What Now?

I’m hurting and it’s because of you, I didn’t realise how much I missed you until I saw you and now I miss you so much it hurts.

It feels as if old wounds have been ripped back open and I’ve had vinegar poured into them just to make sure I remember the sting they left in the first place, I haven’t written like this in such a long time because I thought I had begun to burry the side of me that could feel anything …. But then you touched my face and told me this isn’t the girl you knew, you wanted to know where the sweet girl had gone that you remembered … And all of a sudden, in that moment, with you stroking my face, I felt her coming back, breaking through the walls I had spent the last two months building, the walls that would stop my heart from feeling anything for anyone … Including you.

That ‘other girl’ the one you’re saying has gone … she’d died and not just because of me, but because of you. Every time I felt hurt you were killing her as well, so in all honesty you were kind of the one holding the shovel as I buried her. Who needs feelings anyway .. Especially when they feel as if they are being totally wasted on other people.

But then I realised I’d missed you, I forgot what it had felt like .. Being touched by you, I had forgotten how much I loved your smell and the feel of your skin .. God I love the feel of your skin under my hands, I felt that pull that me and you have every time we look at each other and I know you felt it too!

Why can’t we get rid of it, why won’t it go away, why can’t we stop missing each other and why, why, why is my head filled with you again! Memories going over and over in my head, thinking about how you look at me and how well we balanced each other, I miss how we used to challenge each other and not give in to each other’s bullshit, we both gave as good as we got.

I don’t want anyone else to have you, there I said it. I don’t want to think about someone touching you the way that only I should be able to. I want you to be mine, I don’t want to give anyone else the time of day, I want to give my time to you, not that I have much of it these days, but I want to be the one you talk to when you’re feeling down, or when you have concerns or when you have good news.

When should you give up on getting over someone, please tell me when to give up and give in to you.