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A Girls Quarter Life Crisis Thoughts

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Why is everyone travelling apart from me? Maybe I shouldn’t have been career driven, maybe I should quit tomorrow and book a random flight? I could go to a jungle and live with the locals for a few months, gain some real life experience? No … That’s ridiculous how will I pay to get my nails done and have my hair colored, how could I live in a jungle with all the bugs? Maybe I’ll just stick to hotels, so that means I’ll need even more money if I don’t want to backpack … I better start looking for a better paid job right now! … Speaking of which, I could have sworn that I was guaranteed an entry level salary of n excess of £20,000??? What happened to that? I did not sign up for this whole no paid experience malarkey after getting myself into a study debt, I was promised the job of my dreams! Why is it still so hard??

I want to buy a dog, it will show how mature and in control of my life I am, but wait .. when I finally book a random flight to the middle of no where just like everyone else what will happen to the dog? I’m sure I can go back to rely on parents in a situation like this right? Speaking of which, I am two months into my monthly salary and it’s already all gone, I wonder if they will give me money for a couple of weeks? I just want my independence so bad!!

Why are all my friends living with their boyfriends, oh god … some of them even with their husbands! When did people start getting married and having babies this young?!! I couldn’t handle a child .. last week I killed a cactus! Right … I need to get on to Tinder this instant and find Mr. Right! Soon I’ll be 60 and a crazy cat lady! No one will speak to me and I’ll be forever alone …. I wonder what my single friends are doing this weekend, maybe we could go for a well needed night out in London and I can meet a mysterious tall dark handsome stranger at the bar .. but I am sooooo tired!! This week is almost up and my averagely paid job has drained all energy from me … ah .. my bank account is also saying no to a night out.

Why am I not using my university degree right now?? I paid so much for an education I am not even using, who told everyone this was a good idea!! I blame my parents and the government … because who else can I blame apart from authority? When I move into a place with Mr.Right how will I afford the rent … or furniture?? Oh god, we are going to have to make furniture from cardboard boxes and then somehow my lack of cooking skills is going to burn the house down… I can see it! Maybe I should invest in some culinary classes, I can meet new people and we can all drink red wine together because well … whats more adult than that! Maybe I’ll get an exotic fish tank instead of a dog, perhaps that gives off the same kind of adult vibes but makes you look like you earn loads of money at the same time?

Why oh why does it nearly take my whole monthly salary to get drunk these days? What happened to £1 shots? Those were the days … I wonder if I could find a new course to study and go back to uni for a while, put adulthood on pause again for a few years.

Maybe I need to go on a health kick, turn my life around … lose some of this uni weight! Stupid alcohol why did you make me gain those pounds?! .. That’s it, from tomorrow I am going on a juice cleanse, lots of people are doing those and the Instagram results look impressive … if only I had a booty as good as the girls I see on Instagram .. maybe I should chop all my hair off and dye it bleach blonde? New me, new start, new life! No … everyone knows I look like a potato with short hair … oh, going by the prices it appears I could get a trim if I wanted. That’s that then!

Is Stubbornness My Defence Mechanism?

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I can openly admit to being a stubborn person. I feel the need to protect my opinions and my thoughts at all costs and not only this, when I am wrong admitting it seems to actually hurt my soul.
But be warned, being stubborn can ruin chances for you and it can also ruin relationships.

Try as I might to be open-minded and reasonable, I find it hard to take criticism. On an intellectual level, I understand there is no animosity from the individual who gives me constructive feedback, but I can’t help but experience an emotional reaction to it anyway, this brings me to the conclusion of my stubbornness just hiding my defensiveness.

Stubborn people are driven by a resistance to being forced into doing or experiencing anything against their will. I don’t want to go through the emotions I feel when I’m being criticised , so I make an excuse, and tell myself that I can’t be wrong and don’t need to change.

But I’ve figured something out …. the best way to reduce defensiveness in the long term is through creating a sense of self-worth. The more you value yourself, the less you will feel an instinctual “need” to protect your ego and I know I can say for sure that I always feel a need to protect myself.

But I’m trying to remember everyone makes mistakes, and everyone is wrong sometimes and when I find myself in situations where I am being stubborn or defensive unnecessarily then I need to remind myself it is ok to be wrong.

Listening to others side of the story of other opinions is very important. And listening is something I will find hard especially when I know it is going to lead to criticism.

Stubbornness and defensiveness are some of the worst, personality traits to have, yet they seem to be incredibly common. In fact, everyone experiences at least occasional instances of each (some people more than others) and I can openly admit to being one of these people.

But it’s something that can be worked on and I personally will be focusing on trying to better myself by reducing my shut down method of dealing with criticism.

Feeling Safe In Love

What I’ve learnt about feeling safe with someone.

Feeling safe doesn’t mean that they are there to physically protect you.
It means your heart is safe with them you feel so cared about and looked after that you’re trusting them to keep your heart safe. To keep it unbroken.

Not so long ago I never thought I could fall in love with someone until they made me feel safe, but my opinion has changed.
Safety is such a loose fitting term and could refer to anything, for each individual it may mean something different.

But being safe in love .. That’s a boring idea. If you feel safe maybe you haven’t fully given yourself to someone, your heart can feel safe with them but love is about risk as well, it’s risking how safe you feel, coming out of your comfort zone to make someone else feel loved, it would also mean you’re able to give more of yourself to another person because you are allowing them to take you out of your comfort zone.
Trusting them to be there for you when you no longer feel safe and tucked away from being hurt.

Stepping out of your comfort zone and into the arms of another person seems like a daunting prospect to me, but if I ever want to have the kind of love that’s full of exhilarating experiences … well that’s never going to come from my comfort zone is it?

Holding Everything In Hurts

This isn’t a physical hurt, it’s more like I can feel my mental capacity cracking like a thin sheet of ice. It wasn’t anything sturdy in the first place, years and years of knock backs have been wearing my mental strength thinner and thinner.
It’s a very delicate thing and it’s cracking. It’s my fault it’s cracking because I store resentment, I hold on to it like a sponge. Small things that make me unhappy, small things that people have done that have upset me I will store and keep until I crack.
Like when a dam is holding back too much water. It will hold it back until it can no longer hold the pressure and it breaks. I’m worried that is what’s going to happen to me and then what? Will I just be a shell of a person?
I know what’s caused it, most of it is lots of tiny things that continue to build up and then there’s the one main cause … there’s him. If he had any idea of how much he’d hurt me, if he even knew about the panic attacks I’ve had in my room, the fear I’ve had about leaving the safety of this house out of the fear of seeing him with her. If only he knew how small and insignificant he had made me feel.

I just want to crack and let all of this out, but I’m worried I will take it out on the people I care about most so I need to keep all of this building up anger deep inside so I don’t upset anyone around me.

Even if I do decide to try and figure this out I’m not sure how relevant everything that pours out of me will be.
I’ve tried talking to people about how I feel before and it just doesn’t work. I can’t do it. I’m not an open book, I don’t vent to people because I don’t like letting people in. I don’t want others knowing that some people have such an ability to impact my life so much.

I don’t like showing weakness, so although holding all this hurt in is bad, it would never be as bad as showing weakness.

My Nightmare

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Originally this post was going to be about a nightmare I kept having, however, after I had written it down and I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had a reoccurring nightmare he asked if he could read it before I blogged about it, I’m not a very open person, so sharing how I feel in real life really terrifies me, but he was amazing about it, he continuously surprises me with his response to certain things and I end up falling more and more in love with him, so now, not only am I sharing my nightmare on my blog I’ve also included his response that he very sweetly wrote underneath after he had read it. It’s helped me feel easier about opening up with concerns I have, so for anyone who feels the same as I do and doesn’t like to open up, maybe try telling someone you love and see how they respond? It may just surprise you.

I keep having this reoccurring nightmare.
I’ve built up everything that represents me and you on glass platforms. These platforms are beautiful and perfect something that is there only to hold you and me, but the glass is there to represent something fragile, something maybe we are.I’m trying to keep everyone and everything away incase it breaks.
In this nightmare once everything is broken and lays in pieces on the floor you take enjoyment from hurting me, you constantly test me to see how far I can be pushed.
Doing things to see if I find out perhaps and then wondering why I’m letting such obvious signs that something is wrong just slip through my fingers.
I’m not a push over, I just don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting me.
I have this theory, that people are made to hurt each other. I expect it, I expect to be hurt.
That way. When it happens I can’t feel let down, I don’t want to feel let down by you so I’m going to expect you to hurt me.
In this nightmare I know about all the other women you let touch you, I know you like it when they fall for your charm. I know, but I’ll never say anything.
I flinch when I have this glass shattering nightmare, I’ll grip on to you slightly when it wakes me up to make sure you’re still next to me, to make sure you’re still mine. You know I have these restless nights and yet you don’t even know what you’re trying to comfort me from, how can I talk about such an unsettling idea but ironically describe it using such beautiful metaphor.

The Response

Hey baby.
First of all, you write so beautifully and with such imagination and creativity. You’re definitely gifted with writing. Another talent of yours. I can’t wait to read other masterpieces of yours if they’re similar to this.

This reoccurring nightmare is not silly at all! Not even in the slightest. Im grateful that you let me read it. These glass platforms you speak of I guess represents our pillars of happiness….which must be pretty high. It is completely understandable what you are feeling. I think you have been hurt times before and you are expecting for me to hurt you. Waiting for the next moment to be hurt. A little bit how I feel sometimes. A bit how I have trust issues with you. Maybe you have this theory because you have never been very happy? Truly In love? I can say right now that it is ok to have your theory. It’s not silly. However I hope you know how hard I try to make you happy. To make us happy. How much I really really do love you. You being happy is the best thing in the world to me and there is NO way I would ruin that or stop thinking like that. Although I say this stuff all the time and tell you how much I love you. I think the only real cure to how you’re feeling is time. The longer you are happy and the longer we are together maybe the more you will start to realise that I am here for a long time possibly forever that you might start to feel secure and that I won’t hurt you. I know that you’re not a pushover. I definitely know that! And I’m glad you’re not. There’s nothing worse than letting someone walk all over you even if you love them. That’s why I love your stubbornness and your fight. I know it’s difficult for you to tell me how you feel and even more so with this because you’re scared that I will get enjoyment out of it. But honestly, the only enjoyment I get is when you’re the opposite. When you’re happy and when you tell me something good. When you’re excited to tell me something. That makes me really happy. The only reason I want to hear negative things and things I am doing wrong is because I want to help and make you happy again. Not get an enjoyment out of it. Maybe when you realise this you will feel more comfortable about opening up?

I like the fact that you grip me tightly after the nightmare. It makes me feel loved and cared for. It makes me feel that you need me. But you should know that I am yours…..that’s not going to change I’m afraid.

You should know that everything I tell you is the truth. You are an amazing, beautiful girl and I’m proud of you. I love you baby and I’m lucky to have you!

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The Art Of Conversation

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I know full well that I am bad at communicating how I feel, or at least I do now.
I had never been told this before, but now I have been told I notice it almost every day. When I choose to leave a room in silence instead of fill it with pointless conversation it makes me double think, maybe I do need to be able to constantly talk about anything and everything for people to be able to understand what I’m thinking.

I’ve just never felt the need to be like this, unless I’ve known someone for years and I am totally comfortable with them I don’t see the need to vocalise my every thought.
But yet, when other people stop talking I worry. I worry that I’ve done something wrong or that I’ve upset someone. I need other people to constantly talk to me to provide me with some kind of reassurance that I’m doing the right things and I haven’t upset them.
Surely this should be my wake up call to think that other people feel like this as well, maybe people around me constantly think they’ve upset me or are doing the wrong thing because I don’t feel the need to speak all the time.

I don’t want people to feel that way, but I have always felt that unless I have something to say I shouldn’t bother saying anything at all. I just don’t know what to do to fix it, how is it even possible to change a behaviour that you’ve been used to for your whole life. It seems to me almost impossible, but I’ll try. Because I want people around me to know how I feel without me just expecting them to read my mind.