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When the unexpected punches you in the face

I bet you didn’t even realise that you’d feel like this, after having something taken away from you that you didn’t even know you wanted, or at least you didn’t know you wanted it right now.

Darling girl, it’s ok to admit how much it’s hurt you to have to get through this by yourself, not having anyone to hold you while you’re curled up in pain, which constantly wakes you up throughout the night. It’s ok to admit that it would have been easier to do it with him than without him, that doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human.

I know you’ve spent days sitting there wondering what you did wrong, how you could have avoided creating the total and utter mess of a situation you’ve now found yourself in. If you’d have known, what would you have done differently, would you have looked at yourself in the mirror in a different way each morning? Would you have moved slower, eaten better, or even started meditation?

But hey, guess what? You didn’t know. And although you’ve already heard this from anyone around you that you’ve told, it really wasn’t your fault. This was just life’s way of saying ‘not right now’ and that may hurt, you may want to kick or scream or punch anything you can. But it doesn’t change what has happened.

Sometimes, life takes a choice away from you before you even knew that it was a possibility and maybe that’s because it knew you weren’t ready to make that choice yet.

Not all beautiful things are supposed to unfold how you imagine they will and it’s just because they’ve appeared at the wrong time.

Imagine it like this: a flower has accidentally decided to try and bloom in winter, instead of the harsh weather letting it come out and struggle through a phase it just wasn’t meant to see, the cold will kill it off before it even has a chance to suffer. That beautiful flower has been saved a load of unnecessary pain, Mother Nature just had to hold it back and say ‘now is not the time, one day not far from now you’ll blossom into something beautiful, but now just isn’t the time. The world isn’t ready for you yet’.

It’s okay to cry for the loss of something you didn’t even know you wanted, it’s okay to be hurt at the fact a decision was made out of your own hands, grieving for something you didn’t even know …. is understandable.

I know you feel like your body is fighting against you, the one thing you thought you had control over during a time of uncertainty now also feels like it’s betrayed you and let you down, and the worst part is, this crazy surge of emotions being fired up in your brain, is fighting for something that isn’t even there, making you question your own judgements and I know the confusion just makes you want to cry even more.

It’s ok to miss the idea of something you never even really had. It’s ok to hold on to a ‘what if’ even if it’s just for a while. You haven’t been given a set time to get over how something could have been if it had been left in your control.

So maybe this was life’s way of saying ‘not yet’ but this can also be your way of saying, ‘I’m happy to welcome unexpected events’ because life is crazy and beautiful and we make it what we want.

So when life throws yet another unexpected punch at you, just thrive in the fact that each day after is a day of healing. Things will get better and eventually you’ll be in the time when these things are supposed to happen for you.

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It’s ok to be scared

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It’s ok you know, to be scared of opening up to the possibility of someone being able to hurt you.

It’s ok to try and protect yourself in any way you know how, and actually it’s ok to sometimes take a step back and evaluate if you’re ready to give something your full attention or not. If the answer is no, then take comfort in knowing it’s ok to step away. But if the answer is yes, then you just need to get ready to ride the wave of uncertainty for a while.

Everyone will tell you how exciting those initial months are of dating someone, how the first parts are the most interesting, you’re finding out likes and dislikes, what’s ok and what’s not, things you have in common and things you’ll differ on opinion on and with that also comes the 10,000 opportunities the other person has to leave without even feeling slightly disheartened by it all, because in those early stages theres also no need to explain why you’ve done a disappearing act and theres no need to apologise for not giving someone a reason behind why you’ve decided they’re not for you anymore.

It’s ok to be scared of the moment that just as you’ve decided to give more, they’ve decided that they’re going to walk away.

It’s ok to feel nervous and worry that they’ll decide they don’t want you even though you want them.

It’s ok to get scared that they’ll be exactly like all the others and wonder off just as you want them to pull closer.

It’s ok to sometimes worry that you aren’t good enough, or that you aren’t brining enough to the table, we’re all human and sometimes we can over think things, but we shouldn’t be sacred of someone seeing us in a way that isn’t accurate, because if they do, then they aren’t the right person for you anyway.

But remember, in your initial exciting phase of dating, you have to remember you aren’t going to slot straight into priority number one on someones list, they aren’t going to know that you need a phone call at the end of each day to feel secure in your relationship or a few texts during the day from them saying they’re thinking of you and they miss you to make you feel like they’re still interested in you (they won’t know that you’re secretly needy AF), so instead of spending time fretting about it all, just embrace it and know that they’re getting to know you just as much as you’re getting to know them, it’s fine not to get everything right straight away!

One thing you shouldn’t be sacred of though, is ending up with the wrong person, because you’ll get a lot of people walk in (and sometimes out) of your life for reasons you can’t understand sometimes. So although you can be scared of getting your heart broken, don’t spend too long worrying about it. The one you’re supposed to end up with would never break your heart anyway.

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I’m Still Falling In Love With You

 

 

 

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I’m still falling in love with you, and I haven’t yet hit the ground. I’m almost there, though.

I remember when I first started falling for you, it was the little things you would do and say. The small ways you would look at me and hold me. But I remember the first time I noticed something interesting with me and you, I’d subtly make eye contact with you, just for a moment, and your eyes wouldn’t flicker one bit. It was as if in that connected second defined something more than just physical attraction.

You got in my head. You had me. Your persistence didn’t go unnoticed trust me, but I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate your persistence with me.

Even though it was unpredictable and somewhat ill-fitting, looking back to that early phase of us still excites me. It was during this time that I discovered a side of you that I truly adored. I just wanted to know everything about you and I still do. From your biggest fears to your relationship with your parents, I want to know everything and anything in-between. Give me the all dirty details, tell me all the thing you’ve never told anyone else. I’ll love you more, I promise.

Even though you can be moody and impulsive when you have your bad days, it could never outweigh how good it feels to simply be in your arms. I’ll melt away as you pull my body into yours and kiss the back of my neck. Your silly, yet adorable laugh is perfect.

Falling in love with you is making my heart feel like my heart could explode at any second and I remember the first time you made me feel like that. You smiled at me as I turned my head to face you and you were studying my expression, trying to take me in. I was feeling so vulnerable and what you said meant everything … ‘god you’re so beautiful’ you said, not taking your eyes off me, you looked back and fourth from my eyes to my lips and gently kissed me and in that moment I knew I never wanted to hear anyone else tell me I was beautiful apart from you.

You’ll never know the shockwave that hit my body at that moment, like a wakeup call reminding me that you were the real deal. Like this could be something great.

Even as I take this fall towards loving you, I’m fearful. I’m fearful because once I’m done falling, you could destroy me. You could throw my heart on the ground and stomp on it and I don’t want to experience that kind of heartache, not with you. I’m taking a risk with you, because you’re not the safe choice. you could decide to walk at any moment.

But you know what? It feels exhilarating, because now that I’m falling in love with you, I wouldn’t want it any other way. This is how it should feel to fall for someone. It’s worth the risk, if those moments of bliss don’t make you want to put everything into that person, you’ll find yourself catching your footing before you hit the ground.

Be my biggest risk and my greatest win.

Is Love Magic?

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How can looking at someone you love fill you with such happiness and dread all at the same time?
This is a question I continuously find myself thinking about, don’t get me wrong. I’m not cynical, not much anyway. I know love exists, I’ve seen it and I believe that I’ve felt it too, I know what it feels like to love someone.
But then I’ve never witnessed what I would consider love, so how can I completely believe in something that I have never seen?
Could it be that there are so many variations of what each of us consider love that we will never see the version we consider as correct?
But why does most love seem to have a sell by date, what type of love is the correct version that means it will stay forever, because whatever that version is I would quite like to find it.
Falling in love is one of the scariest things I know, it’s like metaphorically handing over not only your heart but also your mentality to someone and asking if they wouldn’t mind holding on to it for a while for you, maybe so they can put them in a safe place that only they can get to, out of reach from everyone else.
Love is a selfish expression, something you are only happy to give away while your heart will let you and once you don’t want to give anymore the likelihood is that you will stop, leaving that other person wondering what happened. Leaving them broken. I don’t want someone to be able to break me, not again. I think this make me more of a realist than a cynic.
I’ve seen the painful side of love, where marriages end and families split up. That’s when resentment sets in and I do not wish to resent anyone in this world, I believe life is far too short to hate or resent anyone.
That said, I am not someone who willingly gives her heart to people, trusting someone not to break me is not something that happens easily.
But this one, the one who can fill me with dread and happiness all at once. He’s being trusted, I’m trusting him not to hurt me and this is what love makes me dread, the point where I get hurt. Not all love has to come to it’s unavoidable end though I would hope. Because love truly is a beautiful thing, all those flaws that someone had before just vanish. You would rather stay in with them and do nothing than go out. Love is magic really.