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What does that even mean?

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‘I feel like I could do better than you’ nine of the worst strung together words to ever fall out of someones mouth, especially when they’re saying them straight to your face. Ouch.

But I get it, we say as much as we can to try and divert how we really feel, our defence mechanisms come out in full force when our fight or flight reflexes are letting us down. You know you should run away from a situation that’s bad for you, but you’ve never known bad to feel so good. So you won’t go anywhere.

I have a real habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind me wherever I go, because once someone makes it onto my hit list, I’ll go after them with no regards to anything else around me, and I always get what I want. But it’s ok because that destructive path actually looks kind of pretty, it’s filled with passion, lust and physical desire. Some of the best things to feel for another person.

So what does it even mean, when you’re telling me one thing but I know you mean another. When I know your negative comments are being used as a deflective technique. It’s actually a very good psychological trick, but you won’t have known that. The more you think of something negatively the less you’ll want it, but you’ll have to spend quite a while trying to think of negative things to put you off of me, or shall I pretend not to know that?

When you go from thinking about something almost obsessively, it takes more than a few days to stop old habits. When you want something as bad as that, it’s going to take more than a few deflective words to actually trick your brain. But good luck, because I think you’ll need it.

Thank You For Breaking My Heart

 

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You were awful, there I said it.

Never have I been treated so badly by anyone in all my life.
But I’m not here pitying myself, I’m actually very happy.
But you … You’re still with her, in that awful poisonous relationship where you both push and test each other, with no trust. I just got thrust into the middle of it all. By complete accident, I caught feelings for you I say ‘caught’ because it seems like a neagative connotation and I’m glad it does, like someone catching an illness I caught feelings for you in a sudden and unexpected way, through all your lies and fake affection and I sadly believed every word you said to me.

While you lay in bed with me telling me how awful she was to you I believed that she really was, just as when you lay with her telling her I was a tragic cock tease she believed you too. You had us wrapped around your little finger.
You made me feel safe. The worst thing you could have ever done, especially as you knew deep down you would never stay, when you took that safety away from me I felt totally broken and vulnerable.
That’s why I hate you .. Not because of the lies and the deception, because you turned me into something I’m not, you made me feel small and weak and I can tell you that I am neither of those things.
It was this ‘illness’ you gave me. It made me feel vulnerable for a while, but now I’ve built my strength back up.
And I’m slowly opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again.
But I feel fine about it, because it isn’t by you.

I can pity you now, because I’m happy, I’m happy with him.
He makes me laugh and smile in ways you never could. He looks at me in ways that makes me feel so beautiful and he doesn’t feel insecure about thinking I’m beautiful, not like you did.

I’m slowly trusting him, but it’s taking a while because of these new found issues I have.
But all that pain you’ve caused, that’s basically gone, It’s more like a dull ache, one that reminds me not to fall so hard and fast for someone like I did with you.
I hope I fall in love with him, because it would be an honour to feel loved by him.
Like they say, you can’t choose when you get hurt in this world, but you can choose who hurts you.

I made a mistake letting you hurt me, you shouldn’t have been able to get that privilege.