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To chase or not to chase?

As women we’re always told ‘never chase a man‘ but the issue with this advice is the fact that it’s almost discouraging women from pursuing the man she wants, and what’s wrong with a bit of effort?

Does a runner win a race by standing still? Absolutely not.

If you’ve managed to go out and get the job you want, the pay rise you dreamt of, the car you’ve aspired to drive ….. you can’t say you managed to get all of those things by turning in the opposite direction and acting as if you didn’t want them. The odds are, you probably went after them with determination and perseverance.

So why treat the person we want any differently?

And I know what you’re going to say, people are different to material objects, they can make their own conscious decisions and yes I agree, however …. If effort is being reciprocated then you shouldn’t be scared to chase after what you want.

I also believe that making a man constantly chase you is a dangerous game, because if we think of it like a cat playing with a piece of string …. the longer you make the game last the less satisfied the cat is once the string is dropped, because the effort in trying to get it was more rewarding than actually having it and no one wants to feel like a piece of dropped string.

But maybe the chase is how we feel wanted? Maybe someone putting in unrequited effort for us is what makes us feel fully secure with the fact that they want us and only us?

At what point do we stop chasing or being chased and make the person we like feel wanted and appreciated with consistency? Because honestly, I can’t think of a bigger turn on when dating someone than that person showing you consistency.

If you’re like me, you’ll be worried that when you let people stop chasing you and give them your full attention, they’ll run off and won’t want you anymore, but maybe we need to let our walls down and give up on the idea of the chase for a while.

Maybe being honest with our feelings is the way forward, if you like the fact someone is chasing you, tell them ….. if you’re chasing after someone you like, TELL THEM!

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That Narcissistic Lover Broke Her

The Vampire Diaries discovered by Tay on We Heart It

When she fell in love with a narcissist she sadly lost a part of herself that will never come back. And while you’ll never meet the old her, the one that fell in love without caution and wasn’t afraid of being hurt, the version of her that stands in front of you now is wiser and more well rounded when it comes to life, but you need to understand why she does things in ways that maybe you won’t always understand.

All those times when you’ve found her difficult to read or confusing to deal with, just remember at one point she had her own self worth shattered into a million pieces by the one person she thought loved her more than anything.

When she hears you call her beautiful there’s always going to be a small part of her that thinks you’re only saying it because you know it’s what she wants to hear. I know you’re wondering why your compliments always partly fall on deaf ears, or when she does acknowledge them they’re greeted with more of a shrug and a laugh, but it’s because she’s used to compliments always being followed with a ‘but‘ things that should have made her feel like a princess were always tinted by comparing her to others and making her feel like she could be better, prettier and smarter ‘Your hair looks so beautiful when you have it straight‘ he would whisper in her ear ‘but don’t you think it would look better how that woman over there has hers, when women have a slight wave in their hair it looks so effortless‘ so from that point on, she maybe straighten her hair once or twice a year.

He changed her, he convinced her that she never looked as good with light hair and that the only colour she should have on her nails was red. He picked out what was and wasn’t appropriate for her to wear, so if you see her pulling at her skirt when you’re together it’s probably because she’s worried you think its too short or ‘not appropriate‘. In the back of her mind her appearance and how she comes across to others is always going to play on her mind. She knows she needs to look elegant and well put together to qualify as ‘girlfriend material’.

She needs that physical closeness, she needs lots of contact with you to feel wanted, her heightened sexual appetite is partly fuelled by her past, a past that taught her that sex was how you create a connection with someone. She learned that you didn’t need endless conversations and to really get to know the good and bad in someone. As long as he wanted her body it meant that she was wanted. She isn’t used to someone wanting to hear about her passions and what makes her tick, what she’s used to is someone telling her that her ambitions are ‘ridiculous‘ and she should aim for something more ‘realistic‘. She’s not used to being around someone who sees life in technicolour like she does, someone who embraces imagination and creativity and encourages her to go after the shit she wants because of course she can achieve it if she sets her mind to it.

She knows it’s annoying how badly she deals with confrontation, if something annoys her she’ll spend days trying to figure out a way to bring it up to you without sounding ‘crazy‘ a word she’s heard so many times before when she’s bought up things that made her uncomfortable, so now …. she stresses about it instead of talking about it, she’s used to bottling her feelings because expressing them was never met by calmness and understanding. But she hates how scared she gets to talk to you about things you wouldn’t even stress about.

You won’t understand why she pushed you away so hard at the start, but her fear of letting someone in as much as she’d done before triggered her avoidant dismissive attachment style and she needed to show that she didn’t need anyone.

She’s used to being chased relentlessly, but she’s also used to being told that she isn’t enough once the chase is over.

When she fell in love with a narcissist she never knew how much long term damage it would do, and if she did …. she would never have let the years of turbulence play out until she became so dependant on one person that she totally lost her own identity.

When you encourage her to go away and do her own things, it scares her, she won’t ever admit that to you because she’s so fiercely independent, but it triggers a deep set anxious side of her that only comes out when she’s dating. When you encourage her to not need you, she thinks it’s because you’re getting ready to leave her.

While she never wants to need you, if she falls for you, she will need you and thats because of past experiences.

She’s not as fierce and scary as you may think, but the shield she’s put up to protect herself from people like the ones in her past, makes her seem like she’s made from steel.

Her past broke her, but she’s spent a very long time rebuilding her own little castle. It’s important you understand that after she’s fallen in love with a narcissist, she’s always going to be a bit trickier to understand. But if she loves you, you’ll never experience a love like it again, because after that kind of trauma …. she will forever go to the end of the earth for the right person she finds to be deserving of her and her heart.

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Attachment Styles & Relationship Hurdles

Writing about first hand experiences is nerve wracking enough, let alone when it comes to openly admitting your flaws because of your attachment style.

People seem to think that we all have one kind of attachment style and until we own it and recognise what one we have, we aren’t able to change it and develop more meaningful relationships, but what about us strange and complicated individuals who’s attachment styles seem to be as fluid as the tea we’re spilling to our friends about our tragic relationship paths?

What if, some of us will experience different levels of attachment depending on how the person were with is making us feel within the relationship we’re developing with them?

Speaking as someone who always initially starts a relationship in a dismissive avoidant attachment style – which is basically a ‘I don’t need you or anyone else, all I need is my freedom to do what I want and when I want it so please don’t crowd my space and expect too much from me‘ kind of vibe, it’s hard to create an initial bond with someone. I know what you’re thinking … if you recognise this, then why not do something about it?

The key part to this story is that to me, if someone pushes through the emotionally shut down version of myself then when they get through to the caring side of me that would do anything in the world for them, then they really see what they’ve worked for.

Except this just isn’t ever the case, what tends to happen is when people eventually break through the ‘I don’t need you and can look after myself‘ attitude and are greeted with the ‘I want you in my life forever and will show you that in any way I can‘ well they don’t tend to want it anymore.

My experience with toxic narcissistic relationships has bought out a fearful dismissive attachment style in me that I never thought I’d have, but it’s the side of me that turns into a clingy mess when I don’t feel secure in my relationship (ugh god I hate my clingy phase more than anything!). I know that I crave stability and I look for that in my relationships, I want someone to come into my life with the intention to stay and when I’m not sure where I stand, a side of me comes out that I don’t even recognise.

I can see myself behaving in a weird clingy way that I would never do with someone new who I had no emotional attachment to. But this seems to be where the problem lies …. it takes me such a long time to realise I like someone that once I do, all the emotional attachment seems to hit me at once. What I need is for the person I’m dating to tell me that everything is ok and I immediately go back to being myself again and jump straight back into a secure attachment style. For me, when I hit my fearful dismissive phase all I need is some reassurance which generally tends to be the last thing someone wants to give you when you’re behaving weird and clingy!

But hey …. that’s past trauma rearing its ugly head for you!

When the person you’re dating starts acting even a little bit differently, you typically jump into a head space of thinking they don’t want you anymore and you get so badly triggered by your fear of rejection that its the only thing you can seem to concentrate on, especially first thing in the morning and last thing at night (but meditation seriously helps me during this little phase by the way).

And instead of pushing that person anyway, you try to pull them closer and hold on for dear life, because we can’t stand the thought of them going anywhere, when in reality they might just need a little breathing room and that’s totally fine.

But if you’re dating someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style and you need some space, a simple ‘I know we’re going through a bit of a phase at the moment, but I want you to know I’m not going anywhere’ kind of text will save you both A LOT of stress, trust me!

So maybe we don’t have control over our attachment styles, but maybe if we can recognise what phase we’re in and try to understand why we feel the way that we do, we’ll be able to cope with our rollercoaster of emotions a lot better and we can advise the person we’re dating on how to help us deal with them too!

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No one will tick all of your boxes

100% My Type on Paper!

We all do it, sit there and create this formulated list of what we’re looking for in our ‘perfect‘ partner … but there’s the catch. A perfect person doesn’t exist, so you’re already setting yourself up for failure and a stream of disappointment when people don’t live up to the standards that you’ve set.

We need to steer away from creating an extensive criteria of what we want and don’t want in someone, while also getting out the habit of giving up on someone as soon as they take a step wrong, most things are fixable and don’t need to be thrown away or given up on all together just because someone has shown that they maybe aren’t as ‘perfect‘ as you first thought.

Even custom made things that come from factories sometimes aren’t even perfect, and as human beings we all come with prewired quirks that will make us more or less appealing to certain people, life is all about finding the person who’s quirks we find endearing, because lets face it, dating someone who was made in a factory would be bloody boring.

When we start dating someone it’s important to gain an understanding of their background, because this will give you an insight into how they’ve become the person that they are when you’ve met them. Don’t be scared to talk about their parents and how they’ve formulated ideas of family units, ask what their future look like to them. Never assume someone is imagining their future the same way you’re imagining yours, so ask the bigger questions!

You can’t expect someone to walk in and tick every single one of your boxes, if they tick 7/10 you’ve already found someone worth fighting for as long as you can let go of your ‘but I wanted someone who fitted this exact mould‘ kind of mentality. Unfortunately love doesn’t usually work alongside perfection, love is messy and confusing and it pushes us out of our comfort zone, but you know what is in our comfort zone? The list of what we think makes up the ‘prefect partner‘, so already we should know that our list isn’t going to work 100% and that’s ok.

The most important questions to ask yourself are these, how do you feel around them? Do they make you feel listened to and cared about? Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Because if the answer to all of those questions is yes …. maybe you should show away your list with all of the silly tick boxes and maybe you should just cherish the fact that you’ve found someone who makes you happy?

There are a few things that make sense to look for in a partner, for example, if you’re super family orientated and want someone who’s the same way, thats something which makes sense.

If you want to be with someone who has the same passion and ambition that you do (for whatever it is they care about) cool, thats a basic requirement too.

But when we get down to things like, age, location, job titles, family set up, etc etc, we’re stating to include things that don’t necessarily make someone into the person that they are. Which, if we’re looking for our forever person, should be what we’re focusing on. You should want to know the core details of what drives them and how they see their future and be willing to take less notice of the smaller things that they don’t even have control over.

So that list you’ve created for what makes up your ‘perfect‘ partner, yeah throw that away and focus on making yourself as perfect as you think you can be, because if you’re brining greatness to the table then you can expect the same level back.

Life isn’t just about getting to that final destination, it’s also about the journey and sometimes our route never actually looks how we expected it too, but thats what makes it more beautiful.

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All the ways you ‘shouldn’t’ ask her out

I Have A Feeling... That We Should Kiss. GIF - AdamDevin ...

So guys, listen up. There’s some ways that work when asking out a woman and some ways that just totally and utterly …. make us screen shot your attempt and send it to our friends. So I’ve complied a list of ways in which you should most definitely NOT ask someone out.

1. We can go if you want to – why doesn’t this work, well probably because you’re making it feel more like a chore and less like you want us to go somewhere with you.

2. We should go for dinner some time – VAGUE. so very vague, you obviously must think we sit around waiting for men to make plans with us. No, we’re busy people so if you want to go on a date with us, pick a date and stick to it!

3. You wanna do that ‘insert activity here’ you spoke about – how about you be more proactive? If we’ve mentioned we want to do something, surprise us and just book it/plan it and then tell us when to be there. Be ballsy! Especially if you can’t come up with your own ideas.

4. Let’s catch up – erm, on what? If we haven’t seen you for years, one coffee date isn’t going to fill you in on all the events of my life. So again, suggest an actual plan.

5. We could grab a drink if you want – LOW EFFORT! If you actually want to impress someone, put in some effort. If you think she’s worth it then do it. We won’t remember all these first date drinks we go on, but we will remember the ones where actual effort was made.

6. I’d love to take you out, followed by ‘well where do you want to go’ – nope. You’ve almost done it right with this one! You’ve said you’d love to see us, but then throwing the control back at us. If you’d love to take us out, you should know where you’d ‘love’ to take us.

7. We could do something this Saturday, oh wait no I’m busy – if we didn’t ask you out on Saturday, you don’t need to ask us and then subsequently announce you actually have other plans. No one asked. Tell us a day when you’re free or actually free one up for us.

8. I’ll let you know when I’ve chosen something – if you’re approaching us to ask us on a date you really should have already had a plan. This line makes us think we should carry on with plans with our friends, it doesn’t sound certain and we won’t sit around waiting for you to get your act together. Either get something set up properly or we’ll assume you’re going to bail.

9. We should go out – ok, firstly … said who? You’re not really asking me if I actually want to now, you’re just telling me, kind of like a caveman pointing at what he wants and thinking it will just happen. It probably won’t with this approach.

10. You wanna go on date then? – why do I feel like your mum who’s making you take her food shopping all of a sudden? I want you to want to go on a date with me …. I don’t want to feel like a chore. But thanks anyway.

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Roles in the bedroom – what we really want

Goodreads | Fear Me (Broken Love, #1) by B.B. Reid — Reviews ...

Two words, one question, dominant or submissive?

I bet when you read both you automatically placed a gender to each word right? We tend to subconsciously place men into the bracket of being dominant in bed and women as being submissive. But what if our prejudged ideas are wrong?

What if in reality more of us women want to choke our men in bed and watch them grit their teeth at the sheer pleasure of being controlled for once, rather than us seeming like the ‘weaker’ sex.

But more to the point, what if more men want that and just don’t own up to it?

Well, I had over fifty people take a sex survey for me to really delve into the minds of men and women and the role they prefer to take up in the bedroom.

After everyone had sent me their top three results from the quiz, I sat down to really analyse typically what roles both men and women were ending up with in their top three. It appears that while we all have a few ‘kinks‘ both sexes like to ‘switch it up‘ when it comes to the role they’re playing in bed.

When it came to the top three ‘roles‘ we like to take on in the bedroom, overall for men they were getting the results of ‘Dominant’, ‘Switch’ and ‘Vanilla’ while the most common top three for women were ‘Switch’ ‘Brat’ and ‘Submissive’

And for those of you who are curious as to what these bedroom personalities mean, I’ll put the descriptions at the bottom.

Unsurprisingly, Dominant was in the top three for most guys and submissive was in the top three for most women, what was quite surprising was how many guys had vanilla come up in their top three results, so I suppose despite guys saying how much they love doing weird and wonderful things in bed, it may not necessarily be as true after all.

But the overall vibe here was more that no one wants to have set roles, we want to be able to do whatever feels right in the moment, whether that’s laying there and taking everything that someones giving us (quite literally), or whether it’s pinning our sexual partner to the bed, or sofa, or any available surface (whatever takes your fancy), pulling their hair, grabbing their throat and taking control to get exactly what we want from them.

Switch: Switches like to… well, switch. Always taking a dominant or top position is not for them, neither is always taking a submissive or bottom position. Some prefer to switch with the same partner or partners, others have a dominant play partner and a submissive play partner, but in either case they do not fit on one end point of the spectrum.

The definition behind the top results

Dominant: Dominants like to be in charge. Some like to have their partner obey them without questioning, others like some resistance while taking it their way. Some are dominant only in the bedroom, others are dominant throughout their daily life as well (usually with limitations). Unlike the top roles (giving pain/bondage/degradation), being dominant is more about who decides what happens (and takes the responsibility that comes with it) than about the contents of what happens.

Submissive: Submissives like to follow. Some like to give the control away to their partner(s), some like to have it forcibly taken from them. Some are submissive only in the bedroom, others are submissive throughout their daily life as well (usually with limitations). Unlike the bottom roles (receiving pain/bondage/degradation), being submissive is more about who decides what happens (and takes the responsibility that comes with it) than about the contents of what happens.

Brat: Brats are, in essence, naughty submissives. They find disobedience a form of playfulness rather than letting their dominant down, and require a compatible dominant who will not only teach them a lesson, but also accept that any number of lessons might still not necessarily change this behavior.

Vanilla: Vanilla people enjoy regular, standard sex and relationship models. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re having fun!

If you want to take the test yourself you can find it here.

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Just one more

Animated gif about love in r u mine? by mami on We Heart It

Do you think you’d be able to give me one more kiss?

Because maybe I’d be able to find closure on your lips and then I’ll feel like I can go.

Maybe, we could also have one more breakfast, one more lunch and just one more dinner, because then I’d be full and happy and then we can part ways.

But maybe in between the meals we could lay in bed together one more time and create one more prolonged moment where times stands still and everyone and everything around us just falls away as I rest my head on your chest.

I guess my hope is that if we add up all the one mores, they’ll add up to make a lifetime and I’ll never have to get to the point where I let you go.

But that’s not real is it? There won’t be any one mores and there won’t be a version of us where everything is new and exciting and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. I mean they still are endless, for you and for me, but not for us.

Somewhere between here and there, and then and now, we just stopped working and we grew up. I guess that’s the thing with childhood love though, it seems perfect and unbreakable … until it isn’t.

So maybe I just want one more opportunity to accept that we’re done and that closure will never be found with you, but instead it will be found in the life I create without you. In all the new moments I have in my life where I don’t have thoughts of you and I and that’s where I’ll find my closure.

Because I don’t want to risk having my heart break all over again, just to have one more moment with you.

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Date Someone Who’s Sure Of You

gif couple movie Celebs radarplz x PS I love you permeate •

Date someone who pursues you endlessly and chooses to be with you every day.

Date someone who doesn’t take romance lightly and finds ways to brighten up your day, who takes the initiative to plan and take you out on dates. Date someone who treats you with utmost sincerity and respect, who showers you with sweet surprises and gestures to show you that you’re on their mind and I don’t mean an endless amount of expensive gifts, I mean small things that have made you think of them, it could be your favourite chocolate.

Date someone who has clear relationship goals and is honest with you from the very beginning, someone who’s transparent about their intentions and doesn’t string you along, someone who makes it blatantly clear that you’re the only one for them, who never plays mind games and gives you mixed signals. Date someone who isn’t afraid of commitment and wants to love you wholeheartedly, who wants grow into a relationship with you that will last the duration of your lifetimes.

Date someone whom you’re not afraid to show your vulnerability and flaws to, someone who accepts and loves you for who you are and never judges you, who appreciates your strength and is there to celebrate every accomplishment with you. Date someone who is there for you through every obstacle and quietly supports you in all that you do, even when you aren’t sure what direction you’re heading in.

Date someone who you connect with body and soul, you don’t just want physical attraction you want a mental connection too, because looks fade but your personality always be there. Date someone who you can see being your best friend, your partner in crime, and your biggest fan, someone who shares common values and vision of the future with you, who gets just as excited as you do when you talk about buying dogs and having children. Date someone who you’re excited to fall deeper in love with each day.

Date someone who makes the small moments count, because really, they’re everything, life is full of smaller moments that we have the opportunity to turn into big memorable ones. Date someone who loves unrestrainedly and gives you the best they have without you feeling like you own them anything.

Date someone who opens your heart and makes you believe in love even at the lowest point of your life, who makes your feelings feel validated and uses their actions to prove that they’re in it for the long haul. You should be with someone will trust you wholeheartedly without making you feel like you have to work for it.

Date someone who continues to stay by your side and reassures you that you have nothing to fear, even when you retreat into your shell because you’re terrified of getting hurt. Find someone who pulls you closer and loves you harder when life becomes stormy and dark and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because your mind is feeling messy and confused.

Date someone who never once makes you feel like a burden or that you’re difficult to be with, someone who never gets impatient and suggests that you’re acting crazy, someone who doesn’t blow hot and cold and triggers your insecurity further. You want someone who is as happy to be with you as you are to be with them.

Date someone who loves you the way you deserve and wants to spend the rest of their lives continuing to do so.

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When and how to have ‘the chat’

So here you are, suddenly enraged by the thought of the person you’ve been dating (for however long) seeing someone else … so how are you going to approach the ‘I don’t want you to see anyone else’ chat before someone’s feelings get hurt?

I’ll always stick to the opinion of communication being the make or break factor in a relationship, but yet when it comes to brining up conversation topics that have the potential to hurt us, we try and avoid them at all costs.

If you’re the one bringing up the conversation, and you ask the person you’re seeing if they’re still dating/sleeping with other people. Do you think you have the right to be hurt by the the answer (if it’s a yes) if you haven’t had ‘the chat’ with them before this point?

Difficult one to answer right?

Like surely you can’t just assume that there is some unspoken agreement between you guys when you’re in an early stage of your relationship?

So maybe do it slightly differently, maybe instead of asking them if they’re currently entangled (dating or shagging) with anyone else, you should simply state what you want, whether that’s to stay casual or get serious.

You want to be exclusive? Ok cool tell them … of course they could say they’re not on the same page, but is it not better to know that rather than going along with someone assuming they’re all in with you when actually they’re only all in with you when you’re in front of them?

What happens if your friends come across their online dating profiles and you guys haven’t had ‘the chat’ yet, do you really think you can be annoyed that they still have them if you haven’t been upfront with what you find acceptable or unacceptable?

So ‘when’ should the chat happen?

Well this isn’t a single answer question. Maybe don’t proposition them after your first date, but if you guys have spent two consecutive weeks together after date one, maybe having a ‘what are we’ conversation is ok to happen earlier on.

Basically, I can’t give an opinion on this because every relationship is different and not one has a single set of rules.

But if you’re really stuck on ways to approach the subject and you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, here’s some ways you could initiate the conversation.

1. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of exclusivity.

2. I’m a bit nervous in bringing this up, but I wanted to ask if you’re still seeing other people, I just want to make sure I know where I stand.

3. I want to make sure that we’re clear with what’s happening here, because I’m not seeing anyone else and I want to make sure you’re ok the same page as me to avoid any issues in the near future.

4. Hey I wanted to ask, because my friend came across you on a dating app, are you still seeing other people? I want to make sure we’re being as honest as we can be about what we want.

5. I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else, but I wanted to find out where your head was at and if you’re in the same position.

Good luck!

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I hope she’s done

I hope she’s done going above and beyond and getting left behind.

I hope she’s done finding men who are secretly broken and need her to fix them who then drain her of her energy and walk away with her heart.

I hope she’s done getting broken promises from men who claim to be honest and loyal but walk away as anything but.

I hope she’s done getting told ‘I’m your soulmate, you’re beautiful, and that you’re so important to me’, and then being left broken and crying watching the guy she was in love with carry on with someone else.

I hope she’s done feeling broken just because you couldn’t keep to your word and be there for her like she was there for you.

I hope she’s done trying to overanalyse why she wasn’t enough for you.

I hope she’s done feeling betrayed and broken when she gave so much of herself to someone who didn’t deserve it.

I hope she’s done allowing herself to be your shoulder to lean on only for you to walk away and not be there for her.

I hope she’s done trying to make excuses for you while you were so unbelievably inconsiderate and uncompassionate.

I hope she’s done trying to be loyal and loving to you when you took her trust and dismantled it.

Everyone has the right to choose who they want to spend their time with and invest in. This isn’t an Alanis Morisette song and she’s not some fatal attraction psycho. She showed respect and when she walked away, she spent months working on herself and crying alone, only to come out stronger, but she wouldn’t spend a second trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt because it fucking did.

She loved you, she was deeply attracted to you in every way, and she thought of you as her best friend. You were her first thought in the morning and her last thought at night. She thought of ways to look great for you and she loved your hands all over her. She was a fierce protector of your dreams and was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. She found you to be intelligent, rugged, sexy, kind and handsome. She raved about you to all of her friends. She invested in you, and would have walked across glass to be with you.

But here’s the thing, at the end of the day, she’s human, she’s sad, she’s hurt, and she’s angry, but she had also been your biggest supporter from afar, and I hope one day you will see that. But she deserves better.

I hope she’s done.