Originally this post was going to be about a nightmare I kept having, however, after I had written it down and I mentioned to my boyfriend that I had a reoccurring nightmare he asked if he could read it before I blogged about it, I’m not a very open person, so sharing how I feel in real life really terrifies me, but he was amazing about it, he continuously surprises me with his response to certain things and I end up falling more and more in love with him, so now, not only am I sharing my nightmare on my blog I’ve also included his response that he very sweetly wrote underneath after he had read it. It’s helped me feel easier about opening up with concerns I have, so for anyone who feels the same as I do and doesn’t like to open up, maybe try telling someone you love and see how they respond? It may just surprise you.
I keep having this reoccurring nightmare.
I’ve built up everything that represents me and you on glass platforms. These platforms are beautiful and perfect something that is there only to hold you and me, but the glass is there to represent something fragile, something maybe we are.I’m trying to keep everyone and everything away incase it breaks.
In this nightmare once everything is broken and lays in pieces on the floor you take enjoyment from hurting me, you constantly test me to see how far I can be pushed.
Doing things to see if I find out perhaps and then wondering why I’m letting such obvious signs that something is wrong just slip through my fingers.
I’m not a push over, I just don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting me.
I have this theory, that people are made to hurt each other. I expect it, I expect to be hurt.
That way. When it happens I can’t feel let down, I don’t want to feel let down by you so I’m going to expect you to hurt me.
In this nightmare I know about all the other women you let touch you, I know you like it when they fall for your charm. I know, but I’ll never say anything.
I flinch when I have this glass shattering nightmare, I’ll grip on to you slightly when it wakes me up to make sure you’re still next to me, to make sure you’re still mine. You know I have these restless nights and yet you don’t even know what you’re trying to comfort me from, how can I talk about such an unsettling idea but ironically describe it using such beautiful metaphor.
First of all, you write so beautifully and with such imagination and creativity. You’re definitely gifted with writing. Another talent of yours. I can’t wait to read other masterpieces of yours if they’re similar to this.
This reoccurring nightmare is not silly at all! Not even in the slightest. Im grateful that you let me read it. These glass platforms you speak of I guess represents our pillars of happiness….which must be pretty high. It is completely understandable what you are feeling. I think you have been hurt times before and you are expecting for me to hurt you. Waiting for the next moment to be hurt. A little bit how I feel sometimes. A bit how I have trust issues with you. Maybe you have this theory because you have never been very happy? Truly In love? I can say right now that it is ok to have your theory. It’s not silly. However I hope you know how hard I try to make you happy. To make us happy. How much I really really do love you. You being happy is the best thing in the world to me and there is NO way I would ruin that or stop thinking like that. Although I say this stuff all the time and tell you how much I love you. I think the only real cure to how you’re feeling is time. The longer you are happy and the longer we are together maybe the more you will start to realise that I am here for a long time possibly forever that you might start to feel secure and that I won’t hurt you. I know that you’re not a pushover. I definitely know that! And I’m glad you’re not. There’s nothing worse than letting someone walk all over you even if you love them. That’s why I love your stubbornness and your fight. I know it’s difficult for you to tell me how you feel and even more so with this because you’re scared that I will get enjoyment out of it. But honestly, the only enjoyment I get is when you’re the opposite. When you’re happy and when you tell me something good. When you’re excited to tell me something. That makes me really happy. The only reason I want to hear negative things and things I am doing wrong is because I want to help and make you happy again. Not get an enjoyment out of it. Maybe when you realise this you will feel more comfortable about opening up?
I like the fact that you grip me tightly after the nightmare. It makes me feel loved and cared for. It makes me feel that you need me. But you should know that I am yours…..that’s not going to change I’m afraid.
You should know that everything I tell you is the truth. You are an amazing, beautiful girl and I’m proud of you. I love you baby and I’m lucky to have you!