Thank You For Breaking My Heart



You were awful, there I said it.

Never have I been treated so badly by anyone in all my life.
But I’m not here pitying myself, I’m actually very happy.
But you … You’re still with her, in that awful poisonous relationship where you both push and test each other, with no trust. I just got thrust into the middle of it all. By complete accident, I caught feelings for you I say ‘caught’ because it seems like a neagative connotation and I’m glad it does, like someone catching an illness I caught feelings for you in a sudden and unexpected way, through all your lies and fake affection and I sadly believed every word you said to me.

While you lay in bed with me telling me how awful she was to you I believed that she really was, just as when you lay with her telling her I was a tragic cock tease she believed you too. You had us wrapped around your little finger.
You made me feel safe. The worst thing you could have ever done, especially as you knew deep down you would never stay, when you took that safety away from me I felt totally broken and vulnerable.
That’s why I hate you .. Not because of the lies and the deception, because you turned me into something I’m not, you made me feel small and weak and I can tell you that I am neither of those things.
It was this ‘illness’ you gave me. It made me feel vulnerable for a while, but now I’ve built my strength back up.
And I’m slowly opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again.
But I feel fine about it, because it isn’t by you.

I can pity you now, because I’m happy, I’m happy with him.
He makes me laugh and smile in ways you never could. He looks at me in ways that makes me feel so beautiful and he doesn’t feel insecure about thinking I’m beautiful, not like you did.

I’m slowly trusting him, but it’s taking a while because of these new found issues I have.
But all that pain you’ve caused, that’s basically gone, It’s more like a dull ache, one that reminds me not to fall so hard and fast for someone like I did with you.
I hope I fall in love with him, because it would be an honour to feel loved by him.
Like they say, you can’t choose when you get hurt in this world, but you can choose who hurts you.

I made a mistake letting you hurt me, you shouldn’t have been able to get that privilege.

I’m Not Capable Of Hating You


I can’t hate anyone especially you.
I wish I could, oh how I wish I could fill my body with such resentment for a person that it spirals into a fit of range and explodes into the most vile hatred anyone has ever seen.
I wish my body was capable of such negativity.
But it’s just not, I never hate people. I only ever hate what others turn me into, I see figments of myself change as people hurt me and let me down. I wish I could take my negativity out in others but instead I let it remould my personality and shape it slightly differently each time I get hurt.
I wish someone could melt me down, I would let them remould me and start again.
I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could remember a time when I was a perfectly moulded version of myself, before you ruined me.

You’ve made me hate myself over and over again, you’ve made me feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t feel good enough anymore, I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
The golden glow of confidence I had is getting smaller and smaller as I hate myself more and more because of you.

I crawl back every time and I don’t know why when you don’t even respect me as a person. Your vial and you swear at me but for some reason I just think it’s because you’re scared of how you feel. Deep down though I know it isn’t. It’s actually just because you don’t respect me. You probably never will, not enough to have my heart anyway. You don’t actually deserve another minute of my time, i’ll realise this. Eventually.