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A note on chasing after someone

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Chasing someone doesn’t seem so bad at first. After all, you want to show them you’re worth the trouble. You want them to know you’re willing to put effort into your relationship. You want them to see the best possible version of yourself.

You aren’t embarrassed about sending the first text or planning out a date with them because you want to impress them. You want to get on their good side. You want to sweep them off their feet.

You know relationships require hard work and you aren’t afraid to put in that work. Especially since you get something out of it. If you send the first text, you don’t have to mope around, waiting for them to text you. If you plan out the perfect date, you don’t have to worry about whether they picked something you’re both going to enjoy. In a way, doing all the work is easier (but maybe I’m bias because I’m a control freak).

But that feeling doesn’t last. As time passes, doing all the work will start to feel wrong.

It feels like you’re the only one who cares. It feels like you’re the only one who is bothering to put effort into whatever it is that the two of you have gotten into, while your person is sitting around, reaping the rewards of your planning and affection.

After a while, you stop feeling like you’re doing things because you want to make your partner happy and start feeling like you’re doing them because you have no other choice. After all, if you didn’t send the first text, you two probably wouldn’t talk for a week. If you didn’t plan out dates, you probably wouldn’t leave the house for a month. If you didn’t do the majority of the work, the entire relationship would fall apart.

Chasing someone is dangerous, because even if you end up with them, the relationship might not be equal. Your person might be used to you picking up the slack. They might expect you to do everything for them, without hesitation, without asking for anything in return. Your person might do exactly the same as they did when you were in your flirting stages, which is nothing.

You don’t want to spend too much time chasing someone, because the right person is going to put effort into the relationship too. They aren’t going to make you bend over backwards in order to impress them. They aren’t going to make you prove that you’re worthy of their love and attention.

The right person is going to send as many texts as you send. They’re going to plan as many dates as you plan. They’re going to make sure you aren’t stuck doing all the work because they want the relationship to succeed — and in order for that to happen, you both have to be invested. You both have to care. You both have to do your fair share.

As much as you like someone, you shouldn’t spend too much time chasing after them, because the right person isn’t going to run away from you. They’re going to run toward you.

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