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It will be worth the risk

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I think you can feel it you know, when it’s right with someone … you can just feel it in your bones.

Doesn’t matter how hard you try and run from it, you always find your mind wandering to them, even when you wish it would wander in the complete opposite direction. Maybe you don’t want to feel it, maybe you’re trying to avoid it because you’re scared. But deep down, you know you’re right for them and they’re right for you too.

That’s the thing with love though, just when you least expect it, it will come up and bite you. Sometimes (and this is the worst) love will bite you twice. You think you’re already in love with one person and then it comes up and reappears in almost a surprise attack kind of like it’s saying ‘ha, you though that was love before, we;; that was just a preview, this is the one you’ll really fall for’ and that’s when it’s the worst.

When you fall out of love slightly just to fall back in love differently, that’s the worst. Because love shouldn’t hurt, but ultimately it always ends up hurting someone.

But when you can feel it in your bones, then it will be worth the risk. Love isn’t designed to be a straight road, its supposed to be an unforgettable journey and I’m not being funny … but a simple straight road is only there to be forgotten. The ones you remember most are the ones that have been the most dangerous, the ones with all the corners that each reveal another surprise, the ones that offer the most spectacular views after climbing epic hills. That’s the journey you want to take. Even if it seems scary when you start.

That dangerous road is going to be the best route you ever take and trust me when I say it’s worth the risk. You just need to believe you can conquer it (and there’s no way you’ll fail). If you’re heart is set on something enough then bloody well go after it!

You know that palpable tension you can feel with someone when you both look at each other? You know one of you should look away but neither of you really want to. You can literally both feel how much sexual tension is there but neither of you can do anything about it. Well it’s worth taking the risk even just to see what can be made from that tension you can both feel!

Before a big storm, you can almost feel pressure building in the atmosphere, waiting for something to be unleashed and for the sky to make way for the surge of built up energy. And that’s what it’s like when you meet someone you have the right sexual chemistry with.

You’ll be able to feel something between the two of you that no one can see, but every time you catch each other’s eye you’ll feel it, the pressure building between you creating the impression that something impressive is going to happen, just like an electric storm.

You’ve found yourself dreaming about them and you can’t figure out why, well maybe because you know you want to see what would happen if you walk down life’s road with them rather than the one you’re currently on, so much so that now even your subconscious is dropping you subtle hints.

We’re not bought into the world to live our life without taking risks that could possibly turn out to be the best decisions we ever make, so don’t live with a load of ‘what if’s’ live a life full of ‘I tried’s because trying will always be better than never knowing.

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He’s an exemption not the rule

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So you know when you’re laid awake at night, not being able to stop thinking about that one guy who you keep running back to?

Please stop, because I can assure you he is not thinking about you, in fact you probably haven’t crossed his mind for a good few days. The mental energy that he’s stealing from you is wasted, you could be using it to do something positive, like meditation or researching a conspiracy theory, or literally ANYTHING that stops you thinking about the person you’re wasting your life on!

If you’ve got a guy who keeps running back to you as and when you want him even though you’re treating him like a convenience, then he’s the exemption to this kind of situation, not the rule.

While most of us girls lay heartbroken, wondering if we’ll ever get over the guy we know deserves none of our time and yet we would give him every second of it … he’ll be out shagging his way through Tinder, so let that sink in for a second. HE DOESN’T CARE.

Ironically, while us girls are getting over the guy we keep going back to, we normally manage to accidentally string someone along ourselves. This is where the 33% of guys come from who say they’d keep going back to a girl they know they shouldn’t, because the girls they’d go back to were emotionally unavailable and only wanted them 40% of the time, it’s like a half read chapter of a book, you go back to see if you can get to the end of it, it’s kept you curious.

We don’t mean to turn into the girls who could summon back a certain guy as and when we please, but we do also know when we have the ability to do it to certain guys in our contact lists (sorry not sorry) we’re aware that they want us because we’ve managed to remain a mystery to them, we gave enough to keep their interest but not enough for them to feel like they’ve had enough.

So if we’re aware of when we do this, don’t you think guys will be too? The one you keep running back to knows he can text you when he needs you (which is rarely) and you’ll always go to him, even though you wish you could say no. But seeing him on his terms is better than never seeing him at all, at least to you it is anyway.

So before the next time you run back to the guy you’re not over for the 10000th time, just take a second to remember that he knows what he’s doing, he knows he can draw you back in when he wants you and he’ll push you away again as soon as someone else new and interesting comes into the picture.

Any guy who says he’d run back to the same girl over and over even though he knows it will never go the way he wants, is a rarity and it’s because that girl has never totally been his, he’ll keep going back because she keeps spiking his interest even when he doesn’t want her to.

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What does that even mean?

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‘I feel like I could do better than you’ nine of the worst strung together words to ever fall out of someones mouth, especially when they’re saying them straight to your face. Ouch.

But I get it, we say as much as we can to try and divert how we really feel, our defence mechanisms come out in full force when our fight or flight reflexes are letting us down. You know you should run away from a situation that’s bad for you, but you’ve never known bad to feel so good. So you won’t go anywhere.

I have a real habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind me wherever I go, because once someone makes it onto my hit list, I’ll go after them with no regards to anything else around me, and I always get what I want. But it’s ok because that destructive path actually looks kind of pretty, it’s filled with passion, lust and physical desire. Some of the best things to feel for another person.

So what does it even mean, when you’re telling me one thing but I know you mean another. When I know your negative comments are being used as a deflective technique. It’s actually a very good psychological trick, but you won’t have known that. The more you think of something negatively the less you’ll want it, but you’ll have to spend quite a while trying to think of negative things to put you off of me, or shall I pretend not to know that?

When you go from thinking about something almost obsessively, it takes more than a few days to stop old habits. When you want something as bad as that, it’s going to take more than a few deflective words to actually trick your brain. But good luck, because I think you’ll need it.

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it’s ok to change your mind

When we were little and being asked if we want to draw with a red crayon or a blue crayon we didn’t get made to feel bad for picking one and then changing our mind halfway through and swapping to the other colour, or changing our mind completely and running off to play outside instead. So why, as adults when it comes to our love life, do we get made to feel like crap for changing our mind about people and situations?

I cannot reiterate this enough, BEING A HUMAN MEANS WE CAN CHANGE HOW WE THINK. Free will is a thing, if you hadn’t realised? But some people don’t, they get so uptight when you no longer want them, or to be in a situation with them that they’ll try and make you feel bad about it.

But here’s the thing, they’re only making you feel bad because they’re no longer the ‘chosen crayon‘ you don’t want to play with them anymore and unlike a crayon which has no feelings or emotion (obviously) they have the ability to kick up a fuss. You’ve changed your mind and don’t want them involved in your game anymore but CHOICE IS CHOICE so to be quite honest, they can just fuck off.

So you find someone at a bar and in the moment you look at them and find them attractive and you think ‘this ones coming home with me‘ one drink leads to another and when you actually get back to wherever it is with them (yours or theirs) it suddenly dawns on you … you actually don’t want them anymore, you’ve realised now that the environment has changed, so has your mood.

In a previous post i’ve mentioned ‘The Ick’ and how quickly it happens. It’s no ones fault, but it’s important to remember we can’t always control how we feel. We can’t help who we fall for and who we don’t. This isn’t something people should take personally because in my mind everyone is someones type. So if one person doesn’t fancy you, another one will.

So view people as crayons, decide on one, change your mind, try something different or don’t … pick a colour and decide that one’s your favorite. There are plenty of crayons in the box and they won’t all get upset and offended when they aren’t chosen.

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The resurrection of the Ex’s

 

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Do you ever look at one of your ex’s and think …. I don’t even recognise you?

If you feel like since you’ve left them (or they’ve left you) they’ve been reborn into some new person that you don’t even recognise, then you’re not alone. People change and sometimes that’s shitty, especially when they turn into a version of themselves they promised they never could be.

And now you’re just left standing there looking at your ex thinking did you die?! Did you die and a new spirit has taken over your body, because this is not who I remember, this is not who I was dating

Let’s just pause for a moment of reflection here though *sits starring into space for a brief moment contemplating life*, do you think you come across as the same person to your friends, family, work colleagues, people you meet in one off social situations etc? Answer to that is probably not …. so is it our ex’s fault if they now look like a version of themselves you’ve never seen before?

You fall in love with a version of someone that you view as perfect and flawless … and maybe to get you to love them they only showed parts of their personality that they knew you’d love, like a showreel of the best parts of themselves, but no one can hide their true selves forever and I think in part, it would be unreasonable to expect that.

When you break up with someone (or when they break up with you) they will change, that’s a given. They no longer have to be the version of them that was focused on making you happy/the version you loved.

I think sometimes a lot of people get back together after breaking up because each of you go back to being yourselves again and suddenly you see the version of that other person coming back that you fell for in the first place, not the adapted version they became to make you happy.

This is why I think it’s super important to be friends with someone before you start dating, because you’ve seen them in an unfiltered way prior to loving them.

However, as an alternative approach, some of us just wish our ex’s would get hit by a car when we break up, but it still leaves the question, what version of themselves will they resurrect as?

So maybe it’s best to leave our pasts dead and buried, but if they do come back, just keep an eye out for the red flags, because people are constantly showing us who they really are through their actions, but we just tend to pick and choose what we want to pay attention to, especially when we really like them.

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Try Not To Need Them

 

 

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Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

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There Are No First Date Rules

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As much as us millennials want to convince ourselves that there are specific steps we should take to make a first date successful, I just don’t believe that’s true.

Who says we have to kiss someone on a first date to let them know we’re interested? Or, if we decide we want to sleep with someone on a first date, why do we think this means they will never want to see us again?

No first date is the same and different things work for different people. Is it fair to tell someone, they shouldn’t immediately text at the end of a successful first date if they want to, because you think it will come across far too keen? Probably not, because maybe the person they’ve just been on a date with might be looking for some reassurance that everything went well and besides, any normal functioning human being likes to be told that they’ve made a good impression on someone they’re dating.

Ultimately, if you sleep with someone on a first date and they aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know you, the likelihood is you won’t hear from them again … we could refer to someone like this as a ‘player’ and if that’s the dating path they are walking, then thats just fine, but if its not the one you want to walk, I would suggest taking a different route!

Personally, I’m not very affectionate, so for me to kiss someone on a first date, it would have to be because there is some kind of palpable chemistry between us. But ultimately I’m more of a slow burner. Does this mean people think i’m not interested? Well, yes probably sometimes, but that’s normally only when I haven’t reassured them that I’ve enjoyed spending time with them.

I cannot stress enough how much there isn’t a set rule book everyone should follow! I remember one of my friends telling me about one of her dating disasters, on her first date with a guy she got so drunk that she was sick on the tube right next to him … logically we would all assume that this guy would never want to see her again right? WRONG. He messaged her the next day to set up date number two ….

My last relationship formed after a drunken one night stand and we stayed together for three years. But also, on the one occasion I went on a first date and slept with the guy on the same night, I ended up never seeing him again and I’m sure thats a very relatable situation to a lot of people.

Ultimately, on a first date, you do whatever you think feels right. You wanna get drunk, get drunk. You wanna snog their face off, you do it! You wanna steal their phone and tell their family you’re going to marry them …. probably don’t do that actually. But sometimes, things we think will put someone off, just doesn’t and things we think will keep someone interested, ultimately pushes them away.

So on your next first date, you do you and make sure that date finishes exactly the way you want it to (probably making a second one)!