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You’re not dating

I hate to break it to you, but what you’re doing is not dating.

What you’re doing is distracting yourself, and that’s ok, but it’s important to take a second to recognise the difference even it’s just for your own acceptance.

When you’re not ready to date with a purpose, you can use the time wisely to distract yourself until you are. Distract yourself from the person you’re trying to get over and heal from until all of a sudden you realise that you aren’t thinking about them every day, they aren’t infiltrating your dreams anymore and you’re no longer using them as a point of reference when you’re talking about your love life.

If it takes a new body every weekend to erase the person you’re getting over, then that’s totally fine. But please for the love of god … do not call that dating!

 Dating means opening up and actually letting another person get to know you … the good and the bad (scary I know, because that means you have to accept that other people might think you’re not perfect 100% of the time).

To be honest, a form of pretending to date is going to hang out with someone for the first time with the intention of sleeping with them, because let’s be honest, you’re not that bothered about spending time genuinely getting to know them and understanding what makes them tick if you’re already planning to get them naked halfway through your ‘date‘.

When you’re ready and in your own time, you’ll find someone who’s worth dating and I mean really dating. Someone who you’re excited to get to know more about and you don’t mind hanging out with on occasions where you don’t end up having sex, but you see each other just because you want to.

But until then, go through your list of people who you want to get to know physically but not mentally, you might as well have fun while you’re trying to block the void of space that your last relationship has left.

Just take a second to remember, when you talk about how your dating life is going so unsuccessfully, it’s probably because you’re not actually dating.

When you’re mentally ready to date someone you’ll find everything happening a lot easier, a connection will feel less forced and you’ll feel like you’ve come away from ‘dates’ with something more than just an orgasm.

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Our first date

How it should be:

I want to remember our first date as something special, a story that can be told to our children and grandchildren.

I want the story of our first date to make people say “aww how romantic, it must have been nice for someone to have made that kind of effort” and for me to smile back with pride knowing that it was special.

Our first date should be something that will stick in my mind, even if we don’t work out. I want our first date to be the one that I compare all the next first dates I go on too, despite the fact that I’ll secretly hope I’ll never have to go on a first date again.

I want you to put in effort to get to know me on our first date, I don’t want the plan to be something rubbish and boring, something anyone could suggest. I won’t remember going for dinner ten years from now, that would just be something that gets pushed to the back of my mind and lost in amongst all my other throw away memories.

No, on our first date you should want to try and impress me. And this doesn’t mean you have to spend a ridiculous amount of money, it means I want you to put some thought into it. Try and find something you’ll think I’ll enjoy doing.

I want our first kiss to come with a cute story that makes up part of our first date. There won’t be many first kisses that you remember, but you’ll remember ours.

After our first date I want to spend weeks telling my friends about it and when I introduce you to my family, I want them to be impressed by how much effort you went to to impress their daughter, especially since they always go on about how ridiculously high my standards are.

We won’t have met online so our first date won’t be weird and awkward, I won’t have to scan crowds of people to find your face. We’d have already met before this, so before our first date you can spend less time worrying if I’ll look like my pictures and more time thinking how to show off how romantic you can be when you’re trying to impress the girl you fancied at the first time you saw her.

I want to be able to get butterfly’s when I tell people about our first date, because it will still get me nervous and excited even just reliving the memory of it.

But most of all, our first date should make me feel excited about how the rest of our story is going to unfold…..

How it probably will be:

After a few days of conversation after meeting on an app …. we met for a drink. I won’t remember where we went or what we drank, in fact, a year from now it will be totally lost in my mind completely.

The end.

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There Are No First Date Rules

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As much as us millennials want to convince ourselves that there are specific steps we should take to make a first date successful, I just don’t believe that’s true.

Who says we have to kiss someone on a first date to let them know we’re interested? Or, if we decide we want to sleep with someone on a first date, why do we think this means they will never want to see us again?

No first date is the same and different things work for different people. Is it fair to tell someone, they shouldn’t immediately text at the end of a successful first date if they want to, because you think it will come across far too keen? Probably not, because maybe the person they’ve just been on a date with might be looking for some reassurance that everything went well and besides, any normal functioning human being likes to be told that they’ve made a good impression on someone they’re dating.

Ultimately, if you sleep with someone on a first date and they aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know you, the likelihood is you won’t hear from them again … we could refer to someone like this as a ‘player’ and if that’s the dating path they are walking, then thats just fine, but if its not the one you want to walk, I would suggest taking a different route!

Personally, I’m not very affectionate, so for me to kiss someone on a first date, it would have to be because there is some kind of palpable chemistry between us. But ultimately I’m more of a slow burner. Does this mean people think i’m not interested? Well, yes probably sometimes, but that’s normally only when I haven’t reassured them that I’ve enjoyed spending time with them.

I cannot stress enough how much there isn’t a set rule book everyone should follow! I remember one of my friends telling me about one of her dating disasters, on her first date with a guy she got so drunk that she was sick on the tube right next to him … logically we would all assume that this guy would never want to see her again right? WRONG. He messaged her the next day to set up date number two ….

My last relationship formed after a drunken one night stand and we stayed together for three years. But also, on the one occasion I went on a first date and slept with the guy on the same night, I ended up never seeing him again and I’m sure thats a very relatable situation to a lot of people.

Ultimately, on a first date, you do whatever you think feels right. You wanna get drunk, get drunk. You wanna snog their face off, you do it! You wanna steal their phone and tell their family you’re going to marry them …. probably don’t do that actually. But sometimes, things we think will put someone off, just doesn’t and things we think will keep someone interested, ultimately pushes them away.

So on your next first date, you do you and make sure that date finishes exactly the way you want it to (probably making a second one)!