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What you should’ve said

If you had the guts, maybe you would have told him face to face, maybe if you weren’t so scared about putting your neck on the line you would have pulled him aside and told him everything and you wouldn’t have even given a second thought to the consequences?

But this is real life and it isn’t that simple.

When you’re worried about opening up to people you don’t tend to put your heart on the line.

Actions have consequences and words can stay with someone for a very long time, maybe if you could tell someone how you feel and then instantly wipe their memory it would make things easier?

So in this pretend scenario where you’re not a coward and you’re not scared to take things into your own hands, maybe this is what you would have told him:

Maybe you would have told him that being around him makes you happy, that waking up and knowing that you’re seeing him makes your day feel less heavy.

You could have told him that in the moment when he does things that are a bit unconventional you just end up fancying him more, things that other people find weird and make them describe him as an introvert actually make you wonder if he’s got a space for you in his closed off world that not many people make the cut into.

Maybe you’d have said that if you were make him laugh every day then you would, because his laugh is infectious and makes you smile in a way that very few other things do.

Maybe you could have told him that he shouldn’t ignore how he feels about you because you feel exactly the same and what he’s tried to shrug off as a meaningless crush is actually deeper than that, even if he tries to convince himself it isn’t.

You could’ve said that when you see his name pop up on your phone first thing in the morning and as soon as you finish work, it makes you almost miss seeing his face because when he texts you stupid things that make you laugh you wish you could see the facial expressions he’s pulling, because his overly expressive face just makes everything seem even more funny.

You should have told him you liked him, but maybe it was more than that. You should have told him that you can feel electricity when you’re in touching distance of him, you should have told him that you can stop thinking about him grabbing your waist and kissing your neck, that after that one time it’s all you’ve been able to think about ever since and maybe that’s fuc**d up! Or maybe this is just what totally undiluted lust feels like?

Maybe you would’ve said that he’s not your type and that’s why this is so confusing for you because your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another, but sometimes people are so similar it’s scary.

You could’ve told him that no one understands the controversial opinions you have like he does and no one listens to them while sharing similar opinions like him, no one gets it quite like he does.

Maybe you should’ve told him that you understand that the timing is wrong and that you’ve crossed paths at the worst point in both your lives, but you really hope that your paths cross again in the future.

There’s a lot you would’ve told him if you’d had the guts …. but you didn’t.

And now you’ll just have to hold on to your “what if” and the hope that this isn’t the end of it.

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This is what heartbreak looks like

Who knew this is what heartbreak looks like.

Heartbreak has the most beautiful brown eyes and hair so soft you want to run your hands through it every day for the rest of your life. But you can’t keep him, he’s going to break your heart.

Heartbreak tells you the most convincing lies, it’s love he tells you. Everything he does is because he loves you. Poisonous words dressed up as something you need, something you want to keep listening to for the rest of your life. You’ll be able to listen to him for the rest of your life he tells you, but heartbreak is the best liar you’ll ever meet. So convincing, you even start to question if in fact you’re the bad and he’s the good.

Heartbreak needs your attention to make him feel validated. But he doesn’t just need your attention, he needs attention from anyone who will give it and this is why he will end up breaking your heart.

Heartbreak will take your hand and show you off to his friends and family, he likes people knowing that you’re with him. He’ll treat you like the best thing in the world until you’re not anymore.

Heartbreak is handsome and dominant, he loves knowing he makes you feel safe, until he decides he doesn’t want to anymore.

True heartbreak will generate electricity when he touches your skin, and you’ll forever be looking for that spark in a place where your heart is safe. But nothing can awaken your body like heartbreak does.

They teach you to look out for heartbreak but I guess we never expect him to be wrapped in such a charming package, one that you look for on every street, every train and in every passing car.

We can move on from heartbreak, but we can never forget him.

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Do you want to know?

When you look at me is it because you want to know what it feels like to kiss me?

Do you want to know what it feels like to put your hand on my waist as you pull me in closer to you? Do you want to know if you’d be able to make my heart race faster just be breaking all of the rules of ‘space’ we have to have between us.

Do you every try to remember how my skin feels against your lips as you kiss my neck, maybe you could still smell my perfume, or maybe you were too drunk to even notice?

Do you want to find out what it feels like to kiss me before you disappear for good?

Do you want to know what I think? Because I’m thinking about you and how I think you’d kiss me with a sense of urgency, I think it would be like that because you’d have lost the control you’ve been trying so hard to have over not wanting me anymore.

Repressed desire always has a way of sneaking out in the end, but maybe since we only have one opportunity to let it run away with us that makes it ok?

Do you want to lose control for one evening and let yourself think about me? Even though I know how hard you’ve been trying not to.

Would kissing me ruin it for you? This fake sense of control you’ve given yourself.

This evening could be ours, no one else would have to know. Maybe we can let these last few hours wash over us as if no one else was here, because if no one else was here what would you want to do?

Do you still want to know what it would feel like to have me in whatever way you desired most? It’s ok, she doesn’t have to know.

We won’t have to see each other again after tonight so maybe you want to find out what it’s like to kiss me and I mean really kiss me, do you want to know what I think should happen? I think you should lead me away from everyone else and lean in slightly too close to me, just to find out what would happen next.

If you still want to know what it’s like to kiss me, then you should do it on your final few hours when we won’t have to see each other again afterwards, that way looking at me the next day won’t remind you that you have to feel guilty.

So do you want to know what I think? I think you should do it while you still have the chance.

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Swings and roundabouts

Just like the story of Romeo and Juliet, but the edited version … where Romeo is a complete twat and Juliet is a needy bitch.

Oh and the fact that hopefully no one will die, except apparently it is possible to die of a broken heart and maybe just maybe that’s how this will end.

This story that’s going round and round, this stupid modern day romance story, where a happy ending is looking less and less likely because we have countless options of our fairy tale ending right at our finger tips.

Neither of you want the other at the right time and when one of you is falling hard the other one is shutting off faster than a fat man at a juice detox retreat. Because what’s more gross than when one person has feelings and the other one doesn’t (ew, cringe)

Remember as children we’re always told ‘oh you just want that because you can’t have it‘ well guess what … adults get that as well! Except it’s less likely to be with material objects and tends to be more with wanting attention from people we can’t get it from.

And that’s where we get back to “our story” because you’ll only want me when I’m pulling away from you and, to be fair this is where we’re the same and it is what I would class as our downfall.


The equation of you and me:

You + wanting me = me not wanting you + you getting bored = you giving less attention

(You – your undivided attention = me wanting you) = Me + wanting you = you not wanting me


I could be driving myself crazy being head over heels in love with you (and trust me I know because I have been) but because I feel like that we both know you’ll be pulling away at a rate of knots! It’s all so tragic and romantic (not).

Oh modern love! Aren’t you awful and disgusting! I wish we could go back to the era of our grandparents where you married your childhood sweetheart and stayed together forever, but nope. That’s not how life really works anymore.

So how does this compare to Romeo and Juliet? Well, it’s tragic isn’t it? Paired with the swings and roundabout leading to continuous heart break and external forces keeping two people apart.

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The resurrection of the Ex’s

 

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Do you ever look at one of your ex’s and think …. I don’t even recognise you?

If you feel like since you’ve left them (or they’ve left you) they’ve been reborn into some new person that you don’t even recognise, then you’re not alone. People change and sometimes that’s shitty, especially when they turn into a version of themselves they promised they never could be.

And now you’re just left standing there looking at your ex thinking did you die?! Did you die and a new spirit has taken over your body, because this is not who I remember, this is not who I was dating

Let’s just pause for a moment of reflection here though *sits starring into space for a brief moment contemplating life*, do you think you come across as the same person to your friends, family, work colleagues, people you meet in one off social situations etc? Answer to that is probably not …. so is it our ex’s fault if they now look like a version of themselves you’ve never seen before?

You fall in love with a version of someone that you view as perfect and flawless … and maybe to get you to love them they only showed parts of their personality that they knew you’d love, like a showreel of the best parts of themselves, but no one can hide their true selves forever and I think in part, it would be unreasonable to expect that.

When you break up with someone (or when they break up with you) they will change, that’s a given. They no longer have to be the version of them that was focused on making you happy/the version you loved.

I think sometimes a lot of people get back together after breaking up because each of you go back to being yourselves again and suddenly you see the version of that other person coming back that you fell for in the first place, not the adapted version they became to make you happy.

This is why I think it’s super important to be friends with someone before you start dating, because you’ve seen them in an unfiltered way prior to loving them.

However, as an alternative approach, some of us just wish our ex’s would get hit by a car when we break up, but it still leaves the question, what version of themselves will they resurrect as?

So maybe it’s best to leave our pasts dead and buried, but if they do come back, just keep an eye out for the red flags, because people are constantly showing us who they really are through their actions, but we just tend to pick and choose what we want to pay attention to, especially when we really like them.

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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).

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You’ll get pushed away

There’s something built into me, almost like a reflex, something I can’t control. I’ll push you away. when you try and get too close I will automatically push you away, it’s just what I do.

When you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll do something weird and it will be because I don’t want you to know me.

Your “I know what you’re really like” messages stir something up inside me that make me want to change my name and move to a different country, because I don’t want you to know what I’m really like. I actually don’t think anyone deserves to know.

So this is me pre warning you, the closer you get to me, the harder I’ll push back on you. The more intense my mood swings will be. The closer you try to get to me, the less I’ll want you.

I don’t want you to “know the real me” because the real me is turbulent, I’m constantly looking for something better and ultimately, I’ll want to replace you and once you find that out, you should want to walk away.

I get easily bored of people who act as if they know me. You don’t. I’ll carefully choose small pieces of information to divulge to you so you feel like I’m opening up, but I’m not. I’m just giving you enough to make you want to stick around for the amount of time I actually want to keep you.

Just when you feel like you’ve got me sussed, I’ll push you away. Just like I do with all the others and I’m not even sorry.

So come prepared and make sure you’re wearing adequate padding for when you hit the floor after I’ve given you a shove.