Month: January 2019

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Will Chemistry Fade?

Most of us, if we’ve been lucky enough, have had that one person in our lives …. the person that makes us feel like our skins on fire when they touch us (in a good way, not in a … I’m going to hell kind of way)

It’s that instant spark they ignite in us even when we wish they wouldn’t. But is that kind of chemistry something that can disappear?

Sexual chemistry isn’t something that’s just in our heads though, it’s backed up by science too! The scientific reasons behind being almost physically obsessed by someone aren’t as weird as you may think … Pheromones are one of the top factors behind sexual chemistry (ok, maybe it’s a bit weird). So potentially our sexual desires are being led by our noses?

In a way yes, but fortunately this is something our body judges on autopilot …. if we think someone smells good, then we most likely have sexual chemistry with them that’s beyond our control.

And this has really bought to my attention some memories that have stuck in my mind from when I was with the person that I had the most addictive chemistry with, that kind of confirms the idea of pheromones.

I remember when I used to wake up in the mornings next to him, I’d roll over and breath in the smell of his neck and kiss him gently. I guess science backs this up, but I always thought he smelt amazing, I’d want to keep my face buried in his neck all day and I always made sure I told him how incredible I thought he smelt.

I remember kissing him being addictive (something not backed up by science). Almost toxic, like poison seeping into my veins and I was willingly letting it. His touch would feel like it was searing into my skin. I know it’s deadly but I’d risk it anyway and I’d take that risk any time it was offered to me. Because even now I think it would be too hard to ignore.

I can’t help but wonder if that type of chemistry with someone will ever fade. Even if you haven’t seen that person for a few hours or a few years, maybe they’ll still have the ability to stir something up inside you that will make you want to rip their clothes off.

I’ve always thought having undeniable chemistry with someone has the potential to be quite a turbulent situation and that’s speaking from experience. Being so consumed by the chemistry you have with another person, definitely has the ability to cloud your judgement in any situation you find yourself in with them.

But if I saw him tomorrow, walking down the street. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way than as obsessed as I was all those years ago. Having someone ignite that kind of response in you is rare and you try and hold on to it so tight that most of the time that spark you have, just ends up burning you.

You find yourself so taken by them you want to spend every second you possibly can with them and only them. You don’t want to share them with anyone else around you. That’s when this becomes a problem …..

But what if you don’t care? Or what if you don’t care enough to pay attention?

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Heart Break Is Character Building

Maybe I wouldn’t be the psychopath I am now if I hadn’t had my heart broken in the way I had?

But maybe it’s taught me valuable lessons, like not everyone has the best of intentions. Not everyone will always have your best interest at heart, even when they look you straight in the eye and tell you they love you, even when they do that …. it turns out they also have the ability to lie straight to your face.

If I hadn’t had my heart broken maybe I’d be more careless with my feelings, maybe I’d scare people off with how freely I love them?

I’m glad I lost some of my naivety when it comes to love, I’m glad I’ve learnt not to blindly believe everything people say. Because if I hadn’t learnt those, maybe people would think I’m a sucker when it comes to love.

I’m glad my heart was broken because it’s also broken my rose tinted glasses, the ones that I used to look at love and romance through. Without those rose tinted glasses I can see all the imperfections that make up real relationships.

I can happily look at flawed relationships and realise they’re ok, you don’t have to be physically obsessed with someone to have a good relationship with them. In fact, the less obsessed with someone you are the clearer you can see everything going on around you. A clear head means clear evaluations! And they are very important when it comes to deciding what to give your energy to.

The heartbreak I’ve gone through has ultimately made me who I am and I no longer hide my flaws from anyone. I’ll openly tell people what to expect when they date me, I won’t try and hide behind an altered version of myself that I know will make me come across better … I don’t need to try and sell myself to someone.

If you don’t like me, someone else will.

So I guess I owe a thank you to the ones who have broken my heart, the ones who have left me with body issues and zero confidence, because ultimately it’s made me push myself to become better.

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Toxic Relationships

It’s funny how we become more attached to toxic relationships than healthy ones that help us grow.

The toxic ones are the ones we stick out for longer than we should, trying to hold on to any element of it that seems salvageable. But realistically, none of it is worth salvaging anyway.

But how can we tell when a relationship has moved from healthy to toxic? Is the person you’re with helping you grow and shape a future you’ll be proud of, is the life you’re in right now the one you hoped for when you were little? Would the past you, be proud of the present you?

If you’ve had to give any of the questions above a second thought, you may want to spend some time evaluating what you’re currently putting yourself through and why.

Holding on to toxic people will stunt your growth, it will stunt your life progress and it ultimately stunts your ability to love, both yourself and others. It keeps you from seeing what was meant to be, because you are too focused on what never will be. That’s the thing with toxic people. They are like leeches, they take and give nothing back and they will never stop until you cut them off and walk away.

I’ve known quite a few of my friends, both male and female to find themselves in relationships that all those around them can see is toxic but they can’t. Toxicity can be blinding, remember that.

You know that thing that people say, about how people choose the love they think they deserve? Well you deserve more. So believe that and choose more.

Ultimately it’s a lot easier said than done and I know that, but when they make you feel guilty when you don’t have the same interests or don’t always want to do the same activities as them, if they ignore your needs and expect you to give up the things that make you happy to make room for theirs: whether it be your friends, hobbies, alone time, etc. They have chosen the idea of you, but want it on their terms, without the things they consider “lame” or “a burden”. They want to mold you into what they think you should be to fit their needs, and they never stop to care what you need or want. But don’t let them! Choose to find someone who accepts all of you, someone who lets you be you and loves you even more for it.

But you didn’t, you’ve let someone change the funny confident up beat version of you that I was so close to all those years ago and that’s a shame. But just remember, it’s never too late to choose yourself and cut those toxic people from your life that want to change you and stunt your growth.

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

“It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok”

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.

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Star Crossed Lovers

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Let me paint the scene for you …..

You’ve been seeing someone now for a few weeks, you’re getting on well. You’ve been learning lots about them and it all seems positive! You’re excited …. maybe this ones forever?!

You know you shouldn’t, but you do … I mean you have to right? You flick your laptop on, you put his name into your Facebook search bar and manage to find him instantly (obviously, who isn’t good at some light online stalking) but this isn’t about stalking through his past, finding all his ex’s or checking to see where he likes to hang out with his friends … no this is far more important. You click on his about tab, carefully scrolling through until you find that vital bit of information … got it!

So, October 1st …. that makes him a Libra.

Now the real analysis begins. Imagine if after all this time I find out that our star signs just aren’t compatible. GAME OVER!

Any girl who says she doesn’t do a star sign compatibility check on a guy she likes is a liar, we all do it, might as well shamelessly own up.

So, according to the ten various astrology sites that are now etched onto my browser history (could be worse) “a Taurus and a Libra are a bit of a wild card when it comes to compatibility, sometimes they work” … wait SOMETIMES? No, that’s not good enough, I’ll keep looking, the first ten could be confused.

“Taurus and Libra can end up seeming needy to one another, Taurus to Libra because of their emotional neediness and Libra to Taurus because of their physical one” 

Oh. well, I don’t class myself as being emotionally needy anyway so I’m sure it’s fine, I’ll read on.

“they are still two signs ruled by Venus and can be very attracted to each other”

Yes! Exactly, see I knew it would work out eventually.

“with enough patience they could be a really good fit”

Ok, well on that note I’ll have to bow out. Patience is not something I have. It was good while it lasted but it’s just not written in the stars for us.

*Unsubscribes from astrology weekly newsletter*

Next ….

 

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What I Want .. Really

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I don’t think I want a relationship with someone, I’ve become far too selfish with my own time to share it with someone else. I’m not sure how I would fit in the responsibility of pleasing another person.

This year is going to be a selfish one for me and as from September I won’t even be UK based anymore, maybe the men on the other side of the world are what I need, instead of these delicate London men who are scared to argue with you and just want to please you 24/7 because it makes their life easier.

So that brings me onto what I want. I want someone to argue with, I want someone who will happily tell me when they disagree with me, someone who tells me no and means it.

I’m bored now, bored of getting what I want at the drop of a hat. I shouldn’t be able to get whatever I want all the time without really even deserving it. I feel like a spoilt child when it comes to my love life, I need men to stop letting me walk all over them. I don’t find it fun anymore.

But seriously, where are the guys who put their foot down, who argue back when you make snide remarks at them. For goodness sake … why won’t you bite at my unnecessary bitchy comments! You know what the best part of arguing with someone is …. the make up sex. And if that isn’t something you knew, you’ve been doing things all wrong.

You know that scene from The Notebook, where she walks away from him and says she’s going off to be with someone else? Yeah, the one where he shouts and screams at her because he doesn’t agree with her decisions and what she’s doing …. where can I find that? I want someone to tell me I’m being crazy or that I’m a pain in the arse and I want them to mean every word.

Stop giving me this platonic bullshit of “oh I’m sorry you feel that way, I can totally understand what you mean, I was wrong” you probably weren’t wrong at all! But I like to push peoples buttons, it’s what I do! So if I try and push your buttons just to find that they’re well and truly off …. well that will bore me. Sorry.

Maybe it’s just me who wants that kind of fire with someone, maybe other people will be happy in their calm relationships, where both people just agree with each other all the time and can sail through life with no kind of passion or intensity?

But right now, what I want is someone to argue with. Really.