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The Dating ‘Apocalypse’

You’ve probably heard of the “Dating Apocalypse,” and how it leaves every single person out there frustrated, confused, and discouraged. But it’s is a lie, dating is alive and well. Dating is THRIVING, which contributes to said singles’ frustration. It’s dating exclusively that’s the frustrating part , or at least in this city. And while London might be an on-steroids version of the “Dating Exclusively Apocalypse,” anywhere with apps and liberal values will be affected.

Let’s first take a look at all the reasons why the system is broken (note: this is a handy summary to share with grand/parents, colleagues, and anyone else who “can’t understand how [you’re] single!!!”. We’ll then all laugh nervously and discuss how to maintain sanity while partaking in the social experiment that is dating. in. 2017.

1. The “Paradox of Choice”
A decade ago, Psychologist Barry Schwartz gave a seminal TED talk on “The Paradox of Choice.” If you haven’t seen it, watch it. It’s still one of my favs. The gist: when we’re faced with too many options, we become paralyzed in our decision-making process. Should we actually make a choice, we end up feeling dissatisfied because we question whether we made the “right” one. For example, you go to buy a box of cereal and have 30 to choose from. Overwhelmed, you labor over which cereal to go home with, finally choosing the Cornflakes fifteen minutes later but stressed AF throughout the decision-making process. You get home and wonder if you should’ve chosen the Cheerios instead. The next morning you eat your bowl of Cornflakes skeptically, resentful to them for getting soggy faster or being less social at parties than you imagine a bowl of Cheerios would. And a couple days later when you pop into Tesco to pick up toothpaste (which also take 15 mins longer than it should), you pick up a box of Cheerios

Now replace “Cornflakes” with “David” and “Cheerios” with “Charles” and “the cereal aisle” with “Your relationships” and you understand the destructive effect of dating apps on commitment and satisfaction. AND imagine you could access the cereal in Germany or L.A. or Brazil as well (coughTindercough)!

Once upon a time, proximity was the primary way people met: we lived in the same building, ran in the same friend circle, or worked in the same office. Now, we not only have access to an endless supply of options in our city, we truly can date anywhere in the world. A weekend visit to Paris? Put it on points! That Aussie guy you met surfing in Bali? Skype sex!

2. Phantom daters in the online pool
If someone’s on an app, it means they’re committed to trying to find someone, right? Wrong. Apps are an emotionally unavailable person’s dream. You can titrate your vulnerability (yep, yours truly over here), seek distraction from your uncomfortable feelings, and instantly find reassurance of your desirability…then forget the app exists when you feel whole again. So for those of us who are frustrated because we don’t know where that girl we had that long talk about politics with disappeared to, or that guy we matched with who won’t respond, they’re probably still getting over their ex or are now busy with work or are seeing someone else or just aren’t that into you but wanted someone to talk to when they were feeling lonely that night.

These “phantom daters” create the intermittent reinforcement that keeps us mind-fucked and “dating defensively” (which I’ll explain shortly). We become conditioned to feel anxiety, distrust, and pessimism around dating because the “phantom dating” experience creates the illusion of connection–that inevitably unravels and leaves us a little more disconcertingly unfazed each time.

3. “Defensive Dating” out of uncertainty that actually perpetuates the cycle
The strategy is to date multiple people at once to protect oneself from the anxiety of “all your eggs in one basket” abandonment. We used to assume a mutually identified connection with someone meant things would progress. Now, because we have limitless understudies at our fingertips (literally), there’s no security in said connection; thus the defensive dating strategy diversifies our portfolios.

The problem with this strategy, though, is it perpetuates the cycle. Why? GRE refresher time! “If Megan is dating three people, and each man Megan is dating is dating two other women, how many people stand to get hurt should things progress to an exclusive place with any of the individuals involved?” And what does each rejected party take away from the experience? Anxiety, skepticism, guardedness, and… yep… more “defensive dating” as a way of navigating the minefield.

4. Other-oriented perfectionism (unrealistic expectations)
Because we’re a generation of individuals who’ve been taught to “never settle,” we’re all waiting for unicorns. We might meet someone with whom we have an amazing connection, similar values, and unbelievable sex, but their grammar isn’t perfect or they’re a terrible cook or they have an itsy-bitsy freckle next to their nose that you find suuuper distracting. Not only does this prevent deepening of the “situationship,” it has a boomerang-back-to-the-unlimited-supply-of-alternatives effect.

5. Dissolution of religion
Organized religion is so last century, and anxiety, divorce, and ambivalence about marriage are totes on-trend. Some studies actually show divorce rates are higher in Christian marriages than atheist ones, but that’s because you have to actually get married to get divorced (and atheist couples are less likely to get married than Christian ones). Religion is rarely the sole impetus to seeking an exclusive relationship, but there’s no denying its influence.
6. The liberation of women
I’m not complaining about this over here, but it’s worth mentioning. While the wage gap and many other forms of inequality are DEFINITELY STILL A THING, women are no longer forced to marry to survive. We’re now allowed to earn an income of our own, both legally and culturally, thus one major “need” to partner is now irrelevant. And this allows us to be choosier and less committal.

7. Children-of-divorce with resultant attachment issues and skepticism around relationship longevity/monogamy (I am a guilty party in this one)
The aforementioned dissolution of religion and liberation of women skyrocketed our parents’ divorce rates and produced a millennial generation of attachment issues, marital disenchantment, and relational skepticism. Not every child of divorce is going to be insecurely attached, and not every child from an in-tact family is going to be securely attached, but the correlation is real.

Well, this is bleak. What do we do about it?
Similar to the psychological struggles people bring into my office, knowing the “why” doesn’t necessarily equate to resolution. We can’t easily revert to a time when we didn’t have a date vending machine at our fingertips – to a time when people weren’t so disposable.

But there are a few things we can do. And trust me, I highlight these “best dating practices” to cultivate integrity in my own behavior alongside a call to action for my fellow singles. Self preservation-driven or not, it’s up to us to fix the broken system:

Make it clear on your profile and in-person whether or not you’re looking for a relationship in the near(ish) future. If you’re healing a broken heart or a workaholic or emotionally unavailable and not looking for anything “real” for another reason, no judgment, but be explicit about it. You’ll prob still attract a bunch of people on a mission to “change” you, but at least they’ve signed the waiver.

Recognize beyond a certain point, more choice=greater frustration and less satisfaction. Sure, you may wanna keep a couple prospects around in initial stages for comparison (and diversification) purposes, but after a few dates with someone with whom you see potential, stop swiping for everyone’s sake.

Accept that everyone has flaws. You’re looking to be with a human, and humans are imperfect. Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows there are times when you feel so annoyed or repulsed by your partner you can’t imagine ever having sex with them again (don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about). But remember the idea that you’re always going to want to tear each other’s clothes off or never need time apart is just another lie media tells us to believe we’re failing at life. So stop focusing on flaws and keeping yourself chronically dissatisfied.

Remember: It’s not you, it’s the system.
Accept that people will ghost you. They won’t always look like their pictures or be as witty as they were when they had several minutes to craft their banter. They’ll bail last-minute, take forever to respond to texts, and date multiple people unbeknownst to you. You will feel anxious, rejected, jealous, disappointed, and pissed off. But try. not. to take it. personally. None of this is about you, and we’re all experiencing the same shit-show.

Get therapy. Everyone should get therapy. Yes, usually none of this is about you, but we all try to heal our childhood wounds in our relationships. I, for example, tend to sabotage or run from things before they progress into a place of seriousness where I could hurt or be hurt.
I love to date seemingly unbreakable assholes on whom I’ll never fully rely, or “wounded” peeps by whom I feel needed and can trust will NEVER LEAVE ME.

When you experience the inevitable anxiety or rejection of dating, try not to react mindlessly (i.e. jumping back on the apps or throwing yourself into work). If we wake up to it, dating can actually be an opportunity for serious spiritual and emotional growth.
Taking advantage of these “opportunities for awakening” allows us to dig into some of our unresolved shit and practice different ways of coping with uncomfortable feelings (for example, self-compassion vs. numbing).We have the power to change the culture of dating, but in order to do so we have to learn how to wake up in these moments.

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Dealing With Poor Relationship Manners  


How do you deal with controlling, clingy, sadistic and selfish tendencies in people, without losing your own mind? How do you escape from conflict without victimizing yourself or turning into a monstrous mirror of the person who pushed all your buttons?
How do you remain pristine, unaffected and zen-like?
By being emotionally intelligent.
The importance of developing emotional intelligence has been grossly undervalued in our society, which prioritizes conventional notions of success. The result of this is a huge population of emotionally immature people who simply do not take responsibility for how they feel. They have not learned healthy coping mechanisms as children, which extends into adulthood and even old age.
As a result, they are not accountable for the consequences of their actions.
How can we learn to become more emotionally resilient, and develop a strong sense of integrity that is not dependent on external circumstances? By making our own decisions, and letting other people live with the consequences of their own.
Anyone can snap their fingers and retaliate, but it takes a rare strength to exhibit grace under pressure. Be calm, collected, polite and dignified. Sometimes people will instigate or provoke you on purpose even though they are at fault, so that they can turn it around and blame it on you. You are the only one who has power over your own mental and emotional health. Learn to be emotionally and mentally independent.
If a person is being manipulative, insidious or emotionally abusive, to get you to do what they want, then don’t get mad and play their game, simply call them out on it. If your ‘bae’ is telling you that he or she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or stands you up or doesn’t return calls, then give them what they want, and walk away.
Truly secure people don’t explain why they want respect; they simply remove their attention from those that don’t deserve it.
Most people are unable to talk with their actions, because they were simply not taught this as children. So surprise the little tantrum-throwing child in them, and let them bear the consequences.
If you don’t react to their volatile behavior, then it will hit a blank wall and ricochet right back to them. If you take a deep breath, simply state why you are displeased, and then disengage by communicating with your actions, this will get to them so-much-more than screaming, arguing, crying and convincing them to see your point of view. This is beneficial for the both of you as a valuable lesson. You learn to get comfortable saying no and develop stronger boundaries; and they learn to take responsibility for their own erratic actions.
The only way to escape this vicious cycle of action-reaction is to step out of the line of fire, and let them walk through it instead. If you let them walk through their own blazing inferno, they will realize that they are just as painfully human and prone to imperfections, and they will change. This is because they have been forced to solve their own problem, rather than expecting someone else to do it for them.
Everyone wants to change other people, and everyone’s ego keeps getting in the way. Instead, change your own approach, and give them the freedom to let them change themselves. If you don’t do this, you will have to suffer the consequences of their bad behavior, by your own bad decision of not making them responsible for it.
You will end up feeling like the dysfunctional, unstable and irrational one. You will be giving them a justifiable excuse to drag you into their emotional turmoil, and blame it all on you. Your self-esteem will suffer, and you will start to doubt your own sense of self-worth.
Don’t play a cheat at their lousy game. Leave them to it.

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You’ll Either Be Forever Or Never 

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What if we’re scared to start because it might never end? Timing is everything and it is also the one thing that we don’t have on our side right now.

Our hearts can make us do the craziest of things, but here I am … already crazy for you, but this isn’t something I can sit and endure by myself forever.

Falling for your, is something truly terrifying and I’m sat here only just about to admit it to myself. I’m trying to disengage from my head because it’s telling me to do things that my heart won’t agree with. It’s like I’m being pulled by strings that you’re in control of … But you have no idea.

It’s funny how everyone around you sees things before you pick up on them for yourself, do you know how many people have told me that you’re in love with me? I’ve lost count myself.

Is it wrong that all I want is to feel your lips on my neck again, I can’t help but think of it when I’m with you, I want to be close to you but we both know it isn’t a good idea.

I won’t sit here and wait for you to make your mind up. I’m going to carry on as normal, like we have done all this time, taking about pointless things and pretending not to have chemistry, as you lay on my sofa with me or while we’re watching films together … While you tell me I’m your type of girl and that I have a perfect body and that I deserve more than what anyone else has ever given to me before … But I want you to be the person who gives me everything.

Hurry up … Before our opportunity slips away again and before another three years slips away.

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Right Now 


You cannot choose who you love but you can decide on how you love them.  And you know how I think, me and you are meant to be together. You being with anyone else is just a waste of your time. 

We will find our way back to each other, once we have finished growing. 

I would do anything for you, but what if that’s wrong right now. I never thought It was possible to love you as much as I do. 

What we have is a great love, and no matter what we do or how much we fight it keeps pulling us back in because we know it’s not over and I can’t even sit here and pretend I don’t like being pulled in by you and us, we’re magnetic and I know you feel that too, every time we are together. 

All I’ve ever done is love you and no matter what stupid things we fought about I still always loved you and you told me you wouldn’t go anywhere. But you have. And as I’m sure you can see, I’m surviving without you being mine. People aren’t supposed to give up when things get hard but you did. 

I love you, I’m in love with you. And as much as I’ve tried to stop I can’t and I don’t want to. I never want to stop loving you. You are without a doubt the love of my life and I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else. 

I know you care about me and I know you love me, but you don’t want me enough to keep me to yourself. And I deserve better I’m sorry. 

I hope three months from now we can look back at this together and realise how crazy it all was because we have found our way back to each other after growing separately. I love you with all my heart and you are always supposed to be with me, just not right now. 

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My List Of Sorry’s .. Just For You 

Where do I begin ….

  1. I’m sorry I became less of myself, less of the girl you fell in love with.
  2. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
  3. I’m sorry I relied on you as my only source of happiness
  4. I’m sorry I drained you, I never meant to make you feel like that.
  5. I’m sorry you felt like you were responsible for making me happy .. I’ve realised it isn’t hard for me to do it myself
  6. I’m sorry I was selfish and I wanted you to myself all the time. That wasn’t fair of me.
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t let you grow as a person, but I already thought you were incredible.
  8. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured, I never wanted you to feel that making sure you were making me happy was pressure on you.
  9. I’m sorry I ultimatly put myself before you most of the time because I thought you were fine and I wasn’t.
  10. I’m sorry our relationship turned into something I was so reliant on, I should have been able to be rely on myself.
  11. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I was doing … Until now.
  12. I’m sorry if you felt like I was never happy, I just lost myself for a while.
  13. I’m sorry I forgot to be ambitious, all my focus was on us and I should have made more time for me so you could have had more time for you.
  14. I’m sorry I briefly lost sight of what truly mattered, us being happy together, but as two separate people.
  15. I’m sorry I was taking so much of your energy when you needed it yourself, I know it must have been exhausting.
  16. I’m sorry if you felt suffocated, I wanted you to feel like you can do what you wanted and still have me, but that isn’t something I could do.
  17. I’m sorry you lost yourself a little bit too because of me.
  18. I’m sorry I couldn’t have figured this out earlier and I had to have you push me away so I had time to think.
  19. I’m sorry I managed to become someone I never intended to be and I didn’t let myself take time to realise what was happening.
  20. But most of all, I’m sorry I’m still in love with you, but I’ll never be able to stop that.

 

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A Girls Quarter Life Crisis Thoughts

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Why is everyone travelling apart from me? Maybe I shouldn’t have been career driven, maybe I should quit tomorrow and book a random flight? I could go to a jungle and live with the locals for a few months, gain some real life experience? No … That’s ridiculous how will I pay to get my nails done and have my hair colored, how could I live in a jungle with all the bugs? Maybe I’ll just stick to hotels, so that means I’ll need even more money if I don’t want to backpack … I better start looking for a better paid job right now! … Speaking of which, I could have sworn that I was guaranteed an entry level salary of n excess of £20,000??? What happened to that? I did not sign up for this whole no paid experience malarkey after getting myself into a study debt, I was promised the job of my dreams! Why is it still so hard??

I want to buy a dog, it will show how mature and in control of my life I am, but wait .. when I finally book a random flight to the middle of no where just like everyone else what will happen to the dog? I’m sure I can go back to rely on parents in a situation like this right? Speaking of which, I am two months into my monthly salary and it’s already all gone, I wonder if they will give me money for a couple of weeks? I just want my independence so bad!!

Why are all my friends living with their boyfriends, oh god … some of them even with their husbands! When did people start getting married and having babies this young?!! I couldn’t handle a child .. last week I killed a cactus! Right … I need to get on to Tinder this instant and find Mr. Right! Soon I’ll be 60 and a crazy cat lady! No one will speak to me and I’ll be forever alone …. I wonder what my single friends are doing this weekend, maybe we could go for a well needed night out in London and I can meet a mysterious tall dark handsome stranger at the bar .. but I am sooooo tired!! This week is almost up and my averagely paid job has drained all energy from me … ah .. my bank account is also saying no to a night out.

Why am I not using my university degree right now?? I paid so much for an education I am not even using, who told everyone this was a good idea!! I blame my parents and the government … because who else can I blame apart from authority? When I move into a place with Mr.Right how will I afford the rent … or furniture?? Oh god, we are going to have to make furniture from cardboard boxes and then somehow my lack of cooking skills is going to burn the house down… I can see it! Maybe I should invest in some culinary classes, I can meet new people and we can all drink red wine together because well … whats more adult than that! Maybe I’ll get an exotic fish tank instead of a dog, perhaps that gives off the same kind of adult vibes but makes you look like you earn loads of money at the same time?

Why oh why does it nearly take my whole monthly salary to get drunk these days? What happened to £1 shots? Those were the days … I wonder if I could find a new course to study and go back to uni for a while, put adulthood on pause again for a few years.

Maybe I need to go on a health kick, turn my life around … lose some of this uni weight! Stupid alcohol why did you make me gain those pounds?! .. That’s it, from tomorrow I am going on a juice cleanse, lots of people are doing those and the Instagram results look impressive … if only I had a booty as good as the girls I see on Instagram .. maybe I should chop all my hair off and dye it bleach blonde? New me, new start, new life! No … everyone knows I look like a potato with short hair … oh, going by the prices it appears I could get a trim if I wanted. That’s that then!

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Your Relationship Should Be 60/60 Not 50/50

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Giving something 110 percent is a common expression, meaning your absolute maximum effort. It means going beyond 100 percent of your effort and giving that extra 10 percent.

When it comes to relationships, maximum effort is usually defined as the relationship being 50/50. This just means both people in the relationship are contributing equally to the level they feel like is ok.

Just because you’re contributing equally doesn’t mean it’s always enough though. Relationships, just like anything else important in life, require maximum effort. Many times, you just need to give that extra 10 percent. I believe successful relationships should be a 60/60 split effort. Relationships thrive when both people contribute as much as they can and go slightly above the levels of effort they’re used to.

Unbalanced relationships are hard and will rarely last. They usually stem from one person caring about the relationship more than the other. Often, we let things like love or infatuation cloud our vision and lead us to believe that it’s okay to carry the majority of the weight in the relationship when it’s not.

A healthy relationship shouldn’t be a one-way street. When two people care about each other, they are not burdened by being aware of carrying their own equal amount of weight. They understand things will not always be balanced perfectly, since some people’s best effort can be greater than others.

The 60/60 rule doesn’t necessarily mean the contributions are perfectly equal; it just means each person is giving it his or her all, plus that extra 10 percent.

A healthy relationship is a support system. For a support system to work, it needs to be a two-way street, hence the 60/60 rule. Both partners should establish themselves as supportive figures in each other’s lives. You should do your best to understand and support your partner’s dreams. Create dreams with your partner, in fact!

Sometimes, we’re able to be empathetic and see the world through our partners’ eyes, and we become frustrated when our partners see things differently. A support system requires both partners to do their best to reciprocate the support they receive from one another.

Not only is it important to support your partner’s dreams, but you should also push him or her to achieve accomplishments things they may not have been able to do on their own. You shouldn’t be with someone who just “makes you want to be a better person,” you should be with someone who empowers you to become that better person, who gives you the determination to push towards your goals because your ambitions are also his/her ambitions

When you’re in a relationship in which both you and your partner give the extra 10 percent, you’ll feel as though you can accomplish anything with his or her help, and he or she will feel the same way.

Hopefully when you and your partner come together, you feed off each other’s efforts and achieve much more together than you each would be able to achieve individually, especially by giving that extra 10%

Relationships don’t have to hold you back; if anything, they can help you move forward. Your partner’s support can be the reason for something great in your life and vice versa. When in a relationship, be sure to give it your all and don’t settle for anything less than your partner’s all either.

The Not So Typical Fairy Tale

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Not so long ago, in a not so honorable land lived a princess with a heart of ice. Everyone who met her would describe her as beautiful, but the princess had a. serious aversion to compliments. People would travel from near and far just to gaze into her piercing blue eyes and admire her long brown hair.

She was not the type of girl that took nonsense from anyone and would dismiss any of her subjects at a moments notice without any hesitation. People came from all across the land to try and melt her heart of ice. But she was far too stubborn and would not allow anyone to get close enough to try.

In the same dishonorable land lived a prince, who had subjects falling at his feet, this typical reaction may have been the result of his undeniable charm, his ability to sweet talk anyone who came across him, but he would never entertain their interest in him for very long, he became bored. None of them had the qualities he was looking for in his potential queen.

One day, a most dishonorable ball was held and the price and princess suddenly came to meet. The prince saw the princess and knew that if he used his famous charm on her he would have her falling at his feet like all the others in no time. But he did not know about the princesses famous heart of ice, something known about by everyone she chose to surround herself by.

Not having this knowledge did not help the prince and the princess dismissed him straight away, he did not understand why she was not like all the others, but what he did know was that he must have her attention, he knew from that moment he would persist until the princess gave him her heart.

Months went on, they did not see each other again for quite some time, the princess made sure their paths did not cross, she told all of those around her of how forward and expecting the prince had been. She was not going to let him attempt to melt her heart, he was not the one for her.

But yet as time went on, the charming prince kept on trying to break the princess down.
The next time they found themselves in each other’s company the princess was far more aware of how intrigued the prince was by her, so she chose to play this to her advantage. She planned to treat him like she did all the others, by keeping hold of him for a while and then dismissing him like everyone else who had been intrigued by her. On this particular night she decided to give him a … kiss.

Now the prince was confused, normally when any of the other women who fell for his charm gave him a …. kiss. He became bored, he no longer found them intriguing, he had now come to realise that the princess was different. He still had the inability to let her go, he could no longer stand how dismissive she was over him. He had to wear her down.
The princess did not like this when she found out his intentions, she did not want him to keep trying, she wanted him to let her go. She could not let someone who she met by sheer chance achieve such a momentous achievement. She could not stand the thought of the people around her seeing her any differently than the cold hearted princess she was happy being.

 

… Months later …..
The princess found herself confused.
The prince found himself confused.
Neither could understand how such a great impact had been caused on their lives by the other. They were surprised to find that they had fallen in love ….
The typical end to a not so typical fairy tale.
The pair had found that they needed each other all along, to turn them into better versions of themselves.
He had turned her into his queen and he was now her king. A meet that happened out of chance now meant that they had been able to escape their dishonourable kingdoms together.
The queen no longer had a heart that was made of ice, she had found that with the right tools, her king had managed to break her down. And the king realised that his queen was never someone who could have the ability to bore him, she was exciting and he found himself continuously entranced by her.
And so, from that point they have lived happily together, in a new kingdom. Built just for them, they didn’t need to be surrounded by people who adored them and fell at their feet. Because now they each other.

How To Define Prince Charming

Prince Charming definition – a suitor who fulfils the dreams of his beloved. The night in shining armour. He is who comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress. He must liberate her from an un sacred place.

Just a few combined descriptions I have found to explain Prince Charming.
But I can define him better.
He doesn’t need to rescue me, I’m not in distress. It is not his job to liberate me, but being with him is liberating enough.
There are no evil spells that I need to be saved from, nothing has made me weak, apart from him.
Apart from those gorgeous eyes that give me butterfly’s when he looks at me and his hair, it’s perfect, running my hands through it could be my favourite hobby.
He sees beauty in all my flaws and appreciates me entirely, he loves me even when i’m wrong and being stubborn.
The way he can make me feel protected and safe but can also turn my body into a weak quivering mess just by the slightest touch is more magical than any fairy tale.
He makes me feel beautiful, a power that no one has ever has before. I crave his presence, his touch and to feel his skin against mine. I want to feel how he’s breathing and how his heart racing for me.
He has a gift for making me feel intelligent, but will never hesitate to make silly jokes at my expense either. I don’t want this to be just any relationship, I want us to be best friends, I want us to be inseparable.

Now I think my description is far better than any stereotype and I can say without any hesitation that the position for my Prince Charming has been fulfilled way past my expectations.

Although, the ending to this will be no different to any fairy tale ending …. I hope.

How To Tell He Isn’t The One For You

 

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we have all had that moment, when we’re so wrapped up in a new romance that we fail to notice all the signs pointing to the fact that this won’t be forever, sometimes we need to take a step back and evaluate our relationship. You try and ignore all the flaws that your friends are pointing out because you’re trying so hard to pretend everything is perfect.

So what if he’s not Mr Right? How can you tell?

1. You Don’t Trust Him – Jealousy is healthy, but there are limits, you  should not constantly be wanting to check his social media for any potential competition, or inviting yourself on his boys nights out maybe there’s an issue, if you see him talking to other girls you should never jump to conclusions without talking about things first, look to see if anything warrants this distrust and if there is then this could be a big sign that things are not going to work out.

2. Always Trust Your Gut Instinct – If there’s something that isn’t sitting quite right with you, normally that little voice inside your head. Don’t jump into action to listen to this gut feeling straight away, but don’t ignore it either. Normally that back ground thought is there for a reason.

3. He Doesn’t Like Your Friends – As girls we are normally much more ourselves around our best friends than anyone else and if he doesn’t like you when your’e around your friends then I think this speaks for itself? He should like that you are involving him in plans you have with your friends because it means you want him involved in aspects outside of your alone time.

4. He Has A Forever Changing Attitude Towards You – If he seems a bit bipolar with you this is not good, if he loves you he should always love you, not swing from talking to you like you could be a total randomer to as if you’re the best thing to ever happen to him, the latter point should be how he talks to you constantly. If he jumps down your throat at uncalled for points then these kind of mood swings will never change and they will never be much fun for you to experience.

5. You Dread When He Drinks Around you – And by this I mean any amount of alcohol, because after one drink he turns into a total a**** hole that you would never normally give your time to on a night out, if he’s aggressive or rude that really isn’t something nice to be around and if he gets like this then i’m sure you’d be embarrassed to take him out with your friends as well.

6. He Won’t Listen To Issues You Bring Up – If you want to talk to him about things you aren’t happy with in your relationship you should never be worried to do so, you shouldn’t worry that talking about issues will push him away. He should be happy to talk to you about your relationship worries if it would help the both of you in the long run, if he does’t then the likelihood is he doesn’t have much respect for you or your relationship, every healthy relationship has its ups and downs, its how you get through them that will either make or break you as a couple.

7.  His Bad Habits Really Annoy You – Everyone has small habits that others won’t necessarily like, but if your’e starting to hate him because he bites his nails, maybe you should think if there are some other underlying issues that are making you back away.

8. He Doesn’t Want to Share Things With You – And i don’t mean food, I mean life experiences, he should want you at every big moment with him and you should want the same, but if he’s putting off introducing you to his family and not inviting you out to meet his friends, you should ask yourself why that is. He should want to show you off at every given opportunity not leave you at the sidelines for just when he wants some chill time.

Everyone is different in relationships, but if you can create a list in your head of why you shouldn’t be with someone then maybe that shouldn’t be ignored. Sometimes your friends can be the best people to go for advice because they can see things from an outsiders point of view, But the final evaluation of your relationship should always be down to you.