I think to the people I choose to love I come off rather intense sometimes. That doesn’t bother me … I like giving my all to something when I choose to.
Do you remember one of the first nights we went out together?
I made sure you lost me in the crowd of people in that club and when you found me you caught me playfully laughing and flirting with a stranger. Yet, I still went home with you. It was just a game. You laughed about pulling me off another man and taking me home to make sure I was safe and out of anyone else’s reach. It didn’t bother you that I tried to test you. I wanted to see if you could handle my wild side, the side that wants to be wanted by everyone.
I’m a mess and you saw that right away, but you still told me all the sweet things I loved to hear you say. You still held me tight,even when I tried to push you away. You still made an effort to get to know me from the inside out. You tried.
I can admit that sometimes I come off strong, but I’d never felt such intense feelings for someone so quickly. I don’t blame you for being afraid either. After all … I don’t know how to love conventionally how most people do, love should be calm … or so I’ve been told. So, when I fall for someone I tend to get a bit reckless. I scare them away with my chaos.
I wanted to love you because you touched me in ways no one else has and somehow your saw through my layers. You started to peeled them back but I think you were afraid of what you saw when you did.
I knew this all along and tried so hard to hide the fact I saw you get scared, because I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle me telling you. People don’t go searching for disaster. They get stuck with it and will try and hard as possible to avoid it, I would have been disastrous for you.
I wanted to calm down to be less of me for you and I tried. But soon I realised that trying to do this only built up the chaos in my heart even more. I couldn’t contain it, which is too bad because I wanted so badly to love you in the way you wanted me to. I just don’t think that it was ever possible for me. I couldn’t love you calmly.
I can only love chaotically. I can only love passionately, ferociously and there is always damage left behind after I do so. You could tell right away. It’s why you took a few steps back.
You told me you couldn’t be in a relationship, but I knew it was just me you couldn’t be with. I know I was too much for you. I know that you were scared to love me, because my feelings were intense and I can’t do anything half heartedly, I enjoyed being obsessed with you.
I get it … I suppose. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.
Besides, I have found love before. I have been loved with the same intensity I give to others. He met me in the middle of my chaos and although it ended in a ball of flames, I know that it was the most real love I’ve ever felt. I know that I can be loved, just not by someone who isn’t strong enough to do so, or someone that is scared to love intensely.
I can be a disaster, like a walking tornado or a fire that no one can put out. I’m happy to be the center of attention in the middle of a crowded dance floor. The thing is, you saw this and part of you wanted to experience what I could give, but only the good parts. You only took what you wanted and left behind the parts that seemed like too much for you to handle at times.
But, you don’t get to choose which parts to love of someone. You don’t get to take away pieces, enjoy them, and run off with them when you feel like you can’t handle someone for who they are completely.
So, I’m taking my mess somewhere else. I’m freeing myself of the box you made for me because there’s someone who will see it all and want it all. They’ll get exited by the chaos and want to be in the middle of it to experience it all.
I know that sometimes I can be a little too crazy, but some people see that and crave the experience of my presence, all of it. I will only give it to them if I know they’ll be able to handle it. I will only allow those who are strong enough to be next to me in life and to enter my heart. What’s the point of pretending to be less of myself?
So, I’m walking away and I’m taking everything with me, the chaos and the calm.
You don’t get to take one part of me and leave the rest behind. You get all of me or nothing at all. So I suggest you find someone who can be less of everything for you …. someone who you can handle.