These past few months have been difficult. Trust me, I know.
You wake up each day with the intention of moving forward, but you are unavoidably reminded of him when your Spotify shuffles to that one song. Memories flood back of that time in his room, gazing out the window at the sun, feeling the most calm you’ve ever felt. He was your serenity and then he took it away.
You can’t help but think of him when you’re telling all these new people you’ve met about the story of why you are where you are. It’s these moments when you can’t help but recall how difficult it was to not fall in love with his seemingly flawless charm, how hard you fought against liking him for months on end just for his perseverance to pay off in the end when he had you fall for him harder than you’ve ever fallen for anyone.
You’ve never felt things that deeply for another person and as he was pulling away it just made you want to delve into the intricacies of his mind to see what was going on. You wanted to see what was beneath that outgoing, arrogantly confident persona because I mean after a while, he did in fact seem perfect to you, all you wanted to do was workout how you became so obsessed with someone who initially you had no interest in. Why was he the way he was.
The thing is, you assumed that everyone’s good and kind and open, like how you were. And so it was impossible to see the reality behind his deliberate façade. You couldn’t have known the truth at the time. Even if everyone around you was trying so hard to point it out.
He lured you in little by little, making sure to carefully conceal his numerous flaws. He was strategic with it all. And then, surely, when he had you securely in his palm, his utter sense of superiority inevitably began to creep into his comments or behaviour. His self-absorption would always find fault in you when things were clearly lacking on his end. In difficult moments, his demeaning and self-loathing side would berate you while embracing his victimhood. He was always perfect, and you were always flawed.
But you made excuses for him, I know. And please don’t beat yourself up over this, because the truth is, you’re a good person and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even when your friends were telling you you’d changed. You always wanted to see the best in him. You wanted to believe he was who he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. The guy who was there ready to give you everything, including his future.
You wanted to understand him and be the one woman who could keep him in his stage of being physically obsessed with you, so he didn’t get tempted by all the other women he could lure in with the arrogance and charm he gave off when he went out.
His power trip obsession meant he always needed to be in control, especially over how others saw him and felt about him. And you were just the biggest challenge he’d come across. The first one not to fall at his feet immediately
And despite the sheer devastation he caused, you’re still standing, you’re still here. You’ll find someone with the same heart as you, but he’ll stay wounded and will keep damaging others who happen to come across his path. Sucks to be them.
Just remember, it’s okay to not assume the worst in a human being. Most people in this world aren’t that horrible and even though this may seem difficult to believe right now, there’s nothing you could have done differently that would have changed how it ended. In typical narcissist fashion, he lured you in and spat you out. Leaving you as a shell of who you were before him.
But please know that this has nothing to do with your worth or value as a human being and everything to do with his deep-rooted insecurities and past. It has everything to do with the fact that he knows no other way to be, he needs to feel wanted and needs to get attention off others in any way he can, you were only providing love and affection but you would never have been enough forever. He didn’t know how to only get attention from one person.
So right now, just scream and shout as much as you want. Throw shit if you have to, because almost nothing compares to the pain you’re feeling. He took off his mask, and in the process of doing so, he left you broken. You’re probably still trying to process everything that happened, to make sense of everything and actually you know what, it will take a while.
But you know what, there is no “processing” with a person like him. There is no sense in his actions, and there is not one single instance that caused him to walk away. There was nothing you said or did that caused this.
So take all the anguish, the ache, and go for a long run until you can’t feel your legs, sit outside, spend times with genuine people who care about you. Care for yourself and pick yourself up, because you’ve been through a rough time. Repeat this each and every day until you feel like yourself again. Yes, the scar is very deep, but you’re a strong person, and you will move on. It hurts so badly because you gave everything you had in you, and that alone is a beautiful thing. Even if right now you’re sat thinking you never want to do that ever again.
But trust me, you’ll find someone eventually who makes you want to fall head over heels again, someone you get excited to give everything to.
It just takes time.