I’ve missed your name on my phone

When I see your name pop up on my phone my stomach does this weird flip thing … it’s not the same reaction as I used to have, when I used to see your name come up on my phone I’d immediately smile. You’d be messaging me because you’d be thinking about me during the course of your day and that was cute.

Now I’m not sure what the point is. What’s the point of these occasional checks in’s you do? It’s as though you still want contact with me, but only on your terms, or just when you fancy it. We’ll go months without speaking and then you’ll come back again as if nothing has happened.

Was taking to me all day every day too much for you? Did you get bored? These days I’d be happy to leave you on read and not rush to respond, but that’s not how it used to be. I’d be dying to respond to you immediately, because I’d love our conversations.

A lot of the discussion around messaging people these days caters to the exact opposite of what it actually is, which is just a digital form of communication and communication happens when we want to build or salvage a connection.

Nowadays it seems more like a sort of zero-sum game where the winner is the one sought-after and the loser is the one doing the seeking. This is a game measured by empty arrows, read receipts, time stamps and so on, which, make no mistake, the creators of these messaging apps are well aware of.

I don’t want to be a winner or loser in this situation, to me there is no game to be played here. Are you messaging because you’re questioning how you feel and you want to somehow reaffirm something? Is it just a message to see if any response is achieved? And once you get a response …. then what? Will you go back to your own life again, the one where I’m not a feature.

Or maybe your name is popping back up on my phone because you’ve missed the communication, maybe you miss me? Maybe you want to know if I miss you too?

But you know how I know I’m no longer bothered? I’ll double message you …. when I actually care I get so worried about someones opinions and them thinking I’m needy, I avoid sending two messages in one go at all costs, like excessive communication with someone you genuinely care about is a bad thing (how ridiculous) but surely it’s good to feel needed?

So yes, I’ve missed seeing you name pop up on my phone, but now it’s back again I’ve realised I didn’t actually miss it in the way I thought I would at all.

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