras …. no explanation needed.
  16. Getting a naughty text from my SO in the middle of the day, drives me CRAZY and I’ll be very excited about getting home.
  17. Girls who are genuinely having fun without caring about what other people think/say about them. Want to get on the dance floor and cut loose in a room full of strangers? Fuck it, let’s go!
  18. When a lady tried to talk about something dirty, gets embarrassed, and giggles.
  19. Women wearing business suits. Put your hands on your hips and tell me how disappointed you are with me.
  20. Girls that wear ponytails, all I can picture is just pulling on it from behind.
  21. When a guy tells me what to do, god that kind of dominant shit does stuff to me!
  22. Girls who wear choker necklaces. No idea what it is about them but they’re a huge turn on for me.
  23. Accents, especially British or Scottish accents, but accents in general. Dirty talk sounds more exciting and normal conversations feel exotic.
  24. Girls with their hair covering one eye.
  25. When women wear a sundress, YES. All I can focus on is how good their bum looks.
  26. Girls in oversized shirts/hoodies, especially when it’s one of yours that you’ve given them.
  27. Freckles …. honestly hot as fuck!
  28. When guys wear grey sweat pants …. I really don’t think I need to explain why.
  29. Having my throat grabbed, YES PLEASE. Choke me as hard as you want, don’t be scared.
  30. When my boyfriend grabs my bum in public it drives me totally WILD.