Month: July 2018

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The Dating Fear

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Being emotionally stunted is a real issue for me when it comes to dating.

I want to trust people but just can’t and there’s always a reason why I tend to follow my paranoid gut feeling when I like someone but think they are slipping away from me.

My gut feeling is always right, so naturally I just prepare for people doing a runner just as my feelings start getting stronger.

Ugh feelings … not even sure I totally remember what they are and how they work anyway.

People always tell me to trust someone until they give me a reason not to. But that’s the problem I don’t want to give anyone the chance to show me why they aren’t trustworthy, I’d rather just not trust them from the outset.

Which brings me to my latest conquest, he’s far enough away from me that I don’t have to think of excuses not to see him when I just want my own space and to sit around doing nothing and enjoying my own life, because he’s a bit older than me hoping that means he’s a bit more emotionally stable than guys my age (ironic coming from me I know, someone who openly admits to being emotionally stunted) but if he doesn’t want me anymore I’m hoping he’s mature enough to just tell me instead of ghosting, but did you know that apparently men don’t mature until they’re 45? Yeah I know … that makes life a struggle

He seems to have most of his life sorted, but I wish he would try harder to see me, even carrying through with a suggestion of doing something together would be a good start! Is he not trying because he’s carrying on with his own life, the one that I haven’t really established a place in yet? Maybe if I had established a place for myself then I wouldn’t be sat here questioning if he’s already getting bored of me or not. The messed up thing is I want someone to want me all the time in theory but not in real life because I’d get really put off, confusing I know.

So why now, all of a sudden is my gut feeling telling me something is wrong? I honestly do not even know! But it’s there and as much as I’m trying to ignore it, going on past experiences I know I shouldn’t. I’m realising over and over again why I don’t want to let anyone in and through my the brick walls I’ve built up. My gut feeling is telling me that this one needs to stop being let in … because he almost made it and if my gut feeling is right, then my stubbornness will have saved some of my feelings.

Do I like him? Yes … a lot. And considering he calls me every day despite the fact he knows he can’t see me, I think he likes me too. But my gut is telling me to do a runner and to do it now before I loose my opportunity to do it without anyone getting hurt.

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It’s Not You … It’s Me

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Why do I struggle so much to give the nice ones a shot? In reality you’re everything I’d be lucky to have and I know you’d treat my like an absolute princess and yet for some reason that pushes me a million miles away from you and into the arms of a guy I know will be no good for me at all.

I knew what I was doing from the moment you told me I was the only one out of a whole group of girls that you wanted speak to, you’d told me you knew I was the only one that you’d wanted to talk to before you even met me …. I was flattered, but flattery isn’t the way you’d get me. I like to work for what I want and you’re not going to be the kind of a guy that provides me with a chase, you’re too honest with your feelings and that isn’t a bad thing by the way!

I’m good at reading people, so I knew how much you liked me and I kept you just at arms length for my own benefit, or at least until the late night calls got too much and I didn’t want to play a game with you anymore. I got bored of giving you just enough attention that it meant you would never quite move on from being almost in love with me, despite the fact I knew I’d never feel the same …. wrong isn’t it? But thats the messed up way in which I work.

When we stayed up until 4am and you told me how much you liked me and how much it hurt when you had to see me with him, it really didn’t phase me. I wasn’t bothered that it hurt you. I still wanted to keep you within arms length of me, I still wanted you in the background admiring me, sorry.

How much did you really like me? I wish you’d been more sure of what you wanted … I wish you’d just tried to get my attention rather than asking me for permission to have it, maybe that would have worked better.

In all honesty, it’s not you … it’s me. In reality the qualities you have really are everything I want in someone, you’re hard working, you’re a dog person, you’re family orientated. So I’m not sure what my problem is. Sorry I’m so messed up.

There’s something I want you to know though …..

You’re amazing and whoever ends up with you will be very lucky, you’ve got a lot going for you, you really should be more confident. You’re a good looking guy.