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She just wants you

The last time you asked her, “What do you want?” She wasn’t really sure how to answer you, so she stayed quiet thinking for a while. It felt like a big question, and she knew she didn’t want to mess up the answer.

But secretly she knew what she wanted, she was just way too afraid to say it. It seemed silly to say it aloud, and she wasn’t ready to admit it to herself anyway just out of fear of getting hurt by owning up to her own feelings.

But now she would know that she should just give the answer she could feel on the tip of her tongue. So ask her again and this time she won’t hesitate. She won’t stay quiet even though she’s still afraid, but she knows this is bigger than her fear. If it means she has to stop being scared and take a risk, she’ll do it.

Ask her again and she’ll tell you. She just wants you.

Although she’s scared to admit it, she wants you in the unfiltered moments, where you’re both still half asleep but you reach out and pull her close towards you in the mornings, with her hand on your chest and you breathing in her hair while you’re sleeping, that’s what she wants. She wants you when you nestle in closer just to be near her as she runs her fingers through your hair.

She wants to wake up next to you, she wants to know that you’re safe, that you’re hers and you’re not going anywhere. She wants the safety she feels when you’re beside her, because one’s ever given her that sense of calm and safety before.

She wants the dark days with you, she isn’t scared to sit with you on the days when the sun has fallen from the sky and light ceases to exist.

She wants you in the moments when you can’t figure out why she would even want you because your life feels like a mess sometimes and you think she deserves better but she wants to always be there to reassure you that you matter and that you’re doing the right thing. She just wants you to always believe her when she tells you how valuable and amazing you are.

She will even still want you when you break her heart, when she walks away crying and wondering if that’s the last time she’ll see you. She wants you when you push her away and shut her out because you’re scared because she’ll still want you when she does the same.

She wants you even when you’re working through difficult periods of life together. When shit gets real and struggles become almost too much, she will still want you.

She wants you on the good days when you make her laugh so hard at your stupid jokes that she can’t remember what the silence sounds like. She wants you when you smile at her just because you’re happy to see her.

She wants that lazy Sunday morning feeling with you. That feeling when the sun is moving through the sky but time is standing still for the two of you, waking up in each other’s arms with not a brief care in the world for that short period of time.

She wants you when she see the hope in your eyes, the hope that the two of you might make it. She wants you in the midst of the uncertainty, because nothing in life is guaranteed, but she seems not to mind it so much when she’s with you because she’s excited for the two of you to figure life out together one crazy step at a time.

She just wants you.

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It’s different to what you thought (but that’s ok)

When most of your life you’ve been the person who pushes everyone away who tries to get close to you, you already fully understand why people leave and give up on you. You’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s just been that way for you for the longest time and you’re unwilling to change now. You tell yourself that it’s exactly why you built all those walls up, not allowing yourself to the possibility of vulnerability.

You have fully convinced yourself that love is a game of mind. And a perfect relationship is maybe a myth but it’s also thinking ahead about every single thing that will or won’t work. You want to address it with well-thought-out plans, like how it should be or how you expected it to be. You think about all possible scenarios of how a date will and should go and come up with an endless amount of action steps depending on the scenario you formed in your head, because you’ve already assumed it’s not going to end well.

You pride yourself with the ability to manipulate a conversation to get what you want. And you’re certain that you have your head above your heart, keeping yourself constantly in-check in crucial romantic moments everyone else warned you about. Because you’re smart and will never lose your senses in situations you can’t control.

But suddenly, with one of fate’s playful attempts to catch you off guard, you see yourself attracted to that one person who showed efforts, who never gave up in pursuing you, and who made it seem like you matter enough for them to be persistent. You know, the one you least expected. They sometimes cross your mind in the middle of the day. You look forward to their good morning and good night texts even if you tell yourself you don’t care, and if they didn’t happen you wouldn’t be bothered. Yet behind all that, you know you don’t want them to stop trying.

Then one day, you start to believe that your strong facade was worth taking down a notch. And you realise that maybe a relationship and love isn’t always about being logical, analysing situations obsessively for reasons they’re not right and it won’t work out and ultimately pushing someone away before you find out their flaws or they upset you somehow ….. so you want to try and make sense out of it.

You still refuse to be the girl you realise you’re turning into. You whole heartily refuse to let yourself accept that all the cheesy feelings that are seeming to surface are actually happening. You still try to disregard the thought that maybe, just maybe, it’s the first time you’ve experienced feelings like this without your mind holding you back like all the other times because you’re scared. You repeatedly tell yourself that it’s nothing. Only it’s not the same as how you thought it would be, it’s different this time around and you see a whole new side of you that you never knew existed, this time it’s calm and not scary after all.

You refuse to believe that you’re this affectionate on the inside. You feel a hint of neediness, a feeling you recognise but want to keep hidden because until now, you thought you’d managed to stop being like that. You catch yourself on a lazy Sunday wanting to see them, but you’re wishing it’s just a phase in passing or your PMS acting up and this wanting them will go away. You think that it unless you ignore it, it would only mean you have succumbed to the idea of keeping yourself open to being hurt and that is the last thing you want.

You refuse to accept that you’re becoming the one who is feeling more because you always thought of it as a weakness. You do your best to make yourself believe that you’re not becoming too attached. You distract yourself by doing other things to get your mind off the fact that you’re thinking of them too much. You can’t help but think of them every second of every day and wonder if they feel the same way. But what makes it more difficult is that they can’t find out because you can’t let them feel like they’re smothered, or worse that they’ve got you, the strong independent woman, tamed and right in their grips.

You refuse to accept that all those walls you caged yourself in don’t matter anymore. You pretend that not talking to them for a day is okay and you’re totally cool with it. But in reality, you just want someone, them specifically (of course), to see past your strong exterior and denials, and tell you that it’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to feel emotional, and it’s okay now because they’ll be there for you and with you.

Suddenly “catching feelings” will affect you in all sorts of ways. But it doesn’t make you vulnerable nor susceptible to illogical reasoning (well, not all the time anyway) But rather it keeps you afloat, inspired, and you’ll actually remember what it means to be human and take someone into consideration when you’re making big decisions other than just yourself. It’s still something you’re learning, and it’s okay even if it’s very different to how you thought it would be.

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Catch the curve ball

tenor

She’s the curve ball in the game you didn’t even know you were playing and you’ll realise eventually, that girl would have given you the whole world, you just had to be ready to catch what life was throwing at you.

But this wasn’t the exact plan I had, it isn’t exactly lining up with how I thought things would go” I get that, but hear me out…..

You know she’d have made you smile even after you’ve had a bad day, she would have sat and listened to you for hours until you’d spoken about it so much that you no longer felt stressed and you’d have felt safe because you know she’d have never judged anything you said.

You’ll realise eventually that when you find someone who’s only genuine concern is your happiness, you should hold onto them no matter what.

When you find someone in this crazy messed up world who still has kindness and good intentions in them for someone other than themselves, you’ll want to hold onto them for as long as you can, because they’re a rare breed these days which sucks!

When you realise that she was someone who bought out the best side of you, maybe it’ll be too late. Because you’ll have pushed her away not truly realising what you’re doing.

You’ll realise why honesty didn’t seem so scary with her, why you didn’t get the urge to tell her stupid white lies like with all the others before. It was because you felt like anything you told her wouldn’t be met with judgement and finding someone who accepts all parts of you exactly how they are without a sense of ‘yeah you’re great but if you done this I think you’d be better’ is rare.

Imagine being with someone who’s happy to accept you exactly as you, even though you both know you have flaws and you’re not perfect, but she doesn’t care because your flaws make you imperfectly perfect to her.

You’ll realise soon enough that there’s no one else you want to share your good and bad days with, someone who you want to celebrate your successes with and also sit down in a calm silence with when times have got a bit tough.

How long do you think you’ll have to look until you find someone who makes this whole ‘dating‘ thing seem as easy as she did?

Being with someone who understands that family time and down time are as important as the time alone the two of you have. How many people are like that in the world, who don’t make you feel guilty for not making them a priority in your life even though they’ve just come into it, who are selfless enough that they want you to go and do all the things that are important to you, because that makes you who you are and she’d never want to change that.

You’ll realise you miss her when silly things happen throughout your day that you wish you could tell her about, or you’ve thought of something funny on a tangent that you know she’d laugh at even if she didn’t want to because she loved how your mind works.

When you figure out that you’re supposed to be with the girl who makes you feel like you’re good enough just the way you are. It might be too late.

The one who wants to encourage you in every step you’re taking in your life, who wants to help you be better if that’s what you want. Who’s excited to do this whole weird thing we call life with no one else but you. The two of you might have known where you’d end up but the middle was blurry and that’s ok because you were going to figure it out together.

You’ll realise eventually that the girl you’re supposed to be with may not tick every box off of your ‘what I wanted in another person‘ check list. But she doesn’t need to, because what you needed was actually what you never thought to expect, so maybe the universe knew exactly what you needed, but your ideas had become a bit confused.

Life works like that sometimes, it will throw you a curve ball when you don’t want it to, you’ve just got to be open to the idea of catching it … especially when it could win the whole game for you!

 

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That look she gives you

You know the look I’m talking about, the one she’s mastered especially for you, she doesn’t even consciously do it but when she hears you say “don’t look at me like that” she realises that her eyes are giving away how her body feels and all it does when she hears you say that, is make her want you even more.

She’ll lock into a crazy level of eye contact with you and slightly bite her lip with a slight smirk. And you know exactly what she’s telling you without her even having to vocalise it.

There’s no one else in the world that she looks at like that. It’s all for you. So when you’re not together and you’re going about your general day to day activities, remember that look she gives you that tells you she’s craving your body and wants your hands on her.

When she’s looking at you as if she’s about to eat you, consider yourself lucky. Because she doesn’t want anyone else like she wants you.

You know that when she looks at you like that, it drives you crazy and it’s one of the reasons she does it, because she loves to make you want her so much that it drives you mad.

That look she gives you will make you do a double take, it will make you not want to walk away from her in a room and most of all it will be one of the things that pops up in your mind when you think about her years from now if you’re not lucky enough to have her in your life anymore (that must suck).

There’s no one else who she’d rather be sat in front of giving this crazy amount of eye contact to than you. Her closed book don’t touch me approach means she never really wants anyone like this, but yet here the two of you are.

And once you finally give in and give her what she wants, each kiss you plant on her lips and her neck gets her groaning under her breath because she’s finally got exactly what she wants. You.

So think yourself lucky, that she’s mastered this look just to drive you crazy. She’s mastered it so that you know exactly what she’s feeling without even having to speak to you, she’s given the two of you a new level of connection and she won’t give that to anyone else.

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How to date someone with an anxious attachment style

Have you ever dated someone who freaked out when you didn’t call them back right away when you said you would? Perhaps you fell asleep, only to wake up to 15 missed calls and an assault of text messages.

Or perhaps you’ve dated someone who got upset that you didn’t give her enough attention and so she punished you by ignoring you, or broke up with you as a reaction to her feeling unloved. If this sounds familiar, chances are, you’ve dated someone with an anxious attachment style.

Our attachment system is a mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. Many attachment theorists believe that by the age of five, we develop a primary attachment style that will more or less define the way we emotionally bond and attach to others in our adult lives.

There are three primary attachment styles and 90% of us will be able to associate with either one or two of them: secure, avoidant and anxious.

None of which are bad or good by the way, there isn’t one in particular that you should aim to fall under. But this post is about how to love someone or be in a successful relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style (whether they know it or not).

People with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationship, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. They have an inherent fear of rejection and abandonment. Even a slight hint that something is wrong will activate their attachment system, and once activated they are unable to calm down until they get a clear indication from their partner that the relationship is safe.

If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment style, you just have to understand that their wiring is different from yours, and that they require higher levels of intimacy and closeness than people with secure attachment styles. You can learn what their what triggers are, and how to best respond to make them feel loved and supported. Here are some tips on how to date someone with an anxious attachment style:

Be consistent

Lack of safety is the underlying baseline that subconsciously rules an anxious’s way of perceiving their relationships. Many theorists attribute an anxious attachment style to inconsistent caregiving, where the baby/child never knew if they would have their needs met. Therefore, their attachment system goes haywire as a means of survival. Being hot and cold and mirroring the inconsistency they received as children will be one of their greatest triggers and cause them to react in a destructive way – so be consistent, opt for balance versus extreme peaks and valleys in your attention and energy.

Let them know how you feel – on a regular basis

Anxious types have difficulty believing that you actually like them and without clear signs indicating your interest, they will convince themselves that you don’t. They need reassurance that you care about them, that you’re sticking around and won’t abandon them. Sounds exhausting, but it’s really not that hard. A simple “I’m thinking of you” text or a phone call to check in can go a long way. If you assume they know how you feel, think twice. They don’t. Proactively tell them how you feel instead of holding it in.

When in a fight, reassure that you’re not leaving them

Studies show that people with an anxious attachment style are more sensitive and quicker to perceive offset emotions. They have a unique ability to sense when their relationship is being threatened. They have a tendency to think worst-case scenario because unconsciously, they deeply fear rejection and abandonment. When in a fight, they’re instinctive reaction is to think that the relationship is over. Their heightened alert system will make them think you’re going to leave them, so they will prepare for rejection and may even try to break up with you first. It’s important that you assure them that just because you’re in a fight, it doesn’t detract from how much you love and care about them and that a disagreement doesn’t mean the end.

Follow through on the little things

If you say you’ll call, do it. If you say you want to go out, make it happen. Follow through on promises – small or large. It’s extremely important to build trust with anxious types, who are used to being let down or disappointed. Since anxious types are more sensitive to cues, they pay more attention to the things you say and will remember the promises you make.

Don’t invalidate their feelings

So if you’re wondering why you’ve been drawn to someone like this it’s likely for an array of reasons, one being that they are very heart and feeling oriented and you like that, you like that they show that they like you. They have needs for intimacy, availability and security in a relationship that are necessary for them to feel safe so that they can trust and love with reckless abandon. Know that with the light, comes the dark, and the emotions that you love are also the emotions that become challenging for your logical, busy mind. Do not shame or judge them for feeling and instead show compassion. Understand why they’ve been feeling unsettled or upset by something without making them feel like it’s not important.

While it may sound challenging to date someone with an anxious attachment style, the good news is, through support from their partner and their own self-work, they can move from anxious to secure. Once they realize that they are safe, a healthier narrative becomes reaffirmed through time and experience, and they gradually rewire their baseline, so basically once they realise you’re in it for the long haul. They’ll calm down and just remain content. It’s the early relationship stages that freak them out.

While there’s a lot of information there. Hopefully it will help someone understand their relationship better.

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You’re not perfect. But it shouldn’t matter (here’s why)

Have you ever felt like the world expects perfection from you? Have you ever hidden away behind a mask of having every single little aspect of your life 100% together because you were afraid it would push someone away? Or have you ever downplayed your own pain to avoid being a burden to the people you love?

We have a problem in modern-day relationships. Today, we live in a world where our eyes gravitate towards false perfection. You see ideal couples on Facebook who look happier than you’ve ever been. You see influencers on Instagram who somehow seem to have it all together, better than you do. There is an endless stream of backup options at the tips of our fingers on a daily basis too. The second that something goes wrong in a significant relationship, it’s all too easy to jump online and welcome in whoever is next in line or go out and look for someone who’s convincingly faking it.

The bottom line is that we can’t make ourselves happy this way. Everyone has their challenges and faults, and part of life is trying to work through those and helping the people we love work through theirs. That doesn’t mean you want to change someone, it means you want to build with them.

What happens though when we start to feel like the perfection mentality has painted a big target on our backs and our lives? What do we do when the person we want to impress the most is the same person who picks us apart and puts us under a microscope? They’re under pressure to find someone who fits this bracket of perfect and never steps a foot wrong and with that comes a sense of holding onto and minor flaw.

The truth is that none of us are easy to handle by any means. We make stupid mistakes, but as long as we only make them once, then it’s just a valuable lesson. We can hurt each other, and we can also tend to be selfish in our relationships sometimes by being so focused on what we want to get out of it, or we come with some baggage. Whether it’s from our childhood, our mental health struggles or even the last loser who broke our hearts, we all have painful things we carry with us. If I can tell you one lesson that I’ve learned, it’s that life is too short to stay tied to a person who treats you like you are too hard to love because of your challenges.

You deserve to be with someone who sees past your flaws and is willing to help you overcome them. If the person you love expects you to be perfect at all times and never shows compassion for your struggles, you’re with the wrong one. The only person that deserves you, is the person who accepts your challenges and openly acknowledges that they have their own faults too and as a couple you work on those together.

You don’t deserve to lay awake at night feeling like you just can’t measure up to what your significant other expects. Shallow love will always float lazily at surface level, where you need to be poised and uncracked to keep them around. Pretending to have it all together can only keep a shallow love going for so long. The illusion will always fade.

What you do deserve, is an ocean deep connection that will not wither away at the first sign of trouble. If you run the risk of your partner walking away forever during the smallest of disagreements, that’s not a solid relationship. You should be able to face your challenges without having to constantly worry that your person isn’t going to stick around. The worst kind of relationship is the one where you have to repeatedly look back over your shoulder to make sure your partner is still there. Instead, you should be able to feel that your person is next to you, keeping up, and ready to face challenges head-on together. Life is about building together and pushing each other up. Life gets hard sometimes, that’s just how it is. But if you’re strong together it’s rewarding to push thorough it and come out the other side.

You deserve someone who accepts every bit of you, flaws and all. You deserve someone who would never hold your past against you, or treat you like you’re damaged goods or just not quite good enough. The relationship you should be in is the one that makes you finally feel safe to open up and be your imperfect, honest self. You may think that you are a lot to handle, but with the right person, you will never have to feel unlovable.

You deserve someone who sees you for who you really are, and doesn’t cower away to look for other options when things get rocky. You deserve honest commitment without strings attached. You should never have to beg someone to love you and be loyal to you. Having flaws is not an excuse for someone to discard you and move on to the next person until that person inevitably starts showing their flaws too. Because they’ll soon realise that they’ve gotten themselves into a pattern they can’t get out of. Constantly going after something that doesn’t exist, whether that’s to please themselves or others around them.

The only one you should give yourself to is the person who witnesses your chaos and willingly chooses to stay anyways. Don’t waste time chasing someone who wants you to be surface-level perfect. Wait for the type of love that remains strong no matter what glitz and glamour pass by you both. That’s something solid.

Most of all, save your heart for the one who is up for your challenges and is excited to build a future with you based knowing that there will be shit you have to work through together.

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So you’ve created a fake account (or you’re thinking about it)

So you’re sat there at home and you’ve talked yourself into a point where you feel like it’s totally fine and acceptable to create a fake social media account to stalk one of your ex’s. Sorry I mean to stalk ‘THE’ ex, the one you can’t seem to get over.

First of all I think we should all agree that you probably needed some kind of intervention before it got to this point, but never mind here we are.

Question number one in this situation will always need to be why you couldn’t just give them a follow on your actual account is already raising some serious alarms, so let’s consider some options as to why this could be shall we ….

  1. You cheated on them and now they’re doing better than you
  2. You’re the one that got cheated on and don’t want to seem pathetic
  3. They’ve been ignoring all your other methods of attempted contact
  4. They hate you (for whatever reason)
  5. You’re with someone else but still obsessing over them because you have an inability to be by yourself
  6. The shame of having them know you still want to see what they’re up to kills you inside
  7. Your actual profile just shows how shitty your life is without them

I think that’s enough reasons for now.

But lets revisit point five, you’re with someone else. If you chose to jump into a new relationship straight after the last one ended well it’s no shock that you’re in this position. Did you know on average it takes someone at least six months to get over a relationship as a minimum? But of course, this all depends of how intense and involved your relationship was.

If you’re still obsessing over what your ex is up to, then maybe you didn’t give yourself enough time alone to figure out who you are without them and replacing them with another body probably wasn’t the answer.

Ultimately, whatever your reason for creating a fake social media account for the purpose of stalking an ex, I think it’s safe to say you probably need a bit of help rather than the ability to see their life sprawled across your phone screen.