I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me a lot more …
The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.
The Stages of Jealousy:
- When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
- You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
- This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
- As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
- You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
- You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.
Low Self Esteem Jealousy:
- You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
- You constantly need reassurance.
- You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
- You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.
High Self Esteem Jealousy:
- You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
- You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
- You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
- You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.
My Problem is …
I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.