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Monogamy, or not?

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Monogamy is a funny thing and nowadays it’s almost the norm to expect people to cheat.

Did you know the human race isn’t built to be monogamous anyway? It’s social conditioning, or maybe we’re all just really bad at sharing?

No I’m kidding, once something (sorry I mean someone) is mine, if anyone else comes for it, I go into some kind of enraged meltdown.

But the older I get, the more I’ve seen examples of how men just lack the skills to be monogamous, they can love someone to the ends of the earth, but when faced with temptation they will very rarely say no (I’m not going to consider that I could be the problem obviously)

Us women aren’t exactly innocent either, even some of my closest friends have trouble not window shopping even after bagging the man of their dreams.

It’s almost as if you get to a certain time frame within a relationship and can’t help but test the waters.

I find it very hard to relate to this, but I think that’s because I can’t focus my attention on more than one person at a time, when a guy has my attention they have it all. I think that’s maybe why I struggle so much when they aren’t the same. But it takes a very special individual to get my undivided attention like that.

On the other hand, I’ve had guys cheat on me and with me … so I’ve literally seen it from every angle.

So can we remain monogamous once we decide that someone is the one for us? Or should open relationships be more of a socially acceptable norm, some people are convinced that open relationships are actually the key to keeping two people together long term.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. Knowing the person I’m in bed with was touching someone else the way they touch me? Ugh no thanks, it makes my skin crawl!

But I do get it, I get the appeal.

Maybe not being locked down to one person to fulfil all of your needs is clever, you could absolutely adore the ground someone walks on, but sleeping with other people is what makes you appreciate them all the more?

I’m all for monogamy, unless the person I want is in a relationship …. then maybe I’ll overlook it, as it’s benefiting me (yep, narcissistic and awful I know, what can you do?)

All I can say really is good luck to the women out there who think their boyfriend or husband doesn’t have the ability to cheat, because he’s probably texting you telling you he misses you as he’s climbing out of bed with another woman, that he’s just spent all night having sex with and trust me when I say he didn’t miss you then (sorry not sorry)

And for everyone embracing an “open relationship” the only advice on this I can offer is to make sure you’re both aware that it’s open …

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Tinder is Dead

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Back when I was at university Tinder had just started to become a recognised ‘thing’, so we’re talking about 6 years or so ago (yes I know it’s been around longer than that) and back then, people who I went to uni with would use it as a hook up platform.

It wasn’t something you used to build a meaningful connection with someone, it was more of a ‘you out tonight’ kind of chat, but with someone who’s social circle you hadn’t quite penetrated (excuse the pun) in real life. So here you are, about to get ready to go on a piss up and you’ve already lined up your one night stand potential, someone who isn’t linked too closely to your group of friends for it to be awkward, but also it’s not a stranger danger type situation.

So now lets skip ahead to the grand old year of 2019 and still, my mindset about this dating app has not changed. If you want to try a dating app for genuine dating and getting to know someone, in my opinion, you do not use Tinder.

Tinder is a place where narcissistic tendencies go to thrive. It’s like a party hub for the countries most illegible singletons.

Ok, so lets pretend for a second that I’m being unfair. I’d be willing to give Tinder the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t know of one successful relationship that has come from Tinder and the word successful is really key here! I know of relationships that have formed, however they are not in any way shape or form the #relationshipgoals we see sprawled across Instagram and Facebook.

I don’t particularly want to be with someone who cuts me off from the life I’ve spent 25 years building for myself, I don’t want them to come in and try and change who I am and what I stand for and honestly, the only kind of Tinder relationship I’ve seen is exactly what I’ve outlined above.

I can’t be bothered to put on a fake smile for someone and sit across a table discussing my life and my career just to find out they’re actually there just to get into my knickers. If I wanted a quick shag with someone I think I’d put less effort in than that and pull someone on a night out, that way I don’t have to go through the painful explanation of how my ‘date’ went the next day when everyone asks.

I can’t say that Shelia in the office would be too impressed with hearing about the worst sex I’ve had in my life with a total stranger, who’s pictures showed them from a much more flattering angle than how they looked in real life. So not only was the sex awful, but you also had to try and only look at the left side of their face (their photogenic side).

Yeah I think I’d rather not ….

Whereas I think people just assume one night stands happen on a night out, no one asks for all the juicy gossip of how you got shit faced and threw up in your own shoe, so surely, you might as well add in a night of very forgettable sex to that and no one will ever be any the wiser!

Don’t get me wrong, online dating can be a really good place to meet your forever person (so I’ve heard) but Tinder …. well in my opinion Tinder is dead.

I think we need to start actually saying hello to each other in real life, yeah I know it’s scary, but apparently that’s how people met before technology came along and destroyed romantic ‘how we met’ stories.

Personally, I’d rather end up marrying someone I had a story with, maybe someones who’s been my best friend, or someone who I would never have met in normal circumstances but fate bought us together by chance and now here we are.

Most of us will tend to go back to a platform like Tinder because we like the feeling of knowing we could have anyone we wanted, it’s a feel good factor and big confidence boost seeing all the people who’ve liked you that you then choose to disregard 80% of just because you can. But honestly, Tinder is not a good place to find a rebound!

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The ‘ick’

Now I’ve got the ‘ick’ it isn’t going to go away.

I suddenly realised about 4 minutes into having sex with you that I really wasn’t into it, I felt like I’d made a mistake and I hadn’t felt like that before, at least not with you anyway.

You kissed me and I felt absolutely nothing, for once I didn’t want to rip your clothes off, normally I’d be dying to feel your body on me as soon as you touched me. But it was different this time.

But I done it anyway … I acted as if you kissing my neck and pulling my hair was turning me on, but i wasn’t sure it was and yet I still let it carry on, probably because I wanted to find out where my head was at.

I think I realised as soon as you kissed me that I didn’t like the way you tasted anymore, I didn’t want to run my nails across your back and through your hair. I realised I didn’t want you, I wanted him.

I this what using someone feels like? If it is, then it’s awful. How guys can do it with no second thought whatsoever I really don’t know.

Right then and there you were literally just a body to me, for that brief 5 minutes I didn’t even think of you as someone I’d known for years, I was looking at you as if I’d never have to see you again and that isn’t how I want to see my best friend.

Our movements were awkward and disjointed, I wonder if you felt what I felt. Is that why it was so bad? The connection we normally had just seemed to have disappeared.

Maybe you knew I wasn’t responding the way that I normally do.

Maybe it’s because a week ago you had me convincing your girlfriend you’re not cheating on her and now here we are again naked in your bed, but it’s not cheating right? No of course it isn’t.

Well you know what, now I’ve been put off there won’t be another time. Maybe now I feel like you’ve lost the respect you had for me this isn’t what I want.

Once us women get the ‘ick’ it doesn’t go away. It’s something that happens suddenly and sometimes for no reason at all, but once our head switches into ‘ick’ mode there’s no saving that (sorry guys)

Someone who we’ve been craving for weeks can suddenly seem like the most off putting outcome and we can’t do anything to change it.

The sexual chemistry has gone … but I’m talking like 1000 miles down the road kind of gone.

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The second time around

Falling for you the second time around is going to hurt even more.

It’s ok though, I’ve already prepared myself for it. So I feel like I’m ready to go through it all again. The first time I caught feelings for you was bad enough, but now I’ve managed to let myself fall back into bad habits.

I’m happy to let you be my latest bad habit, I kind of like that I know you’re giving me some unstable stability (yeah I know how contradicting that is) but talking to you keeps me focused, I feel like I know what I’m doing again. But I also know that you’re not going to be a permanent fixture.

Having you again means I don’t want to date. I feel physically put off when I’m having sex with other people and I guess that’s quite a big sign that my feelings for you are slowly creeping back again (at least I can see it happening this time)

The first time I started getting feelings for you it kind of caught me off guard, I didn’t expect to like someone the way I liked you. I was in a weird head space where getting attached to men made me feel physically sick.

We had sex after knowing each other for 24hrs and I was so drunk it all seems like a massive blur …. it seems quite a few of my relationships start this way (maybe I should address that) I didn’t want anything from you at that point, I enjoyed getting to know you and the sex was good but I didn’t want anything else. Then all of a sudden … that changed and I wanted everything from you.

So I’m prepared to let myself open up to you again, I won’t mind if it hurts. As soon as I see you I know I’m going to fall into your arms and everything you made me second guess about myself will fade away … and yeah, that’s fucked up.

Just know that I don’t need you, I just want you. And for me to want someone, that’s a big deal.

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22 Of The Sexiest Things Men Can say (according to women)

These may seem like such little things to you guys, but when we hear them …. they actually make us melt.

1. “Come here”

2. “Good girl” (With a certain look in his eye)

3. Anything he asks to do where my response can be “make me” – changes the tone of any conversation almost immediately

4. “I love the way you taste”

5. “I can tell you want me”

6. Using your actual name when they talk to you – there’s something so simple and so sexy about that

7. “Look at me” – in any kind of sexual situation

8. “I’ve been thinking about you all day”

9. “I can’t control myself around you” – knowing this made me feel like I had a lot of power

10. “Open your mouth” – not always in an inappropriate situation, but it sure changes the tone

11. “You’re mine, don’t forget that”

12. “Nobody understands your body like I do”

13. “I just want to feel you” – we both knew what that meant.

14. “Have you been good or bad” – either way, what happened after this was always fun

15. “Is there something wrong” (after he’d spent half an hour trying to turn me on in public)

16. “I want to be inside you”

17. “Shhhh” – when I’ve been making too much noise in bed.

18. “I need to see you” – it’s the word “need” that makes this so sexy

19. “Thinking about you is keeping me awake” – knowing he was in bed and turned on thinking about me made me want him like crazy

20. “Don’t cum” – That one ask made it 10x harder!

21. “You’re asking for trouble”

22. “I want you to know how beautiful you are”

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Attachment Theory

Theres this theory, about girls forming these instant attachments to people they sleep with and in part, for some women, I can say that that’s methodically untrue.

However, I’ve come to realise that for me, this most definitely IS true. I guess it’s why I’m so fussy with who I sleep with. I don’t like forming attachments, so therefore I’ll avoid the activity that makes me create them in the first place.

Makes sense I think?

I guess it also explains why I go a bit crazy for someone after I’ve slept with them, all of a sudden I’ll think I’m in love, even if I’ve just had the worst sex of my life, I’ll still be in love at the end of it, who knew that someone could fall in love in the space of 3 minutes! That, combined with the fact I have an inability to see more than one person at a time just leads to disaster!

I know a lot of my friends who will causally date a few people at once until one of them becomes official, but I can’t do that. I get blind sided by connections I build with someone  and to be honest, I don’t have enough of me to give to more than one person at a time (which I think is a good think for the guys who manage to get me into bed).

But you know what, us girls should really learn to stop putting ourselves down for “catching feelings” like ok, you didn’t want to have feelings for him, now all of a sudden after doing ‘the deed’ you feel like you love him. So what? It’s actually a primitive instinct … yes, I’ve looked into it, partly because I love psychology and partly. because I wanted to make sure there was a logical reason behind my crazy levels.

Back in the caveman days, people would have sex when they found their forever person, that person would be the one they made a home with, caught out food with, made a family with etc etc, you get the point …. so instinctively once we have sex with someone due to the chemicals that get released into our brain, we assume that this person is going to be who we’re with for the rest of our lives and not only that, but also help us build a life with them … I think that’s actually pretty cute!

So what if all this beating ourselves up over “getting too attached” is just going against what’s innately built into our heads? Some people say humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, but I disagree, we just need to embrace the way of the penguin and accept that it’s ok not to want someone to go anywhere once they’ve seen us naked …..

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Will Chemistry Fade?

Most of us, if we’ve been lucky enough, have had that one person in our lives …. the person that makes us feel like our skins on fire when they touch us (in a good way, not in a … I’m going to hell kind of way)

It’s that instant spark they ignite in us even when we wish they wouldn’t. But is that kind of chemistry something that can disappear?

Sexual chemistry isn’t something that’s just in our heads though, it’s backed up by science too! The scientific reasons behind being almost physically obsessed by someone aren’t as weird as you may think … Pheromones are one of the top factors behind sexual chemistry (ok, maybe it’s a bit weird). So potentially our sexual desires are being led by our noses?

In a way yes, but fortunately this is something our body judges on autopilot …. if we think someone smells good, then we most likely have sexual chemistry with them that’s beyond our control.

And this has really bought to my attention some memories that have stuck in my mind from when I was with the person that I had the most addictive chemistry with, that kind of confirms the idea of pheromones.

I remember when I used to wake up in the mornings next to him, I’d roll over and breath in the smell of his neck and kiss him gently. I guess science backs this up, but I always thought he smelt amazing, I’d want to keep my face buried in his neck all day and I always made sure I told him how incredible I thought he smelt.

I remember kissing him being addictive (something not backed up by science). Almost toxic, like poison seeping into my veins and I was willingly letting it. His touch would feel like it was searing into my skin. I know it’s deadly but I’d risk it anyway and I’d take that risk any time it was offered to me. Because even now I think it would be too hard to ignore.

I can’t help but wonder if that type of chemistry with someone will ever fade. Even if you haven’t seen that person for a few hours or a few years, maybe they’ll still have the ability to stir something up inside you that will make you want to rip their clothes off.

I’ve always thought having undeniable chemistry with someone has the potential to be quite a turbulent situation and that’s speaking from experience. Being so consumed by the chemistry you have with another person, definitely has the ability to cloud your judgement in any situation you find yourself in with them.

But if I saw him tomorrow, walking down the street. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way than as obsessed as I was all those years ago. Having someone ignite that kind of response in you is rare and you try and hold on to it so tight that most of the time that spark you have, just ends up burning you.

You find yourself so taken by them you want to spend every second you possibly can with them and only them. You don’t want to share them with anyone else around you. That’s when this becomes a problem …..

But what if you don’t care? Or what if you don’t care enough to pay attention?