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Emotional intelligence

10 emotional intelligence tips from the masters | The Enterprisers Project

Being self-aware emotionally can both be a good and a bad thing, while being able to recognise how you feel and whats triggered it is always good, the not being able to do anything about it part is where it sucks. It’s like being given flat packed furniture with the end image and no instructions.

Maybe ignorance is bliss when it comes to emotional intelligence?

Because now you’ve become aware of that feeling in your chest, the one that’s telling you someones moved into a small space in your heart and ever so slowly they’re making renovations and expanding the space they’ve unknowingly claimed as theirs.

You know what this is going to mean, so you’re internally screaming at them to stop with the extensions they’re trying to build because falling in love is one of the scariest things you’ve every experienced in your life. To you, falling in love means a feeling of loss of control. Your emotions don’t entirely feel like your own and you’ve spent years priding yourself on the fact that the one thing that you have total and utter control over are your own emotions.

But you can feel it changing.

You can feel it changing as you make them laugh and their smile brightens up your whole day. You can feel it changing when they’re laying their head on your lap while you run your fingers through their hair. You can feel it changing in those moments of emotional vulnerability that the two of you share, the moments that belong to no one but the two of you.

You feel it when suddenly you’ve realised you’re preplanning things in your head with them that won’t be happening for months.

And you’re scared, I get it.

This is one of the times when you wish you couldn’t feel every emotional change thats happening inside you, because right now these heightened emotions are screaming at you and you can’t even try and ignore them. But the whole ‘I can’t even do anything about this‘ is whats making things worse.

It’s as if all you can do is stand and watch a building burn down in front of you despite knowing where to get water, except you can’t get the water because all of a sudden your arms have stopped working. So that’s it, all you can do is stand there and watch the destruction unfold.

And the destruction is alarmingly beautiful, in a way where you want to walk away but you can’t because you also have a desire to see what happens at the end.

Being self aware can be a good and a bad thing, but when it comes to love emotional intelligence sometimes often leads to more confusion because you’re so in tune to not only your own feelings but also the feelings of your partners.

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Friends with all the benefits (kind of)

gif love Black and White mila kunis friends with benefits Justin ...

Let’s be friends ….. we could go for a coffee and spend time doing all the things we both love doing.

Let’s go to all our favourite restaurants and cater to our ‘foodie’ personalities while we talk about everything and anything, I’ll listen to you while you tell me about what’s bothering you and I won’t do it because I want to give an opinion, I’ll do it because I want to listen to you talk. I want to hear you talk about everything that scares you until it feels like it isn’t scary anymore.

Let me calm your chaotic mind while we sit in a quiet coffee shop watching the world go by, creating imaginary lives for the people who walk past us.

I want to get wrapped up in silly moments that turn into hours, which accidentally turn into days, because time fly’s when you’re having fun right?

Let’s go and lose ourselves in a stupidly competitive game of Mario Kart and then maybe catch a film so we can enjoy sitting near each other while not having to say a word.

I can see all the benefits to this friendship.

Let me talk to you about all the things I’m excited to do and about all the visions I have for my business, while you sit and admire my ambitious personality.

Let’s walk the city streets together and find all the hidden gin bars that no one else knows about because then they can be ‘our’ drinking spots, maybe we can sit and drink while day fades into night.

Or how about, Netflix … but it’s my choice of course, because my taste in shows and films has always been better.

Let’s lay on the couch together at the end of a long day or in the middle of a lazy Sunday afternoon and flick something on that can play in the background while we both drift in and out of sleep in the comfort of each other’s company.

Because we can do that and be friends, right?

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All the ways you ‘shouldn’t’ ask her out

I Have A Feeling... That We Should Kiss. GIF - AdamDevin ...

So guys, listen up. There’s some ways that work when asking out a woman and some ways that just totally and utterly …. make us screen shot your attempt and send it to our friends. So I’ve complied a list of ways in which you should most definitely NOT ask someone out.

1. We can go if you want to – why doesn’t this work, well probably because you’re making it feel more like a chore and less like you want us to go somewhere with you.

2. We should go for dinner some time – VAGUE. so very vague, you obviously must think we sit around waiting for men to make plans with us. No, we’re busy people so if you want to go on a date with us, pick a date and stick to it!

3. You wanna do that ‘insert activity here’ you spoke about – how about you be more proactive? If we’ve mentioned we want to do something, surprise us and just book it/plan it and then tell us when to be there. Be ballsy! Especially if you can’t come up with your own ideas.

4. Let’s catch up – erm, on what? If we haven’t seen you for years, one coffee date isn’t going to fill you in on all the events of my life. So again, suggest an actual plan.

5. We could grab a drink if you want – LOW EFFORT! If you actually want to impress someone, put in some effort. If you think she’s worth it then do it. We won’t remember all these first date drinks we go on, but we will remember the ones where actual effort was made.

6. I’d love to take you out, followed by ‘well where do you want to go’ – nope. You’ve almost done it right with this one! You’ve said you’d love to see us, but then throwing the control back at us. If you’d love to take us out, you should know where you’d ‘love’ to take us.

7. We could do something this Saturday, oh wait no I’m busy – if we didn’t ask you out on Saturday, you don’t need to ask us and then subsequently announce you actually have other plans. No one asked. Tell us a day when you’re free or actually free one up for us.

8. I’ll let you know when I’ve chosen something – if you’re approaching us to ask us on a date you really should have already had a plan. This line makes us think we should carry on with plans with our friends, it doesn’t sound certain and we won’t sit around waiting for you to get your act together. Either get something set up properly or we’ll assume you’re going to bail.

9. We should go out – ok, firstly … said who? You’re not really asking me if I actually want to now, you’re just telling me, kind of like a caveman pointing at what he wants and thinking it will just happen. It probably won’t with this approach.

10. You wanna go on date then? – why do I feel like your mum who’s making you take her food shopping all of a sudden? I want you to want to go on a date with me …. I don’t want to feel like a chore. But thanks anyway.

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Roles in the bedroom – what we really want

Goodreads | Fear Me (Broken Love, #1) by B.B. Reid — Reviews ...

Two words, one question, dominant or submissive?

I bet when you read both you automatically placed a gender to each word right? We tend to subconsciously place men into the bracket of being dominant in bed and women as being submissive. But what if our prejudged ideas are wrong?

What if in reality more of us women want to choke our men in bed and watch them grit their teeth at the sheer pleasure of being controlled for once, rather than us seeming like the ‘weaker’ sex.

But more to the point, what if more men want that and just don’t own up to it?

Well, I had over fifty people take a sex survey for me to really delve into the minds of men and women and the role they prefer to take up in the bedroom.

After everyone had sent me their top three results from the quiz, I sat down to really analyse typically what roles both men and women were ending up with in their top three. It appears that while we all have a few ‘kinks‘ both sexes like to ‘switch it up‘ when it comes to the role they’re playing in bed.

When it came to the top three ‘roles‘ we like to take on in the bedroom, overall for men they were getting the results of ‘Dominant’, ‘Switch’ and ‘Vanilla’ while the most common top three for women were ‘Switch’ ‘Brat’ and ‘Submissive’

And for those of you who are curious as to what these bedroom personalities mean, I’ll put the descriptions at the bottom.

Unsurprisingly, Dominant was in the top three for most guys and submissive was in the top three for most women, what was quite surprising was how many guys had vanilla come up in their top three results, so I suppose despite guys saying how much they love doing weird and wonderful things in bed, it may not necessarily be as true after all.

But the overall vibe here was more that no one wants to have set roles, we want to be able to do whatever feels right in the moment, whether that’s laying there and taking everything that someones giving us (quite literally), or whether it’s pinning our sexual partner to the bed, or sofa, or any available surface (whatever takes your fancy), pulling their hair, grabbing their throat and taking control to get exactly what we want from them.

Switch: Switches like to… well, switch. Always taking a dominant or top position is not for them, neither is always taking a submissive or bottom position. Some prefer to switch with the same partner or partners, others have a dominant play partner and a submissive play partner, but in either case they do not fit on one end point of the spectrum.

The definition behind the top results

Dominant: Dominants like to be in charge. Some like to have their partner obey them without questioning, others like some resistance while taking it their way. Some are dominant only in the bedroom, others are dominant throughout their daily life as well (usually with limitations). Unlike the top roles (giving pain/bondage/degradation), being dominant is more about who decides what happens (and takes the responsibility that comes with it) than about the contents of what happens.

Submissive: Submissives like to follow. Some like to give the control away to their partner(s), some like to have it forcibly taken from them. Some are submissive only in the bedroom, others are submissive throughout their daily life as well (usually with limitations). Unlike the bottom roles (receiving pain/bondage/degradation), being submissive is more about who decides what happens (and takes the responsibility that comes with it) than about the contents of what happens.

Brat: Brats are, in essence, naughty submissives. They find disobedience a form of playfulness rather than letting their dominant down, and require a compatible dominant who will not only teach them a lesson, but also accept that any number of lessons might still not necessarily change this behavior.

Vanilla: Vanilla people enjoy regular, standard sex and relationship models. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re having fun!

If you want to take the test yourself you can find it here.

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A classic waste of time

Do you know what the one thing is that people freely give away but yet only we only have a limited amount of? Time.

And annoyingly someone can either make it feel invaluable or as a disposable asset, as easily replaceable as a battery. But it’s not. Time is precious. YOUR time is precious.

You need to be with the person who makes you feel as though the time you’re giving them is the most precious thing in the world.

Don’t tolerate people who waste your time and behave as if it isn’t a big deal when they dip in and out of your life.

Your time is one of the most valuable things you can give to another person. So pick the person you’re giving it away to very carefully.

But also, a very valuable piece of advise is this. Just because the last one was a waste of time doesn’t mean the next one will be, so don’t let previous experiences alter your perspective of the next people who walk into your life. You should give everyone the opportunity to start on the same grounds, no holding grudges from the past.

Imagine it like this. When we’re born, we’re given a watch with a set amount of time, like a really long timer. Once the timer runs out that’s when we die, would this change how we lived? Probably.

We’d probably take more risks and put up with less s**t from people who we tolerate.

We’d probably spend more time around people who inspire us and make us happy, the ones who encourage us to be the best versions of ourselves.

But yet because we all act as if we have endless amounts of time, we tend to be careless with it and we don’t behave as if our time is precious.

And if we don’t see the value in our own time, how do we expect others to see the value in it?

So remember, stop letting so many people be a classic waste of time in your life.

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When and how to have ‘the chat’

So here you are, suddenly enraged by the thought of the person you’ve been dating (for however long) seeing someone else … so how are you going to approach the ‘I don’t want you to see anyone else’ chat before someone’s feelings get hurt?

I’ll always stick to the opinion of communication being the make or break factor in a relationship, but yet when it comes to brining up conversation topics that have the potential to hurt us, we try and avoid them at all costs.

If you’re the one bringing up the conversation, and you ask the person you’re seeing if they’re still dating/sleeping with other people. Do you think you have the right to be hurt by the the answer (if it’s a yes) if you haven’t had ‘the chat’ with them before this point?

Difficult one to answer right?

Like surely you can’t just assume that there is some unspoken agreement between you guys when you’re in an early stage of your relationship?

So maybe do it slightly differently, maybe instead of asking them if they’re currently entangled (dating or shagging) with anyone else, you should simply state what you want, whether that’s to stay casual or get serious.

You want to be exclusive? Ok cool tell them … of course they could say they’re not on the same page, but is it not better to know that rather than going along with someone assuming they’re all in with you when actually they’re only all in with you when you’re in front of them?

What happens if your friends come across their online dating profiles and you guys haven’t had ‘the chat’ yet, do you really think you can be annoyed that they still have them if you haven’t been upfront with what you find acceptable or unacceptable?

So ‘when’ should the chat happen?

Well this isn’t a single answer question. Maybe don’t proposition them after your first date, but if you guys have spent two consecutive weeks together after date one, maybe having a ‘what are we’ conversation is ok to happen earlier on.

Basically, I can’t give an opinion on this because every relationship is different and not one has a single set of rules.

But if you’re really stuck on ways to approach the subject and you’re feeling a bit vulnerable, here’s some ways you could initiate the conversation.

1. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of exclusivity.

2. I’m a bit nervous in bringing this up, but I wanted to ask if you’re still seeing other people, I just want to make sure I know where I stand.

3. I want to make sure that we’re clear with what’s happening here, because I’m not seeing anyone else and I want to make sure you’re ok the same page as me to avoid any issues in the near future.

4. Hey I wanted to ask, because my friend came across you on a dating app, are you still seeing other people? I want to make sure we’re being as honest as we can be about what we want.

5. I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else, but I wanted to find out where your head was at and if you’re in the same position.

Good luck!

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I hope she’s done

I hope she’s done going above and beyond and getting left behind.

I hope she’s done finding men who are secretly broken and need her to fix them who then drain her of her energy and walk away with her heart.

I hope she’s done getting broken promises from men who claim to be honest and loyal but walk away as anything but.

I hope she’s done getting told ‘I’m your soulmate, you’re beautiful, and that you’re so important to me’, and then being left broken and crying watching the guy she was in love with carry on with someone else.

I hope she’s done feeling broken just because you couldn’t keep to your word and be there for her like she was there for you.

I hope she’s done trying to overanalyse why she wasn’t enough for you.

I hope she’s done feeling betrayed and broken when she gave so much of herself to someone who didn’t deserve it.

I hope she’s done allowing herself to be your shoulder to lean on only for you to walk away and not be there for her.

I hope she’s done trying to make excuses for you while you were so unbelievably inconsiderate and uncompassionate.

I hope she’s done trying to be loyal and loving to you when you took her trust and dismantled it.

Everyone has the right to choose who they want to spend their time with and invest in. This isn’t an Alanis Morisette song and she’s not some fatal attraction psycho. She showed respect and when she walked away, she spent months working on herself and crying alone, only to come out stronger, but she wouldn’t spend a second trying to pretend like it didn’t hurt because it fucking did.

She loved you, she was deeply attracted to you in every way, and she thought of you as her best friend. You were her first thought in the morning and her last thought at night. She thought of ways to look great for you and she loved your hands all over her. She was a fierce protector of your dreams and was genuinely interested in everything you had to say. She found you to be intelligent, rugged, sexy, kind and handsome. She raved about you to all of her friends. She invested in you, and would have walked across glass to be with you.

But here’s the thing, at the end of the day, she’s human, she’s sad, she’s hurt, and she’s angry, but she had also been your biggest supporter from afar, and I hope one day you will see that. But she deserves better.

I hope she’s done.

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Break Up Levels

When a break up happens, inevitably one person is going to be the one that gets dumped and the other one is going to be the heartbreaker.

But when this happens, the two people involved will be starting at two opposite ends of the break up scale, and here’s how it works.

Level 1 vs level 10

While a break up may heart wrenching and make your stomach hurt, take some solace in knowing that if you’re the one who’s been dumped, you’ve started at level 10 (which is the worst by the way) … this is the top end of the break up scale, where you can’t sleep or eat, you don’t know what you’ll do without them in your life and you feel as though the world as you know it is falling out from under your feet.

The person who’s broken up with you however, they’ve started at level 1 … they feel pretty relieved, in their head they had probably already ended things with you a few weeks before they actually had the guts to do it in real life. So right now, they’re just happy its all over and done with and they can carry on their life without you, the one they think they want, but realistically there’s no progress for them to make in this situation, there’s nothing they have to deal with because it wasn’t a shock for them, they knew what they were going to do. So starting at level 1, maybe not as great as we think it may be!

Level 3 vs level 8

Now lets fast forward a few months, your level 10 has now dropped to a level 8. You still miss them like crazy, but after lots of free therapy sessions with your friends, you’re starting to feel a lot better than how you were when you initially got the news, you can see that you can still have a life without them and it won’t be as awful as you think.

Our level 1 people, well they’re now at level 3. They’re still doing all the things they wanted to do, going out and being selfish with their own time and they’re enjoying it. But every now and then, something will happen in their every day life and they wish they could tell you about it, but of course …. that privilege is gone for them now. They don’t have the person there who used to take a keen interest in their work, or smile at the dog pictures they used to send, but it’s fine and they’re not too bothered by it, they know they’ll find someone else to do all that stuff with soon anyway so it’s not a big deal.

And here’s where it starts to get interesting, because ever so slowly, the two of you are coming towards being at the same level of getting over your break up but you’ve come from different ends of the scale, as the one who started out heartbroken and devastated is now healing and moving forward …. the one who done the heartbreaking is now starting to realise what they’ve given up on.

Meeting in the middle at level 5

At around the five months later mark, our level 8 people have probably now dropped to level 5. You’re making future plans and when you’ve been making them you haven’t even considered your previous SO in the picture, you haven’t been doing a ‘well what if‘ kind of plan that might involve them, nope. You’re focusing on you and you’re thriving as if a glow was going out of fashion.

At the same time, our people who were at level 3, are also now at level 5 too. They’ve been on a few dates and each one without even wanting to, they’ve been comparing them to you. They’re keeping active tabs on the person they thought they were ‘so done‘ with. They want to know what’s happing in your life, they can see that you’re doing good and you look happy, they’ve heard about all your exciting plans and they’re gutted they don’t have a more active role. They miss you …. but now they don’t know if they want to try and make a come back.

You see how although you’re both at the same level, because you’ve got there via two very different routes, it just isn’t the same situation for both of you!

Level 5 is the pin point, because if the person who broke your heart does decide to reach out, PLEASE make sure they don’t push you all the way back to level 10 again …. because if you hit level 10, it means they’ll go back to level 1, they know you’re still there and that satisfies their ego …. unless of course they really are sorry, but if they are, then they need to work HARD to get you back!

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Communicate With The Person You Love and care about

When you love someone, you need to learn how to communicate with them properly, that’s just facts. But you also need to learn to understand that how you communicate may be different to how they communicate.

You could be on the exact same page as your person but assume they feel differently than you do. You could be reading them completely wrong. You could be creating drama where none exists. You could be freaking out over a misunderstanding. However, if you had a simple conversation, then everything could be cleared up in a heartbeat, but in todays bat s**t crazy dating world, communication scares the crap out of us, which is kind of sad.

The honest truth is, When you love or care about someone, you should feel comfortable talking to about anything, even if it means it’s going to make you feel vulnerable.

You shouldn’t feel the need to tiptoe around them to avoid setting them off or because you’re scared that speaking up about how you feel is going to push them away. You should be confident that you can have a conversation with them about any topic, regardless of how intimate or awkward, and ultimately you guys will come out as an even stronger team. You have to trust your partner to treat your feelings, your thoughts, and your opinions with a certain level of respect. You have to believe they have your best interest at heart. And yes I know that sounds scary!

When you love someone, you need to remember that the way they express themselves might not mimic the way your exes or your family members express themselves.

Your partner is their own, individual person. You need to figure out how they prefer to discuss their emotions because some people are more vocal and others are more subtle, some are more open and others are more guarded. You need to figure out what works for the two of you as a couple, and that can take some time, at the start you might get things wrong but we need time to learn about the other person.

When you love someone, you don’t hold back anything, even when it’s scary and your putting your heart on the line.

You don’t keep secrets from them. You don’t leave out certain details because it’s easier than getting into a complex, complicated issue. You are completely transparent with them. You can’t pick and choose when to be honest to make scenarios suit you, if you’re in the right relationship you’ll feel like you can tell them anything and everything no matter what it is. You swear to remain honest, even when it could cause a ripple in your relationship, but you know you’re a team and will tackle issues together. You should value your partner too much to manipulate them, to fool them and twist situations to make sure you never have to tell them something you know they may not like. You would rather be real with them and work through whatever issues might arise.

When you love someone, you check in with them regularly.

You make sure nothing has gone wrong without you realising. You make sure they’re still feeling appreciated, loved, and confident about where your love story is heading. Instead of assuming everything is fine, you actually ask your partner where their head is at, and if something has been wrong, you take steps to fix it. You don’t talk without taking action. You follow through on what you say, make sure conversations never fall on deaf ears because that could cause as much damage as not talking. Actions always speak louder than words.

When you love someone, you don’t distance yourself from them emotionally. You don’t put up a wall, shutting them out. You don’t allow your fears from past experiences cloud your current relationship, even when you can feel yourself getting more emotionally vulnerable you speak up and tell them where you’re at and how you feel, even if you’re feeling scared.

You let them see every side of yourself, even the parts you like the least, the parts you try to hide from everyone else, because you know they aren’t going anywhere and they sure as hell won’t judge you or try and change you. You know you can trust them to stay even when you guys are facing tough times together, you know they aren’t going anywhere. You know being open and honest with them is only going to push you closer together, not wrench you further apart.

And that is why you should learn to communicate with the person you love or care about.

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Here’s to all the ones we thought we’d never get over

This is for the one you thought would be etched into your heart forever. The one you sat and cried for over and over again. Or maybe you’re even still awake at stupid times in the middle of the night wishing you were waking up and seeing them laying next to you.

The reality is, missing someone is easy because it’s the part we have no control over. How we handle missing them is the hard part, do we let it consume everything we do, or do we own it and say to ourselves “it’s ok to feel like this for now”.

Its normal to miss someone when we genuinely have a connection with them. When we have a history with someone it doesn’t even matter how long the chapter was that they had in our lives, we’ll miss them. And that’s totally ok.

Sometimes when missing someone becomes hard it’s because we start to think of the scenarios, of how things could be different. What if we did something differently? Would everything change? The problem with “what if” is that we’ll never really get the answers we’re looking for because we can’t force or control the actions of others. We have no way to know how a person really feels or why they’re doing the things they do. All we can do is believe in what actions we see.

And the reality is, if they missed you too, they could do something about it. If they’re the one that walked away, they’re the one who knows what direction will also lead them back to you. Their “I miss you too’s” have as much sincerity as your mum telling you to “have fun” when you’re on your way to a party.

Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

So you know what’s going to make it easier to get over the one you never thought you’d get over? The lack of their actions meeting their words. Their inability to fight for you and show you just how much they want you in their lives.

Eventually you’ll realise you’ve found someone else who treats you better than they did. Who makes you feel more important than they did and who makes you feel like they want you to be a part of their lives every day.

It’s also ok if someone you’ve been with for months had a bigger impact on you than someone you’ve been with for years. There’s no rules and regulations for this kind of chaos. Missing someone is fine.

And although maybe right now you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t imagine not wishing they were next to you but trust me you will and that’s the day you’ll realise they didn’t fight for you the way they should have, they didn’t treat you like you were rare and something they should protect.

But that’s cool, because everything you gave to the wrong one will be worth traveling to the moon and back for to the right one.

So chin up, and lift a glass for the one you think or thought you’d never get over. Because you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.