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When the unexpected punches you in the face

I bet you didn’t even realise that you’d feel like this, after having something taken away from you that you didn’t even know you wanted, or at least you didn’t know you wanted it right now.

Darling girl, it’s ok to admit how much it’s hurt you to have to get through this by yourself, not having anyone to hold you while you’re curled up in pain, which constantly wakes you up throughout the night. It’s ok to admit that it would have been easier to do it with him than without him, that doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human.

I know you’ve spent days sitting there wondering what you did wrong, how you could have avoided creating the total and utter mess of a situation you’ve now found yourself in. If you’d have known, what would you have done differently, would you have looked at yourself in the mirror in a different way each morning? Would you have moved slower, eaten better, or even started meditation?

But hey, guess what? You didn’t know. And although you’ve already heard this from anyone around you that you’ve told, it really wasn’t your fault. This was just life’s way of saying ‘not right now’ and that may hurt, you may want to kick or scream or punch anything you can. But it doesn’t change what has happened.

Sometimes, life takes a choice away from you before you even knew that it was a possibility and maybe that’s because it knew you weren’t ready to make that choice yet.

Not all beautiful things are supposed to unfold how you imagine they will and it’s just because they’ve appeared at the wrong time.

Imagine it like this: a flower has accidentally decided to try and bloom in winter, instead of the harsh weather letting it come out and struggle through a phase it just wasn’t meant to see, the cold will kill it off before it even has a chance to suffer. That beautiful flower has been saved a load of unnecessary pain, Mother Nature just had to hold it back and say ‘now is not the time, one day not far from now you’ll blossom into something beautiful, but now just isn’t the time. The world isn’t ready for you yet’.

It’s okay to cry for the loss of something you didn’t even know you wanted, it’s okay to be hurt at the fact a decision was made out of your own hands, grieving for something you didn’t even know …. is understandable.

I know you feel like your body is fighting against you, the one thing you thought you had control over during a time of uncertainty now also feels like it’s betrayed you and let you down, and the worst part is, this crazy surge of emotions being fired up in your brain, is fighting for something that isn’t even there, making you question your own judgements and I know the confusion just makes you want to cry even more.

It’s ok to miss the idea of something you never even really had. It’s ok to hold on to a ‘what if’ even if it’s just for a while. You haven’t been given a set time to get over how something could have been if it had been left in your control.

So maybe this was life’s way of saying ‘not yet’ but this can also be your way of saying, ‘I’m happy to welcome unexpected events’ because life is crazy and beautiful and we make it what we want.

So when life throws yet another unexpected punch at you, just thrive in the fact that each day after is a day of healing. Things will get better and eventually you’ll be in the time when these things are supposed to happen for you.

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I Know You’re Struggling So Here’s My Crappy Advice

Grief

1.The people that can handle the ugliest parts of life are the people that deserve to share your victories. Those people that can see you at your absolute worst and still say, “I’m here,” are the people that deserve to make up your inner circle. There are a lot of people that will want to use your momentum when you’re winning, but those people will ultimately quit when you aren’t.

2. Whatever you call your personal beliefs, should bring peace and comfort in difficult times, not add to it. If it doesn’t reassure you when everything is going wrong, it needs to be reevaluated.

3. Answers aren’t always necessary, sometimes we just need to verbalize thoughts to help show how untrue they really are. Many times our own heads are our worst enemy, specifically in difficult times. It’s easy to blow things out of proportion in our minds and we don’t always realize that’s what’s happening until we hear it out loud.

4. Terrible things are part of life, but without them we can never truly understand the beautiful parts of life. We can’t appreciate light without darkness, heat without cold, love without lack thereof. It is never easy to experience difficult times, but it brings into sharp perspective the incredible things in our lives.

5. One of the most authentic signs of a mature and wise person is that they know and understand what they are truly capable of. Someone once said to me that a person’s greatest strength is in knowing their greatest weakness and that kind of self-awareness speaks volumes.

6. Everyone is broken; the strongest people are the ones who can admit that and know it doesn’t mean they are worth any less. Brokenness is part of the human condition. We have all been dealt blows and wounds, but the best of us understand that and know that neither our self- worth nor our value is tied to that brokenness.

7. Surround yourself with people who are authentic rather than people who pretend to have it all together. It takes nothing to put on a façade of perfection; any person can say the right things or posture to an audience. Real growth and healing comes from people that can empathize with you, but also push you out of your comfort zone.

8. For every low there is a high, but that doesn’t make the low feel any less infinite. On some level we all know that pain and hurt is temporary. However that doesn’t change the feeling, in the moment, that this is just how life is now and it is ok to feel that way for a time.

9. Tragedy has a way of revealing our true character. How we respond to pain and tragedy is one of the most honest reflections on ourselves we will ever see. Be aware in those moments, but also be gracious with yourself

Heartache and grief have a way of burning away anything that isn’t essential.

Maybe someone you love dearly has died or your boyfriend — who you thought was the one — just dumped you. Everything changes when you’re in this sort of pain that makes it hard to breathe. You don’t have the energy to hang out with friends you feel lukewarm about or go to a job that’s sucking your soul. Instead, you see clearly for a moment what is absolutely essential in your life. Your best friend shows up to hold your hand. Your cat snuggles you. Your brother helps pay your rent. You realize what matters.

When you have a great deal of experience with pain, you are more equipped when it inevitably occurs again. Buddhists consider people who look pain squarely in the face to be warriors. They see the process of facing pain while still remaining soft, as useful, because when the world throws another curveball your way, you’re less likely to totally lose your shit again. Instead, you have some more ground under your feet to stand on.

Allowing pain to soften you means you bring more joy to the world. Ultimately, there are two ways to deal with pain: let it harden you or let it soften you. If you let it harden you, there will be grave consequences to your well-being.

Plus, you will be uniquely useful to friends in the future who experience pain. You experience a devastating breakup that tosses you into a deep depression for months. You know what it’s like to be unshowered, living in pajamas, and not wanting to see the light of day. Once you’ve healed from your loss, you now have this experience under your belt.

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A Girls Quarter Life Crisis Thoughts

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Why is everyone travelling apart from me? Maybe I shouldn’t have been career driven, maybe I should quit tomorrow and book a random flight? I could go to a jungle and live with the locals for a few months, gain some real life experience? No … That’s ridiculous how will I pay to get my nails done and have my hair colored, how could I live in a jungle with all the bugs? Maybe I’ll just stick to hotels, so that means I’ll need even more money if I don’t want to backpack … I better start looking for a better paid job right now! … Speaking of which, I could have sworn that I was guaranteed an entry level salary of n excess of £20,000??? What happened to that? I did not sign up for this whole no paid experience malarkey after getting myself into a study debt, I was promised the job of my dreams! Why is it still so hard??

I want to buy a dog, it will show how mature and in control of my life I am, but wait .. when I finally book a random flight to the middle of no where just like everyone else what will happen to the dog? I’m sure I can go back to rely on parents in a situation like this right? Speaking of which, I am two months into my monthly salary and it’s already all gone, I wonder if they will give me money for a couple of weeks? I just want my independence so bad!!

Why are all my friends living with their boyfriends, oh god … some of them even with their husbands! When did people start getting married and having babies this young?!! I couldn’t handle a child .. last week I killed a cactus! Right … I need to get on to Tinder this instant and find Mr. Right! Soon I’ll be 60 and a crazy cat lady! No one will speak to me and I’ll be forever alone …. I wonder what my single friends are doing this weekend, maybe we could go for a well needed night out in London and I can meet a mysterious tall dark handsome stranger at the bar .. but I am sooooo tired!! This week is almost up and my averagely paid job has drained all energy from me … ah .. my bank account is also saying no to a night out.

Why am I not using my university degree right now?? I paid so much for an education I am not even using, who told everyone this was a good idea!! I blame my parents and the government … because who else can I blame apart from authority? When I move into a place with Mr.Right how will I afford the rent … or furniture?? Oh god, we are going to have to make furniture from cardboard boxes and then somehow my lack of cooking skills is going to burn the house down… I can see it! Maybe I should invest in some culinary classes, I can meet new people and we can all drink red wine together because well … whats more adult than that! Maybe I’ll get an exotic fish tank instead of a dog, perhaps that gives off the same kind of adult vibes but makes you look like you earn loads of money at the same time?

Why oh why does it nearly take my whole monthly salary to get drunk these days? What happened to £1 shots? Those were the days … I wonder if I could find a new course to study and go back to uni for a while, put adulthood on pause again for a few years.

Maybe I need to go on a health kick, turn my life around … lose some of this uni weight! Stupid alcohol why did you make me gain those pounds?! .. That’s it, from tomorrow I am going on a juice cleanse, lots of people are doing those and the Instagram results look impressive … if only I had a booty as good as the girls I see on Instagram .. maybe I should chop all my hair off and dye it bleach blonde? New me, new start, new life! No … everyone knows I look like a potato with short hair … oh, going by the prices it appears I could get a trim if I wanted. That’s that then!

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Overcoming Jealousy

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I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me  a lot more …

The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.

The Stages of Jealousy:

  • When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
  • You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
  • This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
  • As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
  • You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
  • You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.

Low Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
  • You constantly need reassurance.
  • You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
  • You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.

High Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
  • You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
  • You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
  • You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.

My Problem is …

I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.

TIP: I’ve signed up to #MarkTyrrell’s Pyschology course to help deal with my jealousy and anger within my relationship.

Feeling Safe In Love

What I’ve learnt about feeling safe with someone.

Feeling safe doesn’t mean that they are there to physically protect you.
It means your heart is safe with them you feel so cared about and looked after that you’re trusting them to keep your heart safe. To keep it unbroken.

Not so long ago I never thought I could fall in love with someone until they made me feel safe, but my opinion has changed.
Safety is such a loose fitting term and could refer to anything, for each individual it may mean something different.

But being safe in love .. That’s a boring idea. If you feel safe maybe you haven’t fully given yourself to someone, your heart can feel safe with them but love is about risk as well, it’s risking how safe you feel, coming out of your comfort zone to make someone else feel loved, it would also mean you’re able to give more of yourself to another person because you are allowing them to take you out of your comfort zone.
Trusting them to be there for you when you no longer feel safe and tucked away from being hurt.

Stepping out of your comfort zone and into the arms of another person seems like a daunting prospect to me, but if I ever want to have the kind of love that’s full of exhilarating experiences … well that’s never going to come from my comfort zone is it?

Holding Everything In Hurts

This isn’t a physical hurt, it’s more like I can feel my mental capacity cracking like a thin sheet of ice. It wasn’t anything sturdy in the first place, years and years of knock backs have been wearing my mental strength thinner and thinner.
It’s a very delicate thing and it’s cracking. It’s my fault it’s cracking because I store resentment, I hold on to it like a sponge. Small things that make me unhappy, small things that people have done that have upset me I will store and keep until I crack.
Like when a dam is holding back too much water. It will hold it back until it can no longer hold the pressure and it breaks. I’m worried that is what’s going to happen to me and then what? Will I just be a shell of a person?
I know what’s caused it, most of it is lots of tiny things that continue to build up and then there’s the one main cause … there’s him. If he had any idea of how much he’d hurt me, if he even knew about the panic attacks I’ve had in my room, the fear I’ve had about leaving the safety of this house out of the fear of seeing him with her. If only he knew how small and insignificant he had made me feel.

I just want to crack and let all of this out, but I’m worried I will take it out on the people I care about most so I need to keep all of this building up anger deep inside so I don’t upset anyone around me.

Even if I do decide to try and figure this out I’m not sure how relevant everything that pours out of me will be.
I’ve tried talking to people about how I feel before and it just doesn’t work. I can’t do it. I’m not an open book, I don’t vent to people because I don’t like letting people in. I don’t want others knowing that some people have such an ability to impact my life so much.

I don’t like showing weakness, so although holding all this hurt in is bad, it would never be as bad as showing weakness.

My Nightmare

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Originally this post was going to be about a nightmare I kept having, however, after I had written it down and I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had a reoccurring nightmare he asked if he could read it before I blogged about it, I’m not a very open person, so sharing how I feel in real life really terrifies me, but he was amazing about it, he continuously surprises me with his response to certain things and I end up falling more and more in love with him, so now, not only am I sharing my nightmare on my blog I’ve also included his response that he very sweetly wrote underneath after he had read it. It’s helped me feel easier about opening up with concerns I have, so for anyone who feels the same as I do and doesn’t like to open up, maybe try telling someone you love and see how they respond? It may just surprise you.

I keep having this reoccurring nightmare.
I’ve built up everything that represents me and you on glass platforms. These platforms are beautiful and perfect something that is there only to hold you and me, but the glass is there to represent something fragile, something maybe we are.I’m trying to keep everyone and everything away incase it breaks.
In this nightmare once everything is broken and lays in pieces on the floor you take enjoyment from hurting me, you constantly test me to see how far I can be pushed.
Doing things to see if I find out perhaps and then wondering why I’m letting such obvious signs that something is wrong just slip through my fingers.
I’m not a push over, I just don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting me.
I have this theory, that people are made to hurt each other. I expect it, I expect to be hurt.
That way. When it happens I can’t feel let down, I don’t want to feel let down by you so I’m going to expect you to hurt me.
In this nightmare I know about all the other women you let touch you, I know you like it when they fall for your charm. I know, but I’ll never say anything.
I flinch when I have this glass shattering nightmare, I’ll grip on to you slightly when it wakes me up to make sure you’re still next to me, to make sure you’re still mine. You know I have these restless nights and yet you don’t even know what you’re trying to comfort me from, how can I talk about such an unsettling idea but ironically describe it using such beautiful metaphor.

The Response

Hey baby.
First of all, you write so beautifully and with such imagination and creativity. You’re definitely gifted with writing. Another talent of yours. I can’t wait to read other masterpieces of yours if they’re similar to this.

This reoccurring nightmare is not silly at all! Not even in the slightest. Im grateful that you let me read it. These glass platforms you speak of I guess represents our pillars of happiness….which must be pretty high. It is completely understandable what you are feeling. I think you have been hurt times before and you are expecting for me to hurt you. Waiting for the next moment to be hurt. A little bit how I feel sometimes. A bit how I have trust issues with you. Maybe you have this theory because you have never been very happy? Truly In love? I can say right now that it is ok to have your theory. It’s not silly. However I hope you know how hard I try to make you happy. To make us happy. How much I really really do love you. You being happy is the best thing in the world to me and there is NO way I would ruin that or stop thinking like that. Although I say this stuff all the time and tell you how much I love you. I think the only real cure to how you’re feeling is time. The longer you are happy and the longer we are together maybe the more you will start to realise that I am here for a long time possibly forever that you might start to feel secure and that I won’t hurt you. I know that you’re not a pushover. I definitely know that! And I’m glad you’re not. There’s nothing worse than letting someone walk all over you even if you love them. That’s why I love your stubbornness and your fight. I know it’s difficult for you to tell me how you feel and even more so with this because you’re scared that I will get enjoyment out of it. But honestly, the only enjoyment I get is when you’re the opposite. When you’re happy and when you tell me something good. When you’re excited to tell me something. That makes me really happy. The only reason I want to hear negative things and things I am doing wrong is because I want to help and make you happy again. Not get an enjoyment out of it. Maybe when you realise this you will feel more comfortable about opening up?

I like the fact that you grip me tightly after the nightmare. It makes me feel loved and cared for. It makes me feel that you need me. But you should know that I am yours…..that’s not going to change I’m afraid.

You should know that everything I tell you is the truth. You are an amazing, beautiful girl and I’m proud of you. I love you baby and I’m lucky to have you!

I’m Not Capable Of Hating You

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I can’t hate anyone especially you.
I wish I could, oh how I wish I could fill my body with such resentment for a person that it spirals into a fit of range and explodes into the most vile hatred anyone has ever seen.
I wish my body was capable of such negativity.
But it’s just not, I never hate people. I only ever hate what others turn me into, I see figments of myself change as people hurt me and let me down. I wish I could take my negativity out in others but instead I let it remould my personality and shape it slightly differently each time I get hurt.
I wish someone could melt me down, I would let them remould me and start again.
I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could remember a time when I was a perfectly moulded version of myself, before you ruined me.

You’ve made me hate myself over and over again, you’ve made me feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t feel good enough anymore, I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
The golden glow of confidence I had is getting smaller and smaller as I hate myself more and more because of you.

I crawl back every time and I don’t know why when you don’t even respect me as a person. Your vial and you swear at me but for some reason I just think it’s because you’re scared of how you feel. Deep down though I know it isn’t. It’s actually just because you don’t respect me. You probably never will, not enough to have my heart anyway. You don’t actually deserve another minute of my time, i’ll realise this. Eventually.