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The importance of love languages

First question, do you know your love language? If you do …. does the person you’re dating know your love language? Because this is weirdly quite important to a relationship and let me explain why.

Your love language is how you like to receive affection from another person, for example if your top love language is words of affirmation, someone telling you how proud of you they are and being there to give you verbal support will be what makes you fall for them, a love language is literally the way you communicate love.

If your love language list looks the same as the person you’re dating (which is quite rare) then thats a pretty easy ride because it means you both want to give and receive love in the same way.

However, if one of you has your top love language of words of affirmation and the other has acts of service, it isn’t necessarily an issue but more of a situation where you can make sure you show your love to them in the way that you know they’ll respond to best.

It’s easy to assume that the person you’re with wants to be loved in the same way that you do, but that’s where things can go wrong.

If you like someone doing things for you and they like someone telling them they’re proud of them once they’ve done things for themselves you can see how this has the potential to go wrong.

There are only five love languages (according to psychology and behavioural science) and of course, just as any behavioural analysis, your love language will have been influenced by your childhood and how your parents displayed love not only to you but also to each other, we grow up on learnt behaviour but influences over the years of old relationships will alps guide your love language and what’s important to you.

So for those of you who are curious and want a quick overview on what the five love languages are, allow me to get into the basics.

1: Words of Affirmation

This love language expresses love with words that build up your partner. Verbal compliments don’t have to be complicated; the shortest and simplest praises can be the most effective.

“That dress looks incredible on you!”

“You always make me laugh.”

“I love your hair today.”

Words mean a lot if your partner has this love language. Compliments and an “I love you” can go a long way. On the other hand, negative or insulting comments can hurt your partner and it could take them longer to forgive than others.

2: Acts of Service

Your partner might have this love language if their motto is “Actions speak louder than words.”

This love language expresses itself by doing things that you know your partner would like. Cooking a meal, doing the laundry, and doing a little job they might not get time to do in a busy day are all acts of service. They require some thought, time, and effort.

All of these things should be done with positivity and with your partner’s ultimate happiness in mind to be considered an expression of love. Actions out of obligation or with a negative tone are something else entirely and if you’re secretly loathing the fact that you’re having to do it …. it’s probably best not to.

3: Receiving Gifts

This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic and I want to stress this partly for my own justification (this comes second on my love language list) It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Something as simple as picking up something during your day that made you think of them can mean a lot, and I’m literally talking anything!

This is different than Acts of Service, where you show affection by performing actions to help your partner.

4: Quality Time

This love language is all about undivided attention. No televisions, no smartphones, or any other distractions. If this is your partner’s primary language, they don’t just want to be included during this period of time, they want to be the center of your attention. They want their partners to look at them and them only.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t curl up on the couch to watch Netflix or HBO; it just means that you need to make sure to dedicate time together without all of the distractions. That will help them feel comforted in the relationship.

Every time you cancel a date, postpone time together or aren’t present during your time together, it can be extremely hurtful to your partner as it can make them feel like you care more about other things or activities than them.

5: Physical Touch

To people with this love language, nothing is more impactful than the physical touch of their partner. They aren’t necessarily into over-the-top PDA, but they do feel more connected and safe in a relationship by holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.

If Physical Touch is your partner’s primary love language, they will feel unloved without physical contact. All of the words and gifts in the world won’t change that. They want to feel you close by, not just emotionally, but physically.

So there you have it, a quick overview into the love languages and I’m sure you’ve read one that makes you think … “that definitely sounds like me“, but if you fancy putting both you and your partner to the test, you can both find out you love languages here.

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How to get over a narcissist

These past few months have been difficult. Trust me, I know.

You wake up each day with the intention of moving forward, but you are unavoidably reminded of him when your Spotify shuffles to that one song. Memories flood back of that time in his room, gazing out the window at the sun, feeling the most calm you’ve ever felt. He was your serenity and then he took it away.

You can’t help but think of him when you’re telling all these new people you’ve met about the story of why you are where you are. It’s these moments when you can’t help but recall how difficult it was to not fall in love with his seemingly flawless charm, how hard you fought against liking him for months on end just for his perseverance to pay off in the end when he had you fall for him harder than you’ve ever fallen for anyone.

You’ve never felt things that deeply for another person and as he was pulling away it just made you want to delve into the intricacies of his mind to see what was going on. You wanted to see what was beneath that outgoing, arrogantly confident persona because I mean after a while, he did in fact seem perfect to you, all you wanted to do was workout how you became so obsessed with someone who initially you had no interest in. Why was he the way he was.

The thing is, you assumed that everyone’s good and kind and open, like how you were. And so it was impossible to see the reality behind his deliberate façade. You couldn’t have known the truth at the time. Even if everyone around you was trying so hard to point it out.

He lured you in little by little, making sure to carefully conceal his numerous flaws. He was strategic with it all. And then, surely, when he had you securely in his palm, his utter sense of superiority inevitably began to creep into his comments or behaviour. His self-absorption would always find fault in you when things were clearly lacking on his end. In difficult moments, his demeaning and self-loathing side would berate you while embracing his victimhood. He was always perfect, and you were always flawed.

But you made excuses for him, I know. And please don’t beat yourself up over this, because the truth is, you’re a good person and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even when your friends were telling you you’d changed. You always wanted to see the best in him. You wanted to believe he was who he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. The guy who was there ready to give you everything, including his future.

You wanted to understand him and be the one woman who could keep him in his stage of being physically obsessed with you, so he didn’t get tempted by all the other women he could lure in with the arrogance and charm he gave off when he went out.

His power trip obsession meant he always needed to be in control, especially over how others saw him and felt about him. And you were just the biggest challenge he’d come across. The first one not to fall at his feet immediately

And despite the sheer devastation he caused, you’re still standing, you’re still here. You’ll find someone with the same heart as you, but he’ll stay wounded and will keep damaging others who happen to come across his path. Sucks to be them.

Just remember, it’s okay to not assume the worst in a human being. Most people in this world aren’t that horrible and even though this may seem difficult to believe right now, there’s nothing you could have done differently that would have changed how it ended. In typical narcissist fashion, he lured you in and spat you out. Leaving you as a shell of who you were before him.

But please know that this has nothing to do with your worth or value as a human being and everything to do with his deep-rooted insecurities and past. It has everything to do with the fact that he knows no other way to be, he needs to feel wanted and needs to get attention off others in any way he can, you were only providing love and affection but you would never have been enough forever. He didn’t know how to only get attention from one person.

So right now, just scream and shout as much as you want. Throw shit if you have to, because almost nothing compares to the pain you’re feeling. He took off his mask, and in the process of doing so, he left you broken. You’re probably still trying to process everything that happened, to make sense of everything and actually you know what, it will take a while.

But you know what, there is no “processing” with a person like him. There is no sense in his actions, and there is not one single instance that caused him to walk away. There was nothing you said or did that caused this.

So take all the anguish, the ache, and go for a long run until you can’t feel your legs, sit outside, spend times with genuine people who care about you. Care for yourself and pick yourself up, because you’ve been through a rough time. Repeat this each and every day until you feel like yourself again. Yes, the scar is very deep, but you’re a strong person, and you will move on. It hurts so badly because you gave everything you had in you, and that alone is a beautiful thing. Even if right now you’re sat thinking you never want to do that ever again.

But trust me, you’ll find someone eventually who makes you want to fall head over heels again, someone you get excited to give everything to.

It just takes time.

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Advice from those before you

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She wants you to be successful, she wants you to get her to fall in love.

Yep, there’s that big L word, love …. she’s almost forgotten what that feels like, how it feels to be crazy about someone. To want to be around one person constantly. How is she supposed to tell you how to make it work?

Maybe if you took a note from those who came before you, you’d understand why she keeps running off in the opposite direction whenever she thinks you’re getting too close.

To understand her, maybe advice from the people before you would be just what you need?


Advice number 1: She’s a control freak.

She needs to fall for you on her own terms in her own way. She has to lead, that’s really important, or at least at the start. Until she’s comfortable with you, you need to understand that she just assumes you’re going to build the foundations of a potential relationship wrong. So she wants to create the base.

Oh and most importantly, don’t be too touchy feely, not at the start. Once she likes you and has handed over the reins she’ll want you all over her. But not until she’s decided she likes you.

You’ll be able to work out when it’s your turn to take over in the relationship she’s trying to build with you.

Advice number 2: Be confident.

You need to be confident enough around her to tell her how you feel, she doesn’t like liars or confusing messages.

Once you know she likes you, you need to do everything you can to keep her. It might take her a while to actually make her mind up about you, but once she does, you’ll be with the most loyal person you’ve ever met.

But seriously, do not lie to her because once you’ve burnt all your bridges, she will be able to act like she doesn’t even know who you are anymore.

Advice number 3: You need to understand that you’ll never understand her.

That weird twisted dark sense of humour is clearly a defence mechanism, if you manage to break down her walls to find out what/who broke her heart then you’re amongst a very small number of people.

Once you’ve got her interested in you, don’t play games anymore. the Game playing phase is over once she likes you. But remember, don’t go too fast or expect things to happen as quick as you’d like. This is how you’ll accidentally push her away.

Oh and Remember you can make her feel beautiful without objectifying her.

Advice number 4: Give her time and space.

She’s weirdly complicated, she wants you to want her but not too much otherwise she’ll get scared off.

In a way, she needs to chase you to begin with, if you’re constantly there willing to give her undivided attention straight away she won’t like it. It will be too much too quick.

Everything with her is ANYTHING but quick, you need to be willing to slow things down, and then slow it down again.

But if you’re lucky enough to get her to love you, make sure you’re all in it with her. She’ll never admit it, but it’s easy to break her heart once she’s in love.

Advice number 5: Just let her be crazy.

She will keep you on your toes. So make sure you’ve got good balance.

When she gets in one of her crazy moods, just wait it out, because even she wont know if she wants you to be a million miles away from her, or hold her so tight she can’t breath when she’s mad at you.

Advice number 6: Remember to reassure her

She has this weird obsession with fulfilling other peoples expectations of her, so make sure you reassure her she’s doing great. She likes hearing nice things from the person she’s dating.

Funny thing is, she’s always so determined to improve herself and everything around her sometimes she can forget to enjoy the moment she’s in, so if you can, get her to enjoy everything around her more.


But maybe there’s a reason why none of the ones before you managed to get it to work, maybe they figured her out in part but not fully. So perhaps you’ll be the one who totally gets it right?

Maybe the journey you’re going to go on with her will be the final one she takes, the last time she has to go through being chased and then chasing after someone.

Just remember, she wants you to get her, she just doesn’t know how to tell you to do how to it.

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Limerence …. I’d rather not

 

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Limerence = being madly in love with someone, or borderline obsessed. Ultimately it’s something totally different to true love, which is calm and slow.

Being madly in love makes us well …. mad. It’s not an emotion that you should get used to feeling, when you start to fall for someone you tend to be crazy for them, but eventually you kind of want that to tone down and turn into true love, true love is what lasts forever, limerence is what creates obsession which is filled with a whirlwind of passion and no doubt a lot of sex (sounds fun so far).

While going through limerence we experience extreme highs (when they give us any kind of love or affection) and extreme lows (when they act off or seem distant we will automatically think it’s because of us) it can quite literally be a roller coaster of emotion, so watch out for whiplash!

All of a sudden you’ll notice that you’ve become hyper vigilant, constantly looking for signs that they love you, but with this also comes the hyper vigilance for signs that they don’t, if they frown, get upset, or angry, you’ll assume that it’s because of you. But this can even go to the extreme of physical manifestation, where you can feel physically sick if you think they’re pushing you away or being distant.

If you’re in limerence with someone and the person you feel it for is bad for you, well to put it nicely you’re kind of screwed, you won’t be able to see any of their bad elements, all the reasons why they might be wrong for you, don’t exist (at least in your mind anyway) and this is because of the halo effect, the halo effect is where the person we’re in limerence with can do nothing wrong, even if others around us are pointing out flaws in them, we can simply shrug it off or give justification for their behaviour, telling people around you that they don’t understand, or it’s only something minor that to you isn’t a big deal. YOU’RE LITERALLY BLIDSIDED.

All your friends and family could be screaming that this person isn’t right for you and they’re an awful person, but not to you, because all you can see are their good sides, this perfectly flawed individual who’s displaying very concerning behaviour, well to you .. you’ve never wanted approval and adoration from anyone as much as this in your whole entire life!

Being in limerence will make us all of a sudden want to change anything we can to make the subject of our affection happy, or at least make them happier to be with us, we will change our behaviour, maybe the way we dress, or even push away our circle of friends. You’ll happily bend over backwards to change things that if anyone else asked you to change, you’d shut them down with a solid no instantly. But limerence makes us do some crazy things!

Where you used to have certain standards for someone else’s behaviour towards you and how you want to be treated, that’s now gone. You don’t care, because if you can sacrifice all this just to feel love from the person you’re in limerence with, then you’ll do it, because that love they give you, well right now it’s like a drug and despite the fact you can get it from someone else, it will NEVER be the same as the feeling you get from being loved by that one damn person!

You’ll feel as though you can only ever be fulfilled and happy if that person loves you in the way you love them, you crave love and affection from them like a drug addict (not that I know what being a drug addict feels like, but if it’s anything like being in limerence with someone it must fucking suck)

Limerence is the definition of love and obsession, it’s intense, it will make you seem crazy and obsessive, it will make you sit around filled with desire to possess your person  for the rest of your lives, craving love and affection from them.

So why do we want the calm that is true love, vs the turbulent passion that is limerence?

True love can come in and bring our brains back to normal, we’re no longer obsessive and negatively impacting our own behaviour, where limerence can stump our creativity and growth, true love can help to bring it out in us. True love can help you grow as a person and create help you create forever life, because you’re able to focus on more than one thing at a time.

True love is what you want, but let’s be honest, limerence is fun and maybe just what we need sometimes. Even if the source of your total adoration fucks you over and fucks off.

 

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Ambition and compatibility

You’re on different paths, and your paths are steering away from each other, beautifully unsynced, never meant to join and run in harmony forever.

But that’s ok.

Who’d have thought that your biggest ‘what if’ would have been over someone you thought you wanted to spend your life with.

But that’s what happens when one person is driven to move forward and the other is content with being stagnant, going round in circles.

Whether we like it or not, levels of ambition are key to compatibility, you can’t have one person excelling forward while dragging someone with them kicking and screaming. You have to be willing to push each other forward as much as you can if you’re keen to be successful, support each other’s dreams and be willing to remind each other of how far you’ve both come.

On the other hand, there are people who are happy to reach a level in their life and then remain stagnant, you’ll think you’ve reached your highest point and you’re happy with where you are.

That’s fine, but that’s not what she’s like.

You admire her because she’s forever chasing after her ambitions, you watch her go after what she wants while you sit content, happy with exactly where you are and what you’re doing.

Your paths are different, and that’s ok. But ultimately that’s what will keep the two of you apart.

She’s scared of knowing what her forever looks like, maybe because she’s worried her forever won’t be the kind of person to make sure she keeps hold of her ambition and drive to constantly move forward and chase after what she wants, or maybe she’s scared because she’s seen what staying still can do to people.

So before you promise her forever, before you decide that you want to be her future, ask yourself if you can help make sure she remains determined and ambitious, will you let her stop excelling when she says that you’re now all she wants, or will you be there pushing her up towards her goals?

Remember, right now she doesn’t need you, she’s busy going after exactly what she wants. So if she wants you, that’s a privilege.

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So he wants some space?

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Space … a funny word really because what is space, is it standing more than one foot apart from each other? Is it never being in the same room alone? Or maybe it’s avoiding conversation with someone completely.

So answer this, whats scary about getting too close? What’s the risk, you miss someone more than you want to? Or you fall for someone when you’re at a phase that’s making you try so hard to remain balanced, but you know what, life doesn’t care about our planned timings, not everything happens when it should do, but wouldn’t we get bored without a few hurdles?

Love is supposed to be messy, the best story beginnings never tend to start smoothly.

Most people ask for space to save their own feelings, they don’t want to get attached and ultimately the more time you spend with someone the more attached you begin to get.

Or maybe he want’s some space because he thinks you’re too much, now he knows he has you perhaps he’s realised he doesn’t want you like the thought he did and now wants some space to weigh up his other options? Ouch, quite a sour thought!

He probably doesn’t realise the space he’s so desperately trying to get is hurting you, he’s trying to protect himself but in the process he’s leaving you feeling confused and unwanted, two of the worst feelings in the world when it comes to matters concerning the heart!

Maybe you should grant him his space, let him pull away, sure there’s a risk that he won’t swing back to you, but if he doesn’t maybe you’re better off?

Or, an alternative idea, show him how much you like him, that this isn’t a phase, he doesn’t need to worry about you getting bored, you’re in it with him now and yes it’s scary but it’s worth the risk.

Maybe he has got other options he needs to weigh up, or other stuff he has to sort out (get rid of any baggage he can’t seem to leave behind) but who cares, you know that none of his other options are you, and he knows that as well.

Sometimes what we need is closest to us and we shouldn’t be trying to get space from the person we want the most just to protect ourselves.

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It actually isn’t him, it’s you!

How many hours have you pondered his thoughts? Wondering what he’s doing? Why he isn’t texting you, if he’s texting someone else, when he’s actually going to reach out.

How much time do you waste wondering what he may never tell you and what he’s thinking?How many minutes, staring at your screen trying to dissect every last text. Understand why he follows who he follows. Why he posts what he posts.

So. Many. Why’s.

While you’re sitting up late at night, wondering the thoughts of his brain you’re wasting time. Time you could spend on so many other people, and things. On people who actually follow through with their actions. People who continuously show you how much they care about you. But it still isn’t enough, if it isn’t coming from him, right?

How many minutes you have wasted on his thoughts, when you could have been doing something for you. Finally finishing that book you keep re-starting. Draw a bath. Grab a drink with an old friend. No. Instead he has wrapped his hands around your brain, once again. Once again, you are paralyzed by the idea of his ideas. By his thoughts, and your lack of knowledge.

And then just like that, you look at your phone and he’s reached out. Just like nothing ever happened, like no time has passed. Simply ready to strike up another conversation, like all is well in the world. And all is well. All has been well. But then you begin to think about all that time you wasted, when you could have been enjoying the moments you were in but instead you’ve spent all day distracted and closed off from everything. All this time wasted worrying about what his mind was thinking. Giving him all this power over you. All this power, he isn’t even aware he’s had!

The wasted time isn’t his fault though, he didn’t ask you to dissect his every move, he didn’t ask you to read into his Instagram posts, he didn’t ask for any of it. He didn’t even know it was happening, he literally had no idea! No idea that a day of not speaking would do this and drive you crazy. While you questioned where his mind was, he was living his life, just like you should have been.

He had no idea you were concerned because he was too busy minding his own business and getting on with his day, all while you wasted your own time. And let’s face it, you’d be too embarrassed to tell him the truth, that this small thing kept you up all night long, not hearing from him had left you wondering the unknown. Venting to your friends, about how you think this is just another loss another waste of time and almost feelings, chalking it up to yet another guy with commitment issues. And you were beginning to question if he’s even good enough for you anyway, or that maybe something’s just wrong with him.

When in all reality, it isn’t him, at all. He still likes you just as much as the day before. He is still interested, he still finds you cute, he still wants to follow through with those Friday night plans.

And of course he does why wouldn’t he? I mean look at you. He just had a bit of a day and you know what those days are like, yet you went crazy over it. It’s time to get out of your own head, but most importantly it’s time to get out of his head.

So seriously, stop getting in your own way with this crazy over thinking and constant questions!