If It Was Shit



If it was shit, you wouldn’t find yourself thinking about it when you’re alone. Replaying scenes in your head and constantly going over how he felt.

You wouldn’t wake up in the morning knowing you’ve dreamt about it and then spend the rest of the day obsessively going over and over it in your mind.

You wouldn’t get turned on at just the memory of it if it was shit.

But here you are, laying in bed, thinking about his hands on your skin and you can feel your breathing getting shallower and your heartbeat getting faster as you remember how good his touch feels.

If it was shit, like you partly hoped it would be, you wouldn’t already be thinking about the next time he’ll be between your legs, running his hands over your body and telling you all the things you want to hear.

If it was shit, like it is with most of the others, you wouldn’t even think twice about doing it again … and again and again. You wouldn’t be replaying in your mind every position he had you in or how good he felt and now you’re laying here already dying to feel him again.

It’s hard isn’t it, because if it had been shit, the thought of him on top of you while you buried your face into his shoulder wouldn’t drive you to a point of almost being late for work. Distracted to a point of no easy return.

You wouldn’t find your hands wandering down in between your legs as the memories flood your brain, because if it had been shit, you wouldn’t get turned on thinking about the groans he let out when you reminded him how good you are with your mouth, or the sensation that overwhelmed your body as he trailed kisses across your skin.

Laying in bed, reminiscing over his hands being around your neck and listening to him tell you how good you feel, has provided you with what seems like a never ending array of visual memories to get yourself off to and it makes you realise …..

If it had been shit, it would be easy not to want it again. But it wasn’t shit, in fact it was the total opposite. So you just wait, for the “come to mine” message because you love doing what he asks (in part).

And that’s almost annoying.


Will Chemistry Fade?

Most of us, if we’ve been lucky enough, have had that one person in our lives …. the person that makes us feel like our skins on fire when they touch us (in a good way, not in a … I’m going to hell kind of way)

It’s that instant spark they ignite in us even when we wish they wouldn’t. But is that kind of chemistry something that can disappear?

Sexual chemistry isn’t something that’s just in our heads though, it’s backed up by science too! The scientific reasons behind being almost physically obsessed by someone aren’t as weird as you may think … Pheromones are one of the top factors behind sexual chemistry (ok, maybe it’s a bit weird). So potentially our sexual desires are being led by our noses?

In a way yes, but fortunately this is something our body judges on autopilot …. if we think someone smells good, then we most likely have sexual chemistry with them that’s beyond our control.

And this has really bought to my attention some memories that have stuck in my mind from when I was with the person that I had the most addictive chemistry with, that kind of confirms the idea of pheromones.

I remember when I used to wake up in the mornings next to him, I’d roll over and breath in the smell of his neck and kiss him gently. I guess science backs this up, but I always thought he smelt amazing, I’d want to keep my face buried in his neck all day and I always made sure I told him how incredible I thought he smelt.

I remember kissing him being addictive (something not backed up by science). Almost toxic, like poison seeping into my veins and I was willingly letting it. His touch would feel like it was searing into my skin. I know it’s deadly but I’d risk it anyway and I’d take that risk any time it was offered to me. Because even now I think it would be too hard to ignore.

I can’t help but wonder if that type of chemistry with someone will ever fade. Even if you haven’t seen that person for a few hours or a few years, maybe they’ll still have the ability to stir something up inside you that will make you want to rip their clothes off.

I’ve always thought having undeniable chemistry with someone has the potential to be quite a turbulent situation and that’s speaking from experience. Being so consumed by the chemistry you have with another person, definitely has the ability to cloud your judgement in any situation you find yourself in with them.

But if I saw him tomorrow, walking down the street. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way than as obsessed as I was all those years ago. Having someone ignite that kind of response in you is rare and you try and hold on to it so tight that most of the time that spark you have, just ends up burning you.

You find yourself so taken by them you want to spend every second you possibly can with them and only them. You don’t want to share them with anyone else around you. That’s when this becomes a problem …..

But what if you don’t care? Or what if you don’t care enough to pay attention?


Place Holders And Time Wasters 

Why do we do it? Hold out for the person that’s bad for us? We wait for the day they turn around and tell us they made a mistake and secretly we’re what they’ve always wanted. Why do we feed ourselves that kind of rubbish?

But that leaves me thinking ….

Maybe they’re all just place holders, these guys, the ones that have been so charming and so egar to get my heart? Maybe, just maybe if I’m honest with myself I can accept that and accept that fact that my heart will always partially belong to you, even when I’ve hated you and even when you’ve treated me like nothing, but that’s just how it is isn’t it? The ones who break us tend to keep parts of us.

Why is that? Why can’t I fall for the guy I’m seeing, why can’t I let him love me. But what if I don’t want to, what if I don’t see the point because I know all I’m doing is wasting his time by letting him temporarily fill your space.

Fuck …. This sucks. I don’t get the same feelings from them that I did with you, it doesn’t feel like my skin sets alight when they touch me like how it did with you. I wish I could feel even half of what I did with you with someone else, that addictive sexual chemistry.

That’s probably why I haven’t slept with any of them …. I don’t even want to. Or maybe it’s because I don’t want you to think you can’t have me back as damaged goods? Maybe you won’t want me if someone else has had me? No it’s not that. It’s because I’m waiting for the chemistry that I had with you.

I’m wondering if you’ve found someone who craves you like I did … who wants you all the time like I did. You could give me one look across a table and know that id want to rip your clothes off right then and there, I don’t think there’s a lot of girls who would be like that years into a relationship.

A part of me will always be with you and it sucks to admit that but maybe that’s what you wanted when you broke me?


That Goddamn Spark!

Image result for spark

The spark, it’s addictive as f**k!

How to describe the spark: there are about 30 people in a room and then the person who you have a ‘spark’ with walks in …. suddenly everyone disappears, you can both feel the ‘spark’ but neither of you will admit it, you’ll both be having a normal conversation but at the same time be fumbling around your own words aware of this weird feel between you both, even if you’re in a group of people talking about the most mundane thing in the world!

Maybe you feel like if the two of you touch you’ll burst into flames, because the ‘spark’ can very easily ignite into a flame and once you’ve been burned there will be no going back! That bloody spark is the most addictive thing in the world and when you find that you have it with someone, you’ll never want to let it go.

I never thought i’d feel a spark with anyone else, after the last one I felt basically burnt me into the ground! But yet I can guarantee now that if I was in the same room as my ‘old flame’ that stupid spark would still be there with him too, not out of choice either because I couldn’t hate anyone more than I hate him, but it seems you can’t get rid of chemistry (sadly)

I think I would rather have a slow burn with someone that a spark, a spark that creates magnetic energy that neither of you can really hide from, it makes your skin feel alive when they accidentally touch you, you can quite literally feel the goosebumps appearing and the tiny hairs on the back of your neck stand on end …. and if no ones touch has ever done that to you before then I feel sorry for you because its the most intoxicating feeling imaginable.

Chemistry is a strange thing, because even when you don’t want it .. it’s there raising it’s ugly head in the name of sheer undeniable longing to have someone’s skin on yours and I don’t just mean in a sexual way, I mean in any way possible even just having their hand touch your arm.

It’s crazy, or should I say it makes you crazy, when your body is not playing ball with your mind you want to be able to play things cool and remain level headed but when that spark happens … there is no chance of playing things cool. Looking at someone and knowing they want what you do but neither of you will admit it, well it’s tricky knowing that inevitably the spark is going to cause some lasting damage that you’ll be able to feel for a very long time.

So to summarise … the goddamn spark is addictive as f**k but you can’t really do anything about it, because chemistry is something that no one is in control of!


You’ll Either Be Forever Or Never 


What if we’re scared to start because it might never end? Timing is everything and it is also the one thing that we don’t have on our side right now.

Our hearts can make us do the craziest of things, but here I am … already crazy for you, but this isn’t something I can sit and endure by myself forever.

Falling for your, is something truly terrifying and I’m sat here only just about to admit it to myself. I’m trying to disengage from my head because it’s telling me to do things that my heart won’t agree with. It’s like I’m being pulled by strings that you’re in control of … But you have no idea.

It’s funny how everyone around you sees things before you pick up on them for yourself, do you know how many people have told me that you’re in love with me? I’ve lost count myself.

Is it wrong that all I want is to feel your lips on my neck again, I can’t help but think of it when I’m with you, I want to be close to you but we both know it isn’t a good idea.

I won’t sit here and wait for you to make your mind up. I’m going to carry on as normal, like we have done all this time, taking about pointless things and pretending not to have chemistry, as you lay on my sofa with me or while we’re watching films together … While you tell me I’m your type of girl and that I have a perfect body and that I deserve more than what anyone else has ever given to me before … But I want you to be the person who gives me everything.

Hurry up … Before our opportunity slips away again and before another three years slips away.