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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.

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Star Crossed Lovers

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Let me paint the scene for you …..

You’ve been seeing someone now for a few weeks, you’re getting on well. You’ve been learning lots about them and it all seems positive! You’re excited …. maybe this ones forever?!

You know you shouldn’t, but you do … I mean you have to right? You flick your laptop on, you put his name into your Facebook search bar and manage to find him instantly (obviously, who isn’t good at some light online stalking) but this isn’t about stalking through his past, finding all his ex’s or checking to see where he likes to hang out with his friends … no this is far more important. You click on his about tab, carefully scrolling through until you find that vital bit of information … got it!

So, October 1st …. that makes him a Libra.

Now the real analysis begins. Imagine if after all this time I find out that our star signs just aren’t compatible. GAME OVER!

Any girl who says she doesn’t do a star sign compatibility check on a guy she likes is a liar, we all do it, might as well shamelessly own up.

So, according to the ten various astrology sites that are now etched onto my browser history (could be worse) “a Taurus and a Libra are a bit of a wild card when it comes to compatibility, sometimes they work” … wait SOMETIMES? No, that’s not good enough, I’ll keep looking, the first ten could be confused.

“Taurus and Libra can end up seeming needy to one another, Taurus to Libra because of their emotional neediness and Libra to Taurus because of their physical one” 

Oh. well, I don’t class myself as being emotionally needy anyway so I’m sure it’s fine, I’ll read on.

“they are still two signs ruled by Venus and can be very attracted to each other”

Yes! Exactly, see I knew it would work out eventually.

“with enough patience they could be a really good fit”

Ok, well on that note I’ll have to bow out. Patience is not something I have. It was good while it lasted but it’s just not written in the stars for us.

*Unsubscribes from astrology weekly newsletter*

Next ….

 

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What I Wish I Could Tell You

I wish I could tell you everything.

Like how my heart breaks a little when you don’t kiss me every time you see me.

I wish I could tell you that I’m thinking about you when I’m with someone else, someone who doesn’t know me the way that you do.

I wish you knew I was trying to ignore how I feel about you. Part of me, deep down wishes I could tell you that I feel safe with you and very few people in my life make me feel that way.

I wish I could tell you how much I want to hear you say that I’m what you want after all. That I’m not too broken for you to only want sometimes.

I wish I wasn’t as hot headed so I didn’t get angry with you and constantly push you away when you tell me things I don’t want to hear.

I wish you knew that I loved the way you look at me just before you’re about to kiss me. Yeah I do pay attention to those stupid little things! I know it’s hard to believe when its coming from someone as cold as I am. But when I like someone I REALLY like them. You know that.

I wish you’d hug more often and tell me everything is going to be ok. You know how broken I am and I’m hoping if you hold me tight enough, I’ll just stick back together.

But most of all, I wish you knew all of it without me having to tell you.

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Ex’s and … Oh’s

 

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An oh … you know that sound you make at the front of the mouth and you can use it to show a wide range of emotions, like surprise, shock, regret, disappointment, resounding happiness at the outcome of a situation … I believe that’s a good enough list to show what I mean by a rage of emotions.

But Ex’s and Oh’s … now that really can be a WIDE rage of emotions, like, ‘oh, you mean he didn’t get hit by a car like I dreamed last night, thats a shame’ or ‘oh, holy s!?t we can actually be friends, without wanting to murder each other, or sleep with each other .. WIN’

Today I am writing about the second kind of ‘oh’ because I think theres only so much I can write about wanting some of my ex’s to get hit by a car *insert serious side eye face here for dramatic effect* giphy-3

So picture this, childhood sweethearts, never thought anything would tear them apart because they were all they ever needed and thats all that mattered! … Cue university annnnd growing up annnnd realising that if you were with the same person from the age of 15 to forever that you would probably end up murdering them by the time you were in your 30’s and suddenly the childhood sweethearts were no more. Add in a few drunken post break up shags and almost getting back together and the ‘oh’s’ are starting to sound more like awkward drawn out sudden realisation kind of sounds, you know the ones I mean right? Like the kind of ‘oh’ you say when you’ve caught on to a joke way later than you should have.

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Now we skip five years down the line and the childhood sweethearts actually enjoy talking to each other *shocked gasp sounds made here* but not in like a ‘we are going to get back together and it will be the most romantic story ever’ kind of way, more like a I’m genunily interested in what you are doing with your time these days type of vibe. So this ex’s oh … is more like a surprised kind of ‘oh’ as in … ‘oh, I didn’t realise we could ever genuinely be friends with each other, this is a nice turn of events’

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So this leads me to a question, surely all ex’s and their oh’s are different?

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He Just Doesn’t Want A Relationship … With You

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I hate to say this but … when someone says they don’t want to be in a relationship, what they mean is that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you. We tell people this white lie because it’s easier than saying “I like you enough to hang out and have sex, but not enough to emotionally invest in you.” We think to tell someone the raw truth would be cruel, even though the lie, in a lot of ways, is much more cruel and trust me I know because I’ve heard it!

The truth is, when we meet someone we are crazy about, we will try to make it work regardless of what is going on in our lives. It doesn’t matter if you meet during a one night stand, or date for several months before having sex – if two people click and want each other, it will happen. Besides, who wants to be with someone who is wishy-washy over you to begin with? I’m not saying you have to be head over heels immediately, but if someone isn’t passionate about you, they aren’t going to wake up one day suddenly burning for you. It also works in the opposite way, if your relationship has just broken down and you are desperately trying to hold on to that person who is ‘not in the right place to be in a relationship’ run …. seriously just run, because in reality they know exactly what they are doing, they want you enough to keep you around while they don’t have anyone else, but once the new shiny toy arrives you’ll be out the door!

If you want respect and emotional commitment from the person you are seeing, ask for it. If they don’t give it to you, leave. It’s not possible to “ruin” a relationship by having “the talk.” If someone is freaked out just talking about commitment, what makes you think they will be good at practicing it? Anyone worth their salt will want you even more; because nothing is sexier than a person who knows what they want and isn’t afraid to ask for it, and willing to walk away when they don’t get it.

The problem is that more often than not, we only hear what we want to, filtering out anything that doesn’t fit.

There is a saying that goes: when somebody tells you who they are, believe them. When I look back on all of the “almost” relationships I’ve had, the other person was clear (whether it was directly in their words or in their actions) about what they wanted. But I didn’t listen, because I wanted more and I wanted them to want more. We all want to believe we are irresistible, and it is hard to accept that someone might spend time with us, be intimate with us, and not fall madly in love with us.

When you like someone and they do not like you back with the same intensity, we view it as a personal failure, which we shouldn’t. The majority of your romantic entanglements will not work out. It’s possible to really be into someone, sometimes even love someone, and not be able to have a relationship because of compatibility issues. That’s what makes being in a relationship special to begin with; finding someone who you not only desire deeply but is compatible with you.

Why someone rejected being in a relationship with you doesn’t matter, because there is someone out there who will fall for you based on the exact same quality someone else rejected you for.

I know all of this is easier said than done. That sometimes it’s easier to be with someone even if it’s not in the way we want because it feels better than being alone. But remember that every moment you spend trying to chase a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one with you is time that could be spent meeting someone who does. That by not asking for what you want, you are just prolonging something that isn’t going to work out anyway. That the damage settling for less does to your self-esteem is far greater than heartbreak of rejection. When a someone says they don’t want to be in a relationship, they mean a relationship with you, and that’s okay.

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This One’s For You …. 

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I thought writing this down would make it easier … I was definitely wrong.

How am I even going to start this conversation?

I think I like you, but maybe more than that .. I’m pretty sure I genuinely have feelings for you and not the kind I ever thought I would. I never thought I would think about you and want you next to me, I miss you when I’m not with you but I know I can’t be with you and I know you’re trying to create some distance between us … that kind of sucks.

Do you remember that time when you got really drunk and I woke up to texts from you telling me that you loved me? I wonder if I still have those … I hope I do, I wish I was getting them from you now.

Are you as scared about the thought of being with me as I am with you? Because I’m terrified! And I don’t mean that in a horrible way, I mean it as in a way of … If we end up together I genuinely believe you’re going to be my forever person and that’s really scary!

I know I need to tell you how I feel before I end up totally fucking this up, I don’t want all of our ‘first time’ situations to be ruined because of them happening in the wrong way. I want everything between me and you to be memorable for all the right reasons.

You know how I HATE showing my feelings, I’ve never been one of theses openly emotional people, so I want you to know that when I tell you I like you that it has taken a lot of courage for me to do that! But I guess that kind of proves how serious I am

But you’re also one of my best friends and you’ve seen me through a lot of shit and that’s what makes this whole thing even more scary! Because I do not want to lose you, even though our friendship is already totally different, don’t think I don’t notice how you get when I talk about dating other people.

So this is for you, the guy im falling for, the guy I would fall apart without.

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The Three Kinds Of Love

Throughout our life, we keep falling in love and breaking up — sometimes only to get together again. Some people enter our orbit, others go away, making us experience dramatic emotional ups and downs we didn’t even think possible.

But psychologists say that a person can only genuinely fall in love three times. And each such experience, in its own way, is important and even necessary. I have to say …. I’m still waiting to experience the third.

1. The Fairy Tale Love


Quite often, our first love arrives when we are still very young. It seems to us the kind of feeling which we’ve been reading about in fairy tales. So we idealize it and believe that it is for life. At this point, we tend to do things our peers or family members expect us to do. We refuse to pay attention to small problems and are prepared to sacrifice our principles for the sake of our relationship because, deep down, we believe that everything is as it should be. The way our relationship looks on the outside is more important to us than what we really feel. The way our relationship looks on the outside is more important to us than what we really feel.

2. The Complicated love


The second love of our life is the most complicated. Confident that we’ve learned our lesson from previous experiences, we take care to choose a completely different type of partner. Or so we think. We’re likely to be manipulated, lied to, or even hurt. We cling to any opportunity to patch up our relationship, but each new attempt turns into an even bigger failure. It’s a real drama with only occasional moments of happiness. Once again, our true feelings get sidetracked in favor of something else — in this case, endless attempts to save an ailing relationship. Such love teaches us that it is important to be loved in return.

3. The Mature Love


The third love appears in our life when we’ve already given up waiting. It comes uncalled for and doesn’t seem to comply with our idea of what true love should be. It doesn’t appear to be perfect. But it’s a genuine relationship, characterized by a feeling of extraordinary ease — something that cannot be explained with words. At this stage in life, we no longer have any expectations. We don’t waste time thinking up qualities that the love of our life must possess. So we’re finally prepared to accept our partner for what he or she really is. And, just as importantly, our partner perceives us in exactly the same way. Such love teaches us to be real and that a relationship doesn’t need to be perfect.