Graduate

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What I Wish I Could Tell You

I wish I could tell you everything.

Like how my heart breaks a little when you don’t kiss me every time you see me.

I wish I could tell you that I’m thinking about you when I’m with someone else, someone who doesn’t know me the way that you do.

I wish you knew I was trying to ignore how I feel about you. Part of me, deep down wishes I could tell you that I feel safe with you and very few people in my life make me feel that way.

I wish I could tell you how much I want to hear you say that I’m what you want after all. That I’m not too broken for you to only want sometimes.

I wish I wasn’t as hot headed so I didn’t get angry with you and constantly push you away when you tell me things I don’t want to hear.

I wish you knew that I loved the way you look at me just before you’re about to kiss me. Yeah I do pay attention to those stupid little things! I know it’s hard to believe when its coming from someone as cold as I am. But when I like someone I REALLY like them. You know that.

I wish you’d hug more often and tell me everything is going to be ok. You know how broken I am and I’m hoping if you hold me tight enough, I’ll just stick back together.

But most of all, I wish you knew all of it without me having to tell you.

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A Girls Quarter Life Crisis Thoughts

graduation-cap-gift-box

Why is everyone travelling apart from me? Maybe I shouldn’t have been career driven, maybe I should quit tomorrow and book a random flight? I could go to a jungle and live with the locals for a few months, gain some real life experience? No … That’s ridiculous how will I pay to get my nails done and have my hair colored, how could I live in a jungle with all the bugs? Maybe I’ll just stick to hotels, so that means I’ll need even more money if I don’t want to backpack … I better start looking for a better paid job right now! … Speaking of which, I could have sworn that I was guaranteed an entry level salary of n excess of £20,000??? What happened to that? I did not sign up for this whole no paid experience malarkey after getting myself into a study debt, I was promised the job of my dreams! Why is it still so hard??

I want to buy a dog, it will show how mature and in control of my life I am, but wait .. when I finally book a random flight to the middle of no where just like everyone else what will happen to the dog? I’m sure I can go back to rely on parents in a situation like this right? Speaking of which, I am two months into my monthly salary and it’s already all gone, I wonder if they will give me money for a couple of weeks? I just want my independence so bad!!

Why are all my friends living with their boyfriends, oh god … some of them even with their husbands! When did people start getting married and having babies this young?!! I couldn’t handle a child .. last week I killed a cactus! Right … I need to get on to Tinder this instant and find Mr. Right! Soon I’ll be 60 and a crazy cat lady! No one will speak to me and I’ll be forever alone …. I wonder what my single friends are doing this weekend, maybe we could go for a well needed night out in London and I can meet a mysterious tall dark handsome stranger at the bar .. but I am sooooo tired!! This week is almost up and my averagely paid job has drained all energy from me … ah .. my bank account is also saying no to a night out.

Why am I not using my university degree right now?? I paid so much for an education I am not even using, who told everyone this was a good idea!! I blame my parents and the government … because who else can I blame apart from authority? When I move into a place with Mr.Right how will I afford the rent … or furniture?? Oh god, we are going to have to make furniture from cardboard boxes and then somehow my lack of cooking skills is going to burn the house down… I can see it! Maybe I should invest in some culinary classes, I can meet new people and we can all drink red wine together because well … whats more adult than that! Maybe I’ll get an exotic fish tank instead of a dog, perhaps that gives off the same kind of adult vibes but makes you look like you earn loads of money at the same time?

Why oh why does it nearly take my whole monthly salary to get drunk these days? What happened to £1 shots? Those were the days … I wonder if I could find a new course to study and go back to uni for a while, put adulthood on pause again for a few years.

Maybe I need to go on a health kick, turn my life around … lose some of this uni weight! Stupid alcohol why did you make me gain those pounds?! .. That’s it, from tomorrow I am going on a juice cleanse, lots of people are doing those and the Instagram results look impressive … if only I had a booty as good as the girls I see on Instagram .. maybe I should chop all my hair off and dye it bleach blonde? New me, new start, new life! No … everyone knows I look like a potato with short hair … oh, going by the prices it appears I could get a trim if I wanted. That’s that then!

The Post Grad Rut

Being a post grad in a bit of a rut .. Not a fun feeling.
So many people expect you to run off and jump straight into the career of your dreams, but it just really isn’t that straight forward.
I don’t even really know what I want to do, I know what my degree is in, but it’s only now that I’ve left uni that I realise there’s a whole world out there full of so many career options.
Maybe I’ll even need to go and study again .. But maybe I won’t.
Maybe it will take me a year to figure out exactly what I want from life.
But what I do know is that it’s ok and totally normal for me to be thinking like this and for any newly graduated individuals to not have life totally sussed as soon as they get handed their qualification.
I know I have drive and I know I have ambition, so whatever I decide to do I know I will put everything I have into it.
But for right this second, making any kind of money is better than sitting around doing nothing at all.
If you’re flipping burgers, serving people who are more financially stable people than yourself their unreasonably priced drinks with exotic names that you’d never heard of before (especially considering you’ve been used to student drinks the last three or four years) just know that if you don’t want it to be forever then it won’t be.
You’re in control of your own density and don’t let anyone put you down because you aren’t doing exactly what they want you to be doing.

So here’s to us people who have absolutely no clue what so ever about where life is taking them, we’ll figure it out eventually.