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Communicate With The Person You Love and care about

When you love someone, you need to learn how to communicate with them properly, that’s just facts. But you also need to learn to understand that how you communicate may be different to how they communicate.

You could be on the exact same page as your person but assume they feel differently than you do. You could be reading them completely wrong. You could be creating drama where none exists. You could be freaking out over a misunderstanding. However, if you had a simple conversation, then everything could be cleared up in a heartbeat, but in todays bat s**t crazy dating world, communication scares the crap out of us, which is kind of sad.

The honest truth is, When you love or care about someone, you should feel comfortable talking to about anything, even if it means it’s going to make you feel vulnerable.

You shouldn’t feel the need to tiptoe around them to avoid setting them off or because you’re scared that speaking up about how you feel is going to push them away. You should be confident that you can have a conversation with them about any topic, regardless of how intimate or awkward, and ultimately you guys will come out as an even stronger team. You have to trust your partner to treat your feelings, your thoughts, and your opinions with a certain level of respect. You have to believe they have your best interest at heart. And yes I know that sounds scary!

When you love someone, you need to remember that the way they express themselves might not mimic the way your exes or your family members express themselves.

Your partner is their own, individual person. You need to figure out how they prefer to discuss their emotions because some people are more vocal and others are more subtle, some are more open and others are more guarded. You need to figure out what works for the two of you as a couple, and that can take some time, at the start you might get things wrong but we need time to learn about the other person.

When you love someone, you don’t hold back anything, even when it’s scary and your putting your heart on the line.

You don’t keep secrets from them. You don’t leave out certain details because it’s easier than getting into a complex, complicated issue. You are completely transparent with them. You can’t pick and choose when to be honest to make scenarios suit you, if you’re in the right relationship you’ll feel like you can tell them anything and everything no matter what it is. You swear to remain honest, even when it could cause a ripple in your relationship, but you know you’re a team and will tackle issues together. You should value your partner too much to manipulate them, to fool them and twist situations to make sure you never have to tell them something you know they may not like. You would rather be real with them and work through whatever issues might arise.

When you love someone, you check in with them regularly.

You make sure nothing has gone wrong without you realising. You make sure they’re still feeling appreciated, loved, and confident about where your love story is heading. Instead of assuming everything is fine, you actually ask your partner where their head is at, and if something has been wrong, you take steps to fix it. You don’t talk without taking action. You follow through on what you say, make sure conversations never fall on deaf ears because that could cause as much damage as not talking. Actions always speak louder than words.

When you love someone, you don’t distance yourself from them emotionally. You don’t put up a wall, shutting them out. You don’t allow your fears from past experiences cloud your current relationship, even when you can feel yourself getting more emotionally vulnerable you speak up and tell them where you’re at and how you feel, even if you’re feeling scared.

You let them see every side of yourself, even the parts you like the least, the parts you try to hide from everyone else, because you know they aren’t going anywhere and they sure as hell won’t judge you or try and change you. You know you can trust them to stay even when you guys are facing tough times together, you know they aren’t going anywhere. You know being open and honest with them is only going to push you closer together, not wrench you further apart.

And that is why you should learn to communicate with the person you love or care about.

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The good the bad and the beautiful parts of dating a writer

As much as it sucks to admit, a writer either loves deeply or not at all. Writers are romantic, love is something writers usually write a lot about whether they’ve had a good or bad experience with it. But if you’ve dated them, don’t for a second thing you haven’t inspired something they’ve written.

But this is why you should give your heart to a writer, there will never be a shortage of words which they’ll use to express their love and devotion to you. And for a while (or maybe forever if you’re lucky) you’ll be their inspiration. They’ll play out the story of the two of you in so many ways you didn’t even realise were possible.

They’ll obsess over your details, taking in every inch of how you are and the way you do things, from the shape of your lips, the color of your eyes and I mean the real colour, the way your hair feels when they run their fingers through it, and how it sits when you’ve just got out the shower. They’ll notice the way you carry yourself in public, how you walk and even your complexion and how it changes when you get embarrassed.

They’ll notice every mannerism you have, and because of this they will be able to notice in explicit details when you’re happy, sad, angry or any time your mood slightly changes. You’ll be the inspiration for them to create stories that other people spend time reading about. Know that writers feel everything so deeply (sometimes too deeply). And, because of this, they’ll love you just as deeply, and sometimes this may come off strong but it’s just how they work.

A writer will fully commit to you even before you’ve asked them to. As picky as they are with their words, they’re also very picky with the people they choose to love. And when they find someone special, they’ll give every piece of themselves that they physically can. They’ll invest themselves in you and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives, or as long as you let them. They won’t hold back from giving you everything you need to make yourself as good as you can be.

A writer is a dreamer and will take you to places you’ve never been to, both physically and figuratively. They’re explorers and always looking for new experiences. They will sweep you off your feet and bring you into their fantasy world, to a place only a few have ever been allowed into. They will generate ideas and create scenarios that sometimes creep into their real life and leads to them being slightly over analytical when it comes to the person they care about.

A writer is passionate. They yearn for more out of life, and they love life in a way others don’t. They see life in a way others can’t. They experience life in a way others can’t, they use passion to fuel their writing and their life. The same way they are passionate about their life and work, the same way they will be passionate about you. They’ll offer you an intense level of passion, with them you’ll have found yourself with an unforgettable lover, someone who you will always say you have insane sexual chemistry with.

They’ll crave physical touch and they are happiest when laying next to you running their hands across your bare skin, taking in every inch of you, the way your muscles move and the shape of your back as you sleep, each freckle, scar and stunning imperfection that make you, you. And they’ll love every bit of it because it’s just more to take in.

A writer is full of emotions and any emotion they feel is felt at such a high intensity it sometimes makes them question their own judgement. They work with feelings, and they’ll be understanding of yours, always. You’ll never have to hide your emotions because they’ll know what you’re feeling even when you don’t utter a single word. They’ll be there for you when you’re feeling sad or down or even unable to process exactly what your emotions even mean. This is why you should give your heart to a writer because the ugly parts of you won’t make them love you any less, if anything, they’ll love you even more.

You should give your heart to a writer because there will always be more than what meets the eye with them, you’ll meet them and think they’re kind, but that will only be the top layer. You’ll soon come to realise they’re well-educated, empathetic and well-spoken. They’re observant and have a deep mind. They’re kind-hearted and will never judge you for feeling the way you do or expressing it in ways that aren’t conventional. They are rare.

You should give your heart to a writer because they’ll help you see how amazing you are. They’ll tell you every detail you want to know about yourself and will help you understand where you’ve gone wrong. You’ll soon be forced to realise things about yourself that you didn’t even pick up on. But they’ll make you realize that your flaws don’t even matter because they can look past them and see the real you. They want to make you love yourself even more.

You should give your heart to a writer if you want an oddly beautiful, passionate person in your life, who maybe feels things a little too much and who maybe loves a little too hard. But when they fall for you they won’t hold back. You’ll never have to question where you stand or if they want you.

Give your heart to a writer if you’re ready for love and I mean true love, something you’ll always look at with a sort of longing if you ever let it go.

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When they wanted you first

So many people ask the question “how do you get played by someone who wanted you first” and luckily for you, I’m here to help answer it.

It doesn’t matter how long your relationship was with this person, you’ve been left wondering where it all went wrong and how it went from them chasing you to them literally putting the breaks on and heading in the opposite direction.

So what changed between that initial chase at the start to where you are right now which I’m guessing is heartbroken and confused.

Let’s take a jump back to when the two of you first started dating, I’m going to assume they asked you out first? You probably checked your diary and decided to fit them in when it was most convenient for you. You’d have fit them in around your usual social plans, the time you usually spend with your friends or the time you spend doing whatever makes you happy. Whatever the case, you found time when it was convenient for you and when you could give them some time amongst your other priorities.

When you guys first started seeing each other you probably set some standards like ‘no last minute plans’ or something along those lines to keep them on their toes and to make them realise that when they want to spend time with you it can’t just be on a whim, you wanted them to make an effort and plan stuff with you.

But, without you even realising, as you started to like them more, your priorities and standards started to change.

You started factoring what you wanted to do around them rather than the other way around, when they wanted to see you last minute you’d jump at the chance. You lost value in your own time because you valued the time you spent with them above everything else.

So when you sit there wondering why they ghosted or played you when they wanted you first. Stop to have a think if this could be because you forgot the value of your own time and if you lost sight of the value of your own time, can you really be surprised if they did too?

They chased you in the first place because your time was desirable, you were busy and had lots going on. They knew that the time you gave them was valuable and they kept chasing after it, however when this changed and you started to give your time up at a drop of a hat, it made you seem less valuable and less chase worthy.

This kind of happens when we start to like someone, but we need to make sure we don’t let it happen too early on. We need to make sure they keep chasing our valuable time until they’ve earned a place in our lives when they shouldn’t have to keep chasing us. But until then, you need to remind them that if you’re giving them your time, you’re also giving them something that you can never get back, so they better make sure it’s worth it.

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When the unexpected punches you in the face

I bet you didn’t even realise that you’d feel like this, after having something taken away from you that you didn’t even know you wanted, or at least you didn’t know you wanted it right now.

Darling girl, it’s ok to admit how much it’s hurt you to have to get through this by yourself, not having anyone to hold you while you’re curled up in pain, which constantly wakes you up throughout the night. It’s ok to admit that it would have been easier to do it with him than without him, that doesn’t make you weak, it just makes you human.

I know you’ve spent days sitting there wondering what you did wrong, how you could have avoided creating the total and utter mess of a situation you’ve now found yourself in. If you’d have known, what would you have done differently, would you have looked at yourself in the mirror in a different way each morning? Would you have moved slower, eaten better, or even started meditation?

But hey, guess what? You didn’t know. And although you’ve already heard this from anyone around you that you’ve told, it really wasn’t your fault. This was just life’s way of saying ‘not right now’ and that may hurt, you may want to kick or scream or punch anything you can. But it doesn’t change what has happened.

Sometimes, life takes a choice away from you before you even knew that it was a possibility and maybe that’s because it knew you weren’t ready to make that choice yet.

Not all beautiful things are supposed to unfold how you imagine they will and it’s just because they’ve appeared at the wrong time.

Imagine it like this: a flower has accidentally decided to try and bloom in winter, instead of the harsh weather letting it come out and struggle through a phase it just wasn’t meant to see, the cold will kill it off before it even has a chance to suffer. That beautiful flower has been saved a load of unnecessary pain, Mother Nature just had to hold it back and say ‘now is not the time, one day not far from now you’ll blossom into something beautiful, but now just isn’t the time. The world isn’t ready for you yet’.

It’s okay to cry for the loss of something you didn’t even know you wanted, it’s okay to be hurt at the fact a decision was made out of your own hands, grieving for something you didn’t even know …. is understandable.

I know you feel like your body is fighting against you, the one thing you thought you had control over during a time of uncertainty now also feels like it’s betrayed you and let you down, and the worst part is, this crazy surge of emotions being fired up in your brain, is fighting for something that isn’t even there, making you question your own judgements and I know the confusion just makes you want to cry even more.

It’s ok to miss the idea of something you never even really had. It’s ok to hold on to a ‘what if’ even if it’s just for a while. You haven’t been given a set time to get over how something could have been if it had been left in your control.

So maybe this was life’s way of saying ‘not yet’ but this can also be your way of saying, ‘I’m happy to welcome unexpected events’ because life is crazy and beautiful and we make it what we want.

So when life throws yet another unexpected punch at you, just thrive in the fact that each day after is a day of healing. Things will get better and eventually you’ll be in the time when these things are supposed to happen for you.

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Here’s to all the ones we thought we’d never get over

This is for the one you thought would be etched into your heart forever. The one you sat and cried for over and over again. Or maybe you’re even still awake at stupid times in the middle of the night wishing you were waking up and seeing them laying next to you.

The reality is, missing someone is easy because it’s the part we have no control over. How we handle missing them is the hard part, do we let it consume everything we do, or do we own it and say to ourselves “it’s ok to feel like this for now”.

Its normal to miss someone when we genuinely have a connection with them. When we have a history with someone it doesn’t even matter how long the chapter was that they had in our lives, we’ll miss them. And that’s totally ok.

Sometimes when missing someone becomes hard it’s because we start to think of the scenarios, of how things could be different. What if we did something differently? Would everything change? The problem with “what if” is that we’ll never really get the answers we’re looking for because we can’t force or control the actions of others. We have no way to know how a person really feels or why they’re doing the things they do. All we can do is believe in what actions we see.

And the reality is, if they missed you too, they could do something about it. If they’re the one that walked away, they’re the one who knows what direction will also lead them back to you. Their “I miss you too’s” have as much sincerity as your mum telling you to “have fun” when you’re on your way to a party.

Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

So you know what’s going to make it easier to get over the one you never thought you’d get over? The lack of their actions meeting their words. Their inability to fight for you and show you just how much they want you in their lives.

Eventually you’ll realise you’ve found someone else who treats you better than they did. Who makes you feel more important than they did and who makes you feel like they want you to be a part of their lives every day.

It’s also ok if someone you’ve been with for months had a bigger impact on you than someone you’ve been with for years. There’s no rules and regulations for this kind of chaos. Missing someone is fine.

And although maybe right now you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t imagine not wishing they were next to you but trust me you will and that’s the day you’ll realise they didn’t fight for you the way they should have, they didn’t treat you like you were rare and something they should protect.

But that’s cool, because everything you gave to the wrong one will be worth traveling to the moon and back for to the right one.

So chin up, and lift a glass for the one you think or thought you’d never get over. Because you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.

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Here’s what I would have said

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If we’d have sat down and had the conversation that I wanted us to, so I could walk away from this feeling like I’ve had closure, because you’d have been able to look me in the eye and tell me why you did things the way that you did, here’s what you would have heard me say.

You’d have had a chance to listen to me tell you that I’ll never hate you, not even one bit. In fact, it makes me sad that you even think I could. There’s no malice here, I hope you find everything in life that makes you happy, I’ll always care about you and you deserve the best. I mean it.

I know for a while I was something that was making you happy, but then that changed and you know what, that’s ok. It’s ok to get rid of things that no longer serve a purpose in your life. You should be surrounded by things that help you develop and grow. I’m sad that I was no longer doing that for you. But it is what it is.

I hope you succeed in everything you set your mind to in life, and I hope that if you learnt anything from our relationship it was that above all else, honesty and communication between two people who care about each other is THE most important thing.

I’ve sat down numerous times and tried working out why you handle things the way you do, and I think I may understand now.

Your sensitive personality stops you from telling people you care about information that you think could hurt them, you don’t want to be able to see how your words are actually affecting them so your ability to deal with difficult conversations in person seems slightly insufficient.

But just know this, you’ll end up coming off as the bigger person in future if you can deal one fatal blow of shit information to someone face to face rather than tiptoeing around it and never actually getting it off of your chest.

Not wanting to hurt people is a lovely trait and it’s one of the reasons I respect you the way that I do. But for the love of god ….. understand that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind! You’re a good person with a bad communication style (no offence).

I want you to know that we’re not on bad terms, there’s no ‘he deserves whatever he gets’ mentality. None of that, that’s a game for children who can’t respect another persons decisions. I want you to be happy and I hope that in the future I’ll still be a part of your life to see you succeed and smash all your ambitions, not as a lover or a girlfriend, but this time as a friend who’s always in your corner encouraging you to keep going when you lose sight of what you want.

I think you’re pretty bloody special and you taught me some very valuable lessons that I’m glad I learnt from you and no one else. Like the fact that I’m calm and not crazy when I’m with the right person, or that you don’t have to constantly be naked with someone to get to know them (although the being naked part was very fun too).

Vulnerability comes from deep conversations over a Sunday morning brunch, or from doing face masks together and winding down from a days work, or even from leaving your comfort zone to do activities with them that there is no way you’d normally do, but you do it because it would make them happy.

So this is me, putting down in writing everything I would have told you if you’d have given me the chance.

I want you to know that respect you and your decisions way more than you’ll ever understand. I think you’re an amazing person who deserves all the happiness in the world and I’ll always care about you, no matter how much you’ve annoyed me, or put my back up.

You’d have understood that I’m not going to convince you of reasons why I’d be good wife material. Because I’m way too stubborn for that, b my eyes I’m either enough for someone or I’m not and someone is going to love what I am so much, they’ll never want to let it go. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not gutted that wasn’t you.

I’d have explained that honesty is my dealbreaker. Once I feel like someone hasn’t been honest with me I find walking away from a romantic situation pretty easy, if I feel like someone doesn’t respect me enough to be honest then I know I need to find someone else who does.

But amongst all of this, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope you’ll keep a place in your life for me just as I’ll always keen a place for you in mine.

Once all of the emotion fades we’ll be friends ….. eventually, right?

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How to show respect to your partner

When you think about what makes a relationship successful, your answers would probably be similar to others: chemistry, timing, sexual attraction.

But what about respect? Have you stopped to consider how important respect from your partner is to you?

That might be an extreme case, but I hear friends talk about doing the same sort of actions on smaller scales. Then they point fingers at what is going wrong in their relationship when, really, a finger should be pointed back at them.

Researchers found that people who felt more respect from their partner also felt more satisfied in the relationship.

Lack of respect in a relationship is more likely to erode at a relationship. It’s a vicious cycle that once you feel disrespected by a partner, you start to lose respect for them as well.

But a lot of actions of disrespect are so small they can easily go undetected. It can be as simple as a gesture or phrase that makes your partner feel like you don’t appreciate them.

The most common ways partners show disrespect are:

Calling your partner names. There’s never a just time to call someone an “idiot” or “crazy” Name-calling does no good for a relationship. All it achieves is making your partner feel distanced from you.

Criticizing them. This includes when you’re in front of your partner and also what you say about them to others. Disrespect doesn’t always happen in-person; bad-mouthing your partner when they’re not around is a sign you’re not on the same team.

Showing contempt through body language. This looks like rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, refusing to look at your partner, etc. They’re simple gestures but ones that create a barrier for healthy communication.

The bright side of all of this is, there are easy ways to show your partner respect. Aside from cutting out the above, try changing your behavior in these ways:

1. Accept that you both have different opinions/ways of doing things

If your goal in a relationship is to find someone you never disagree with, you’re going to be on that journey for the rest of your life.

No two people share the exact same views and opinions, and that’s not a bad thing. Being with someone that has opinions different from yours means you have a chance to widen your perspective and learn a bit about acceptance.

Instead of trying to make your partner see things your way, respect that you both see things differently, and that’s a beautiful thing. Let your partner be who they are.

2. Practice trusting

Respecting someone includes trusting them until they give you a reason not to.

But this is hard for people, especially when their trust has been broken in the past.After having experience with people who threaten to leave and lovers cheat, sometimes we become wary of giving our heart to someone new. And relationship experts say pin trust issues as being the most prevalent amongst couples.

Communicate with your partner your experience with trust. Take note of moments when your partner was there for you. Consider the beliefs you hold around romantic love and whether they’re logically based on your current relationship or not.

Creating trust with your partner is a process you can only do for someone you respect.

3. Listen to what they say

Actively listening to your partner is more than just the everyday listening people do. It involves actually hearing and understanding what the other person is saying.

When you actively listen, you’re telling your partner, “I very much care about what you’re conveying to me. I am here for you.”

All too often, people are so caught up in what they’ll say next, they don’t actually hear what their partner says. You might overstep their words or completely miss their point.

But actively listening strengthens relationships. Researchers have found that couples who felt heard by their partners also felt happier about their relationship.

So next time your partner wants to talk about something serious, sit down with them. Put away your phone. Make eye contact as they speak to you. Focus on exactly what they’re saying and ask questions if you don’t understand.

Respect your partner by giving them your undistracted time and attention.

4. Don’t play games

There’s a lot of reasons people play games. I used to because I felt insecure. I didn’t want to come off as eager, so I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to text first.

Whatever the reason, playing games is ultimately disrespectful and deeply hurtful to a relationship.

If a couple gets into a fight, one of them not texting the other person back does a few things: it prolongs the fight and doesn’t respect the time of the other person.

The same goes for other forms of playing games, like guilt-tripping, withholding affection, giving too much affection, etc.; they’re all going to cause you and your partner pain.

Instead, practice healthy communication. It not only shows respect to your partner, but you’ll be happier in the long run, too.

5. Validate your partner’s feelings

Don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings as “irrational” or “dramatic.”

What someone feels is what they feel, no matter if you agree. The fact is, when your partner is upset, they’re upset. And you telling them not to be isn’t going to help.

As psychologist Carl Rogers said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

That’s because when a person validates your feelings rather than dismissing them, they’re entering your world. They stay with you in the moment and try to see things from your perspective.

Respect how your partner feels by validating their feelings. Statements like, “I can see you’re upset” or “I understand why you’re mad” go a long way.

Respect is an easy thing to give that means a lot to someone, your partner included.

If you think your relationship lacks respect, start with changing your actions. Sometimes, we think we aren’t part of the problem, and most of the time, that’s not the case.

Your partner is most likely a top priority, so show them the above and beyond respect they deserve.