Month: April 2020

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How to show respect to your partner

When you think about what makes a relationship successful, your answers would probably be similar to others: chemistry, timing, sexual attraction.

But what about respect? Have you stopped to consider how important respect from your partner is to you?

That might be an extreme case, but I hear friends talk about doing the same sort of actions on smaller scales. Then they point fingers at what is going wrong in their relationship when, really, a finger should be pointed back at them.

Researchers found that people who felt more respect from their partner also felt more satisfied in the relationship.

Lack of respect in a relationship is more likely to erode at a relationship. It’s a vicious cycle that once you feel disrespected by a partner, you start to lose respect for them as well.

But a lot of actions of disrespect are so small they can easily go undetected. It can be as simple as a gesture or phrase that makes your partner feel like you don’t appreciate them.

The most common ways partners show disrespect are:

Calling your partner names. There’s never a just time to call someone an “idiot” or “crazy” Name-calling does no good for a relationship. All it achieves is making your partner feel distanced from you.

Criticizing them. This includes when you’re in front of your partner and also what you say about them to others. Disrespect doesn’t always happen in-person; bad-mouthing your partner when they’re not around is a sign you’re not on the same team.

Showing contempt through body language. This looks like rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, refusing to look at your partner, etc. They’re simple gestures but ones that create a barrier for healthy communication.

The bright side of all of this is, there are easy ways to show your partner respect. Aside from cutting out the above, try changing your behavior in these ways:

1. Accept that you both have different opinions/ways of doing things

If your goal in a relationship is to find someone you never disagree with, you’re going to be on that journey for the rest of your life.

No two people share the exact same views and opinions, and that’s not a bad thing. Being with someone that has opinions different from yours means you have a chance to widen your perspective and learn a bit about acceptance.

Instead of trying to make your partner see things your way, respect that you both see things differently, and that’s a beautiful thing. Let your partner be who they are.

2. Practice trusting

Respecting someone includes trusting them until they give you a reason not to.

But this is hard for people, especially when their trust has been broken in the past.After having experience with people who threaten to leave and lovers cheat, sometimes we become wary of giving our heart to someone new. And relationship experts say pin trust issues as being the most prevalent amongst couples.

Communicate with your partner your experience with trust. Take note of moments when your partner was there for you. Consider the beliefs you hold around romantic love and whether they’re logically based on your current relationship or not.

Creating trust with your partner is a process you can only do for someone you respect.

3. Listen to what they say

Actively listening to your partner is more than just the everyday listening people do. It involves actually hearing and understanding what the other person is saying.

When you actively listen, you’re telling your partner, “I very much care about what you’re conveying to me. I am here for you.”

All too often, people are so caught up in what they’ll say next, they don’t actually hear what their partner says. You might overstep their words or completely miss their point.

But actively listening strengthens relationships. Researchers have found that couples who felt heard by their partners also felt happier about their relationship.

So next time your partner wants to talk about something serious, sit down with them. Put away your phone. Make eye contact as they speak to you. Focus on exactly what they’re saying and ask questions if you don’t understand.

Respect your partner by giving them your undistracted time and attention.

4. Don’t play games

There’s a lot of reasons people play games. I used to because I felt insecure. I didn’t want to come off as eager, so I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to text first.

Whatever the reason, playing games is ultimately disrespectful and deeply hurtful to a relationship.

If a couple gets into a fight, one of them not texting the other person back does a few things: it prolongs the fight and doesn’t respect the time of the other person.

The same goes for other forms of playing games, like guilt-tripping, withholding affection, giving too much affection, etc.; they’re all going to cause you and your partner pain.

Instead, practice healthy communication. It not only shows respect to your partner, but you’ll be happier in the long run, too.

5. Validate your partner’s feelings

Don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings as “irrational” or “dramatic.”

What someone feels is what they feel, no matter if you agree. The fact is, when your partner is upset, they’re upset. And you telling them not to be isn’t going to help.

As psychologist Carl Rogers said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

That’s because when a person validates your feelings rather than dismissing them, they’re entering your world. They stay with you in the moment and try to see things from your perspective.

Respect how your partner feels by validating their feelings. Statements like, “I can see you’re upset” or “I understand why you’re mad” go a long way.

Respect is an easy thing to give that means a lot to someone, your partner included.

If you think your relationship lacks respect, start with changing your actions. Sometimes, we think we aren’t part of the problem, and most of the time, that’s not the case.

Your partner is most likely a top priority, so show them the above and beyond respect they deserve.

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It’s the two of you vs the problem

Let’s play out a scenario, a couple who are crazy about each other torn apart by the concept of “what if this goes wrong”.

To figure out if the relationship is worth fighting through this cloud of doubt for they decide to spend some time apart, both figuring out if they are willing to risk getting hurt.

But the irony is, you’ve now taken yourself away from the reminder of what you’re fighting for, you want to figure out if you can get past your “what if” problem and you’ve chosen that the best way to do it is by not being around them.

It feels like you’ve taken the problem and somehow let it come in the middle of the two of you. Now it’s turned into a you vs them situation, where the game is who can act like they’re less bothered and who can pretend to care less. As if the time apart isn’t phasing either of you.

How it should have been, is the two of you vs the problem. There’s an issue in your relationship, well you know how people typically get over that? By facing it head on together and supporting each other through times of uncertainty. That’s how problems get sorted, not by ignoring them and creating more distance.

The one proven way to make any relationship stronger, is by getting through the hard parts together as a solid unit. Not by pushing each other away and hoping that an empty space will solve everything for you.

Relationships take work, so take that issue the two of you have and use it to make you stronger together, by twisting it into a the two of you vs the problem situation.

As much as some people may disagree, space and distance do not help two people overcome a relationship problem. An issue in a relationship should be handled by the two of you together and if it turns out that the problem can’t be fixed, at least you can say you’ve tried.

Giving up and pretending like you don’t care is the biggest relationship failure, give the two of you some credit. Risk the make or break scenario.

Looking back at something and thinking you could have tried harder is the biggest punch in the face kind of feeling you could ever have.

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You’ve been here before. It will be fine

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He’s not the first waste of space to make you question your worth and make you feel like you’re not good enough and I hate to admit it, but you’re young so he probably won’t be the last either.

Whats the saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s well … a little less slimy.

I actually think the saying should be you can have a lot of free trials before you find one that makes you want to sign yourself away for a lifetime subscription.

I know that right now this one seems like the end of the world but it’s not, he’s just the most recent one and the freshest mark of experience. You’ll be fine trust me.

He wasn’t even worth the sleepless nights and constant back and forward messages to all your friends asking for advice on whether you should reach out, that was wasted effort. What you should have been doing as soon as he made you question how he felt about is focusing all your effort and attention on remembering why you’re one the most amazing people he could have ever come into contact with in the first place and when he realises that it will suck for him.

The second anyone makes you question where you stand with them is the moment you need to spend less time focusing on them and more time focusing on remembering who you are.

And yes I get it, you really liked this one, he seemed different. They normally always do at the start, but you can’t convince someone to see how amazing you are and if they can’t see it, well f**k them. Spend more time around your friends and family who make you feel like you’re worthy of more than just a fleeting spot in someones life.

So I know it will hurt right now, you’ll be wondering why you weren’t good enough, why he would walk away and pretend like the two of you never felt a connection stronger than either of you had ever felt before.

But remember, it’s not your fault he’s scared of being with someone who he knows is better than him.

You were more mature and adult than anyone he’d been with, you weren’t scared of your feelings and although you can admit to not being perfect you wanted to grow with someone who wasn’t ready to make themselves better.

Please just remember, you’ve been here before, you might be here again but the main thing is …. you’ll be fine. You don’t need someone else to be you.

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How to give up on someone

Many of us are taught that persistence is the key to being happy and successful in life. If we work hard and refuse to give up hope, then things will go well for us. This mindset serves most of us well. We struggle, but we’re resilient, so we persist.

But what if we start doing this at the sake of our own sanity and happiness?

I know it sounds like such a positive thing, being persistent, never giving up, believing in people no matter what. But what happens when the things you won’t give up on are the things that hurt you?

Maybe, you need to learn when it’s ok to give up on someone because you know that a situation no longer serves you for the better. Or maybe you just need to be told that it’s ok, it’s ok to give up on someone when they’re no longer showing you that they care.

When you’re bought up to see so much potential in the people you love, and want so badly to see them recognize that potential in themselves. You probably choose to let the good outweigh the bad, to focus on the light instead of the dark. There’s nothing wrong with that, but what happens when that quiet persistence leads to unbalanced relationships?

What happens when you never learned how to give up, how to let people go, how to put your own needs first?

How can you learn to give up on someone when all your life you’ve been told to go after what you want with everything you’ve got and not to stop until you’ve got it, even if you’re the one putting in all the effort and not getting anything back?

In all honesty, I’m not sure you can.

If you’re someone who is born to be persistent and not give up, I think you’ll always be that person. What you do need to learn though is when to step away from someone who is giving you nothing back.

But if you can learn to put more effort into developing yourself, slowly you can realign your goals. Suddenly you’ll realise that your goals sound more like teaching yourself a new language, writing a book or finishing a puzzle, instead of thinking of ways to get someone else to realise what’s holding them back and stopping them from being happy (obviously with you).

It’s not your job to heal them, something that takes years to learn. But if that other person can’t seem to let go of things that have happened in their past, it isn’t your job to heal them. Everyone goes through shit. That’s life. But if they’re someone who can’t let go, well that sounds like a them problem not a you problem.

Eventually you’ll realise you’ve managed to distract yourself with your own personal growth that you’ve given up on them anyway.

So how can you give up on someone? I don’t think you intentionally can. But life goes on and as you realise they’re not moving forward with you and you’ve outgrown them, it will happen without you even knowing it.

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The secret to lasting love

Why are you with just one man? Why is it that the guy you can call yours has prevailed over all the others who came before him?

Well, obviously, each failed relationship that has happened up till now has had its own unique defects that lead to the break ups.

So maybe a better question is, why can I believe the love that is offered to me this time is different?

Loving someone is a unique ability only humans can create awareness around. It’s an art because we can improve upon the skill, sort of like a craft. The more we feel it, the better we become at understanding it and how we handle ourselves when we feel it.

I once read a quote that’s always stuck with me, “Falling in love is easy. Staying in love, that’s the challenge.”

But to even consider staying in love, we have to make a choice: At the low points, in the time of doubt, will we keep choosing love? And are we willing to do so even if the person may not choose us one day?

The uncertainties in love are quite frankly bloody terrifying, the thought of the person we’ve chosen above everyone else one day not choosing us scares a lot of people away before anything has even really begun.

How can we know someone will make a great partner? Father? Or even a bingo teammate well into retirement? Yes I know that’s a lot of forward thinking but it’s worth considering to save yourself some heartache.

How can we know we won’t be betrayed? Our hearts not crushed? Our love not taken advantage of?

And the answer is plain and fucking simple: We don’t.

We don’t know how our lives will play out, and that runs true, especially when it comes to love. We can plan and analyse as much as we want, but we will never know for certain how things are going to go.

But just because we can’t be certain doesn’t mean we can’t try.

Loving someone is a choice. You find a person that makes your heart flutter, whose company you thoroughly enjoy and who you have amazing chemistry with. You understand each other; you could see yourself growing old with them because you can wholeheartedly be yourself around them.

So you choose them; you choose to try and make a life with them. But it won’t be the only time you’ll have to choose them.

Because the doubt will creep in. They’ll eventually hurt or disappoint you, you’ll start thinking about the negative things and even at this point, you’ll still want to choose them. Even over all the hurdles.

And the choice really comes down to your capabilities and willingness of working through the inevitable low points, because being with them surpasses everything else. You don’t mind riding out the lows with them because experiencing the highs is worth it every time.

If they choose you and you choose them then that should equal, I hope, lasting love.

You have open and honest communication, regularly checking in on one another. You both have the ability to speak our emotions, fears, and appreciations of one another. You acknowledge the hard times will come, but you’re certain you have what it takes to get through them.

And when you wrap all of this up into a package, that love seems like it will withstand time.

But all because we are both making a choice. A choice to stay in love and work through the highs and lows together because you know that being together is worth it.

Recently, I came across a Ted Talk by a woman that did a questionnaire with a man that led them to fall in love. That woman, Mandy Len Catron, wrote the initial article which consists of the 36 questions to ask your partner to fall in love.

Readers wanted to understand the magic of Catron’s relationship’s success; everyone wanted to know if the two were still together.

But Catron was wary of answering because the success of their relationship wasn’t based on 36 questions designed for creating love.

The success of their relationship hung on one main thing: a choice.

The two chose to love each other, every single day.

Sure, love is a bit more nuanced. But lasting love, I believe, is not.

You’ll never find a perfect person who won’t disappoint you at some point, it’s just human nature, none of us are perfect. Every single relationship is going to have its low points.

And when those lows come, you’ll have to make a choice, a choice to stay in love or not.

But in the end, I believe that’s the secret to lasting love. Choosing to love the person you’ve chosen no matter what, through all the tough shit and all the amazing stuff that you wouldn’t want to be experiencing with anyone else.