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Limerence …. I’d rather not

 

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Limerence = being madly in love with someone, or borderline obsessed. Ultimately it’s something totally different to true love, which is calm and slow.

Being madly in love makes us well …. mad. It’s not an emotion that you should get used to feeling, when you start to fall for someone you tend to be crazy for them, but eventually you kind of want that to tone down and turn into true love, true love is what lasts forever, limerence is what creates obsession which is filled with a whirlwind of passion and no doubt a lot of sex (sounds fun so far).

While going through limerence we experience extreme highs (when they give us any kind of love or affection) and extreme lows (when they act off or seem distant we will automatically think it’s because of us) it can quite literally be a roller coaster of emotion, so watch out for whiplash!

All of a sudden you’ll notice that you’ve become hyper vigilant, constantly looking for signs that they love you, but with this also comes the hyper vigilance for signs that they don’t, if they frown, get upset, or angry, you’ll assume that it’s because of you. But this can even go to the extreme of physical manifestation, where you can feel physically sick if you think they’re pushing you away or being distant.

If you’re in limerence with someone and the person you feel it for is bad for you, well to put it nicely you’re kind of screwed, you won’t be able to see any of their bad elements, all the reasons why they might be wrong for you, don’t exist (at least in your mind anyway) and this is because of the halo effect, the halo effect is where the person we’re in limerence with can do nothing wrong, even if others around us are pointing out flaws in them, we can simply shrug it off or give justification for their behaviour, telling people around you that they don’t understand, or it’s only something minor that to you isn’t a big deal. YOU’RE LITERALLY BLIDSIDED.

All your friends and family could be screaming that this person isn’t right for you and they’re an awful person, but not to you, because all you can see are their good sides, this perfectly flawed individual who’s displaying very concerning behaviour, well to you .. you’ve never wanted approval and adoration from anyone as much as this in your whole entire life!

Being in limerence will make us all of a sudden want to change anything we can to make the subject of our affection happy, or at least make them happier to be with us, we will change our behaviour, maybe the way we dress, or even push away our circle of friends. You’ll happily bend over backwards to change things that if anyone else asked you to change, you’d shut them down with a solid no instantly. But limerence makes us do some crazy things!

Where you used to have certain standards for someone else’s behaviour towards you and how you want to be treated, that’s now gone. You don’t care, because if you can sacrifice all this just to feel love from the person you’re in limerence with, then you’ll do it, because that love they give you, well right now it’s like a drug and despite the fact you can get it from someone else, it will NEVER be the same as the feeling you get from being loved by that one damn person!

You’ll feel as though you can only ever be fulfilled and happy if that person loves you in the way you love them, you crave love and affection from them like a drug addict (not that I know what being a drug addict feels like, but if it’s anything like being in limerence with someone it must fucking suck)

Limerence is the definition of love and obsession, it’s intense, it will make you seem crazy and obsessive, it will make you sit around filled with desire to possess your person  for the rest of your lives, craving love and affection from them.

So why do we want the calm that is true love, vs the turbulent passion that is limerence?

True love can come in and bring our brains back to normal, we’re no longer obsessive and negatively impacting our own behaviour, where limerence can stump our creativity and growth, true love can help to bring it out in us. True love can help you grow as a person and create help you create forever life, because you’re able to focus on more than one thing at a time.

True love is what you want, but let’s be honest, limerence is fun and maybe just what we need sometimes. Even if the source of your total adoration fucks you over and fucks off.

 

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Here’s to another failed lover

She was too much, too eccentric, too creative, too passionate.

Too good…..

When she spoke about her passions her eyes lit up, but when she spoke about you her soul was alight. And for you, that was too much.

All she wanted was for you to have her body, she wanted you to fuck her like you’d missed her after all those weeks apart. She wanted you to at least pretend to be as obsessed with her as she had been with you.

A woman filled with that much love and passion would have always been too good for you, a guy who is chasing after perfection but doesn’t know what it looks like.

I can’t give you what you want right now, I think it’s best we stop before we get carried away

What you should’ve told her is how you’re ready to invest in the idea of someone else who isn’t her, you’re ready to give someone else everything they want, but she didn’t quite make the cut, she couldn’t get to have you like that, ready to do anything for her.

So for one last night, pretend to want no one else but her, like you’ve managed to do so masterfully until now.

Hold her as though having anyone else in your arms would feel wrong, take control of her the way she loves. She’s spent weeks reminiscing about how strong you were when you pushed her against your kitchen wall, how quick you were to touch every inch of her body and how night went into day as you spent time making sure no one would ever make her feel the way you had.

Remind her how good it feels to be wanted by you, even if you know that after tonight, she’ll never know that feeling again.

In a few weeks you’ll be a distant memory and she’ll have found someone else to obsess over, someone else to fill position number four in her line up of love interests.

You were just one of her many failed lovers, but for the time you were in her life, you were the only one she craved attention from, the only one who’s affection felt like a drug. The only one she needed daily attention from to function.

But she was too good for you, and next week you’ll be replaced with someone new, someone better.

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So he wants some space?

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Space … a funny word really because what is space, is it standing more than one foot apart from each other? Is it never being in the same room alone? Or maybe it’s avoiding conversation with someone completely.

So answer this, whats scary about getting too close? What’s the risk, you miss someone more than you want to? Or you fall for someone when you’re at a phase that’s making you try so hard to remain balanced, but you know what, life doesn’t care about our planned timings, not everything happens when it should do, but wouldn’t we get bored without a few hurdles?

Love is supposed to be messy, the best story beginnings never tend to start smoothly.

Most people ask for space to save their own feelings, they don’t want to get attached and ultimately the more time you spend with someone the more attached you begin to get.

Or maybe he want’s some space because he thinks you’re too much, now he knows he has you perhaps he’s realised he doesn’t want you like the thought he did and now wants some space to weigh up his other options? Ouch, quite a sour thought!

He probably doesn’t realise the space he’s so desperately trying to get is hurting you, he’s trying to protect himself but in the process he’s leaving you feeling confused and unwanted, two of the worst feelings in the world when it comes to matters concerning the heart!

Maybe you should grant him his space, let him pull away, sure there’s a risk that he won’t swing back to you, but if he doesn’t maybe you’re better off?

Or, an alternative idea, show him how much you like him, that this isn’t a phase, he doesn’t need to worry about you getting bored, you’re in it with him now and yes it’s scary but it’s worth the risk.

Maybe he has got other options he needs to weigh up, or other stuff he has to sort out (get rid of any baggage he can’t seem to leave behind) but who cares, you know that none of his other options are you, and he knows that as well.

Sometimes what we need is closest to us and we shouldn’t be trying to get space from the person we want the most just to protect ourselves.

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It actually isn’t him, it’s you!

How many hours have you pondered his thoughts? Wondering what he’s doing? Why he isn’t texting you, if he’s texting someone else, when he’s actually going to reach out.

How much time do you waste wondering what he may never tell you and what he’s thinking?How many minutes, staring at your screen trying to dissect every last text. Understand why he follows who he follows. Why he posts what he posts.

So. Many. Why’s.

While you’re sitting up late at night, wondering the thoughts of his brain you’re wasting time. Time you could spend on so many other people, and things. On people who actually follow through with their actions. People who continuously show you how much they care about you. But it still isn’t enough, if it isn’t coming from him, right?

How many minutes you have wasted on his thoughts, when you could have been doing something for you. Finally finishing that book you keep re-starting. Draw a bath. Grab a drink with an old friend. No. Instead he has wrapped his hands around your brain, once again. Once again, you are paralyzed by the idea of his ideas. By his thoughts, and your lack of knowledge.

And then just like that, you look at your phone and he’s reached out. Just like nothing ever happened, like no time has passed. Simply ready to strike up another conversation, like all is well in the world. And all is well. All has been well. But then you begin to think about all that time you wasted, when you could have been enjoying the moments you were in but instead you’ve spent all day distracted and closed off from everything. All this time wasted worrying about what his mind was thinking. Giving him all this power over you. All this power, he isn’t even aware he’s had!

The wasted time isn’t his fault though, he didn’t ask you to dissect his every move, he didn’t ask you to read into his Instagram posts, he didn’t ask for any of it. He didn’t even know it was happening, he literally had no idea! No idea that a day of not speaking would do this and drive you crazy. While you questioned where his mind was, he was living his life, just like you should have been.

He had no idea you were concerned because he was too busy minding his own business and getting on with his day, all while you wasted your own time. And let’s face it, you’d be too embarrassed to tell him the truth, that this small thing kept you up all night long, not hearing from him had left you wondering the unknown. Venting to your friends, about how you think this is just another loss another waste of time and almost feelings, chalking it up to yet another guy with commitment issues. And you were beginning to question if he’s even good enough for you anyway, or that maybe something’s just wrong with him.

When in all reality, it isn’t him, at all. He still likes you just as much as the day before. He is still interested, he still finds you cute, he still wants to follow through with those Friday night plans.

And of course he does why wouldn’t he? I mean look at you. He just had a bit of a day and you know what those days are like, yet you went crazy over it. It’s time to get out of your own head, but most importantly it’s time to get out of his head.

So seriously, stop getting in your own way with this crazy over thinking and constant questions!

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You’re just bored

We’ve all been there … I think.

You’re bored so you start giving someone attention when you really shouldn’t. You start flirting when you know you shouldn’t, but boredom brings out the worst in us sometimes!

You’re sat scrolling through your phone when suddenly you remember that person who’s always up for receiving your attention and you just can’t help yourself, before you know it, it’s happened you’ve sent the oh so boring “hey” text and then carry on scrolling through social media as if nothing ever happened.

Of course it’s only seconds until they reply, but they’ll always been a bit more keen, why wouldn’t they be when you’re always the one who decides when the conversation stops and starts … so their “hey” message also includes a smiley emoji, which of course, makes you cringe a bit inside.

You know you shouldn’t do it, but it’s so easy! All you want is some attention and this one person who you have no investment in what so ever will freely give it to you and expect nothing in return … which probably means they actually like you and here you are just being a bit of a dick about it, but as you’ve been told before, all is fair in love and war and in the game of modern day love, not a lot turns out to be fair!

All of a sudden you find yourself three weeks into some intense flirting game and you realise something …. you realise you’re no longer bored and you don’t want to bother anymore. Awkward.

The point is, maybe there’s something else we can do when we’re bored? Maybe we don’t have to start playing around with people. Maybe we can take up a hobby instead?

But this is like the good old back and forward exchange that normally happens when you’ve just broken up with someone. You know you don’t want them but you like the attention they give you, so you’ll just fish around until you get a bite from them.

I get it, we’re all human and sometimes we just need to have a compliment thrown our way or we just want to feel wanted.

But just make sure you can tell the difference between when you’re just bored … and when you’re actually into someone.

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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).

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What you should’ve said

If you had the guts, maybe you would have told him face to face, maybe if you weren’t so scared about putting your neck on the line you would have pulled him aside and told him everything and you wouldn’t have even given a second thought to the consequences?

But this is real life and it isn’t that simple.

When you’re worried about opening up to people you don’t tend to put your heart on the line.

Actions have consequences and words can stay with someone for a very long time, maybe if you could tell someone how you feel and then instantly wipe their memory it would make things easier?

So in this pretend scenario where you’re not a coward and you’re not scared to take things into your own hands, maybe this is what you would have told him:

Maybe you would have told him that being around him makes you happy, that waking up and knowing that you’re seeing him makes your day feel less heavy.

You could have told him that in the moment when he does things that are a bit unconventional you just end up fancying him more, things that other people find weird and make them describe him as an introvert actually make you wonder if he’s got a space for you in his closed off world that not many people make the cut into.

Maybe you’d have said that if you were make him laugh every day then you would, because his laugh is infectious and makes you smile in a way that very few other things do.

Maybe you could have told him that he shouldn’t ignore how he feels about you because you feel exactly the same and what he’s tried to shrug off as a meaningless crush is actually deeper than that, even if he tries to convince himself it isn’t.

You could’ve said that when you see his name pop up on your phone first thing in the morning and as soon as you finish work, it makes you almost miss seeing his face because when he texts you stupid things that make you laugh you wish you could see the facial expressions he’s pulling, because his overly expressive face just makes everything seem even more funny.

You should have told him you liked him, but maybe it was more than that. You should have told him that you can feel electricity when you’re in touching distance of him, you should have told him that you can stop thinking about him grabbing your waist and kissing your neck, that after that one time it’s all you’ve been able to think about ever since and maybe that’s fuc**d up! Or maybe this is just what totally undiluted lust feels like?

Maybe you would’ve said that he’s not your type and that’s why this is so confusing for you because your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another, but sometimes people are so similar it’s scary.

You could’ve told him that no one understands the controversial opinions you have like he does and no one listens to them while sharing similar opinions like him, no one gets it quite like he does.

Maybe you should’ve told him that you understand that the timing is wrong and that you’ve crossed paths at the worst point in both your lives, but you really hope that your paths cross again in the future.

There’s a lot you would’ve told him if you’d had the guts …. but you didn’t.

And now you’ll just have to hold on to your “what if” and the hope that this isn’t the end of it.