You might call it mean, I call it honest. And of course, the truth hurts, but it needs to be said at some point right?
You probably think I was stringing you along and playing games. I’m sure that’s what you’ll tell yourself to make it easier because that’s what it looked like. Just know that wasn’t my original intention, that’s not how I felt when it all started between us.
I did everything you’re supposed to do when you like someone. I reeled off every cheesy line that I knew you wanted to hear, I texted you back (most of the time within 24hrs) and matched every bit of affection you gave me with a big smile.
What I didn’t tell you was that my judgment got clouded because I was so focused on your interest in me. As sad as that sounds, it’s true. I got caught up in it all and didn’t take time to process what was actually going on in my heart properly.
I became totally fixated on the idea of being wanted by someone, but not just anyone … it was you. So I numbed everything else, all the feelings that I should have payed attention to I just blocked them out, all the ones that were telling me this wasn’t really what I wanted.
Every text and touch from you switched on the voices in my brain that told me to like you (or that I should like you). That this could work. So, I believed them.
But once I took a step back, I realised I didn’t like you, not how you liked me. And I definitely didn’t want to keep going forward with this stupid phase of attention I was getting from you.
I liked the attention you gave me, I feed off the initial attention anyone gives me, but with you it felt different. I needed your attention for a while, it made me feel like I had some kind of power over my own life again.
I liked the idea of you.
I liked the idea of our potential and everything within me was begging for my heart to be as into you as my head was. I kept telling myself that maybe this could be the time where everything changes. That maybe there was something there when I knew there wasn’t.
But love doesn’t work like that. It should feel much more beautiful, complicated and simple all at the same time. I know I can’t force it when it’s not there, but every cheesy song and romcom has assured me that I will be certain in my head and my heart when it’s right, when I’m really into someone, I won’t even need to question it.
And we weren’t right, we definitely didn’t feel right to me. You didn’t set my heart on fire so I guess you just weren’t what I wanted after all.
So, the truth is, yes, I only liked the attention you gave me, for a while.
But, can you blame me? It’s easy to get caught up in a moment like this from time to time.
In this day and age, everything becomes misconstrued and temporary. We become numb and latch onto anything that keeps us from being bored when we’re single. I latched onto you and the attention you were so keen to give me.
And by the time I realised this, it all kind of seemed to be too late. I’d gone along with it for slightly too long to just shrug it all off and carry on with my life like nothing had happened.