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What’s with the three word rush?

Three words. Eight letters. Say it and I’m yours.

Sounds simple. But timing is everything apparently. Some of us will say it too early and sadly some of us will say it too late.

So why is there SO much pressure to tell someone that you love them? I’m sure most of us have heard it before ‘you guys have been together for months, why haven’t you said it yet?’ – maybe it isn’t right for anyone around you to judge the timing of your relationship.

I’ve known people who will tell their boyfriend/girlfriend that they love them within the first month of dating and I’ve also known people for be dating for almost a year before they’ve uttered ‘I love you’. There’s no right or wrong with this, every relationship is different and we all move at our own pace.

Maybe those people who say it early aren’t scared of being hurt, maybe they’re more open and not afraid of letting their heart lead the way instead of their head.

But I can say with total certainty that I am not one of those people, I’ve always allowed my head to drive my decision making. It keeps me out of trouble, when my heart is careless, my head is there putting it back into check and reintroducing logic to the minefield of relationships.

Most of us will feel it way before we say it. There will be moments you’re with your person and you look at them and think, ‘I love this stupid face in front of me’ but does loving all their weird quirks and little things that make them who they are mean that you’re actually IN LOVE?

I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say no. I believe it’s possible to love things about someone before being in love with them. I think it’s the step before realising that your head has lost the battle of control and your heart is now running the rule book and controlling how you are in your relationship.

When I hear it, I want it to mean something, I want the person in front of me to mean it. I want them to be sure, I don’t want an ‘I love you’ thrown at me just because in that moment it feels like love.

I want him to have felt it for weeks, like a slow build up, I don’t want him to tell me straight away, I want him to make sure that what he feels is love. I don’t want him to have fallen for me because I’m perfect, I want him to have fallen in love with me because my weirdness and imperfections make him smile, I want him to fall in love with me because I make him and his life better. I want him to feel that with me he can be exactly who he is.

Because that’s what love is right? Looking at someone on their best days, their worst days and everything in between and saying …. this is it. This is what I want and there’s nothing anyone else could throw in my direction that wouldn’t make me want to end my day with you.

To me telling someone that I love them won’t happen within weeks. It’s going to take me a while to realise my heart is all in. But it means that when I do say it I need the person in front of me to know just how much I mean it.

While thinking about the next person who’s going to tell me they love me will always give me butterflies because I’m a hopeless romantic … I’m also in no rush for it to happen because I wouldn’t ever want someone to say it without being sure.

So just know, when I say those three words, those eight letters …. that I’m without a shadow of a doubt ALL YOURS. There isn’t a part of me that would even consider leaving.

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When and how to have ‘the chat’

So here you are, suddenly enraged by the thought of the person you’ve been dating (for however long) seeing someone else … so how are you going to approach the ‘I don’t want you to see anyone else’ chat before someone’s feelings get hurt?

I’ll always stick to the opinion of communication being the make or break factor in a relationship, but yet when it comes to brining up conversation topics that have the potential to hurt us, we try and avoid them at all costs.

If you’re the one bringing up the conversation, and you ask the person you’re seeing if they’re still dating/sleeping with other people. Do you think you have the right to be hurt by the the answer (if it’s a yes) if you haven’t had ‘the chat’ with them before this point?

Difficult one to answer right?

Like surely you can’t just assume that there is some unspoken agreement between you guys when you’re in an early stage of your relationship?

So maybe do it slightly differently, maybe instead of asking them if they’re currently entangled (dating or shagging) with anyone else, you should simply state what you want, whether that’s to stay casual or get serious.

You want to be exclusive? Ok cool tell them … of course they could say they’re not on the same page, but is it not better to know that rather than going along with someone assuming they’re all in with you when actually they’re only all in with you when you’re in front of them?

What happens if your friends come across their online dating profiles and you guys haven’t had ‘the chat’ yet, do you really think you can be annoyed that they still have them if you haven’t been upfront with what you find acceptable or unacceptable?

So ‘when’ should the chat happen?

Well this isn’t a single answer question. Maybe don’t proposition them after your first date, but if you guys have spent two consecutive weeks together after date one, maybe having a ‘what are we’ conversation is ok to happen earlier on.

Basically, I can’t give an opinion on this because every relationship is different and not one has a single set of rules.

But if you’re really stuck on ways to approach the subject and you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, here’s some ways you could initiate the conversation.

1. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of exclusivity.

2. I’m a bit nervous in bringing this up, but I wanted to ask if you’re still seeing other people, I just want to make sure I know where I stand.

3. I want to make sure that we’re clear with what’s happening here, because I’m not seeing anyone else and I want to make sure you’re ok the same page as me to avoid any issues in the near future.

4. Hey I wanted to ask, because my friend came across you on a dating app, are you still seeing other people? I want to make sure we’re being as honest as we can be about what we want.

5. I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else, but I wanted to find out where your head was at and if you’re in the same position.

Good luck!

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Break Up Levels

When a break up happens, inevitably one person is going to be the one that gets dumped and the other one is going to be the heartbreaker.

But when this happens, the two people involved will be starting at two opposite ends of the break up scale, and here’s how it works.

Level 1 vs level 10

While a break up may heart wrenching and make your stomach hurt, take some solace in knowing that if you’re the one who’s been dumped, you’ve started at level 10 (which is the worst by the way) … this is the top end of the break up scale, where you can’t sleep or eat, you don’t know what you’ll do without them in your life and you feel as though the world as you know it is falling out from under your feet.

The person who’s broken up with you however, they’ve started at level 1 … they feel pretty relieved, in their head they had probably already ended things with you a few weeks before they actually had the guts to do it in real life. So right now, they’re just happy its all over and done with and they can carry on their life without you, the one they think they want, but realistically there’s no progress for them to make in this situation, there’s nothing they have to deal with because it wasn’t a shock for them, they knew what they were going to do. So starting at level 1, maybe not as great as we think it may be!

Level 3 vs level 8

Now lets fast forward a few months, your level 10 has now dropped to a level 8. You still miss them like crazy, but after lots of free therapy sessions with your friends, you’re starting to feel a lot better than how you were when you initially got the news, you can see that you can still have a life without them and it won’t be as awful as you think.

Our level 1 people, well they’re now at level 3. They’re still doing all the things they wanted to do, going out and being selfish with their own time and they’re enjoying it. But every now and then, something will happen in their every day life and they wish they could tell you about it, but of course …. that privilege is gone for them now. They don’t have the person there who used to take a keen interest in their work, or smile at the dog pictures they used to send, but it’s fine and they’re not too bothered by it, they know they’ll find someone else to do all that stuff with soon anyway so it’s not a big deal.

And here’s where it starts to get interesting, because ever so slowly, the two of you are coming towards being at the same level of getting over your break up but you’ve come from different ends of the scale, as the one who started out heartbroken and devastated is now healing and moving forward …. the one who done the heartbreaking is now starting to realise what they’ve given up on.

Meeting in the middle at level 5

At around the five months later mark, our level 8 people have probably now dropped to level 5. You’re making future plans and when you’ve been making them you haven’t even considered your previous SO in the picture, you haven’t been doing a ‘well what if‘ kind of plan that might involve them, nope. You’re focusing on you and you’re thriving as if a glow was going out of fashion.

At the same time, our people who were at level 3, are also now at level 5 too. They’ve been on a few dates and each one without even wanting to, they’ve been comparing them to you. They’re keeping active tabs on the person they thought they were ‘so done‘ with. They want to know what’s happing in your life, they can see that you’re doing good and you look happy, they’ve heard about all your exciting plans and they’re gutted they don’t have a more active role. They miss you …. but now they don’t know if they want to try and make a come back.

You see how although you’re both at the same level, because you’ve got there via two very different routes, it just isn’t the same situation for both of you!

Level 5 is the pin point, because if the person who broke your heart does decide to reach out, PLEASE make sure they don’t push you all the way back to level 10 again …. because if you hit level 10, it means they’ll go back to level 1, they know you’re still there and that satisfies their ego …. unless of course they really are sorry, but if they are, then they need to work HARD to get you back!

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Here’s to all the ones we thought we’d never get over

This is for the one you thought would be etched into your heart forever. The one you sat and cried for over and over again. Or maybe you’re even still awake at stupid times in the middle of the night wishing you were waking up and seeing them laying next to you.

The reality is, missing someone is easy because it’s the part we have no control over. How we handle missing them is the hard part, do we let it consume everything we do, or do we own it and say to ourselves “it’s ok to feel like this for now”.

Its normal to miss someone when we genuinely have a connection with them. When we have a history with someone it doesn’t even matter how long the chapter was that they had in our lives, we’ll miss them. And that’s totally ok.

Sometimes when missing someone becomes hard it’s because we start to think of the scenarios, of how things could be different. What if we did something differently? Would everything change? The problem with “what if” is that we’ll never really get the answers we’re looking for because we can’t force or control the actions of others. We have no way to know how a person really feels or why they’re doing the things they do. All we can do is believe in what actions we see.

And the reality is, if they missed you too, they could do something about it. If they’re the one that walked away, they’re the one who knows what direction will also lead them back to you. Their “I miss you too’s” have as much sincerity as your mum telling you to “have fun” when you’re on your way to a party.

Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

So you know what’s going to make it easier to get over the one you never thought you’d get over? The lack of their actions meeting their words. Their inability to fight for you and show you just how much they want you in their lives.

Eventually you’ll realise you’ve found someone else who treats you better than they did. Who makes you feel more important than they did and who makes you feel like they want you to be a part of their lives every day.

It’s also ok if someone you’ve been with for months had a bigger impact on you than someone you’ve been with for years. There’s no rules and regulations for this kind of chaos. Missing someone is fine.

And although maybe right now you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t imagine not wishing they were next to you but trust me you will and that’s the day you’ll realise they didn’t fight for you the way they should have, they didn’t treat you like you were rare and something they should protect.

But that’s cool, because everything you gave to the wrong one will be worth traveling to the moon and back for to the right one.

So chin up, and lift a glass for the one you think or thought you’d never get over. Because you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.

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Here’s what I would have said

If we’d have sat down and had the conversation that I wanted us to, so I could walk away from this feeling like I’ve had closure, because you’d have been able to look me in the eye and tell me why you did things the way that you did, here’s what you would have heard me say.

You’d have had a chance to listen to me tell you that I’ll never hate you, not even one bit. In fact, it makes me sad that you even think I could. There’s no malice here, I hope you find everything in life that makes you happy, I’ll always care about you and you deserve the best. I mean it.

I know for a while I was something that was making you happy, but then that changed and you know what, that’s ok. It’s ok to get rid of things that no longer serve a purpose in your life. You should be surrounded by things that help you develop and grow. I’m sad that I was no longer doing that for you. But it is what it is.

I hope you succeed in everything you set your mind to in life, and I hope that if you learnt anything from our relationship it was that above all else, honesty and communication between two people who care about each other is THE most important thing.

I’ve sat down numerous times and tried working out why you handle things the way you do, and I think I may understand now.

Your sensitive personality stops you from telling people you care about information that you think could hurt them, you don’t want to be able to see how your words are actually affecting them so your ability to deal with difficult conversations in person seems slightly insufficient.

But just know this, you’ll end up coming off as the bigger person in future if you can deal one fatal blow of shit information to someone face to face rather than tiptoeing around it and never actually getting it off of your chest.

Not wanting to hurt people is a lovely trait and it’s one of the reasons I respect you the way that I do. But for the love of god ….. understand that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind! You’re a good person with a bad communication style (no offence).

I want you to know that we’re not on bad terms, there’s no ‘he deserves whatever he gets’ mentality. None of that, that’s a game for children who can’t respect another persons decisions. I want you to be happy and I hope that in the future I’ll still be a part of your life to see you succeed and smash all your ambitions, not as a lover or a girlfriend, but this time as a friend who’s always in your corner encouraging you to keep going when you lose sight of what you want.

I think you’re pretty bloody special and you taught me some very valuable lessons that I’m glad I learnt from you and no one else. Like the fact that I’m calm and not crazy when I’m with the right person, or that you don’t have to constantly be naked with someone to get to know them (although the being naked part was very fun too).

Vulnerability comes from deep conversations over a Sunday morning brunch, or from doing face masks together and winding down from a days work, or even from leaving your comfort zone to do activities with them that there is no way you’d normally do, but you do it because it would make them happy.

So this is me, putting down in writing everything I would have told you if you’d have given me the chance.

I want you to know that respect you and your decisions way more than you’ll ever understand. I think you’re an amazing person who deserves all the happiness in the world and I’ll always care about you, no matter how much you’ve annoyed me, or put my back up.

You’d have understood that I’m not going to convince you of reasons why I’d be good wife material. Because I’m way too stubborn for that, in my eyes I’m either enough for someone or I’m not, and one day someone is going to love what I am so much, they’ll never want to let it go. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not gutted that wasn’t you.

I’d have explained that honesty is my dealbreaker. Once I feel like someone hasn’t been honest with me I find walking away from a romantic situation pretty easy, if I feel like someone doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I know I need to find someone else who does.

But amongst all of this, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope you’ll keep a place in your life for me just as I’ll always keen a place for you in mine.

Once all of the emotion fades we’ll be friends ….. eventually, right?

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It’s the two of you vs the problem

Let’s play out a scenario, a couple who are crazy about each other torn apart by the concept of “what if this goes wrong”.

To figure out if the relationship is worth fighting through this cloud of doubt for they decide to spend some time apart, both figuring out if they are willing to risk getting hurt.

But the irony is, you’ve now taken yourself away from the reminder of what you’re fighting for, you want to figure out if you can get past your “what if” problem and you’ve chosen that the best way to do it is by not being around them.

It feels like you’ve taken the problem and somehow let it come in the middle of the two of you. Now it’s turned into a you vs them situation, where the game is who can act like they’re less bothered and who can pretend to care less. As if the time apart isn’t phasing either of you.

How it should have been, is the two of you vs the problem. There’s an issue in your relationship, well you know how people typically get over that? By facing it head on together and supporting each other through times of uncertainty. That’s how problems get sorted, not by ignoring them and creating more distance.

The one proven way to make any relationship stronger, is by getting through the hard parts together as a solid unit. Not by pushing each other away and hoping that an empty space will solve everything for you.

Relationships take work, so take that issue the two of you have and use it to make you stronger together, by twisting it into a the two of you vs the problem situation.

As much as some people may disagree, space and distance do not help two people overcome a relationship problem. An issue in a relationship should be handled by the two of you together and if it turns out that the problem can’t be fixed, at least you can say you’ve tried.

Giving up and pretending like you don’t care is the biggest relationship failure, give the two of you some credit. Risk the make or break scenario.

Looking back at something and thinking you could have tried harder is the biggest punch in the face kind of feeling you could ever have.

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Catch the curve ball

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She’s the curve ball in the game you didn’t even know you were playing and you’ll realise eventually, that girl would have given you the whole world, you just had to be ready to catch what life was throwing at you.

But this wasn’t the exact plan I had, it isn’t exactly lining up with how I thought things would go” I get that, but hear me out…..

You know she’d have made you smile even after you’ve had a bad day, she would have sat and listened to you for hours until you’d spoken about it so much that you no longer felt stressed and you’d have felt safe because you know she’d have never judged anything you said.

You’ll realise eventually that when you find someone who’s only genuine concern is your happiness, you should hold onto them no matter what.

When you find someone in this crazy messed up world who still has kindness and good intentions in them for someone other than themselves, you’ll want to hold onto them for as long as you can, because they’re a rare breed these days which sucks!

When you realise that she was someone who bought out the best side of you, maybe it’ll be too late. Because you’ll have pushed her away not truly realising what you’re doing.

You’ll realise why honesty didn’t seem so scary with her, why you didn’t get the urge to tell her stupid white lies like with all the others before. It was because you felt like anything you told her wouldn’t be met with judgement and finding someone who accepts all parts of you exactly how they are without a sense of ‘yeah you’re great but if you done this I think you’d be better’ is rare.

Imagine being with someone who’s happy to accept you exactly as you, even though you both know you have flaws and you’re not perfect, but she doesn’t care because your flaws make you imperfectly perfect to her.

You’ll realise soon enough that there’s no one else you want to share your good and bad days with, someone who you want to celebrate your successes with and also sit down in a calm silence with when times have got a bit tough.

How long do you think you’ll have to look until you find someone who makes this whole ‘dating‘ thing seem as easy as she did?

Being with someone who understands that family time and down time are as important as the time alone the two of you have. How many people are like that in the world, who don’t make you feel guilty for not making them a priority in your life even though they’ve just come into it, who are selfless enough that they want you to go and do all the things that are important to you, because that makes you who you are and she’d never want to change that.

You’ll realise you miss her when silly things happen throughout your day that you wish you could tell her about, or you’ve thought of something funny on a tangent that you know she’d laugh at even if she didn’t want to because she loved how your mind works.

When you figure out that you’re supposed to be with the girl who makes you feel like you’re good enough just the way you are. It might be too late.

The one who wants to encourage you in every step you’re taking in your life, who wants to help you be better if that’s what you want. Who’s excited to do this whole weird thing we call life with no one else but you. The two of you might have known where you’d end up but the middle was blurry and that’s ok because you were going to figure it out together.

You’ll realise eventually that the girl you’re supposed to be with may not tick every box off of your ‘what I wanted in another person‘ check list. But she doesn’t need to, because what you needed was actually what you never thought to expect, so maybe the universe knew exactly what you needed, but your ideas had become a bit confused.

Life works like that sometimes, it will throw you a curve ball when you don’t want it to, you’ve just got to be open to the idea of catching it … especially when it could win the whole game for you!

 

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THAT feeling

Do you know that feeling, the one where someone else suddenly tears your life apart, destroys your self-worth and although you don’t know it yet, they’ll also be responsible for keeping you up at night for the next good few years wondering why you just weren’t enough (yay bedtime anxiety).

It’s a feeling you get in your chest, like you can actually feel your heart breaking but worse, it feels like there’s suddenly so much pressure on your lungs that you can’t breathe, everything you thought you knew and trusted is gone, just like that. The air feels like its been taken from your body by the same person who told you they’d die for you and yet ironically here you are feeling like your dying AND IT’S BECAUSE OF THEM.

That’s not love. And now here you are, convincing yourself that you’re the reason it all went wrong. It’s your fault they chose to give someone else the same affection they we’re giving you. You pushed them into the arms of someone else, someone who isn’t even better than you.

Maybe amongst all of this, that’s the part that is hurting the most, the fact you know you’re better than the person they risked losing you for.

Oh, did you know that scientists have proven that heart break can invoke physical pain? Yeah so next time, before you do something shitty to the person who’s fallen in love with you, just remember that not only are you mentally scarring them, but you’re actually causing them physical pain by shattering their heart with your selfish immature behaviour.

You know what sucks even more; you’ll never forget a feeling like this. Once someone has crushed you in the worst way possible, you’ll never really forget that, yet somehow, you’ll eventually find it in yourself to fall in love again. Scary right, how being human means, we have so much emotional vulnerability, heartbreak I guess mimics getting a tattoo or having a baby, at the time it hurts like hell but you’d do it all over again just as soon as you’re ready, as if your brain kind of forces you to forget quite how bad it was because the intoxicating feeling of falling in love is worth risking getting your heart broken for.

I know what the worst part of all of this is, it’s the fact they’ve walked away from this unscathed, unbothered and with the whole thing not really causing any knock of effect to their own future. They’ll carry on as if nothing ever happened, while you’re here in pieces trying desperately to find something to hold together mixed bag of broken fragments that make up your trust, self-worth and heart.

The next time they do this maybe they’ll use a different excuse for their behaviour, maybe the next person won’t have to hear them say ‘in my head we broke up a long time ago’ or maybe, they’ll be as narcissistic as ever and blame anything but themselves for their own shitty behaviour.

Just know that you’ll heal, it will take time and you’ll have to be selfish if you want to try and forget that feeling of having your heart broken.

But you’ll get there, because a good heart will always heal.

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Clear intentions

Have you ever watched He’s Just Not That Into You? There’s a scene where one of the main characters Alex states this: “If a guy treats you like he really doesn’t give a shit, then he really doesn’t give a shit.”

Mind blown.

Sad thing is, we don’t date with intention anymore (unless your only intention is an orgasm, in which case, be safe and have fun). Dating with intention is envisioning your emotional wants and needs and finding a partner who shares that same goal. However, we’ve ended up in a chaotic mess where the marriage-minded are dating individuals who want to play the field. And what happens when we discover our intentions don’t align? It’s excruciating. It is a real, staggering pain inside our chest, yet another one that you’re going to have to let go after you’ve spent time imagining how your families would combine.

Millennials long for companionship that’s more than platonic, without the cynicism of “friends with benefits.” So we end up in almost relationships, settling, because we think that’s all that’s out there, people who are only willing to give us half of what we want and deserve.

But really all we want is someone who gives a fuck about us and doesn’t make us confused. We want to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies. We want to complain about someone’s snoring. We want someone to make breakfast for us, because it’s the small things that have the biggest impact. We want someone who texts us goodnight and good morning, IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

What we don’t want however, is confusion and anxiety which is really all we get from our almost relationships.

When we end up settling for the almost it’s because we don’t want to be viewed as needy or demanding. We’re taught to be the cool girl who doesn’t require higher standards as can always be independent AF. How did we talk ourselves into a dating culture where we don’t value connections, but we swipe right? One in which we ghost each other because conversation and honesty seems too scary and difficult?

But what happens when you meet someone who doesn’t make you feel scared for being honest with your emotions and stating that you want them in your future? How do you react?

You’re so used to acting in an IDGAF attitude pretending that you’re not slowly getting feelings for someone who has no intentions of drafting you into future plans with them, that having someone tell you they’re not here to mess you around sounds like the worlds weirdest concept …. but how refreshing!

So maybe after all the shit you’ve been through with everyone else, it’s ok to think that this one could actually be into you and it’s fine to let your guard down and actually be honest with what you want.

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100% Kind of Love

 

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If someone doesn’t love 100% of you, then you need to politely tell them to f**k off.

No seriously, hear me out on this one…

If you don’t in some way love every single, quirk, annoyance and weird habit of the person you’re dating, odds are that you’ve fallen in love with the idea of them rather than the real them.

It’s easy to fall in love with ideas, but falling in love with reality, now thats a hard task.

If you’re looking at the person you’re with and thinking ‘yeah you’re great, but if you didn’t do XYZ you’d be even better’ STEP AWAY!

They’ve been working hard to make that version of themselves since the day they were born and the last thing they want or need is some temporary, mismatched (to them) individual coming along to alter them, because ultimately once you up and leave them once you’ve reshaped them into the thing you think you want, not only are you leaving them heartbroken, you’re also leaving them wondering who the hell they are.

Once you’ve redesigned the end picture of the jigsaw of their life, by removing pieces and jamming in pieces that really don’t go where you’re trying to make them fit, you’ll leave them questioning a lot of things.

And the thing is, they’ve let you alter them because they love you, no demand was too big or too small, you wanted them not to hang out with certain people? Fine, those jigsaw pieces are gone. You weren’t a fan of that weird hobby they had at the weekends? Cool, they’ll drop it to fit into your lifestyle better, another jigsaw piece gone.

Originally, before you came along, the image they were working towards on their jigsaw of life, the one they had been working on since the day they were born, was a dog. Now, since you’ve been in their life, the end image is of a bucket …. they don’t even like buckets, but you do, so it’s fine, because they want to make you happy.

NO. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT FINE.

If you don’t love 100% of the person you’re dating without wanting to change them, leave them alone so they can find someone who loves 100% of them, there’s over 7 billion people in the world, so odds are they can find someone better than you and you’re not as special as you think. Sorry, not really sorry.

Maybe you’re reading this thinking, yeah I’ve done that, I’ve changed my life to please someone else. Well stop it, you don’t need to, if you love 100% of you, someone else can as well, but thats the key thing here, you need to love all your weirdness before you can expect someone else to.

We all have flaws, but few of us can actually own them and stand in front of someone and go, this is me. Yeah I’m not perfect, but neither are you so lets be perfectly imperfect together and I’ll love you anyway.

I’m not asking you to love your partners snoring when they lay on their front, or the way they can’t eat toast unless it’s basically burnt, but all those silly little things make up what is them and if you love them, you’ll get used to their weird quirks.

Don’t place yourself into someones life if you’re wanting to change it, you could just be a temporary part of their life jigsaw, all the other pieces they’ve spent years finding the right places for are the foundations they’ve created with their friends and family and if you try and change those just to fit what you want, well to be honest you’re just a crappy manipulative person.

So love someone 100% or don’t bother loving them at all.