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Breadcrumbing is not love

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Breadcrumbing, the latest trend sweeping across our dating lives.

But you know us modern day lovers, we have to label every action to justify why we weren’t good enough for someone, so here lays the reasoning behind the latest trend …. breadcrumbing.

The likelihood is, you’ve either been responsible of doing it or you’re constantly a victim of it if you dabble in online dating. Or, you have a habit of retreating back to an ex because they promised they’d be different this time.

Breadcrumbing is the newest form of ghosting but slightly more savage, so if you thought being ghosted sucked, you’re going to want to prepare yourself for this one.

The act of breadcrumbing is when someone is sending you just the right amount of flirty messages or empty promises without any real life action or commitment just to make sure you can keep them as a sideline option.

So let’s look at this from an online dating perspective. Think about the person who lands in your online dating inbox with a few smooth one liners and you’re thinking wow great, this one has looks and a personality, we could be onto a winner.

And it may be a bit premature of you, but in your head you’re already deleting all your dating apps and imagining what your insta posts will look like with them beside you, then they drop you the line you’ve been waiting for ‘We should definitely meet for a drink next week when you’re free‘ but what you don’t know is that this is the first of many breadcrumbs heading your way.

The next logical step is of course to trade numbers, and after that comes the exchange of flirty text messages back and forward for a few weeks, which of course is a nice welcome distraction for anyone. A new name and a new number feeding your little ego with lots of compliments.

Now cue the missed dates and the excuses. They’re ‘really’ sorry that they’ve had to cancel again but this project at work has kept them super late and they’re really annoyed they’re going to have to reschedule with you … again *eye roll*

But you’re a self respecting human being, two chances and that’s it, you don’t owe anything to someone you’ve never met, so you take the moral high ground, tell them it’s cool and not to worry about it because we all know these things can happen sometimes, but no messages that will encourage them to keep talking to you.

But a few weeks later here comes the next breadcrumb ‘hey stranger, how have you been doing, I know I still owe you a date, what are you up to on Friday after work?’ ugh, well I guess you can give them another chance right, you guys haven’t spoken in a few weeks but everyone gets busy with life right?

And so plans for the next date attempt commence.

The date comes around, you’ve been looking forward to it. Friday afternoon hits and you haven’t heard from them. But you’re pretty chilled, you wait until mid afternoon to check in, but guess what, you don’t get a reply …. until Sunday.

SUNDAY?! Your date was supposed to be on Friday …. ‘I’m so sorry about Friday, I’ve had a lot going on and it slipped my mind, but I’m gutted I missed out on finally seeing that gorgeous face in person’

And that right there is yet another breadcrumb they’ve tried to feed youYou know who likes breadcrumbs? Birds, and maybe ducks, but not people.

This breadcruming exchange will go on for as long as you keep replying, which will be for quite a while because who doesn’t love unprovoked attention and compliments from a total stranger, or from the person who once upon a time broke your heart? Well, us narcissistic millennials sure as hell love it!

Or if were looking at this from the ‘what we could expect to get from an ex‘ point of view, we could guess it would go something like this – After months of them not responding to the last message you sent in your previous exchange, all of a sudden you’ll look at your phone to see that they’ve sent you something like this ‘I was thinking about you at work today and how good your body feels, I need to see you this week it’s driving me crazy how much I want you. I’m missing us together‘ You get a little excited because subconsciously, this is the text you’ve been waiting for, the one you’ve wanted for months (since the last one they sent you) and this time, well this time you’re going to make sure you’re as available as possible for that dick head ex of yours who treats you like disposable underwear, you know the kind you get given in hospital? Yeah … that’s how bad this is, you’ve downgraded yourself to disposable underwear status.

And of course you exchange a few sexts back and forward, because you love hearing about all the things they say they’re going to do to you. But ultimately when it comes to actually seeing them, guess what? IT DOESNT HAPPEN! Because they’ve just fed you some breadcrumbs and f****d off.

I’m just hoping we can get over this sudden intolerance to gluten everyone seems to have because it seems we’re happy to let people feed us a lot of bread.

At least with ghosting you know you have to go cold turkey, like you’ve had lots of someone until they no longer want to give any of themselves to you and then it’s done, they leave your life and that’s that.

But breadcruming is the equivalent of someone saying ‘I don’t actually want you, I’m too busy with someone else right now, but I’ll keep you warm on the sidelines incase I decide I want to trade in for you at a later date, could be weeks, could be months, who knows, but if you could just wait there that would be great’

And I’m sure reading it out like that makes it sound bad, but I’m glad it sounds bad.

I hope it’s made you reconsider your self worth, or if you’re the person who’s responsible for breadcruming, I hope it’s made you realise how shitty it is!

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You’re not dating

I hate to break it to you, but what you’re doing is not dating.

What you’re doing is distracting yourself, and that’s ok, but it’s important to take a second to recognise the difference even it’s just for your own acceptance.

When you’re not ready to date with a purpose, you can use the time wisely to distract yourself until you are. Distract yourself from the person you’re trying to get over and heal from until all of a sudden you realise that you aren’t thinking about them every day, they aren’t infiltrating your dreams anymore and you’re no longer using them as a point of reference when you’re talking about your love life.

If it takes a new body every weekend to erase the person you’re getting over, then that’s totally fine. But please for the love of god … do not call that dating!

 Dating means opening up and actually letting another person get to know you … the good and the bad (scary I know, because that means you have to accept that other people might think you’re not perfect 100% of the time).

To be honest, a form of pretending to date is going to hang out with someone for the first time with the intention of sleeping with them, because let’s be honest, you’re not that bothered about spending time genuinely getting to know them and understanding what makes them tick if you’re already planning to get them naked halfway through your ‘date‘.

When you’re ready and in your own time, you’ll find someone who’s worth dating and I mean really dating. Someone who you’re excited to get to know more about and you don’t mind hanging out with on occasions where you don’t end up having sex, but you see each other just because you want to.

But until then, go through your list of people who you want to get to know physically but not mentally, you might as well have fun while you’re trying to block the void of space that your last relationship has left.

Just take a second to remember, when you talk about how your dating life is going so unsuccessfully, it’s probably because you’re not actually dating.

When you’re mentally ready to date someone you’ll find everything happening a lot easier, a connection will feel less forced and you’ll feel like you’ve come away from ‘dates’ with something more than just an orgasm.

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It’s ok to be scared

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It’s ok you know, to be scared of opening up to the possibility of someone being able to hurt you.

It’s ok to try and protect yourself in any way you know how, and actually it’s ok to sometimes take a step back and evaluate if you’re ready to give something your full attention or not. If the answer is no, then take comfort in knowing it’s ok to step away. But if the answer is yes, then you just need to get ready to ride the wave of uncertainty for a while.

Everyone will tell you how exciting those initial months are of dating someone, how the first parts are the most interesting, you’re finding out likes and dislikes, what’s ok and what’s not, things you have in common and things you’ll differ on opinion on and with that also comes the 10,000 opportunities the other person has to leave without even feeling slightly disheartened by it all, because in those early stages theres also no need to explain why you’ve done a disappearing act and theres no need to apologise for not giving someone a reason behind why you’ve decided they’re not for you anymore.

It’s ok to be scared of the moment that just as you’ve decided to give more, they’ve decided that they’re going to walk away.

It’s ok to feel nervous and worry that they’ll decide they don’t want you even though you want them.

It’s ok to get scared that they’ll be exactly like all the others and wonder off just as you want them to pull closer.

It’s ok to sometimes worry that you aren’t good enough, or that you aren’t brining enough to the table, we’re all human and sometimes we can over think things, but we shouldn’t be sacred of someone seeing us in a way that isn’t accurate, because if they do, then they aren’t the right person for you anyway.

But remember, in your initial exciting phase of dating, you have to remember you aren’t going to slot straight into priority number one on someones list, they aren’t going to know that you need a phone call at the end of each day to feel secure in your relationship or a few texts during the day from them saying they’re thinking of you and they miss you to make you feel like they’re still interested in you (they won’t know that you’re secretly needy AF), so instead of spending time fretting about it all, just embrace it and know that they’re getting to know you just as much as you’re getting to know them, it’s fine not to get everything right straight away!

One thing you shouldn’t be sacred of though, is ending up with the wrong person, because you’ll get a lot of people walk in (and sometimes out) of your life for reasons you can’t understand sometimes. So although you can be scared of getting your heart broken, don’t spend too long worrying about it. The one you’re supposed to end up with would never break your heart anyway.

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Limerence …. I’d rather not

 

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Limerence = being madly in love with someone, or borderline obsessed. Ultimately it’s something totally different to true love, which is calm and slow.

Being madly in love makes us well …. mad. It’s not an emotion that you should get used to feeling, when you start to fall for someone you tend to be crazy for them, but eventually you kind of want that to tone down and turn into true love, true love is what lasts forever, limerence is what creates obsession which is filled with a whirlwind of passion and no doubt a lot of sex (sounds fun so far).

While going through limerence we experience extreme highs (when they give us any kind of love or affection) and extreme lows (when they act off or seem distant we will automatically think it’s because of us) it can quite literally be a roller coaster of emotion, so watch out for whiplash!

All of a sudden you’ll notice that you’ve become hyper vigilant, constantly looking for signs that they love you, but with this also comes the hyper vigilance for signs that they don’t, if they frown, get upset, or angry, you’ll assume that it’s because of you. But this can even go to the extreme of physical manifestation, where you can feel physically sick if you think they’re pushing you away or being distant.

If you’re in limerence with someone and the person you feel it for is bad for you, well to put it nicely you’re kind of screwed, you won’t be able to see any of their bad elements, all the reasons why they might be wrong for you, don’t exist (at least in your mind anyway) and this is because of the halo effect, the halo effect is where the person we’re in limerence with can do nothing wrong, even if others around us are pointing out flaws in them, we can simply shrug it off or give justification for their behaviour, telling people around you that they don’t understand, or it’s only something minor that to you isn’t a big deal. YOU’RE LITERALLY BLIDSIDED.

All your friends and family could be screaming that this person isn’t right for you and they’re an awful person, but not to you, because all you can see are their good sides, this perfectly flawed individual who’s displaying very concerning behaviour, well to you .. you’ve never wanted approval and adoration from anyone as much as this in your whole entire life!

Being in limerence will make us all of a sudden want to change anything we can to make the subject of our affection happy, or at least make them happier to be with us, we will change our behaviour, maybe the way we dress, or even push away our circle of friends. You’ll happily bend over backwards to change things that if anyone else asked you to change, you’d shut them down with a solid no instantly. But limerence makes us do some crazy things!

Where you used to have certain standards for someone else’s behaviour towards you and how you want to be treated, that’s now gone. You don’t care, because if you can sacrifice all this just to feel love from the person you’re in limerence with, then you’ll do it, because that love they give you, well right now it’s like a drug and despite the fact you can get it from someone else, it will NEVER be the same as the feeling you get from being loved by that one damn person!

You’ll feel as though you can only ever be fulfilled and happy if that person loves you in the way you love them, you crave love and affection from them like a drug addict (not that I know what being a drug addict feels like, but if it’s anything like being in limerence with someone it must fucking suck)

Limerence is the definition of love and obsession, it’s intense, it will make you seem crazy and obsessive, it will make you sit around filled with desire to possess your person  for the rest of your lives, craving love and affection from them.

So why do we want the calm that is true love, vs the turbulent passion that is limerence?

True love can come in and bring our brains back to normal, we’re no longer obsessive and negatively impacting our own behaviour, where limerence can stump our creativity and growth, true love can help to bring it out in us. True love can help you grow as a person and create help you create forever life, because you’re able to focus on more than one thing at a time.

True love is what you want, but let’s be honest, limerence is fun and maybe just what we need sometimes. Even if the source of your total adoration fucks you over and fucks off.

 

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Ambition and compatibility

You’re on different paths, and your paths are steering away from each other, beautifully unsynced, never meant to join and run in harmony forever.

But that’s ok.

Who’d have thought that your biggest ‘what if’ would have been over someone you thought you wanted to spend your life with.

But that’s what happens when one person is driven to move forward and the other is content with being stagnant, going round in circles.

Whether we like it or not, levels of ambition are key to compatibility, you can’t have one person excelling forward while dragging someone with them kicking and screaming. You have to be willing to push each other forward as much as you can if you’re keen to be successful, support each other’s dreams and be willing to remind each other of how far you’ve both come.

On the other hand, there are people who are happy to reach a level in their life and then remain stagnant, you’ll think you’ve reached your highest point and you’re happy with where you are.

That’s fine, but that’s not what she’s like.

You admire her because she’s forever chasing after her ambitions, you watch her go after what she wants while you sit content, happy with exactly where you are and what you’re doing.

Your paths are different, and that’s ok. But ultimately that’s what will keep the two of you apart.

She’s scared of knowing what her forever looks like, maybe because she’s worried her forever won’t be the kind of person to make sure she keeps hold of her ambition and drive to constantly move forward and chase after what she wants, or maybe she’s scared because she’s seen what staying still can do to people.

So before you promise her forever, before you decide that you want to be her future, ask yourself if you can help make sure she remains determined and ambitious, will you let her stop excelling when she says that you’re now all she wants, or will you be there pushing her up towards her goals?

Remember, right now she doesn’t need you, she’s busy going after exactly what she wants. So if she wants you, that’s a privilege.

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Here’s to another failed lover

She was too much, too eccentric, too creative, too passionate.

Too good…..

When she spoke about her passions her eyes lit up, but when she spoke about you her soul was alight. And for you, that was too much.

All she wanted was for you to have her body, she wanted you to fuck her like you’d missed her after all those weeks apart. She wanted you to at least pretend to be as obsessed with her as she had been with you.

A woman filled with that much love and passion would have always been too good for you, a guy who is chasing after perfection but doesn’t know what it looks like.

I can’t give you what you want right now, I think it’s best we stop before we get carried away

What you should’ve told her is how you’re ready to invest in the idea of someone else who isn’t her, you’re ready to give someone else everything they want, but she didn’t quite make the cut, she couldn’t get to have you like that, ready to do anything for her.

So for one last night, pretend to want no one else but her, like you’ve managed to do so masterfully until now.

Hold her as though having anyone else in your arms would feel wrong, take control of her the way she loves. She’s spent weeks reminiscing about how strong you were when you pushed her against your kitchen wall, how quick you were to touch every inch of her body and how night went into day as you spent time making sure no one would ever make her feel the way you had.

Remind her how good it feels to be wanted by you, even if you know that after tonight, she’ll never know that feeling again.

In a few weeks you’ll be a distant memory and she’ll have found someone else to obsess over, someone else to fill position number four in her line up of love interests.

You were just one of her many failed lovers, but for the time you were in her life, you were the only one she craved attention from, the only one who’s affection felt like a drug. The only one she needed daily attention from to function.

But she was too good for you, and next week you’ll be replaced with someone new, someone better.

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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).