How can looking at someone you love fill you with such happiness and dread all at the same time?
This is a question I continuously find myself thinking about, don’t get me wrong. I’m not cynical, not much anyway. I know love exists, I’ve seen it and I believe that I’ve felt it too, I know what it feels like to love someone.
But then I’ve never witnessed what I would consider love, so how can I completely believe in something that I have never seen?
Could it be that there are so many variations of what each of us consider love that we will never see the version we consider as correct?
But why does most love seem to have a sell by date, what type of love is the correct version that means it will stay forever, because whatever that version is I would quite like to find it.
Falling in love is one of the scariest things I know, it’s like metaphorically handing over not only your heart but also your mentality to someone and asking if they wouldn’t mind holding on to it for a while for you, maybe so they can put them in a safe place that only they can get to, out of reach from everyone else.
Love is a selfish expression, something you are only happy to give away while your heart will let you and once you don’t want to give anymore the likelihood is that you will stop, leaving that other person wondering what happened. Leaving them broken. I don’t want someone to be able to break me, not again. I think this make me more of a realist than a cynic.
I’ve seen the painful side of love, where marriages end and families split up. That’s when resentment sets in and I do not wish to resent anyone in this world, I believe life is far too short to hate or resent anyone.
That said, I am not someone who willingly gives her heart to people, trusting someone not to break me is not something that happens easily.
But this one, the one who can fill me with dread and happiness all at once. He’s being trusted, I’m trusting him not to hurt me and this is what love makes me dread, the point where I get hurt. Not all love has to come to it’s unavoidable end though I would hope. Because love truly is a beautiful thing, all those flaws that someone had before just vanish. You would rather stay in with them and do nothing than go out. Love is magic really.