Month: May 2013

I’m Not Capable Of Hating You

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I can’t hate anyone especially you.
I wish I could, oh how I wish I could fill my body with such resentment for a person that it spirals into a fit of range and explodes into the most vile hatred anyone has ever seen.
I wish my body was capable of such negativity.
But it’s just not, I never hate people. I only ever hate what others turn me into, I see figments of myself change as people hurt me and let me down. I wish I could take my negativity out in others but instead I let it remould my personality and shape it slightly differently each time I get hurt.
I wish someone could melt me down, I would let them remould me and start again.
I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could remember a time when I was a perfectly moulded version of myself, before you ruined me.

You’ve made me hate myself over and over again, you’ve made me feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t feel good enough anymore, I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
The golden glow of confidence I had is getting smaller and smaller as I hate myself more and more because of you.

I crawl back every time and I don’t know why when you don’t even respect me as a person. Your vial and you swear at me but for some reason I just think it’s because you’re scared of how you feel. Deep down though I know it isn’t. It’s actually just because you don’t respect me. You probably never will, not enough to have my heart anyway. You don’t actually deserve another minute of my time, i’ll realise this. Eventually.

Risky Texts

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Have you ever had one of those heart stopping moments after you send a text that has been sitting on the screen of your phone for the last three hours to that one person you want to talk to so much but you know you really shouldn’t?
Yeah I’ve had quite a few of those moments myself!
Waiting for a reply in those minutes that feel like hours (if it actually happens) in that time you vow never to text that person ever again after the fear you’re currently feeling, maybe we have it all wrong though? Maybe those hours it takes for that person to reply are because they are so in shock of you texting them first they have had to go out and show everyone they know .. Or even better than this, they may have passed out in shock!
One life lesson I’ve learnt from risky texts is that they never seem so bad to send after a few drinks, so if you are thinking of sending an ‘I’ve been thinking about you’ text to someone risky why not have a few drinks fist to ease the pain of rejection from when they don’t reply? Although I would recommend never sending that kind of text in the first place! In the time you spend waiting for a reply you normally begin to hate yourself so much it really doesn’t seem as if it was worth being risky in the first place!

And let’s be honest girls …. if he wanted to talk to you, he would have messaged you by now, so I’d just save your breath, he’s not worth giving yourself unnecessary anxiety over!

What To Say When You’re Speechless

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What is normal? How should you behave with your ex’s?

I can’t help but think that the situation I’m in right now is anything but normal and yet it still feels like the right place to be.

I’m laying in bed with my ex yet again …. although this week I can’t help but feel that what was once casual sex or as he liked to put it ‘fuck buddies’ has become a bit more intense. We no longer sleep with each other after nights out where we drunkenly bump into each other ‘accidentally on purpose’, but only when we’re sober. We’ll lay talking about the most pointless things for hours, reminiscing about how things used to be and the last two nights I’ve actually stayed over at his and not left that night like I did when this arrangement first started. I can’t even try to lie about the fact that he’s the best shag I’ve had and he continuously tells me the same which of course is very flattering. But once I leave here today I wont see him for three months, we’re both going away for summer now, unless of course I mention to him that my house is all mine for a month and maybe he should come down and stay with me? But I have a feeling this is dangerous territory after the last time I mentioned the possibility of seeing each other during our time off of university .. he freaked out saying it wasn’t like that between us.

I fully understand we are not in a position to be in a relationship  but as it stands I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, is this just because I think of myself as a monogamous person, or is it because I have feelings for him again? All I can say to that  is I bloody hope not! But I can’t deny that I am going to miss him for the next three months and the possibility that all contact between us will now be stopped for over summer hurts a little bit … I’ll miss our pointless conversations that go on for hours, but I’m sure I can find a replacement him.

So right now I’m speechless and I think it’s the best thing to be, I don’t want to ruin this weirdly perfect situation I’m in with him right now. It might be messed up, but I don’t mind.

Wait, Who Invented The Friendship Barrier?

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How can anyone completely define when and why the boundary between friends and something more? Is it when you sleep together, or when it is clear to both of you that there is something more between you when you are alone? I think the majority of girls and guys have had an issue with falling for a friend, but when you both have the same group of friends and are always around each other is it really wise to go there?

I live in uni halls at the moment and although I live in a flat with 5 other girls I have made friends with a very lovely group of guys whose friendship means the world to me! I don’t know if it’s just me who feels like this but I always feel that getting relationship advice from your guy friends (from a girl’s point of view) always seems to be more helpful because they are never afraid of telling you what they really think even if it hurts your feelings. At uni I’m in a friendship group of about 8 people and it just so happens that me and one of the guys have slept  together 3 times now (only when I am drunk might I add) but it’s now become obvious that there might be more feelings on his side (oh dear!) having a drunk thing hasn’t affected our friendship in the slightest because we both know where we stand, but since he has now been trying to kiss me when alcohol has not been involved it has made me think maybe this is my fault for getting into bed with him in the first place! I love him to pieces as a friend but I would always worry that those personality traits I laugh at as a friend I would find horribly irritating as a girlfriend.

I have to admit, I am very glad to be going home for summer to be getting away from all the drama I have created this year (unintentionally) hopefully giving some space between me and some of the guys will mean feelings will fade and when I come back for my third year I will have no distractions! (I can only hope)