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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).

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This is what heartbreak looks like

Who knew this is what heartbreak looks like.

Heartbreak has the most beautiful brown eyes and hair so soft you want to run your hands through it every day for the rest of your life. But you can’t keep him, he’s going to break your heart.

Heartbreak tells you the most convincing lies, it’s love he tells you. Everything he does is because he loves you. Poisonous words dressed up as something you need, something you want to keep listening to for the rest of your life. You’ll be able to listen to him for the rest of your life he tells you, but heartbreak is the best liar you’ll ever meet. So convincing, you even start to question if in fact you’re the bad and he’s the good.

Heartbreak needs your attention to make him feel validated. But he doesn’t just need your attention, he needs attention from anyone who will give it and this is why he will end up breaking your heart.

Heartbreak will take your hand and show you off to his friends and family, he likes people knowing that you’re with him. He’ll treat you like the best thing in the world until you’re not anymore.

Heartbreak is handsome and dominant, he loves knowing he makes you feel safe, until he decides he doesn’t want to anymore.

True heartbreak will generate electricity when he touches your skin, and you’ll forever be looking for that spark in a place where your heart is safe. But nothing can awaken your body like heartbreak does.

They teach you to look out for heartbreak but I guess we never expect him to be wrapped in such a charming package, one that you look for on every street, every train and in every passing car.

We can move on from heartbreak, but we can never forget him.

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Swings and roundabouts

Just like the story of Romeo and Juliet, but the edited version … where Romeo is a complete twat and Juliet is a needy bitch.

Oh and the fact that hopefully no one will die, except apparently it is possible to die of a broken heart and maybe just maybe that’s how this will end.

This story that’s going round and round, this stupid modern day romance story, where a happy ending is looking less and less likely because we have countless options of our fairy tale ending right at our finger tips.

Neither of you want the other at the right time and when one of you is falling hard the other one is shutting off faster than a fat man at a juice detox retreat. Because what’s more gross than when one person has feelings and the other one doesn’t (ew, cringe)

Remember as children we’re always told ‘oh you just want that because you can’t have it‘ well guess what … adults get that as well! Except it’s less likely to be with material objects and tends to be more with wanting attention from people we can’t get it from.

And that’s where we get back to “our story” because you’ll only want me when I’m pulling away from you and, to be fair this is where we’re the same and it is what I would class as our downfall.


The equation of you and me:

You + wanting me = me not wanting you + you getting bored = you giving less attention

(You – your undivided attention = me wanting you) = Me + wanting you = you not wanting me


I could be driving myself crazy being head over heels in love with you (and trust me I know because I have been) but because I feel like that we both know you’ll be pulling away at a rate of knots! It’s all so tragic and romantic (not).

Oh modern love! Aren’t you awful and disgusting! I wish we could go back to the era of our grandparents where you married your childhood sweetheart and stayed together forever, but nope. That’s not how life really works anymore.

So how does this compare to Romeo and Juliet? Well, it’s tragic isn’t it? Paired with the swings and roundabout leading to continuous heart break and external forces keeping two people apart.

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Resting Bitch Face

My resting bitch face is far more a reflection on you than it is on me.

If you think I look like I have an attitude problem, it’s because you’ve given me one. You see I have this slight problem, where I seem to have an ability to control the words that come out my mouth, but not the expression on my face.

This has its pros and cons … firstly, people will never have to question how I feel about them or whatever it is that they’re talking to me about, which is a huge pro, especially as I’m not the best person with all that emotion kind of stuff, so if I like someone, my eyes light up, I can’t stop smiling and overall I genuinely look engaged in everything they’re saying to me.

A massive con normally surfaces itself on first dates, if I find someone intolerable then my face will normally show just that, even when the words coming out of my mouth are very complementary. I have a real ability to look at someone as if they’re stupid when I don’t appreciate their presence.

People paint resting bitch face as a bad thing, as if it automatically means you have an attitude problem. But I have no problem smiling at the people I genuinely like.

And for the people I don’t like, well … I couldn’t really care less what you think. But at least my face has told you that I don’t like you, so now we can both go about our days with no confusion.

P.S did you also know that resting bitch face is a sign of intelligence, so when I look at you as if you’re stupid, it’s probably because compared to me you are.

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It’s time to give up

 

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Forcing something with someone who isn’t right for you ultimately results in two people feeling like shit and neither of them knowing why.

If two people don’t fit, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s either persons fault. It’s just life. Sometimes things aren’t supposed to work out someone because the one you’re supposed to be with, isn’t in your life yet.

But trying to stay with someone when both of you spend most of your time miserable is just delaying the inevitable.

When it’s not working with someone and you’ve tired your hardest, it’s time to walk away.

Giving up isn’t weak, what’s weak is staying with someone because you’re too scared to leave.

Neither of you wants to hurt but yet you’re both hurting each other. So how is promising someone you’ll change when you know you’ve done nothing wrong beneficial to either of you? All it will result in is one person hating the other.

Let’s be honest, feeling like shit is shit, life’s too short to sit around being miserable and feeling anything less than crazy passionate love for the person you’re shagging.

And while one person might make you feel mediocre and not enough, someone out there wants to make you feel like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. You’re with the wrong person, it’s time to accept that and move on.

People are either a lesson or a blessing in our lives and hopefully this lesson has taught you how to spot red flags as well as helping you figure out a number of things you don’t want in someone.

Cut your losses, walk away from crazy, because when crazy isn’t fun it’s scary and unsafe.

You want someone who drives you crazy for them, not someone who is stab you in your sleep kind of crazy.

A series of bad relationships wont help you feel like a better person because you’ve been there for a string of people who’ve felt down and out about their own lives.

Maybe try being with someone who’s driven and who has their shit together, don’t go for people who offer any less than you do. If you’re giving them love and stability then don’t accept less in return.

Forcing yourself to be happy with someone who isn’t happy with either themselves or who you are as a person, is a disaster waiting to happen. Stop being scared to go after what’s best for you.

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Monogamy, or not?

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Monogamy is a funny thing and nowadays it’s almost the norm to expect people to cheat.

Did you know the human race isn’t built to be monogamous anyway? It’s social conditioning, or maybe we’re all just really bad at sharing?

No I’m kidding, once something (sorry I mean someone) is mine, if anyone else comes for it, I go into some kind of enraged meltdown.

But the older I get, the more I’ve seen examples of how men just lack the skills to be monogamous, they can love someone to the ends of the earth, but when faced with temptation they will very rarely say no (I’m not going to consider that I could be the problem obviously)

Us women aren’t exactly innocent either, even some of my closest friends have trouble not window shopping even after bagging the man of their dreams.

It’s almost as if you get to a certain time frame within a relationship and can’t help but test the waters.

I find it very hard to relate to this, but I think that’s because I can’t focus my attention on more than one person at a time, when a guy has my attention they have it all. I think that’s maybe why I struggle so much when they aren’t the same. But it takes a very special individual to get my undivided attention like that.

On the other hand, I’ve had guys cheat on me and with me … so I’ve literally seen it from every angle.

So can we remain monogamous once we decide that someone is the one for us? Or should open relationships be more of a socially acceptable norm, some people are convinced that open relationships are actually the key to keeping two people together long term.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. Knowing the person I’m in bed with was touching someone else the way they touch me? Ugh no thanks, it makes my skin crawl!

But I do get it, I get the appeal.

Maybe not being locked down to one person to fulfil all of your needs is clever, you could absolutely adore the ground someone walks on, but sleeping with other people is what makes you appreciate them all the more?

I’m all for monogamy, unless the person I want is in a relationship …. then maybe I’ll overlook it, as it’s benefiting me (yep, narcissistic and awful I know, what can you do?)

All I can say really is good luck to the women out there who think their boyfriend or husband doesn’t have the ability to cheat, because he’s probably texting you telling you he misses you as he’s climbing out of bed with another woman, that he’s just spent all night having sex with and trust me when I say he didn’t miss you then (sorry not sorry)

And for everyone embracing an “open relationship” the only advice on this I can offer is to make sure you’re both aware that it’s open …

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You’ll get pushed away

There’s something built into me, almost like a reflex, something I can’t control. I’ll push you away. when you try and get too close I will automatically push you away, it’s just what I do.

When you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll do something weird and it will be because I don’t want you to know me.

Your “I know what you’re really like” messages stir something up inside me that make me want to change my name and move to a different country, because I don’t want you to know what I’m really like. I actually don’t think anyone deserves to know.

So this is me pre warning you, the closer you get to me, the harder I’ll push back on you. The more intense my mood swings will be. The closer you try to get to me, the less I’ll want you.

I don’t want you to “know the real me” because the real me is turbulent, I’m constantly looking for something better and ultimately, I’ll want to replace you and once you find that out, you should want to walk away.

I get easily bored of people who act as if they know me. You don’t. I’ll carefully choose small pieces of information to divulge to you so you feel like I’m opening up, but I’m not. I’m just giving you enough to make you want to stick around for the amount of time I actually want to keep you.

Just when you feel like you’ve got me sussed, I’ll push you away. Just like I do with all the others and I’m not even sorry.

So come prepared and make sure you’re wearing adequate padding for when you hit the floor after I’ve given you a shove.