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How to get over a narcissist

These past few months have been difficult. Trust me, I know.

You wake up each day with the intention of moving forward, but you are unavoidably reminded of him when your Spotify shuffles to that one song. Memories flood back of that time in his room, gazing out the window at the sun, feeling the most calm you’ve ever felt. He was your serenity and then he took it away.

You can’t help but think of him when you’re telling all these new people you’ve met about the story of why you are where you are. It’s these moments when you can’t help but recall how difficult it was to not fall in love with his seemingly flawless charm, how hard you fought against liking him for months on end just for his perseverance to pay off in the end when he had you fall for him harder than you’ve ever fallen for anyone.

You’ve never felt things that deeply for another person and as he was pulling away it just made you want to delve into the intricacies of his mind to see what was going on. You wanted to see what was beneath that outgoing, arrogantly confident persona because I mean after a while, he did in fact seem perfect to you, all you wanted to do was workout how you became so obsessed with someone who initially you had no interest in. Why was he the way he was.

The thing is, you assumed that everyone’s good and kind and open, like how you were. And so it was impossible to see the reality behind his deliberate façade. You couldn’t have known the truth at the time. Even if everyone around you was trying so hard to point it out.

He lured you in little by little, making sure to carefully conceal his numerous flaws. He was strategic with it all. And then, surely, when he had you securely in his palm, his utter sense of superiority inevitably began to creep into his comments or behaviour. His self-absorption would always find fault in you when things were clearly lacking on his end. In difficult moments, his demeaning and self-loathing side would berate you while embracing his victimhood. He was always perfect, and you were always flawed.

But you made excuses for him, I know. And please don’t beat yourself up over this, because the truth is, you’re a good person and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even when your friends were telling you you’d changed. You always wanted to see the best in him. You wanted to believe he was who he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. The guy who was there ready to give you everything, including his future.

You wanted to understand him and be the one woman who could keep him in his stage of being physically obsessed with you, so he didn’t get tempted by all the other women he could lure in with the arrogance and charm he gave off when he went out.

His power trip obsession meant he always needed to be in control, especially over how others saw him and felt about him. And you were just the biggest challenge he’d come across. The first one not to fall at his feet immediately

And despite the sheer devastation he caused, you’re still standing, you’re still here. You’ll find someone with the same heart as you, but he’ll stay wounded and will keep damaging others who happen to come across his path. Sucks to be them.

Just remember, it’s okay to not assume the worst in a human being. Most people in this world aren’t that horrible and even though this may seem difficult to believe right now, there’s nothing you could have done differently that would have changed how it ended. In typical narcissist fashion, he lured you in and spat you out. Leaving you as a shell of who you were before him.

But please know that this has nothing to do with your worth or value as a human being and everything to do with his deep-rooted insecurities and past. It has everything to do with the fact that he knows no other way to be, he needs to feel wanted and needs to get attention off others in any way he can, you were only providing love and affection but you would never have been enough forever. He didn’t know how to only get attention from one person.

So right now, just scream and shout as much as you want. Throw shit if you have to, because almost nothing compares to the pain you’re feeling. He took off his mask, and in the process of doing so, he left you broken. You’re probably still trying to process everything that happened, to make sense of everything and actually you know what, it will take a while.

But you know what, there is no “processing” with a person like him. There is no sense in his actions, and there is not one single instance that caused him to walk away. There was nothing you said or did that caused this.

So take all the anguish, the ache, and go for a long run until you can’t feel your legs, sit outside, spend times with genuine people who care about you. Care for yourself and pick yourself up, because you’ve been through a rough time. Repeat this each and every day until you feel like yourself again. Yes, the scar is very deep, but you’re a strong person, and you will move on. It hurts so badly because you gave everything you had in you, and that alone is a beautiful thing. Even if right now you’re sat thinking you never want to do that ever again.

But trust me, you’ll find someone eventually who makes you want to fall head over heels again, someone you get excited to give everything to.

It just takes time.

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Advice from those before you

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She wants you to be successful, she wants you to get her to fall in love.

Yep, there’s that big L word, love …. she’s almost forgotten what that feels like, how it feels to be crazy about someone. To want to be around one person constantly. How is she supposed to tell you how to make it work?

Maybe if you took a note from those who came before you, you’d understand why she keeps running off in the opposite direction whenever she thinks you’re getting too close.

To understand her, maybe advice from the people before you would be just what you need?


Advice number 1: She’s a control freak.

She needs to fall for you on her own terms in her own way. She has to lead, that’s really important, or at least at the start. Until she’s comfortable with you, you need to understand that she just assumes you’re going to build the foundations of a potential relationship wrong. So she wants to create the base.

Oh and most importantly, don’t be too touchy feely, not at the start. Once she likes you and has handed over the reins she’ll want you all over her. But not until she’s decided she likes you.

You’ll be able to work out when it’s your turn to take over in the relationship she’s trying to build with you.

Advice number 2: Be confident.

You need to be confident enough around her to tell her how you feel, she doesn’t like liars or confusing messages.

Once you know she likes you, you need to do everything you can to keep her. It might take her a while to actually make her mind up about you, but once she does, you’ll be with the most loyal person you’ve ever met.

But seriously, do not lie to her because once you’ve burnt all your bridges, she will be able to act like she doesn’t even know who you are anymore.

Advice number 3: You need to understand that you’ll never understand her.

That weird twisted dark sense of humour is clearly a defence mechanism, if you manage to break down her walls to find out what/who broke her heart then you’re amongst a very small number of people.

Once you’ve got her interested in you, don’t play games anymore. the Game playing phase is over once she likes you. But remember, don’t go too fast or expect things to happen as quick as you’d like. This is how you’ll accidentally push her away.

Oh and Remember you can make her feel beautiful without objectifying her.

Advice number 4: Give her time and space.

She’s weirdly complicated, she wants you to want her but not too much otherwise she’ll get scared off.

In a way, she needs to chase you to begin with, if you’re constantly there willing to give her undivided attention straight away she won’t like it. It will be too much too quick.

Everything with her is ANYTHING but quick, you need to be willing to slow things down, and then slow it down again.

But if you’re lucky enough to get her to love you, make sure you’re all in it with her. She’ll never admit it, but it’s easy to break her heart once she’s in love.

Advice number 5: Just let her be crazy.

She will keep you on your toes. So make sure you’ve got good balance.

When she gets in one of her crazy moods, just wait it out, because even she wont know if she wants you to be a million miles away from her, or hold her so tight she can’t breath when she’s mad at you.

Advice number 6: Remember to reassure her

She has this weird obsession with fulfilling other peoples expectations of her, so make sure you reassure her she’s doing great. She likes hearing nice things from the person she’s dating.

Funny thing is, she’s always so determined to improve herself and everything around her sometimes she can forget to enjoy the moment she’s in, so if you can, get her to enjoy everything around her more.


But maybe there’s a reason why none of the ones before you managed to get it to work, maybe they figured her out in part but not fully. So perhaps you’ll be the one who totally gets it right?

Maybe the journey you’re going to go on with her will be the final one she takes, the last time she has to go through being chased and then chasing after someone.

Just remember, she wants you to get her, she just doesn’t know how to tell you to do how to it.

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You’ll get pushed away

There’s something built into me, almost like a reflex, something I can’t control. I’ll push you away. when you try and get too close I will automatically push you away, it’s just what I do.

When you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll do something weird and it will be because I don’t want you to know me.

Your “I know what you’re really like” messages stir something up inside me that make me want to change my name and move to a different country, because I don’t want you to know what I’m really like. I actually don’t think anyone deserves to know.

So this is me pre warning you, the closer you get to me, the harder I’ll push back on you. The more intense my mood swings will be. The closer you try to get to me, the less I’ll want you.

I don’t want you to “know the real me” because the real me is turbulent, I’m constantly looking for something better and ultimately, I’ll want to replace you and once you find that out, you should want to walk away.

I get easily bored of people who act as if they know me. You don’t. I’ll carefully choose small pieces of information to divulge to you so you feel like I’m opening up, but I’m not. I’m just giving you enough to make you want to stick around for the amount of time I actually want to keep you.

Just when you feel like you’ve got me sussed, I’ll push you away. Just like I do with all the others and I’m not even sorry.

So come prepared and make sure you’re wearing adequate padding for when you hit the floor after I’ve given you a shove. Especially since I’ll want to you keep coming back.

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Ambition and compatibility

You’re on different paths, and your paths are steering away from each other, beautifully unsynced, never meant to join and run in harmony forever.

But that’s ok.

Who’d have thought that your biggest ‘what if’ would have been over someone you thought you wanted to spend your life with.

But that’s what happens when one person is driven to move forward and the other is content with being stagnant, going round in circles.

Whether we like it or not, levels of ambition are key to compatibility, you can’t have one person excelling forward while dragging someone with them kicking and screaming. You have to be willing to push each other forward as much as you can if you’re keen to be successful, support each other’s dreams and be willing to remind each other of how far you’ve both come.

On the other hand, there are people who are happy to reach a level in their life and then remain stagnant, you’ll think you’ve reached your highest point and you’re happy with where you are.

That’s fine, but that’s not what she’s like.

You admire her because she’s forever chasing after her ambitions, you watch her go after what she wants while you sit content, happy with exactly where you are and what you’re doing.

Your paths are different, and that’s ok. But ultimately that’s what will keep the two of you apart.

She’s scared of knowing what her forever looks like, maybe because she’s worried her forever won’t be the kind of person to make sure she keeps hold of her ambition and drive to constantly move forward and chase after what she wants, or maybe she’s scared because she’s seen what staying still can do to people.

So before you promise her forever, before you decide that you want to be her future, ask yourself if you can help make sure she remains determined and ambitious, will you let her stop excelling when she says that you’re now all she wants, or will you be there pushing her up towards her goals?

Remember, right now she doesn’t need you, she’s busy going after exactly what she wants. So if she wants you, that’s a privilege.

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Here’s to another failed lover

She was too much, too eccentric, too creative, too passionate.

Too good…..

When she spoke about her passions her eyes lit up, but when she spoke about you her soul was alight. And for you, that was too much.

All she wanted was for you to have her body, she wanted you to fuck her like you’d missed her after all those weeks apart. She wanted you to at least pretend to be as obsessed with her as she had been with you.

A woman filled with that much love and passion would have always been too good for you, a guy who is chasing after perfection but doesn’t know what it looks like.

I can’t give you what you want right now, I think it’s best we stop before we get carried away

What you should’ve told her is how you’re ready to invest in the idea of someone else who isn’t her, you’re ready to give someone else everything they want, but she didn’t quite make the cut, she couldn’t get to have you like that, ready to do anything for her.

So for one last night, pretend to want no one else but her, like you’ve managed to do so masterfully until now.

Hold her as though having anyone else in your arms would feel wrong, take control of her the way she loves. She’s spent weeks reminiscing about how strong you were when you pushed her against your kitchen wall, how quick you were to touch every inch of her body and how night went into day as you spent time making sure no one would ever make her feel the way you had.

Remind her how good it feels to be wanted by you, even if you know that after tonight, she’ll never know that feeling again.

In a few weeks you’ll be a distant memory and she’ll have found someone else to obsess over, someone else to fill position number four in her line up of love interests.

You were just one of her many failed lovers, but for the time you were in her life, you were the only one she craved attention from, the only one who’s affection felt like a drug. The only one she needed daily attention from to function.

But she was too good for you, and next week you’ll be replaced with someone new, someone better.

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You’re just bored

We’ve all been there … I think.

You’re bored so you start giving someone attention when you really shouldn’t. You start flirting when you know you shouldn’t, but boredom brings out the worst in us sometimes!

You’re sat scrolling through your phone when suddenly you remember that person who’s always up for receiving your attention and you just can’t help yourself, before you know it, it’s happened you’ve sent the oh so boring “hey” text and then carry on scrolling through social media as if nothing ever happened.

Of course it’s only seconds until they reply, but they’ll always been a bit more keen, why wouldn’t they be when you’re always the one who decides when the conversation stops and starts … so their “hey” message also includes a smiley emoji, which of course, makes you cringe a bit inside.

You know you shouldn’t do it, but it’s so easy! All you want is some attention and this one person who you have no investment in what so ever will freely give it to you and expect nothing in return … which probably means they actually like you and here you are just being a bit of a dick about it, but as you’ve been told before, all is fair in love and war and in the game of modern day love, not a lot turns out to be fair!

All of a sudden you find yourself three weeks into some intense flirting game and you realise something …. you realise you’re no longer bored and you don’t want to bother anymore. Awkward.

The point is, maybe there’s something else we can do when we’re bored? Maybe we don’t have to start playing around with people. Maybe we can take up a hobby instead?

But this is like the good old back and forward exchange that normally happens when you’ve just broken up with someone. You know you don’t want them but you like the attention they give you, so you’ll just fish around until you get a bite from them.

I get it, we’re all human and sometimes we just need to have a compliment thrown our way or we just want to feel wanted.

But just make sure you can tell the difference between when you’re just bored … and when you’re actually into someone.

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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).