break up

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I hope she’s done

I hope she’s done going above and beyond and getting left behind.

I hope she’s done finding men who are secretly broken and need her to fix them who then drain her of her energy and walk away with her heart.

I hope she’s done getting broken promises from men who claim to be honest and loyal but walk away as anything but.

I hope she’s done getting told ‘I’m your soulmate, you’re beautiful, and that you’re so important to me’, and then being left broken and crying watching the guy she was in love with carry on with someone else.

I hope she’s done feeling broken just because you couldn’t keep to your word and be there for her like she was there for you.

I hope she’s done trying to overanalyse why she wasn’t enough for you.

I hope she’s done feeling betrayed and broken when she gave so much of herself to someone who didn’t deserve it.

I hope she’s done allowing herself to be your shoulder to lean on only for you to walk away and not be there for her.

I hope she’s done trying to make excuses for you while you were so unbelievably inconsiderate and uncompassionate.

I hope she’s done trying to be loyal and loving to you when you took her trust and dismantled it.

Everyone has the right to choose who they want to spend their time with and invest in. This isn’t an Alanis Morisette song and she’s not some fatal attraction psycho. She showed respect and when she walked away, she spent months working on herself and crying alone, only to come out stronger, but she wouldn’t spend a second trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt because it fucking did.

She loved you, she was deeply attracted to you in every way, and she thought of you as her best friend. You were her first thought in the morning and her last thought at night. She thought of ways to look great for you and she loved your hands all over her. She was a fierce protector of your dreams and was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. She found you to be intelligent, rugged, sexy, kind and handsome. She raved about you to all of her friends. She invested in you, and would have walked across glass to be with you.

But here’s the thing, at the end of the day, she’s human, she’s sad, she’s hurt, and she’s angry, but she had also been your biggest supporter from afar, and I hope one day you will see that. But she deserves better.

I hope she’s done.

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Break Up Levels

When a break up happens, inevitably one person is going to be the one that gets dumped and the other one is going to be the heartbreaker.

But when this happens, the two people involved will be starting at two opposite ends of the break up scale, and here’s how it works.

Level 1 vs level 10

While a break up may heart wrenching and make your stomach hurt, take some solace in knowing that if you’re the one who’s been dumped, you’ve started at level 10 (which is the worst by the way) … this is the top end of the break up scale, where you can’t sleep or eat, you don’t know what you’ll do without them in your life and you feel as though the world as you know it is falling out from under your feet.

The person who’s broken up with you however, they’ve started at level 1 … they feel pretty relieved, in their head they had probably already ended things with you a few weeks before they actually had the guts to do it in real life. So right now, they’re just happy its all over and done with and they can carry on their life without you, the one they think they want, but realistically there’s no progress for them to make in this situation, there’s nothing they have to deal with because it wasn’t a shock for them, they knew what they were going to do. So starting at level 1, maybe not as great as we think it may be!

Level 3 vs level 8

Now lets fast forward a few months, your level 10 has now dropped to a level 8. You still miss them like crazy, but after lots of free therapy sessions with your friends, you’re starting to feel a lot better than how you were when you initially got the news, you can see that you can still have a life without them and it won’t be as awful as you think.

Our level 1 people, well they’re now at level 3. They’re still doing all the things they wanted to do, going out and being selfish with their own time and they’re enjoying it. But every now and then, something will happen in their every day life and they wish they could tell you about it, but of course …. that privilege is gone for them now. They don’t have the person there who used to take a keen interest in their work, or smile at the dog pictures they used to send, but it’s fine and they’re not too bothered by it, they know they’ll find someone else to do all that stuff with soon anyway so it’s not a big deal.

And here’s where it starts to get interesting, because ever so slowly, the two of you are coming towards being at the same level of getting over your break up but you’ve come from different ends of the scale, as the one who started out heartbroken and devastated is now healing and moving forward …. the one who done the heartbreaking is now starting to realise what they’ve given up on.

Meeting in the middle at level 5

At around the five months later mark, our level 8 people have probably now dropped to level 5. You’re making future plans and when you’ve been making them you haven’t even considered your previous SO in the picture, you haven’t been doing a ‘well what if‘ kind of plan that might involve them, nope. You’re focusing on you and you’re thriving as if a glow was going out of fashion.

At the same time, our people who were at level 3, are also now at level 5 too. They’ve been on a few dates and each one without even wanting to, they’ve been comparing them to you. They’re keeping active tabs on the person they thought they were ‘so done‘ with. They want to know what’s happing in your life, they can see that you’re doing good and you look happy, they’ve heard about all your exciting plans and they’re gutted they don’t have a more active role. They miss you …. but now they don’t know if they want to try and make a come back.

You see how although you’re both at the same level, because you’ve got there via two very different routes, it just isn’t the same situation for both of you!

Level 5 is the pin point, because if the person who broke your heart does decide to reach out, PLEASE make sure they don’t push you all the way back to level 10 again …. because if you hit level 10, it means they’ll go back to level 1, they know you’re still there and that satisfies their ego …. unless of course they really are sorry, but if they are, then they need to work HARD to get you back!

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Try Not To Need Them

 

 

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Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

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He Just Doesn’t Want A Relationship … With You

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I hate to say this but … when someone says they don’t want to be in a relationship, what they mean is that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. We tell people this white lie because it’s easier than saying “I like you enough to hang out and have sex, but not enough to emotionally invest in you.” We think to tell someone the raw truth would be cruel, even though the lie, in a lot of ways, is much more cruel and trust me I know because I’ve heard it!

The truth is, when we meet someone we are crazy about, we will try to make it work regardless of what is going on in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you meet during a one night stand, or date for several months before having sex – if two people click and want each other, it will happen. Besides, who wants to be with someone who is wishy-washy over you to begin with? I’m not saying you have to be head over heels immediately, but if someone isn’t passionate about you, they aren’t going to wake up one day suddenly burning for you. It also works in the opposite way, if your relationship has just broken down and you are desperately trying to hold on to that person who is ‘not in the right place to be in a relationship’ run …. seriously just run, because in reality they know exactly what they are doing, they want you enough to keep you around while they don’t have anyone else, but once the new shiny toy arrives you’ll be out the door!

If you want respect and emotional commitment from the person you are seeing, ask for it. If they don’t give it to you, leave. It’s not possible to “ruin” a relationship by having “the talk.” If someone is freaked out just talking about commitment, what makes you think they will be good at practicing it? Anyone worth their salt will want you even more; because nothing is sexier than a person who knows what they want and isn’t afraid to ask for it, and willing to walk away when they don’t get it.

The problem is that more often than not, we only hear what we want to, filtering out anything that doesn’t fit.

There is a saying that goes: when somebody tells you who they are, believe them. When I look back on all of the “almost” relationships I’ve had, the other person was clear (whether it was directly in their words or in their actions) about what they wanted. But I didn’t listen, because I wanted more and I wanted them to want more. We all want to believe we are irresistible, and it is hard to accept that someone might spend time with us, be intimate with us, and not fall madly in love with us.

When you like someone and they do not like you back with the same intensity, we view it as a personal failure, which we shouldn’t. The majority of your romantic entanglements will not work out. It’s possible to really be into someone, sometimes even love someone, and not be able to have a relationship because of compatibility issues. That’s what makes being in a relationship special to begin with; finding someone who you not only desire deeply but is compatible with you.

Why someone rejected being in a relationship with you doesn’t matter, because there is someone out there who will fall for you based on the exact same quality someone else rejected you for.

I know all of this is easier said than done. That sometimes it’s easier to be with someone even if it’s not in the way we want because it feels better than being alone. But remember that every moment you spend trying to chase a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one with you is time that could be spent meeting someone who does. That by not asking for what you want, you are just prolonging something that isn’t going to work out anyway. That the damage settling for less does to your self-esteem is far greater than heartbreak of rejection. When a someone says they don’t want to be in a relationship, they mean a relationship with you, and that’s okay.