Attitude

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I’m Just Chaos In A Pretty Wrapper

I think to the people I choose to love I come off rather intense sometimes. That doesn’t bother me … I like giving my all to something when I choose to.

Do you remember one of the first nights we went out together?

I made sure you lost me in the crowd of people in that club and when you found me you caught me playfully laughing and flirting with a stranger. Yet, I still went home with you. It was just a game. You laughed about pulling me off another man and taking me home to make sure I was safe and out of anyone else’s reach. It didn’t bother you that I tried to test you. I wanted to see if you could handle my wild side, the side that wants to be wanted by everyone.

I’m a mess and you saw that right away, but you still told me all the sweet things I loved to hear you say. You still held me tight,even when I tried to push you away. You still made an effort to get to know me from the inside out. You tried.

I can admit that sometimes I come off strong, but I’d never felt such intense feelings for someone so quickly. I don’t blame you for being afraid either. After all … I don’t know how to love conventionally how most people do, love should be calm … or so I’ve been told. So, when I fall for someone I tend to get a bit reckless. I scare them away with my chaos.

I wanted to love you because you touched me in ways no one else has and somehow your saw through my layers. You started to peeled them back but I think you were afraid of what you saw when you did.

I knew this all along and tried so hard to hide the fact I saw you get scared, because I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle me telling you. People don’t go searching for disaster. They get stuck with it and will try and hard as possible to avoid it, I would have been disastrous for you.

I wanted to calm down to be less of me for you and I tried. But soon I realised that trying to do this only built up the chaos in my heart even more. I couldn’t contain it, which is too bad because I wanted so badly to love you in the way you wanted me to. I just don’t think that it was ever possible for me. I couldn’t love you calmly.

I can only love chaotically. I can only love passionately, ferociously and there is always damage left behind after I do so. You could tell right away. It’s why you took a few steps back.

You told me you couldn’t be in a relationship, but I knew it was just me you couldn’t be with. I know I was too much for you. I know that you were scared to love me, because my feelings were intense and I can’t do anything half heartedly, I enjoyed being obsessed with you.

I get it … I suppose. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

Besides, I have found love before. I have been loved with the same intensity I give to others. He met me in the middle of my chaos and although it ended in a ball of flames, I know that it was the most real love I’ve ever felt. I know that I can be loved, just not by someone who isn’t strong enough to do so, or someone that is scared to love intensely.

I can be a disaster, like a walking tornado or a fire that no one can put out. I’m happy to be the center of attention in the middle of a crowded dance floor. The thing is, you saw this and part of you wanted to experience what I could give, but only the good parts. You only took what you wanted and left behind the parts that seemed like too much for you to handle at times.

But, you don’t get to choose which parts to love of someone. You don’t get to take away pieces, enjoy them, and run off with them when you feel like you can’t handle someone for who they are completely.

So, I’m taking my mess somewhere else. I’m freeing myself of the box you made for me because there’s someone who will see it all and want it all. They’ll get exited by the chaos and want to be in the middle of it to experience it all.

I know that sometimes I can be a little too crazy, but some people see that and crave the experience of my presence, all of it. I will only give it to them if I know they’ll be able to handle it. I will only allow those who are strong enough to be next to me in life and to enter my heart. What’s the point of pretending to be less of myself?

So, I’m walking away and I’m taking everything with me, the chaos and the calm.

You don’t get to take one part of me and leave the rest behind. You get all of me or nothing at all. So I suggest you find someone who can be less of everything for you …. someone who you can handle.

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I’ve Fallen In Love With My Possibilities

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When you finally realise you don’t need to be in love with a person to be happy with yourself it’s genuinely the best feeling in the world, not relying on anyone else for your own happiness is amazing! I’m back to feeling confident without relying on someones compliments. So what happens when you fall in love with your career rather than a person …

1. You gain more perspective.

Your view of the world drastically changes. All of a sudden your world isn’t gray anymore. It’s more vivid and bright. Your world is now full of new opportunities and experiences. Your world becomes your oyster.

2. You become more independent.

You start to learn how to navigate your own life, in your own terms. You start learning how to do more by yourself, without asking for help. You become fiercely independent and responsible, without worrying about a significant other.

3. Your friendships grow stronger.

Because you have more time now (aside from your career), you value your friendships more. You learn how to spend your time wisely and choose to hang with your friends during free hours of your day. Your friendships start to blossom and grow more than ever before.

4. You gain self-love.

You have time by yourself now and as a result, you focus more on what makes you happy. You start to take better care of yourself and in time, will gain more self respect and love for your heart.

5. You start appreciating the little things.

You appreciate your friends more, your family more and find yourself growing genuinely more happy. You start growing more thankful as the days pass, happy your career is blooming and not having to worry about a relationship status.

6. Your goals drastically change.

Your goals change from finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend to excelling at your career. Your goals from years ago seems childish and amateur now. Now, you can focus on yourself and your success without anyone weighing you down. You become to driver of your own life.

7. You put yourself first.

You now have learned not to settle for anything less than what you deserve. You know your worth now, and you don’t need validation from anyone else. You make sure you don’t get taken advantage of, and always speak up for yourself.

8. You become less stressed.

Before you were too focused on your relationships and problems in your love life. Now, because you are single, you only worry about yourself and your career. You feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders because you don’t have to worry about anyone else now.

9. You start enjoying alone time.

You don’t feel lonely when you spend time alone now. You crave solitude and totally enjoy nights in, spent alone. You’ve learned that you don’t need another person to make you feel full or whole. You don’t need to fill a void.

11. You learn more about yourself than ever before.

You learn about what makes your heart fill with joy. You learn more about what you need and don’t need in your life and in a relationship too. You learn that you by yourself, is good enough. You learn that your time is important, and you’ve learned to accept yourself for who you are now. You finally learn that you’re worth something. And you don’t need somebody to see that

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My List Of Sorry’s .. Just For You 

Where do I begin ….

  1. I’m sorry I became less of myself, less of the girl you fell in love with.
  2. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
  3. I’m sorry I relied on you as my only source of happiness
  4. I’m sorry I drained you, I never meant to make you feel like that.
  5. I’m sorry you felt like you were responsible for making me happy .. I’ve realised it isn’t hard for me to do it myself
  6. I’m sorry I was selfish and I wanted you to myself all the time. That wasn’t fair of me.
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t let you grow as a person, but I already thought you were incredible.
  8. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured, I never wanted you to feel that making sure you were making me happy was pressure on you.
  9. I’m sorry I ultimatly put myself before you most of the time because I thought you were fine and I wasn’t.
  10. I’m sorry our relationship turned into something I was so reliant on, I should have been able to be rely on myself.
  11. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I was doing … Until now.
  12. I’m sorry if you felt like I was never happy, I just lost myself for a while.
  13. I’m sorry I forgot to be ambitious, all my focus was on us and I should have made more time for me so you could have had more time for you.
  14. I’m sorry I briefly lost sight of what truly mattered, us being happy together, but as two separate people.
  15. I’m sorry I was taking so much of your energy when you needed it yourself, I know it must have been exhausting.
  16. I’m sorry if you felt suffocated, I wanted you to feel like you can do what you wanted and still have me, but that isn’t something I could do.
  17. I’m sorry you lost yourself a little bit too because of me.
  18. I’m sorry I couldn’t have figured this out earlier and I had to have you push me away so I had time to think.
  19. I’m sorry I managed to become someone I never intended to be and I didn’t let myself take time to realise what was happening.
  20. But most of all, I’m sorry I’m still in love with you, but I’ll never be able to stop that.

 

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Overcoming Jealousy

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I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me  a lot more …

The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.

The Stages of Jealousy:

  • When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
  • You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
  • This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
  • As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
  • You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
  • You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.

Low Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
  • You constantly need reassurance.
  • You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
  • You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.

High Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
  • You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
  • You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
  • You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.

My Problem is …

I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.

TIP: I’ve signed up to #MarkTyrrell’s Pyschology course to help deal with my jealousy and anger within my relationship.

Is Stubbornness My Defence Mechanism?

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I can openly admit to being a stubborn person. I feel the need to protect my opinions and my thoughts at all costs and not only this, when I am wrong admitting it seems to actually hurt my soul.
But be warned, being stubborn can ruin chances for you and it can also ruin relationships.

Try as I might to be open-minded and reasonable, I find it hard to take criticism. On an intellectual level, I understand there is no animosity from the individual who gives me constructive feedback, but I can’t help but experience an emotional reaction to it anyway, this brings me to the conclusion of my stubbornness just hiding my defensiveness.

Stubborn people are driven by a resistance to being forced into doing or experiencing anything against their will. I don’t want to go through the emotions I feel when I’m being criticised , so I make an excuse, and tell myself that I can’t be wrong and don’t need to change.

But I’ve figured something out …. the best way to reduce defensiveness in the long term is through creating a sense of self-worth. The more you value yourself, the less you will feel an instinctual “need” to protect your ego and I know I can say for sure that I always feel a need to protect myself.

But I’m trying to remember everyone makes mistakes, and everyone is wrong sometimes and when I find myself in situations where I am being stubborn or defensive unnecessarily then I need to remind myself it is ok to be wrong.

Listening to others side of the story of other opinions is very important. And listening is something I will find hard especially when I know it is going to lead to criticism.

Stubbornness and defensiveness are some of the worst, personality traits to have, yet they seem to be incredibly common. In fact, everyone experiences at least occasional instances of each (some people more than others) and I can openly admit to being one of these people.

But it’s something that can be worked on and I personally will be focusing on trying to better myself by reducing my shut down method of dealing with criticism.