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It’s time to give up

 

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Forcing something with someone who isn’t right for you ultimately results in two people feeling like shit and neither of them knowing why.

If two people don’t fit, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s either persons fault. It’s just life. Sometimes things aren’t supposed to work out someone because the one you’re supposed to be with, isn’t in your life yet.

But trying to stay with someone when both of you spend most of your time miserable is just delaying the inevitable.

When it’s not working with someone and you’ve tired your hardest, it’s time to walk away.

Giving up isn’t weak, what’s weak is staying with someone because you’re too scared to leave.

Neither of you wants to hurt but yet you’re both hurting each other. So how is promising someone you’ll change when you know you’ve done nothing wrong beneficial to either of you? All it will result in is one person hating the other.

Let’s be honest, feeling like shit is shit, life’s too short to sit around being miserable and feeling anything less than crazy passionate love for the person you’re shagging.

And while one person might make you feel mediocre and not enough, someone out there wants to make you feel like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. You’re with the wrong person, it’s time to accept that and move on.

People are either a lesson or a blessing in our lives and hopefully this lesson has taught you how to spot red flags as well as helping you figure out a number of things you don’t want in someone.

Cut your losses, walk away from crazy, because when crazy isn’t fun it’s scary and unsafe.

You want someone who drives you crazy for them, not someone who is stab you in your sleep kind of crazy.

A series of bad relationships wont help you feel like a better person because you’ve been there for a string of people who’ve felt down and out about their own lives.

Maybe try being with someone who’s driven and who has their shit together, don’t go for people who offer any less than you do. If you’re giving them love and stability then don’t accept less in return.

Forcing yourself to be happy with someone who isn’t happy with either themselves or who you are as a person, is a disaster waiting to happen. Stop being scared to go after what’s best for you.

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Monogamy, or not?

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Monogamy is a funny thing and nowadays it’s almost the norm to expect people to cheat.

Did you know the human race isn’t built to be monogamous anyway? It’s social conditioning, or maybe we’re all just really bad at sharing?

No I’m kidding, once something (sorry I mean someone) is mine, if anyone else comes for it, I go into some kind of enraged meltdown.

But the older I get, the more I’ve seen examples of how men just lack the skills to be monogamous, they can love someone to the ends of the earth, but when faced with temptation they will very rarely say no (I’m not going to consider that I could be the problem obviously)

Us women aren’t exactly innocent either, even some of my closest friends have trouble not window shopping even after bagging the man of their dreams.

It’s almost as if you get to a certain time frame within a relationship and can’t help but test the waters.

I find it very hard to relate to this, but I think that’s because I can’t focus my attention on more than one person at a time, when a guy has my attention they have it all. I think that’s maybe why I struggle so much when they aren’t the same. But it takes a very special individual to get my undivided attention like that.

On the other hand, I’ve had guys cheat on me and with me … so I’ve literally seen it from every angle.

So can we remain monogamous once we decide that someone is the one for us? Or should open relationships be more of a socially acceptable norm, some people are convinced that open relationships are actually the key to keeping two people together long term.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. Knowing the person I’m in bed with was touching someone else the way they touch me? Ugh no thanks, it makes my skin crawl!

But I do get it, I get the appeal.

Maybe not being locked down to one person to fulfil all of your needs is clever, you could absolutely adore the ground someone walks on, but sleeping with other people is what makes you appreciate them all the more?

I’m all for monogamy, unless the person I want is in a relationship …. then maybe I’ll overlook it, as it’s benefiting me (yep, narcissistic and awful I know, what can you do?)

All I can say really is good luck to the women out there who think their boyfriend or husband doesn’t have the ability to cheat, because he’s probably texting you telling you he misses you as he’s climbing out of bed with another woman, that he’s just spent all night having sex with and trust me when I say he didn’t miss you then (sorry not sorry)

And for everyone embracing an “open relationship” the only advice on this I can offer is to make sure you’re both aware that it’s open …

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It’s not your job to fix her

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when she tells you that she’s broken, it isn’t her inviting you to try and fix her.

it’s more of a warning signal, she wants you to know that while you date she may do some out of character, stupid shit. But it’s because she doesn’t trust people in the way most others do, she approaches everyone with caution, she tests people and she will provoke you to hurt her, but you shouldn’t. Even when she tries to push you away, you should try your hardest not to leave.

When the last one shattered her heart in the cruelest way you could think of, she became an altered version of herself. She didn’t feel whole anymore. She took some time to herself to make sure she felt like she could be a whole person again, by herself.

And now you’re here … she want’s you to stay but can’t figure out how to tell you without making herself vulnerable (the one thing she fears above everything else) so instead, she tells you she’s broken. She want’s you to understand that in this new form she cant express how much she loves someone in the way you expect her to. She shows love in the form of jealousy and while that may annoy you, it’s the only way she knows how.

When she tests you and tells you that she doesn’t care that you flirt with other girls … she does. But she constantly goes after proof that you won’t.

For her to believe that you won’t do what the others have done, you’ll have to tread carefully. And above everything else, you shouldn’t try and fix how she’s become, because this is her new normal.

All she knows are lies and belittling comments, so she waits for something negative to spill from your mouth after you compliment her. She’ll be scared to tell you she disagrees with you because she doesn’t want you to be angry and hold it against her until you find a way of getting her back.

Even though you may want to try, it’s not your job to try and fix her. She doesn’t want to be fixed, she just wants someone to accept the version of herself she currently is.

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The second time around

Falling for you the second time around is going to hurt even more.

It’s ok though, I’ve already prepared myself for it. So I feel like I’m ready to go through it all again. The first time I caught feelings for you was bad enough, but now I’ve managed to let myself fall back into bad habits.

I’m happy to let you be my latest bad habit, I kind of like that I know you’re giving me some unstable stability (yeah I know how contradicting that is) but talking to you keeps me focused, I feel like I know what I’m doing again. But I also know that you’re not going to be a permanent fixture.

Having you again means I don’t want to date. I feel physically put off when I’m having sex with other people and I guess that’s quite a big sign that my feelings for you are slowly creeping back again (at least I can see it happening this time)

The first time I started getting feelings for you it kind of caught me off guard, I didn’t expect to like someone the way I liked you. I was in a weird head space where getting attached to men made me feel physically sick.

We had sex after knowing each other for 24hrs and I was so drunk it all seems like a massive blur …. it seems quite a few of my relationships start this way (maybe I should address that) I didn’t want anything from you at that point, I enjoyed getting to know you and the sex was good but I didn’t want anything else. Then all of a sudden … that changed and I wanted everything from you.

So I’m prepared to let myself open up to you again, I won’t mind if it hurts. As soon as I see you I know I’m going to fall into your arms and everything you made me second guess about myself will fade away … and yeah, that’s fucked up.

Just know that I don’t need you, I just want you. And for me to want someone, that’s a big deal.

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Narcissistic Millennials

It seems like we all just pass the time by finding someone to waste our time on these days.

We’ll scroll through Hinge or Bumble or any one of the many dating apps we have available to us and find that one person who’s name will fill our phones for the next few weeks or months and then just as modern dating has taught us is acceptable, it fades out and we take on our “thank you, next” approach.

I don’t even think we bother taking the time to process the impact each of these fleeting people have had on our lives for a little while …. but we don’t need to, there are thousands more just like them at the tap of our finger.

Us people in our 20’s and 30’s seem to be happy when we have someone to go back and talk to when we’re bored, we’re like creatures of habit. Having constant attention off of one person makes us feel good and wanted, but we’re not phased if the source of that constant attention keeps changing, as long as we have someone making our phones go off like we’re wanted. It’s when our phones go quite that we realise we’re bothered ….

Having the ability to speak to as many single (and some not) people as we want to makes us feel good. Like we have a lot of power by being able to pick and choose who we speak to based on not knowing them at all, but maybe this whole practice is just turning us all into narcissists?

We’ve been give the ability to decide within a matter of seconds whether someone is worthy of us having a conversation with them purely based on the way they look and if that isn’t narcissistic then I don’t know what is!

If no one has slid into our dm’s following our recent selfie, we get offended, but for the people who do slide into our dm’s … well we ignore them obviously. Why would someone try and contact us just based on our “fire” selfie? How rude, they don’t know us like that.

Seriously … what is wrong with us all. It seems like no one can do anything right when it comes to trying to speak to the person they like the look of. We laugh at people for putting themselves out there and “trying” but at least they haven’t been sucked into this narcissistic lifestyle where no one is good enough.

If online dating has taught us all anything … it’s how to have egos bigger than our hearts. It hasn’t taught us any valuable lessons about love.

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Will Chemistry Fade?

Most of us, if we’ve been lucky enough, have had that one person in our lives …. the person that makes us feel like our skins on fire when they touch us (in a good way, not in a … I’m going to hell kind of way)

It’s that instant spark they ignite in us even when we wish they wouldn’t. But is that kind of chemistry something that can disappear?

Sexual chemistry isn’t something that’s just in our heads though, it’s backed up by science too! The scientific reasons behind being almost physically obsessed by someone aren’t as weird as you may think … Pheromones are one of the top factors behind sexual chemistry (ok, maybe it’s a bit weird). So potentially our sexual desires are being led by our noses?

In a way yes, but fortunately this is something our body judges on autopilot …. if we think someone smells good, then we most likely have sexual chemistry with them that’s beyond our control.

And this has really bought to my attention some memories that have stuck in my mind from when I was with the person that I had the most addictive chemistry with, that kind of confirms the idea of pheromones.

I remember when I used to wake up in the mornings next to him, I’d roll over and breath in the smell of his neck and kiss him gently. I guess science backs this up, but I always thought he smelt amazing, I’d want to keep my face buried in his neck all day and I always made sure I told him how incredible I thought he smelt.

I remember kissing him being addictive (something not backed up by science). Almost toxic, like poison seeping into my veins and I was willingly letting it. His touch would feel like it was searing into my skin. I know it’s deadly but I’d risk it anyway and I’d take that risk any time it was offered to me. Because even now I think it would be too hard to ignore.

I can’t help but wonder if that type of chemistry with someone will ever fade. Even if you haven’t seen that person for a few hours or a few years, maybe they’ll still have the ability to stir something up inside you that will make you want to rip their clothes off.

I’ve always thought having undeniable chemistry with someone has the potential to be quite a turbulent situation and that’s speaking from experience. Being so consumed by the chemistry you have with another person, definitely has the ability to cloud your judgement in any situation you find yourself in with them.

But if I saw him tomorrow, walking down the street. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way than as obsessed as I was all those years ago. Having someone ignite that kind of response in you is rare and you try and hold on to it so tight that most of the time that spark you have, just ends up burning you.

You find yourself so taken by them you want to spend every second you possibly can with them and only them. You don’t want to share them with anyone else around you. That’s when this becomes a problem …..

But what if you don’t care? Or what if you don’t care enough to pay attention?

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.