jealousy

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Swings and roundabouts

Just like the story of Romeo and Juliet, but the edited version … where Romeo is a complete twat and Juliet is a needy bitch.

Oh and the fact that hopefully no one will die, except apparently it is possible to die of a broken heart and maybe just maybe that’s how this will end.

This story that’s going round and round, this stupid modern day romance story, where a happy ending is looking less and less likely because we have countless options of our fairy tale ending right at our finger tips.

Neither of you want the other at the right time and when one of you is falling hard the other one is shutting off faster than a fat man at a juice detox retreat. Because what’s more gross than when one person has feelings and the other one doesn’t (ew, cringe)

Remember as children we’re always told ‘oh you just want that because you can’t have it‘ well guess what … adults get that as well! Except it’s less likely to be with material objects and tends to be more with wanting attention from people we can’t get it from.

And that’s where we get back to “our story” because you’ll only want me when I’m pulling away from you and, to be fair this is where we’re the same and it is what I would class as our downfall.

The equation of you and me:

You + wanting me = me not wanting you + you getting bored = you giving less attention

(You – your undivided attention = me wanting you) = Me + wanting you = you not wanting me

I could be driving myself crazy being head over heels in love with you (and trust me I know because I have been) but because I feel like that we both know you’ll be pulling away at a rate of knots! It’s all so tragic and romantic (not).

Oh modern love! Aren’t you awful and disgusting! I wish we could go back to the era of our grandparents where you married your childhood sweetheart and stayed together forever, but nope. That’s not how life really works anymore.

So how does this compare to Romeo and Juliet? Well, it’s tragic isn’t it? Paired with the swings and roundabout leading to continuous heart break and external forces keeping two people apart.

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That wasn’t a real friendship

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‘I’m so glad we’re friends’ ‘we get along so well’ ‘you’re a great friend’ …. I call bullshit.

I have to doubt if that was a real friendship at all, because you don’t delete your ‘friends’ off of social media and not talk to them without any explanation for the whole entirety of your new relationship if you really did feel lucky to have them in your life.

And you know what, I don’t want to be friends with someone who only pops back into my life when it’s convenient for them or they haven’t got anything else to take their time up with.

So quite frankly, you can shove your so called ‘friendship’ into that box with your failed relationship. Because all my other friends, respect me more than to just bow out my life for 9 months at a time when I’m no longer convenient for them.

Ultimately that is what it comes down to, respect for another person. I’ve been shown a clear sign that you didn’t respect me enough to even let me know what had happened not even a ‘my girlfriend doesn’t like us being friends’ and to be honest, that is some seriously crap behaviour.

Us girls, we get it. I’m sure it’s hard getting into a new relationship and then having to explain to the new love of your life (pfffttt) that you have female friends, it’s hard because girls get jealous and it makes us feel insecure when our boyfriends have female friends who they enjoy speaking to.

But it’s the same with guys, boyfriends tend to find it VERY difficult when their girlfriends have guy mates, because a bond like that creates jealousy and jealousy creates relationship tensions, so we feel like it’s easier to cut out our friends of the opposite sex.

I can’t even sit here and pretend like I’m angry because I’m not, I don’t care enough to be angry. You wanted to cut me out and that’s what you managed to do, so this is me saying, it was fine that you done that and I’m sure you had your reasons, but now you can stay out.

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Overcoming Jealousy

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I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me  a lot more …

The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.

The Stages of Jealousy:

  • When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
  • You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
  • This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
  • As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
  • You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
  • You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.

Low Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
  • You constantly need reassurance.
  • You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
  • You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.

High Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
  • You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
  • You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
  • You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.

My Problem is …

I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.

TIP: I’ve signed up to #MarkTyrrell’s Pyschology course to help deal with my jealousy and anger within my relationship.

Can We Still Be Friends?

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It’s taken a good 13 months, a lot of back and forwards but while I’m here sitting in your kitchen after spending a lovely day with you I think we have finally both realised that we can now be friends.

I hope we are both on the same page.
When you apologised for accidentally brushing my hand with your own while we were walking along the road I think we both realised, I didn’t get butterflies from your touch this time and don’t get me wrong my head is swimming with ideas of what I think I want to do to you, but I won’t, because it wouldn’t be right not for either of us.
You bought me lunch, which was lovely and we have spent some moments talking about old times and how things used to be. But I think we can both see now what was, never will be again.
I still love you, a lot. But it’s in such a different way now.
I love being able to talk to you when I want and I will try not to get jealous when you give another girl more attention than what you give me, because that’s the natural response I’ll have after all, we were together for a long time.
I just want you to know that I’m very glad I still have you in my life.
I’m sorry that we took it in turns to hurt each other, we shouldn’t have done that, neither of us deserved it.

I just had this need to make you want me back again after all you had done and after that I felt bad, but I couldn’t help but want to get you back for everything and I just want you to know I’m sorry.

But I’m glad it all happened because now we can move on and be civil to each other and that’s all I want. I want you in my life, as my friend.