Month: December 2018

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Romance Vs Social Media

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Has social media led to the downfall of romantic gestures? Instead of sending flowers we send DM’s and instead of writing someone a heartfelt note, we comment fire emojis under the selfie we like the look of … doesn’t scream romance to me!

Where can we expect our meet cute to happen if we’re all so scared of approaching people in real life?

Meet Cute: a scene in which the two people who will form a future romantic couple meet for the first time.

‘Playing’ Tinder is our latest boredom buster. One of the many dating apps we forget about until we realise we haven’t had any easily accessible attention for a while. We post half naked pictures onto our Instagram feeds because we revel in the fleeting appreciation we get from random strangers. Most of us leave our profiles on public because we enjoy being seen by others. But is social media really allowing us to be ‘seen’?

Ask your parents how they met, it’s highly unlikely they will say through online dating. Go back 20 or 30 years and people were meeting in pubs, or being hooked up via their group of friends. They weren’t swiping right, left or every direction in between while sat on the toilet hoping to find the love of their life and ultimately the person they wanted to create a family with. They were out there meeting people, speaking face to face, doing the most normal thing imaginable that we consider kind of weird now … they were interacting!

I want someone to write me letters telling me how much I mean to them, I want them to be stood in front of me telling me how beautiful I am. I don’t want them to comment emojis under my social media posts to show that they have an appreciation for me. I want them to show me off …. but not on social media. Take me to meet your friends and family face to face, so I can see the expression on your face as you introduce us. I don’t really care about the opinions of millions of people I don’t know, I don’t need them to all ‘approve’ of us.

Take me for lazy Sunday strolls, instead of laying next to me having a lazy Sunday ‘scroll’ through all of your social media platforms. Is romance too much to expect nowadays? Is it weird holding on to the hope of meeting Prince Charming at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve?

Imagine having a meet cute story like that … one where you saw each other from across the bar and it was love at first sight, that’s the kind of story people are jealous of. I’ve never seen a fairytale using the opening line of ‘once upon a swipe’ …  and if I did, I probably wouldn’t read on! Lets be honest, we all know how a Tinder date ends and unless having a drunk quickie with your clothes on is romantic to you, I don’t think you’d read on expecting a happily ever after either … I mean, I guess it’s kind of a happy ending in it’s own way, just not the type I’m after for here!

So for all of us hopeless romantics still hoping to find their forever romance the old fashioned way, I say keep trying. The offline world is far prettier than the online one anyway.

 

 

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Voice Note First … Date Second

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I’m not a fan of online dating. It reminds me of being down the sweet aisle at the super market. You’re presented with SO MUCH choice, all the options luring you in with their colourful wrapping and fancy quirks but ultimately, when you take your choice home you realise it’s bad for you and tastes like shit. That’s what I think of when someone asks for my opinion of online dating. Too much choice and always ends up being crap anyway.

When you’re bored you’ll scroll through the apps on your phone aimlessly, where people post the highlights of their life to make them seem more interesting and subsequently more ‘dateable’, but a few weeks in you’ll realise that they weren’t what you wanted after all. They’re not quite the version of themselves they had advertised.

I treat online dating as more of a hobby, something that keeps me actively within the dating scene rather than using it as a tool that will actually find me love. All the people you end up meeting are ultimately nothing that you expect and most definitely not the person you imagine you’ll spend forever with. All of my single friends agree that online dating is just a way of making sure you don’t forget how to flirt, you need to make sure you’re well versed for when you actually bump into ‘the one’.

Although not everyone may be as you expect when you meet them off of an online platform, there is one thing you can do which I believe will save you a lot of disappointment!

Get them to send a voice note before you meet them … this might sound like a really minor thing, but someones voice can tell you a lot about them! It can definitely reveal far more than a few text exchanges.

You like accents? Great, well the guy you’re about to meet has a very strong European one and now you know exactly how attracted you’ll be to the words that fall from his mouth. Or maybe you don’t like accents? Well … did you not realised the name he had displayed on his profile (Jo) had been shortened from José? Lucky escape here then, now you won’t have to hide your disappointment from the moment he says hello and kisses your cheek.

Maybe you like someone who comes across manly and in control of things going on around him? Good job he sent you that voice note of that weird laugh giggle he does then aye? Maybe that’s something you can look past, I don’t know. But what I do know is that you’re prepared, it won’t be a shock turn off that you’ll have to hide. Maybe you won’t mind that he’s not as macho as you’re wanting, because you’ve been having such great conversations.

So you cant stand talking to a girl who uses the word ‘mate’ excessively … ask her to send you a voice note about her day! Getting someone to speak in a long sentence will make sure they use all the normal vocabulary that they do in every day life, it will be easier to catch a slip up that way. Now you won’t have to grimace away from her when she calls you mate, as an expression of excitement about something you’re telling her.

Maybe you’ve realised that they say ‘erm’ a lot? At least now you know it wasn’t just first date nerves, thats actually their choice of sentence filler. Find it annoying? At least you found out before you met them!

A voice note can save you from a thousand awkward situations, you will no longer be as in the dark before you meet someone like you may have been previously. You now know more about them, but obviously it doesn’t mean you should make all of your prejudgements this way! Good luck.

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What We’ve Learnt From Previous Relationships

Looking back at past experiences where love was once involved can sometimes be quite daunting. It can be scary thinking about the past and how it’s lead you to where you are now.

I’ve seen a countless number of my friends go through break ups that have had them crying their eyes out but ultimately ending up feeling stronger at the end of it. I’ve known the person who has walked away and I’ve also known the person who’s been walked away from and seeing it from both sides makes it easier to understand why people do what they do. One thing I have learnt is that no one ever breaks someone’s heart spur of the moment, normally it’s been lots of little events that have driven them to that defining point (either that or one of you has just been a total prick to the other person)

I’ve been in relationships where I feel unsure about whether or not I should stay or leave. I’ve had to ask myself if I should I stay just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, or if I want to stay because I love them despite the fact I know they’re not treating me how they should.

We’ve all learnt things from our previous relationships and here’s a list of things people have told me they’ve learnt from their ex loves. Some things that may help others and some that they just wanted to get off their chest when it comes to talking about the shit part of a relationship… the end:

1. Even when you don’t want to walk away, you should always listen to your gut instinct … sometimes it’s telling you things your heart doesn’t want to hear.

2. A cheat is always a cheat, it doesn’t matter how much you believe they will change for you. They won’t.

3. Your friends will see their flaws way before you do. Sometimes you should try and see things from their point of view. Being blind sided by someone fucking sucks.

4. If they move on quicker than you after you break up, it isn’t something you should take personally, just shows their true colours.

5. Sometimes people want to be in a relationship so bad they will become an altered version of themselves to please you. But that charade won’t last forever!

6. Getting under someone to get over someone is perfectly acceptable! Never feel ashamed for wanting to experience other people.

7. Be with someone who’s also your best friend. They’ll never be the person who keeps you awake at night worrying about what their doing.

8. Attraction alone won’t keep two people together for very long. A relationship needs to be so much more than that.

9. Without having both trust and communication within a relationship you’ll never be able to grow together and if you can’t grow together, where’s your future?

10. Ultimately love must be ABSOLUTE trust. A relationship without trust is like a phone without signal, all you end up doing is playing games.

11. Trying to change the person you’re with is a pretty big red flag that you’re probably not with the right person in the first place.

12. Hustle together! If you’re both driven towards goals for a shared future, very few things will be able to shake that.

13. A mutual respect for each other as individual people is very important. You don’t need to be glued at the hip 24/7 to show you love each other.

14. Ultimately, if they’re going to cheat. Nothing you can do or say will stop them. You can check their phone if you want but it won’t prevent their actions.

15. Make sure you love yourself before you try and love anyone else. Sounds cheesy, but the more you care about others opinions the more it can effect your relationship.

16. You think you know love, but that heartache you get when they leave. That’s the love, sucks but it’s true.

17. Lust is NOT love. Infatuation is not long term and that fire will burn you at some point.

18. There is no right way to handle a break up. Do not let your friends or family make you feel bad about how you’re processing your own emotions. You wanna shag a dude …. you shag a dude!

19. Feeling lonely when they’re sat right beside you is far worse than actually being alone. If they make you feel like that, you’re better of by yourself.

20. Women talk. If you upset them their whole circle of friends will know. Be prepared to apologise to more than one female when you’re in a relationship.

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I Liked The Attention You Gave Me

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You might call it mean, I call it honest. And of course, the truth hurts, but it needs to be said at some point right?

You probably think I was stringing you along and playing games.  I’m sure that’s what you’ll tell yourself to make it easier because that’s what it looked like.  Just know that wasn’t my original intention, that’s not how I felt when it all started between us.

I did everything you’re supposed to do when you like someone. I reeled off every cheesy line that I knew you wanted to hear, I texted you back (most of the time within 24hrs) and matched every bit of affection you gave me with a big smile.

What I didn’t tell you was that my judgment got clouded because I was so focused on your interest in me.  As sad as that sounds, it’s true. I got caught up in it all and didn’t take time to process what was actually going on in my heart properly.

I became totally fixated on the idea of being wanted by someone, but not just anyone … it was you. So I numbed everything else, all the feelings that I should have payed attention to I just blocked them out, all the ones that were telling me this wasn’t really what I wanted.

Every text and touch from you switched on the voices in my brain that told me to like you (or that I should like you). That this could work. So, I believed them.

But once I took a step back, I realised I didn’t like you, not how you liked me. And I definitely didn’t want to keep going forward with this stupid phase of attention I was getting from you.

I liked the attention you gave me, I feed off the initial attention anyone gives me, but with you it felt different. I needed your attention for a while, it made me feel like I had some kind of power over my own life again.

I liked the idea of you.

I liked the idea of our potential and everything within me was begging for my heart to be as into you as my head was. I kept telling myself that maybe this could be the time where everything changes. That maybe there was something there when I knew there wasn’t.

But love doesn’t work like that. It should feel much more beautiful, complicated and simple all at the same time. I know I can’t force it when it’s not there, but every cheesy song and romcom has assured me that I will be certain in my head and my heart when it’s right, when I’m really into someone, I won’t even need to question it.

And we weren’t right, we definitely didn’t feel right to me. You didn’t set my heart on fire so I guess you just weren’t what I wanted after all.

So, the truth is, yes, I only liked the attention you gave me, for a while.

But, can you blame me? It’s easy to get caught up in a moment like this from time to time.

In this day and age, everything becomes misconstrued and temporary.  We become numb and latch onto anything that keeps us from being bored when we’re single. I latched onto you and the attention you were so keen to give me.

And by the time I realised this, it all kind of seemed to be too late. I’d gone along with it for slightly too long to just shrug it all off and carry on with my life like nothing had happened.

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You Deserve Better (This Was Not Written By James Arthur)

He’s treating you like an option and you deserve better than that. You know it, I know it and let’s be honest, he probably does too.

But you’re letting him get away with treating you like a disposable nappy, you are not disposable and you are most definitely not a nappy … the only one full of shit around here is him. You think you’re done and then you’ll get a message from him saying he misses you, or that his current girlfriend is ok but she’ll never be you.

On that part, he’s right, she never will be you … you’re a whole different person to her, made up of totally different atoms, but that doesn’t mean that you’re better than she is (sorry). If you were everything he wanted, he would be with you. But he isn’t is he? The only time he’s really ‘present’ for you is when he wants to have sex with you.

You guys might have history, but it’s just that, it’s history. And do you want to know what the definition of history is?

History: the study of past events, particularly in human affairs. Or in our personal lives, we can view it as the whole series of past events connected with a particular person or thing.

Your history is your past and it’s what makes you, well …. you. But your history has no right to define your future. You do not need to keep letting your past come back and bite you in the arse, or in this case grab it. We learn wonderful things from our past experiences, they shape us into wiser people, even when those experiences are difficult and maybe suck. Ultimately you’ll always grow from what you’ve been through so try and embrace it.

So, to my beautiful friends who find themselves reading this and thinking ‘oh god she’s writing about me’ maybe I am, but only because I want you to know that everyone who is currently in your life brining positive elements to you, love you in a way that he never will do.

Don’t text him back just because you feel lonely and he gives you a sense of familiarity, don’t get upset when you see pictures of him with the girl who has taken your space … you didn’t want it remember? If anything, you’re looking at the girl you gave your space to because you outgrew it. You outgrew him and you’ll continue to do so, through the things that you experience that have nothing to do with the version of yourself you were when you guys were together.

Getting over someone is hard, but it gets easier. I’ll be honest, years down the line you may suddenly be struck by some painful memories of being with that person and normally this happens when you least expect it, when you’re with someone else, happily getting on with your own life. But … you’re no longer thinking about them every day, you’re no longer wishing you were with them and you sure as hell don’t wish you were still together. The person they were when you first fell in love is no longer there, they’ve changed as well and trust me, you don’t want that person. The one who no longer adores you and treats you with respect. Memories can be bitter sweet but everyone has them!

So here’s a tip I’ve used repeatedly when trying to get over someone who I never thought I would:

1.Think of 5 negative situations you were in with them at some point during your relationship, this should be situations where they’ve made you feel less yourself, or angry or hurt.

2.Think about the whole event that made you feel like that and replay it in your head.

3.Think of each of those five situations three times over and again. Any time you feel yourself missing them, try this!

It will gradually reprogram your brain slightly and those rose tinted glasses that you were seeing them through will suddenly become much clearer.

You’re welcome!

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To The Guys Who Think They’re The Shit

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You are in fact not the shit and you have zero reason to be as egotistical as you actually are, cut the crap and accept the fact that in reality you’re a 5/10 on a good day for your looks and a 2/10 in bed. Sorry to be the one to break the news and here are the reasons why, just incase you want to take note for the next female you disappoint:

  • I’ve listened to songs that lasted longer than you
  • You DO NOT go down on a woman and suck, that is not how it goes. Who have you been giving oral sex to, men?
  • Don’t get an ego boost from when I’ve said you feel good, I say it to all of them. Guys seem to like it
  • Why can you only have sex missionary? Are you just that vanilla?
  • If you think just taking off a woman’s underwear means she’ll automatically be turned on, you’re a fucking idiot
  • Wasting 3 minutes of my life for a three thrusts situation … totally unacceptable
  • Getting so nervous you cant keep it up is actually VERY disappointing .. even if us women say its ok, its kind of not
  • You’re not 15, do not cover me in love bites I don’t need to leave you with a mark of shame
  • DO NOT bite my nipples so hard it feels like you’re trying to detach them from my body. That will not get me in the mood
  • You’re not trying to compete in the worlds fastest thruster competition, slow the fuck down

I actually take great pleasure in telling you that you’re not the shit, you are in fact … just shit. You were shit at everything, but you shouldn’t have been for having the ego that you did. And on a final note, no it doesn’t happen to everyone and no it is not ok.

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Next Year

Next year I’m not going to chase anyone.

I’m not going to let arse holes walk in and out of my life as and when they please. If you want me stay, if you don’t then leave. Don’t ghost for a month or so and then pop back up on my phone like nothing happened, I’m not down for that kind of attitude thanks.

I’m not going to stand for anyone giving me half assed efforts, either give me all of you or just sod off. I won’t be standing for time wasters, or people who aren’t sure what they want. Don’t be a cop out. Be sure about wanting me and if you are sure, then tell me there’s nothing sexier than confidence. I know far too many people who have told me too late how they feel, don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day. If you have something to say, then say it.

In all honesty, deep down everyone does really know who they want and who they don’t. They just get scared to tell the truth. But if you can’t be honest with me then I don’t want to know, honesty is what builds the solid foundations of a relationship, something which I didn’t learn from my last experience of being with someone.

Next year I won’t be going on second dates with people I don’t instantly feel a spark with, I won’t wait around to see if it’s something that could build into being beautiful or not, I won’t be wasting my own time like that again like I’ve done this year.

Next year, I’m going to try not to put the nice guys as second best, the ones that treat me with respect. I will not go back to dating fuck boys.

Next year will be different, next year will be a me year. When I get back into my fitness regime and looking after myself better, I’ll replace Wednesday night dates with Wednesday night PT sessions and late night last minute plans to early nights and more time spent at home chilling out.

I can’t wait for next year year.

*insert ironic standard new year new me quote here, not really … I’m not that person*

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Archive It

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Why am I so impulsive? Why do I react to stupid things so bloody dramatically?

The non-healthy way of dealing with saying or doing something stupid is clearly just to pretend like it never happened and with the beautiful creation of social media, us impulsive females have constant access to have the ability of posting something or sending a message that we probably really shouldn’t … however with that also comes the ability to archive a chat and move the fuck on.

Send a passive aggressive message to an ex late at night? Archive it … pretend like it never happened.

Been dating a guy for a few months who then suddenly ghosts on you? Archive that shit, you don’t need a constant reminder of that negative situation in your life.

Ok so maybe I’m a little bit guilty of taking this approach to life one too many times, however, it certainly helps me to move on from the mistakes I’ve made. Although I kind of wish my phone didn’t make it so easy for me to say things to people I probably really bloody shouldn’t.

So I’ve decided to highlight some questions below for me to ask myself before acting quite so impulsively in the future to things that annoy me, hopefully that way there will be less men for me to archive off of my phone in the future ….

• Will I still be bothered by this in a weeks’ time? If the answer to this is no, then for goodness sake don’t say something to someone that you don’t need to.

• Once I’ve pressed send will I be filled with an overwhelming sense of fearing waiting to see if I get a response?

• Will saying/sending whatever it is I’m thinking of, really make me feel any better?

• Does it REALLY need to be said? Is silence and no reaction the key here?

• Remember … you can’t move to a new country quite yet, so I to try and not ruin my life.

If any of these questions resonate with you as well, then congratulations because you’re probably as impulsive and psycho as I am, but its ok, just own it.

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I’m Just Chaos In A Pretty Wrapper

I think to the people I choose to love I come off rather intense sometimes. That doesn’t bother me … I like giving my all to something when I choose to.

Do you remember one of the first nights we went out together?

I made sure you lost me in the crowd of people in that club and when you found me you caught me playfully laughing and flirting with a stranger. Yet, I still went home with you. It was just a game. You laughed about pulling me off another man and taking me home to make sure I was safe and out of anyone else’s reach. It didn’t bother you that I tried to test you. I wanted to see if you could handle my wild side, the side that wants to be wanted by everyone.

I’m a mess and you saw that right away, but you still told me all the sweet things I loved to hear you say. You still held me tight,even when I tried to push you away. You still made an effort to get to know me from the inside out. You tried.

I can admit that sometimes I come off strong, but I’d never felt such intense feelings for someone so quickly. I don’t blame you for being afraid either. After all … I don’t know how to love conventionally how most people do, love should be calm … or so I’ve been told. So, when I fall for someone I tend to get a bit reckless. I scare them away with my chaos.

I wanted to love you because you touched me in ways no one else has and somehow your saw through my layers. You started to peeled them back but I think you were afraid of what you saw when you did.

I knew this all along and tried so hard to hide the fact I saw you get scared, because I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle me telling you. People don’t go searching for disaster. They get stuck with it and will try and hard as possible to avoid it, I would have been disastrous for you.

I wanted to calm down to be less of me for you and I tried. But soon I realised that trying to do this only built up the chaos in my heart even more. I couldn’t contain it, which is too bad because I wanted so badly to love you in the way you wanted me to. I just don’t think that it was ever possible for me. I couldn’t love you calmly.

I can only love chaotically. I can only love passionately, ferociously and there is always damage left behind after I do so. You could tell right away. It’s why you took a few steps back.

You told me you couldn’t be in a relationship, but I knew it was just me you couldn’t be with. I know I was too much for you. I know that you were scared to love me, because my feelings were intense and I can’t do anything half heartedly, I enjoyed being obsessed with you.

I get it … I suppose. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

Besides, I have found love before. I have been loved with the same intensity I give to others. He met me in the middle of my chaos and although it ended in a ball of flames, I know that it was the most real love I’ve ever felt. I know that I can be loved, just not by someone who isn’t strong enough to do so, or someone that is scared to love intensely.

I can be a disaster, like a walking tornado or a fire that no one can put out. I’m happy to be the center of attention in the middle of a crowded dance floor. The thing is, you saw this and part of you wanted to experience what I could give, but only the good parts. You only took what you wanted and left behind the parts that seemed like too much for you to handle at times.

But, you don’t get to choose which parts to love of someone. You don’t get to take away pieces, enjoy them, and run off with them when you feel like you can’t handle someone for who they are completely.

So, I’m taking my mess somewhere else. I’m freeing myself of the box you made for me because there’s someone who will see it all and want it all. They’ll get exited by the chaos and want to be in the middle of it to experience it all.

I know that sometimes I can be a little too crazy, but some people see that and crave the experience of my presence, all of it. I will only give it to them if I know they’ll be able to handle it. I will only allow those who are strong enough to be next to me in life and to enter my heart. What’s the point of pretending to be less of myself?

So, I’m walking away and I’m taking everything with me, the chaos and the calm.

You don’t get to take one part of me and leave the rest behind. You get all of me or nothing at all. So I suggest you find someone who can be less of everything for you …. someone who you can handle.

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The ‘Maybe’ Guy

Maybe he’s busy?

Maybe he’s not ready for a girlfriend?

Maybe he’s just a bit stressed at the moment?

Maybe I just wasn’t pretty enough for him?

I think maybe he prefers blondes?

Maybe I was a bit much for him?

You know what … maybe he’s just a prick?

So he doesn’t want to commit and you’re happy to sit around waiting for him to change his mind? For goodness sake … no you’re not happy to do that!

Your mum didn’t spend 9 months growing you for you to waste your life, waiting around for someone who isn’t treating you like the total queen that you are.

He hasn’t messaged you all day, you think he’s busy? No, if he wanted to speak to you it doesn’t matter how busy he is, he will find a way. That’s how men are, they go after what they want and clearly if you’re not seeing any effort he doesn’t want you or not enough to actively do anything about it anyway. Stop checking in on a person who does not check. in on you, you’re wasting your time. Find someone that will appreciate your concern.

If the effort isn’t there then know your worth, someone else is out there waiting to treat you how you should be treated, so please stop wasting your time on this ‘maybe guy’.

We’ve all been there, we get totally obsessed with the wrong person, normally it’s the one who has no time for us unless we’re naked. You find yourself looking at your phone more and getting butterflies when you see his name pop up (because it hasn’t popped up for the last week despite you messaging him).

Sometimes we just have to learn when enough is enough, we have to figure out when to archive their chats and unsave their names in our phones. He hasn’t treated you right, but to someone else out there you’re everything they’ve ever wanted.

Go and find a hobby that helps you grown as a person, that gives you more to talk about and gets you meeting new people, instead of sitting looking at your phone, checking to see if he’s watched your story or opened your snapchat … there are bigger and better things in this world than him.

You are a bigger and better person than he is, so do this for you. Not him.