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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.

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Next Year

Next year I’m not going to chase anyone.

I’m not going to let arse holes walk in and out of my life as and when they please. If you want me stay, if you don’t then leave. Don’t ghost for a month or so and then pop back up on my phone like nothing happened, I’m not down for that kind of attitude thanks.

I’m not going to stand for anyone giving me half assed efforts, either give me all of you or just sod off. I won’t be standing for time wasters, or people who aren’t sure what they want. Don’t be a cop out. Be sure about wanting me and if you are sure, then tell me there’s nothing sexier than confidence. I know far too many people who have told me too late how they feel, don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day. If you have something to say, then say it.

In all honesty, deep down everyone does really know who they want and who they don’t. They just get scared to tell the truth. But if you can’t be honest with me then I don’t want to know, honesty is what builds the solid foundations of a relationship, something which I didn’t learn from my last experience of being with someone.

Next year I won’t be going on second dates with people I don’t instantly feel a spark with, I won’t wait around to see if it’s something that could build into being beautiful or not, I won’t be wasting my own time like that again like I’ve done this year.

Next year, I’m going to try not to put the nice guys as second best, the ones that treat me with respect. I will not go back to dating fuck boys.

Next year will be different, next year will be a me year. When I get back into my fitness regime and looking after myself better, I’ll replace Wednesday night dates with Wednesday night PT sessions and late night last minute plans to early nights and more time spent at home chilling out.

I can’t wait for next year year.

*insert ironic standard new year new me quote here, not really … I’m not that person*

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Please Stop Falling In Love With Me 


I don’t need you to tell me you love me, everyone else does it for you. But I can confidently say that you will have never had anyone telling you that I’m in love with you.

You’re sat in front of me, you’re not saying anything, just looking at me .. Until eventually you roll your eyes and sigh the words .. ‘You’ I can sit here and pretend I don’t know what you mean, but I do … Because I’ve had this same reaction from guys before, but I know exactly what is means when you say it. It means that you’ve tried to stop yourself having feelings for me, you’ve tried for years. But here we are, four years later and back in the same situation. You’re in love with me but you’re with her and my feelings are still non existent.

But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in love with you, I’m looking for the same stomach knotting feeling I used to get when ‘he’ kissed me, touched me or even looked at me. I miss being obsessed with someone and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel consumed by my body’s reactions to you like how I felt with him … I want magnetic and that’s not what I have with you.

I miss feeling goosebumps appear on my skin as he touches me, that doesn’t happen with you. You aren’t like a drug to my body, because I still feel in control of my actions. I never felt like that around him.

I know you’re as taken by me as he was, but I can’t reciprocate that to you … So this is me acknowledgeding to myself that I need to block you out for a while, because I don’t want you to keep falling for me when I have my feet firmly in place on the ground.

I want something uncontrollable and magnetic … Like I had with him. But that will never be me and you.

Is Stubbornness My Defence Mechanism?

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I can openly admit to being a stubborn person. I feel the need to protect my opinions and my thoughts at all costs and not only this, when I am wrong admitting it seems to actually hurt my soul.
But be warned, being stubborn can ruin chances for you and it can also ruin relationships.

Try as I might to be open-minded and reasonable, I find it hard to take criticism. On an intellectual level, I understand there is no animosity from the individual who gives me constructive feedback, but I can’t help but experience an emotional reaction to it anyway, this brings me to the conclusion of my stubbornness just hiding my defensiveness.

Stubborn people are driven by a resistance to being forced into doing or experiencing anything against their will. I don’t want to go through the emotions I feel when I’m being criticised , so I make an excuse, and tell myself that I can’t be wrong and don’t need to change.

But I’ve figured something out …. the best way to reduce defensiveness in the long term is through creating a sense of self-worth. The more you value yourself, the less you will feel an instinctual “need” to protect your ego and I know I can say for sure that I always feel a need to protect myself.

But I’m trying to remember everyone makes mistakes, and everyone is wrong sometimes and when I find myself in situations where I am being stubborn or defensive unnecessarily then I need to remind myself it is ok to be wrong.

Listening to others side of the story of other opinions is very important. And listening is something I will find hard especially when I know it is going to lead to criticism.

Stubbornness and defensiveness are some of the worst, personality traits to have, yet they seem to be incredibly common. In fact, everyone experiences at least occasional instances of each (some people more than others) and I can openly admit to being one of these people.

But it’s something that can be worked on and I personally will be focusing on trying to better myself by reducing my shut down method of dealing with criticism.