Chat

THAT feeling

Do you know that feeling, the one where someone else suddenly tears your life apart, destroys your self-worth and although you don’t know it yet, they’ll also be responsible for keeping you up at night for the next good few years wondering why you just weren’t enough (yay bedtime anxiety).

It’s a feeling you get in your chest, like you can actually feel your heart breaking but worse, it feels like there’s suddenly so much pressure on your lungs that you can’t breathe, everything you thought you knew and trusted is gone, just like that. The air feels like its been taken from your body by the same person who told you they’d die for you and yet ironically here you are feeling like your dying AND IT’S BECAUSE OF THEM.

That’s not love. And now here you are, convincing yourself that you’re the reason it all went wrong. It’s your fault they chose to give someone else the same affection they we’re giving you. You pushed them into the arms of someone else, someone who isn’t even better than you.

Maybe amongst all of this, that’s the part that is hurting the most, the fact you know you’re better than the person they risked losing you for.

Oh, did you know that scientists have proven that heart break can invoke physical pain? Yeah so next time, before you do something shitty to the person who’s fallen in love with you, just remember that not only are you mentally scarring them, but you’re actually causing them physical pain by shattering their heart with your selfish immature behaviour.

You know what sucks even more; you’ll never forget a feeling like this. Once someone has crushed you in the worst way possible, you’ll never really forget that, yet somehow, you’ll eventually find it in yourself to fall in love again. Scary right, how being human means, we have so much emotional vulnerability, heartbreak I guess mimics getting a tattoo or having a baby, at the time it hurts like hell but you’d do it all over again just as soon as you’re ready, as if your brain kind of forces you to forget quite how bad it was because the intoxicating feeling of falling in love is worth risking getting your heart broken for.

I know what the worst part of all of this is, it’s the fact they’ve walked away from this unscathed, unbothered and with the whole thing not really causing any knock of effect to their own future. They’ll carry on as if nothing ever happened, while you’re here in pieces trying desperately to find something to hold together mixed bag of broken fragments that make up your trust, self-worth and heart.

The next time they do this maybe they’ll use a different excuse for their behaviour, maybe the next person won’t have to hear them say ‘in my head we broke up a long time ago’ or maybe, they’ll be as narcissistic as ever and blame anything but themselves for their own shitty behaviour.

Just know that you’ll heal, it will take time and you’ll have to be selfish if you want to try and forget that feeling of having your heart broken.

But you’ll get there, because a good heart will always heal.

Chat

Try Not To Need Them

 

 

giphy.gif

Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

Chat

It’s not your job to fix her

tenor-2.gif

when she tells you that she’s broken, it isn’t her inviting you to try and fix her.

it’s more of a warning signal, she wants you to know that while you date she may do some out of character, stupid shit. But it’s because she doesn’t trust people in the way most others do, she approaches everyone with caution, she tests people and she will provoke you to hurt her, but you shouldn’t. Even when she tries to push you away, you should try your hardest not to leave.

When the last one shattered her heart in the cruelest way you could think of, she became an altered version of herself. She didn’t feel whole anymore. She took some time to herself to make sure she felt like she could be a whole person again, by herself.

And now you’re here … she want’s you to stay but can’t figure out how to tell you without making herself vulnerable (the one thing she fears above everything else) so instead, she tells you she’s broken. She want’s you to understand that in this new form she cant express how much she loves someone in the way you expect her to. She shows love in the form of jealousy and while that may annoy you, it’s the only way she knows how.

When she tests you and tells you that she doesn’t care that you flirt with other girls … she does. But she constantly goes after proof that you won’t.

For her to believe that you won’t do what the others have done, you’ll have to tread carefully. And above everything else, you shouldn’t try and fix how she’s become, because this is her new normal.

All she knows are lies and belittling comments, so she waits for something negative to spill from your mouth after you compliment her. She’ll be scared to tell you she disagrees with you because she doesn’t want you to be angry and hold it against her until you find a way of getting her back.

Even though you may want to try, it’s not your job to try and fix her. She doesn’t want to be fixed, she just wants someone to accept the version of herself she currently is.